Scottish humor

[Patrick]

 
Subject: Scottish compassioin
 
A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach.

He had no arms and no legs.

Three women from England, Wales, and Scotland were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man.

The English woman said, "Have you ever had a hug?"

The man said "No", so she gave him a hug and walked on.

The Welsh woman said, "Have you ever had a kiss?"

The man said, "No", so she gave him a kiss and walked on.

The Scottish woman came to him and said, " 'ave 'ya ever been f_ _ _ _d, laddie? "

The man broke into a big smile and said, "No, lass!"

She said, "Aye.....well 'ya will be when the tide comes in."
 

[csj]

The Rolling Stones sing; 'Hey you, get off of my cloud'.

The Scottish Farmer yells; 'Hey McCloud, get off of my yew'.

[Jess from VA]

A Scotsman spent the afternoon at the pub and walking home felt sleepy and laid up against a tree and dozed off.  Two young lasses happened by and began giggling and discussing what if anything men wore under their kilts. One knelt and peeked under his kilt and he wore nothing underneath.  She showed her friend and they giggled some more.  Then, one pulled a blue satin ribbon from her hair and gently tied it around his talleywhacker with a big bow, and they quietly walked away.  Some time later the Scotsman awoke and had to pee out a couple pints, so he stood against the tree to relieve himself.  Raising his kilt, he looked down and saw the ribbon and exclaimed........... Hoot mon, I don't know where you've been but you've gone and won first prize.

[ricoman]

thanks, Patrick
coffee out my nose,
funny and it will be repeated

[john]

bad joke day ?                oooooook .... i'll bite      

what do ya call a guy  with no arms and no legs on the beach ?                                        sandy

what do ya call a guy  with no arms and no legs  sit'in in a hole  ?                                    phil

what do ya call a guy  with no arms and no legs in a pile of leaves ?                                 russell

what do ya call a guy  with no arms and no legs on the front porch ?                                matt

what do ya call a guy  with no arms and no legs out in the lake ?                                     bob

what do ya call a guy  with no arms and no legs hang'in on a wall ?                                  art

what do ya call a guy  with no arms and no legs on a hill ?                                               roland    

what do ya call a guy  with no arms and no legs  hold'in up a car ?                                   jack

what do ya call a girl  with no arms and no legs sit'in on a grill ?                                       patty

what do ya call a guy  with no arms and no legs sit'in next to her ?                                   frank

what do ya call a guy  with no arms and no legs fly'in over the fence ?                              homer

              ???                                             
                          





 

[bigguy]

One day an Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walked into a pub together. The proceeded to each buy a pint of Guinness. Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage three flies landed in each of their pints, and were stuck in the thick head. The Englishman pushed his beer away from him in disgust. The Scotsman fished the offending fly out of his beer and continued drinking it as if nothing had happened. The Irishman too , picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the beer and then started yelling “spit it out, spit it  out  you bastard”

[Serk]

Greatest joke ever told:

A Scotsman walked out of a bar.....