Thoughts of the Day....

[bassman]

The location of your mailbox shows you how far away from your house you can be in a robe, before you start looking like a mental patient.
 
I thought my vasectomy would keep my wife from getting pregnant but apparently it just changes the color of the baby.

My therapist said that my narcissism causes me to misread social situations.  I'm pretty sure she was hitting on me.
 
I always wondered what the job application is like at Hooters. Do they just give you a bra and say,"Here fill this out"?
 
The speed in which a woman says "nothing" when asked "What's wrong?" is inversely proportional to the severity of the s#@t storm that's coming.
 
Denny's has a slogan, ' If it's your birthday, the meal is on us.'  If you're in Denny's and it's your birthday--your life sucks!
 
If I make you breakfast in bed, a simple "Thank you" is all I need--not all this, "How did you get in my house" business!
 
The pharmacist asked me my birthday again today--pretty sure she's going to get me something.
 
On average, an American man will have sex two to three times a week; whereas a Japanese man will have sex only one or two times a year. This is upsetting news to me.  I had no idea I was Japanese.
 
I can't understand why women are okay that JC Penny has an older women's clothing line named, "Sag Harbor."
 
I think it's pretty cool how Chinese people made a language entirely out of tattoos.
 
What is it about a car that makes people think we can't see them pick their nose?

[Romeo]

 

[Willow]

     

What is it about a car ...   

[Gryphon]

Not to hijack a thread, but other points to ponder:

1. I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill. Apparently a turban, beard, and a backpack wasn't what they had in mind.

2. After a night of drink, drugs and wild sex, John woke up to find himself next to a really ugly woman. That's when he realized he had made it home safely.

3. Seven wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Para-Olympics after they tested positive for WD40.

4. A teenage boy asks his granny: “Have you seen my pills? They were labeled LSD?” Granny replies: “ The hell with the pills, did you see the dragons in the kitchen?”

5. Wife gets naked and asks hubby: “What turns you on more, my pretty face or my sexy body?” Hubby looks her up and down and replies: “Your sense of humor!” (Hospital visiting hours are 5:00 to 6:00. )

6. A chap's wife's back on the warpath again. She was up for making a sex movie last night, and all he did was suggest they should hold auditions for her part. (His viewing will be Saturday from 7:00 till 8:30. )

7. I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next crap could spell disaster.

8 . I woke up this morning at 9:00 , and could sense something was wrong. I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing! I panicked. I didn't know what to do. Then I remembered McDonalds serves breakfast until 10:30.

9 . My missus packed my bags, and as I walked out the front door. She screamed: "I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!" I replied: "Oh, so now you want me to stay!”

10. Bought the missus a hamster skin coat last week. When we went to the fair last night it took me 3 hours to get her off the Ferris wheel.

11 . The other night, my wife asked me how many women I'd slept with. I told her: "Only you. All the others kept me awake all night!" (The doctor says I should be able to see again in about ten days. The broken arm will take about a month. )

BACTERIA...It's the only culture some people have!

[Spirited-6]

No. 9 ! 

[roadcaptain]

THAT WAS GOOD