Application to date my teenage daughter

[Oss]

thought it appropriate in view of world events

---------------

APPLICATION FOR PERMISSION TO DATE MY DAUGHTER

NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless
accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history, lineage,
and current medical report from your doctor.

NAME_____________________________________  DATE OF BIRTH_____________

HEIGHT___________  WEIGHT____________  IQ__________  GPA_____________

SOCIAL SECURITY #_________________  DRIVERS LICENSE #________________

BOY SCOUT RANK AND BADGES____________________________________________

HOME ADDRESS_______________________  CITY/STATE___________  ZIP______

Do you have parents?               ___Yes  ___No
Is one male and the other female?  ___Yes  ___No
If No, explain:
       ______________________________________________________________

Number of years they have been married ______________________________

If less than your age, explain
       ______________________________________________________________

       ______________________________________________________________


ACCESSORIES SECTION:

A. Do you own or have access to a van?              __Yes  __No

B. A truck with oversized tires?                    __Yes  __No

C. A waterbed?                                      __Yes  __No

D. A pickup with a mattress in the back?            __Yes  __No

E. A tattoo?                                        __Yes  __No

F. Do you have an earring, nose ring,               __Yes  __No
   pierced tongue, pierced cheek or a belly button ring?

(IF YOU ANSWERED "YES" TO ANY OF THE ABOVE, DISCONTINUE APPLICATION
AND LEAVE PREMISES IMMEDIATELY.  I SUGGEST RUNNING.)


ESSAY SECTION:

In 50 words or less, what does "LATE" mean to you?

       ______________________________________________________________

       ______________________________________________________________

In 50 words or less, what does "DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER" mean to you?

       ______________________________________________________________

       ______________________________________________________________

In 50 words or less, what does "ABSTINENCE" mean to you?

       ______________________________________________________________

       ______________________________________________________________


REFERENCES SECTION:

Church you attend ___________________________________________________

How often you attend ________________________________________________

When would be the best time to interview your:

       father? _____________

       mother? _____________

       pastor? _____________


SHORT-ANSWER SECTION:

Answer by filling in the blank.  Please answer freely, all answers
are confidential.

A: If I were shot, the last place I would want shot would be:

       ______________________________________________________________

B: If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my:

       ______________________________________________________________

C: A woman's place is in the:

       ______________________________________________________________

D: The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is:

       ______________________________________________________________

E. What do you want to do IF you grow up? ___________________________

       ______________________________________________________________

       ______________________________________________________________

F. When I meet a girl, the thing I always notice about her first is:

       ______________________________________________________________

F. What is the current going rate of a hotel room? __________________

I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO
THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT,
NATIVE AMERICAN ANT TORTURE, CRUCIFIXION, ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE
WATER TORTURE, RED HOT POKERS, AND HILLARY CLINTON KISS TORTURE.


_________________________________________________________
Applicant's Signature (that means sign your name, moron!)


_______________________________      ________________________________
Mother's Signature                   Father's Signature

_______________________________      ________________________________
Pastor/Priest/Rabbi                  State Representative/Congressman

Thank you for your interest, and it had better be genuine and
non-sexual. Please allow four to six years for processing.

You will be contacted in writing if you are approved.  Please do
not try to call or write (since you probably can't, and it would
cause you injury). If your application is rejected, you will be
notified by two gentleman wearing white ties carrying violin cases.
(you might watch your back)

To prepare yourself, start studying Daddy's Rules for Dating.

Author unknown. One person says that this "was written by John Sherbondy of Council Bluffs, Iowa. It appeared in his wifes column in the Nonpareil Newspaper called Kippies Corner." (abt. 1993) I've tried to contact Mr. Sherbondy to confirm but haven't succeeded yet.

[Big Rig]

Thank goodness I do not have daughters...

[Serk]

Thank goodness I do not have daughters...

Much shorter version for sons:

Rules for dating my son!
1. He is not your ATM.
2. If you show up to my house looking like a stripper, I will make you go away.
3. If I see any sexts on his fone, I will make you go away.
4. Understand if I don't like you, I will make you go away.
5. Understand that I can make you go away.
6. He's a "Mama's boy" Unless you have a ring on your finger, your opinion on that doesn't matter.
7. You are not in charge of him and it is not up to you to change him. Take him for who he is or see rule #5.
8. He is a gentlemen. I taught him that. You better act like a lady and deserve that.
9. I know how to avoid jail.
10. If you weasel your way past all these rules and fake a way to a ring on your finger, I will be something much worse than your boyfriend's mom, I will be your mother-in-law.

[G-Man]

Man, we got it going the other way around and it has my wife and I baffled.

Son brings it to our attention that he's got a girlfriend, at 14.  My wife was not so happy, especially when he mentioned something about meeting the girls parents.  Cheryl is VERY conservative and doesn't believe the kids should be dating and questions the type of people the girl's parents are for allowing their daughter to date, let alone go steady, with a boy at that age. 

I got ambushed the other night.  Eric called to ask for a pick-up after going to the movies.  I show up and he asks if I can drive the girl (who I meeting for the first time) home.  Can't say no, so I take her home.  Within 5 seconds of pulling up to the house, the parents are coming out to meet me.  I'm unshaven , wearing sweats and ball cap (thankfully not the Southern Style cap I picked up in TN   ).  They seemed very nice.  Came right over so I had to get out of the car to shake hands and he greeted Eric like an old friend.  I guess he has no recollection of what 14 year old boys are all about.

They seem quite fine with their daughter spending time with a 6 foot tall hormone in funny looking sneakers.   

[JimC]

My three daughters are all grown now but they still do not think the following was funny.

About 25 - 30  years ago the whole family (wife and 4 kids) was sitting in the living room watching TV, yeah there were no cell phones then, when the telephone rang. I answer and it's a boy asking for my oldest daughter who was 13 or 14 years old at the time.

 I very calmly stated,    "She can't talk, call back in 3 or 4 years"

All four kids and the wife were sitting there and heard me say that, HOLY COW ! I never realized how much trouble you could get into with so many people for one little sentence. The only one that thought it was funny was my son.

Jim

[czuch]

I just put my arm around the intended and whispered "What ever you do to her, I'm gonna do to you".
Then I kissed him on the cheek. He just left. Huh. I wonder why.

[old2soon]

My oldest is my Daughter from my fist marriage. The first time he showed up at the house had all my guns out cleaning them. He wanted to ride her on his M/C-on road/off road something had him buy a new rear tire and the left passenger foot peg before he could take MY Daughter for a ride. Took him aside before they went out the first time and told him if I even THINK you done my Daughter wrong they will never find you. Daughter got back about 15 mins before I told them to be back and my Daughter informed me I scared the crap outa him. WHICH is as it's supposed to be. RIDE SAF.

[Oss]

the original application had the following line


List all possible fathers


sorry for the omission


As my middle child came home from school one day with a young man
who was of dubious integrity (or so I thought ) I picked up the wall phone in the kitchen
before she could enter the kitchen
and had pretty much the following imaginary conversation while facing away from them

Yes, Yes  No I am sure they will never find the bodies Mr Gambino
The hit on the others has been taken care of
Have a nice day sir

When I turned around I said to him  YOU DID NOT HEAR ANYTHING RIGHT?

The boy almost crapped his pants and to this day thinks I am a mob lawyer

All of his friends immediately became very nice to my girl and looked out for her
as she was a handful at that time

 

[Chrisj CMA]

There was a boy coming around for my daughter I didn't like.  I found his facebook page and posted this picture on it and under the photo it said "Never mind the Dog"



He was gone, funny thing my daughter wasn't that mad at me

[cookiedough]

our now 16 year old daughter has had about 3-4 boyfriends since age 14.  1 of the 4 was o.k., the rest I disliked VERY much.  I told her to just wait until in college all along.  She finally I think got the hint.

2nd from the last,  I had to call the cops and have a female cop my daughter and I know personally (went to high school with her-don't want to mess with her) visit him at his home stating if he EVER posts such false crap on facebook again, criminal charges will put his ass in jail.  He immediately stopped all messages entirely to my daughter and have seen him 2-3 times since, he doesn't even look my way and he better not say a word for he better out run me.

I wanted to go to his house (age 17 at the time now 18),  and beat the living crap out of him even if it meant me spending years in jail, NO joke, after reading the crap he posted on facebook.    I was pissed to no end and have a VERY HOT temper when lies are being told and with him sending over a few hundred texts to her in a matter of weeks at the end one right after the other = total harrassment. 

Wife and daughter told me to calm down, but I was that night going to get into my truck and bring a baseball bat along didn't care if his parents were around or not - NO joke!

[72cutlassdude]

Tossed my daughter's first boyfriend a 12 gauge shot gun shell and told him it moved a lot faster after 10pm. She was always home by 9:30pm.

[0leman]

I had three daughters.  Mostly no problems.  The first one had an senior boyfriend when she was a sophomore.  I didn't really like him, clean cut nice looking kid, just didn't like him.  Caught them out after 1200 one night, she slipped out after we went to bed.   They were in the front yard.  I told her to tell her boyfriend to leave.   He was trying to plead his case, saying they didn't do anything.  I told her to tell him to leave again.  She pleaded for me not to do anything, and told him to leave again.  I might add I was at that time 6'4" around 230 lbs and was not only a black belt in martial arts but taught it also.  He didn't know.  He left before I totally lost my cool.   She was grounded for a month, he never came back, they broke up.    Most of my daughters friend knew who I was and what I did for fun.   

Thankfully all graduated from college and have good jobs.

[Gryphon Rider]

An interesting story relevant to this discussion is that of Kim Walker of Yorkton Saskatchewan, father of then-16-year-old Jadah, who shot and killed her then-24-year-old drug-supplying boyfriend, James Hayward.

http://www.ctvnews.ca/how-far-would-you-go-to-save-your-child-1.766652

[98valk]

always liked this list.

Rule One:
 If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.
 
 
Rule Two:
 You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.


Rule Three:
 I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.


Rule Four:
 I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.


Rule Five:
 It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early."


Rule Six:
 I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.


Rule Seven:
 As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?


Rule Eight:
 The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.


Rule Nine:
 Do not lie to me. On issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.


Rule Ten:
 Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.