lawyer joke

[Oss]

a friend of mine never could never close the deal with a pretty girl when we were in college.

One of my other friends  said to him just say you are a lawyer when a gal asks what you do and you will be just fine trust me

So one night at the bar he asks a great lookin gal to come back to his place after chatting her up a few minutes

She turns him down and he says you know thats probably best as I have a case first thing
in the morning

Oh so you are a lawyer? she asks

Why yes he answers I am.

A little while later they are at her place banging away to beat the band and he starts laughing

Why are you laughing, arent I ok? she asks him

Oh you are just great its just that here Ive only been a lawyer for an hour and already I am screwing somebody



and NO I never used that line

[HayHauler]

Hehe.  Good one OSS. 

Hay
Jimmyt

[Westernbiker]

TYPICAL LAWYER!!!!   

[Serk]

(I'm sure you know this one, but...)

What's black and tan and looks GREAT on a lawyer?

.....a Doberman.

[junior]

why have they deemed it eleagle for a lawer to sleep with thier clients?

so they dont get billed twice for basicly the same service

[Fritz The Cat]

How can you tell when your lawyer is lying to you?

His lips are moving.

[junior]

why is it that lawers can swim un harmed in shark infested waters?

professional courtesy

[Jess from VA]

 How can you tell if a lawyer is well hung?

You can't get a finger between the rope and his neck!

__________________________________________________

A Dublin lawyer died in poverty, and many people donated to a fund for his funeral. The Lord Chief Justice of Orbury was asked to donate a shilling. "Only a shilling?" said the Justice, "Only a shilling to bury an attorney?   Here's a guinea; go and bury twenty more of them."

____________________________________________________

An independent woman started her own business. She was shrewd and diligent, so business kept coming in. Pretty soon she realized she needed an in-house counsel, and so she began interviewing young lawyers.

"As I'm sure you can understand," she started off with one of the first applicants, "in a business like this, our personal integrity must be beyond question." She leaned forward. "Mr. Peterson, are you an 'honest' lawyer?"

"Honest?" replied the job prospect. "Let me tell you something about honest. Why, I'm so honest that my dad lent me fifteen thousand dollars for my education and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my very first case."

"Impressive. And what sort of case was that?"

He squirmed in his seat and admitted, "My dad sued me for the money."

______________________________________________________________

What's the problem with lawyer jokes?

Lawyer's don't think they're funny, and no one else thinks they're jokes.

____________________________________________________________

A Bronx lawyer (Oss), a used car salesman and a banker were gathered by a coffin containing the body of an old friend. In his grief, one of the three said, "In my family, we have a custom of giving the dead some money, so they�ll have something to spend over there."

They all agreed that this was appropriate. The banker dropped a hundred dollar bill into the casket, the car salesman did the same.   Oss took out the bills, wrote a check for $300 and dropped it in the casket.

[RDAbull]

q: Do you know how many lawyer jokes are out there.

A: Only one, the rest are true stories

[RoadKill]

If you lined up all the lawyers ,end to end,how far would they reach? ..........



Into the next ones pocket!

[Mr. Nuts]

Q: What's the difference between a dead lawyer in the middle of the road and a dead skunk in the middle of the road?

A: There's skid marks in front of the skunk.

[Pat S.]

Please do not make anymore lawyer jokes. President Obama is a lawyer and Willow said we can't make jokes about him.

[junior]

Please do not make anymore lawyer jokes. President Obama is a lawyer and Willow said we can't make jokes about him.

lets test the shark joke and see if it is true

[Jabba]

You know what the problem with lawyers is?

99% of them give the rest a bad name...

Our own Mr. Oss is a stand up guy.  fer a scheister anyway. 

Jabba

[Doc809]

BamaDrifter64 is a good guy, too.

What's the difference between a lawyer and a catfish?  One is a scum sucking bottom dweller.  The other one is a fish!

[Gryphon]

Why do lawyers wear neckties?


It keeps the foreskin from rolling up over their heads.

[Willow]

Our own Mr. Oss is a stand up guy.  fer a scheister anyway. 

We actually have at least a half dozen attorneys of which I know who frequent our gatherings.  By the accepted wisdom, five or more of them should be scoundrels, but all of ours are good men of integrity.

Either there's something wrong with public perception or only the really good ones ride Valkyries.  Maybe both.    

[czuch]

The Pope goes to the Pearly Gates.
St. Peter welcomes him and points in the direction of a humble cottage with a Chevrolet Biscayne at his disposal.
Right behind him is an attorney, St. Peter has a band and welcomes him with great fanfare.
He is picked up by a Caddilac limo with a driver and taken to a golden mansion on a hill.
The Pope, confused, remarks to St.Peter that as a lifelong servant of God he feels rather slighted.
St. Peter replies," We have alot of Popes here, but he's the first Lawyer".

[Challenger]

Bumped it up for you ol buddy, keep them coming until some one whines!

[Jess Tolbirt]

no whining here!!

[JimC]

Upon seeing an elderly lady for the drafting of her will, the attorney charged her $100.

She gave him a $100 bill, not noticing that it was stuck to another $100 bill.

On seeing the two bills stuck together, the ethical question came to the attorney's mind: "Do I tell my partner?"

JIM

[JimC]

I read that this is a true response from the cop. I would have loved to have been in that courtroom if it was.  JIM

A defense attorney was cross-examining a police officer
during a felony trial...

Q. Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?

A. No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the
description of the offender running several blocks away.

Q. Officer, who provided this description?

A. The officer who responded to the scene.

Q. A fellow officer provided the description of this
so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?

A. Yes sir, with my life.

Q. WITH YOUR LIFE? Let me ask you this then officer, do you
have a locker room in the police station ... a room where you
change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?

A. Yes sir, we do.

Q. And do you have a locker in that room?

A. Yes sir, I do.

Q. And do you have a lock on your locker?

A. Yes sir.

Q. Now why is it, officer, IF YOU TRUST YOUR FELLOW OFFICERS
WITH YOUR LIFE, that you find it necessary to lock your
locker in a room you share with those officers?

A. You see sir, we share the building with a court complex,
and sometimes defense attorneys have been known to walk
through that room.