I need some Adult parent advice.

[YoungPUP]

LAst night my Dad, (68) took a nasty fall down the basment stairs at the house.  VERY
lucky but he got away with a mild concussion and a separated shoulder with some cuts and scrapes thrown in for entertainment value.  Where I need the advice is how do I talk to my parents about what to do, what are their plans incase something worse were to happen.  I know this is an MC forum but there's a lot of wisdom here.   All insight would be greatly appreciated.
Thankyou
YP
Ian

[Fritz The Cat]

If they're like my folks, they ain't gonna listen.

[YoungPUP]

Hell, I don't know what to even ask or where to start?

[..]

Quite a few good links here.

http://isearch.avg.com/pages/abt/vl/search.aspx?cid=%7B088959A6-DC70-4F66-B83C-6BEFB9CD51E4%7D&mid=0dfbdfbc4dfa47d1b432d168d1265820-5b7700a08857928e6dc07c17a5a2906f7582d84c&lang=en&ds=ins12&pr=sa&d=2012-02-20%2012:25:28&v=10.0.0.7&sap=dsp&q=how+to+talk+to+aging+parents&tc=test3

The current theme seems to be one of get some one else to ask the questions.

[Serk]

68? Buy him a Valkyrie!

But seriously, at the very least, do they have cell phones and carry them all the time so they can call for help if needed?

[John Schmidt]

I'm with Britman. It's a bit like trying to give advice to your kids, they often won't listen to mom and dad but will listen to a stranger or at least not an immediate family member. Your situation is much the same but depends on how close a relationship you have with your folks. I could talk very frank with my father, even though his mind was often made up ahead of time and I knew it. But there were times when he did take some of my thoughts rather seriously....much to my surprise. At 68, is he active and in rather good and strong health? Same for mom? If so, this may only be a temporary setback. Usually, if you're fairly close to them they will bring up the subject in their own time. Good luck.

[steve 3054]

I feel your pain...tried to have that talk w/ my mother and was told to mind my own business!...Period...The fact is when the parent becomes the child is a very sad day, and it is best to let them tell you when that day comes.  You will find in comes in increments, little by little till one day you are the parent.  One of the hardest things for me to accept was the fact that EVERYONE  believes they are leading their life as best as it can be led...forget the fact that from the outside it is a train wreck!

[BF]

If your asking what I think you're asking, just ask them.  

DO NOT wait untill something happens to one or both of them that will force that discussion.  As their son, you need to be aware of what their plans are and how to carry them out....if any.  

If they don't have any plans or insurance for or if when something devastating happens, now is the time to open up that disscussion and start making some plans.  

You/they need to have some sort of burial and nursing home insurance/plans.  

My dad had passed away when I was young, but when my mom had a devastating stroke that required nursing home care for the rest of her life, she had no insurance or burial plans.

I know that there are lawyers on here that can give you specific legal advice, but this is what happend to me and my mom and my experiences.  

What resulted was she went under Medicare, but first she had to qualify.  In order to qualify, she couldn't have any money, any assets or valuables.  

I had to get a power of attorney so I could set up a bank account for her and work on her behalf.  We had to liquidate everything she owned, the house, the car, and anything else that we could liquidate and use those funds to finance her medical care and nursing home.  That money went very quickly.  Turns out, nursing home care is really spendy.  

When everything was exhausted, then she qualified for Medicare and then they paid for her nursing home care.  

However, Medicare only pays for the basics.  Depending on the whats and the wheres and what's covered, you might still be responsible for doing their laundry, providing things like a tv, cable and other personal items and personal care (such as trips to the beauty shop, haircuts and such).  

I had to buy her a burial plot myself as she had never thought about it before.  I had to ask her what her wishes were when that time came and I tried my best to honor them for her. 

At the time I had to qualify my mom for her care, they went back 7 years to investigate any assets that she may have had or had tried to hide (such as if she had quick claimed her house over to me several years earlier to hide that asset).  

The state won't actually come and take your parents house away, but you'll still be forced into selling it to pay for their care.  

Bottom line is, if they don't plan now for things like this now, they can lose everthing and you'll be left cleaning up the aftermath.  

[fudgie]

If there is nothing else medically wrong with them, they get around ok, and everything is going on right upstairs (brain), then I think they will have a hard time listening, esp if you are thinking about putting them in a home or assisted living. Maybe you can ask about downsizing to a 1 level home.
Just say 'mom/dad since this accident what do you thing about getting something smaller to make your life easier?' Then go from there.
I know our g-parents would not think of leaving the farm and both died here like his parents & g-parents did.

[Grumpy]

Any way you do it, not going to be easy. I did the same thing at my sons place before Christmas, went half way down a flight of stairs and stuck my head through a wall.  No serious damage, went back a couple days later and fixed the drywall.  I am 68, be 69 next month. My son says he will take care of us when the time comes. I informed him several years ago, a nursing home is out of the question. Rather be in the ground than in a home. Best thing I can say is not to try to force any thing on them, just sit and talk and don't do it all at once. Remember their input is important, do not make them feel as if they are being forced into any thing.

[bassman]

Sorry to hear about your dad's accident but glad he is doing OK.
You might start a conversation about what YOUR plans are for yourself
for the inevitable future.  This could trigger a response from them or perhaps
plant a "seed" for discussions down the road.  If they totally refuse to talk about
these subjects, sometimes (as has already been suggested) finding someone else
bringing up the subject can help....like a clergy, family physician, close relative in
the same age bracket, family lawyer etc.

Good luck,,,I remember going through the same talks with my parents.  They had already
established a Will years prior when I was in the Army (mid 60's) so they had somewhat started the process on their own.  Years later (mid 80's) I asked them about Wills and that opened the
door so to speak.  I was then able to express MY desires for myself which was different from theirs
but they agreed to follow through with my wishes if the need arose.  A few years later we talked
more about the topic and surprisingly their wishes and views on the subject changed to my
way of thinking and it turned out to be a valuable conversation for all of us.

It's good you're thinking about the subject and hopefully will find resolution in the years to come - your dad is still VERY young.

[old2soon]

Lots of good advice here. The short sweet down and dirty answer-ACT DO NOT REACT. I can't stress this enough-get AHEAD of it. RIDE SAFE.

[pouch]

tell your father straight up . dad if you would have killed your self do you think mom would have known where your ins. and other important papers are . maybe you should put some paper work with a lawer describing what you want done in case the worst happens what you have and where its located what you think dad seriously.     pouch 7/12/44

[Willow]

I'd don't know what kind of health your parents are enjoying.

I'm very close to sixty-two.  If one of my children opened a conversation of that nature with me I'd probably politely tell him or her that I'd let someone know when I need help with those decisions.

[Oss]

Medicaid looks back 60 months.

Not many of us can look into the future and know what will happen and when

Long term care is expensive and there is often a wait period

As an attorney who has only been doing this 30 yrs I would ask dad for his atty phone number in case anything should happen to him or mom. Tell him you have no interest in knowing what the Will says but just that you want to know who has it when the time comes.

An INVESTMENT of an hour with an Elder Law attorney (not just a general practice attorney) may be both an eye opener and the opener to saving considerable assets down the line either through family trust, irrevocable trust or even simple Life Estate Deeds.  PM me if you want but I am not licensed in your state

Maybe you can offer to pay for the hour of time as a gift so they can set things up on their own terms

glad dad is ok

[saddlesore]

   Our family learned the hard way from an unexpected death.  It  may seem morbid at times but planning things all the way to death and beyond will keep you from rushing to do things at a hard time in your life.   
   If your parents stay at home or move to assisted living or even a nursing home you need to know where their insurance papers are, all of their assets are, bank accounts and wills and power of attorney papers are.
There's a lot of good advice here. If you check with your county social services they may have a department that will be able to help you too.

   

[keepinon]

YP, your Dad was your provider for a lot of years, and most probably, can't see himself as dependent.

I've gone thru, still going thru this with my Dad, who turned 86 last year. He lived by himself in a large home, worked a 1/4 acre garden by himself for the last 15 years. Two years ago while visiting, I noticed he had what we down here refer to as the old folk shuffle. He took shorter steps, not as confident as in the past. I found out he had fallen from the back steps, tho not seriously hurt. He did show me where he keeps his papers, insurance & will, in case something did happen.

I found a lady that goes to his church, was living with her son who was losing his home. Long story short, she now lives with him, has her own bedroom and helps with the housework. She's 56, and having a rough time finding employment, so it all works out... so far.

Just let your Dad know you care. Ask him to always have his cell phone on him to call for help(If he doesn't have one, you can get a WalMart cheapy, service for $35 a month, was my remedy) let him know you just want to help, but *don't* badger.

Good luck.

[Valker]

Tightrope there. If someone's goal is to lengthen your parents' survival, they should have a say. If it is to lengthen their "life", they should have THE say.
As one who is aging fast (I'm decades older than my father and grandfather were when they died), I stated to my family that 'survival' has not, is not, and will not be my goal. I have and will continue to accept the consequences of my life. I will make my own arrangements for a time whenever I can't make my own. My kids may not have much inheritance left, but I refuse to allow them to be financially burdened by me.
Dang, I'm getting grouchy, opinionated, and stubborn in my old age!

[alph]

my concern is; why did he fall?  could there possibly be something actually wrong with him?  it might be something as simple as having his blood sugar checked, or something more serious. 

glad he's alright now, but keep an eye on him.  test his memory, watch how he walks (does he favor one side, lean to one side, etc.)

or did you leave something on the stairs and he tripped on it!?!

[cookiedough]

Very tough I know first hand.  When my dad died XMAS night 4 years ago I knew my mom who was a homemaker all her life who took care of my dad would have a tough time continuing on in life.  She sort of went crazy in her mind and was hallucinating some serious, weird thoughts she thought were real.  We had to take her out of her home about 2 years ago now and put her into assisted living, etc.  She is back home now on meds with someone coming almost daily 2x per day to check on her and watch her take her meds along with having altzheimers.  

Anyways,  when my dad died I told mom we need to get a power of attorney and living will, etc. setup which she agreed to do about 3-4 months after dad died.  Very good idea to do this.  As far as telling you what to do,  just be a good listener and DO NOT force them into anything, ONLY offer suggestions for now.  Trust me,  I have stubborn parents but if you do NOT force them, they should listen to their kids eventually.  But, get the ball rolling and offer suggestions for future thinking on their part.  My mom now is at the point she makes us 2 sons do everything almost for her but the alternative is an assisted living home costing near 4 grand per month and NO ONE has that kind of money to burn without going bankrupt in a few years or so.  

As your parents get older,  there are programs such as meals on wheels and in home caretakers that can come to their home 1-2 hours per day or as needed to help them do basic daily functions even bathing and dressing and feeding, etc.
I say keep them in their homes as long as humanly possible as long as there is no threat for them endangering their lives inside their own homes.  I seriously dread the day if it comes to have to take my mom out of her own home into a nursing or assisted living home permanently.  She is not a social person and without dad around, she doesn't really have a purpose to live which is sad.  We have tried getting her out more and doing stuff, but she has NO interest anymore and would just sit in her home not doing much at all the past few years but she is somewhat content as far as we can tell with that.    Yah, it is tough being the parent of both your own kids and your parents.

[R J]

My dad was killed on Iwo Jima, and that was a shock to mom, especially since I was like 13 or 14 years old.

She worked at the Ordinance Plant in Des Moines making and checking shells.    Some of what I got in Korea.     I commented to her that the box said Des Moines Ordinance Plant, and it had little pieces of paper with numbers and letters on them.

She gave me her # she used, and low and behold I found her # in a few boxes.   The 1st one I found I sent it to her and she put it with the one dad had sent her from Guam I think it was.

This sudden death woke her up big time and she keep me informed of all her insurance policy #'s, savings and checking account #'s, safety deposit box and etc.   My cousin, her nephew was an Insurance salesman.    He sold her a Long Term Care policy, and later he sold my wife and I each a policy.

Our kids know where all of our documents are, the last 2 are on our signature list on the bank stuff, and since we have a Iowa Veterans Cemetery close by, I get free burial and for $300 we/I can bury mom with me.    We are being cremated.

I have told both the younger kids, if I get ridiculous to slap me in a Long Term Care Facility.    All they have to do is get ahold of my cousins Insurance Agency and he will take care of everything.

As people have said prior, I have gone through it, so I have taken the needed precautions to handle the situation.

They also know that MGM and the Chevy Trike are not to be sold, the 2 of them can pick and choose over the 2 Trikes.      Both have their Motor authorization.   Last I heard, the daughter wants MGM and the son wants the Chevy.

[solo1]

As a caregiver for my wife before she died, I've been down this road

First question I would ask.  Are your parents Active?  By that I mean are they doing a reasonable amount of exercise to keep fairly fit for their age?  If not, I would strongly recommend that they get into an exercise program for seniors including balance exercises.   I know that this works because I exercise and lift weights.  It has helped me.

Second, Do NOT overreact!  They probably will tell you to mind your own business.  Sit down with them and go through possible events that can happen as we age.  Don't make a big deal about the fall.

Make sure that they have all plans in place,  medical insurance, wills, what they want. etc.  This should be done with parents of any age as you will be ultimately responsible for them just as they were for you.

The most important question is asking what your parents want.  I, for instance, have told my kids absolutely NO nursing home, assisted living, yes. 

Keep in mind that we all can have accidents like falling but as we get older the results from falling are more severe.  Do NOT automatically assume that your parents are becoming unable to be independent.  Let them decide.

I'm approaching 85 years of age and the main things that keep me riding is ATTITUDE and EXERCISE.

Attitude and exercise are the two most important things for me as I age.

[signart]

If or when you have teenagers in your house, it's just like talking to them. They'll listen to anyone better than those who love them.

[cookiedough]

If or when you have teenagers in you house, it's just like talking to them. They'll listen to anyone better than those who love them.

how true, how true, got it both ways.  Kids and parent both!

[Hoser]

When I was in my thirtys, I stepped off a stepladder, did a faceplant on the garage floor, broke my nose and split my lip.  Did about the same thing 30 years later, you would think I was on my death bed from my 30 something son's reaction.  The difference?  No difference, crap happens all the time.  My reaction was a lot like Willow's.  Hoser 

[Karen]

I've taken a few falls in the past few years, all because I wasn't careful & didn't have a hand on the railing. I've learned to be more careful. Your dad may just need to think a little more as he does things; muscle memory can be dangerous, because your body remembers doing things you can no longer do. #1 on the staying active, and working on the balance. Maybe your folks have something in place between them that they could make you privy to. I'm 70, and can still lift & carry a 50lb bag of ice melter, & change out the 5 gallon water bottle when it needs to be changed. But I hold on to the hand rail every time I use the stairs. A woman's got to know her limitations...

[shortleg]

  Please have a talk with them at least to let them
know you care about them.
  To this day I regret not doing more for my Mom who
fell down the stairs to her death back in 05
   Have the talk over a drink or dinner, make it casual.
          Shortleg[Dave]

[YoungPUP]

Thankfully (very Thankfully) they're both healthy, and of sound mind, I'm just concerned with their  wishes should something happen. I've been told before that everything is paid for and that there's insurance, but I'm worried that asking for details and information will seem like i'm trying to hurry them into the hole. I've had my own plans in place for several years due to some of my employment choices, but this was an eye opener for me as mom had little to no sense as to what to do....

[JC]

I was lucky. My folks had everything in order and gave my sister and I copies of all the important stuff years ago. Power of attorney (including medical), living and last wills, insurance, funeral wishes and mortuary info. When my Dad passed a couple of years ago it took a huge burden off of us, and with Mom now suffering from alzheimers we can manage her care and affairs as they both wanted.  Their foresight made all the difference, and I realize they did it out of love for those of us that survive them.

Let me recommend you just sit down with them one day soon and describe what you've got in place for yourself, and relate it to their situation, they'll hopefully open up and let you know what they've got set up. 

[cookiedough]

They are your parents and should understand that their wishes are your utmost concern and want to do the right thing if and when the time comes.  I would think just bringing it up in a conversation over dinner, etc. would be the way to go, but not seem like your are prying too much.     They should understand I would think.

I know when my grandpa died years after my grandma died, all heck broke loose since even though my mom who was the closest with my grandma living in same town and visited us often always wanted to change the will, but my grandma never got around to changing the will before she died in order to be fair and grandpa never really was that chatty or cared much.  So, the youngest girl sibling of 11 got like 90% of the money and it wasn't pretty since she deserved in all honesty the least being the spoiled rotten child of the bunch spending money like there was no end to it.  It wasn't much guessing 100K tops if that, but boy, the other 10 siblings sure feuded and eventually pretty much after that none of them speak to one another ONLY at funerals now that 2 of them have died more recently.  Moral of story:  try to make sure your parents are set in terms of wills, etc. and that they communicate their wishes to you and any of their other children before it is too late.