How do the recorders keep a straight face

[Patrick]

In my last life I faced such lawyers many times. I really do wonder how some passed the bar. Some bring a smile to my face.

 
How DOCourt Recorders Keep a Straight Face???
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts and are things people actually said in court,... word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.

 

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS:   He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY:  And why did that upset you?
WITNESS:   My name is Susan!
_______________________________
ATTORNEY:  What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS:   Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
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ATTORNEY:  Are you sexually active?
WITNESS:   No, I just lie there.
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ATTORNEY:  What is your date of birth?
WITNESS:   July 18th.
ATTORNEY:  What year?     
WITNESS:   Every year.
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ATTORNEY:  How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS:   Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY:  How long  has he lived with you?
WITNESS:   Forty-five years.     
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ATTORNEY:  This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS:    Yes.
ATTORNEY:   And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS:    I forget..
ATTORNEY:   You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
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ATTORNEY:   Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS:    Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________
 
ATTORNEY:  The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS:   He's 20, much like your IQ..
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ATTORNEY:  Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS:   Are you shitting me?
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ATTORNEY:  So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS:   Yes.
ATTORNEY:  And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS:   Getting laid
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ATTORNEY:  She had three children , right?
WITNESS:   Yes.
ATTORNEY:  How many were boys?
WITNESS:   None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS:   Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
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ATTORNEY:  How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS:   By death..
ATTORNEY:  And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS:   Take a guess.
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ATTORNEY:  Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS:   He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY:  Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS:   Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY:  Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS:   No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY:  Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS:   All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
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ATTORNEY:  ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS:   Oral...
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY:  Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS:   The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY:  And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS:   If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY:  Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS:   Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________
And last:
 
ATTORNEY:  Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS:   No.
ATTORNEY:  Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS:   No.
ATTORNEY:  Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS:   No..
ATTORNEY:  So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS:   No.
ATTORNEY:  How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS:   Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY:  I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS:   Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

   

[Jersey mike]

ATTORNEY:  ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS:   Oral...

[Jess from VA]

Here's my funniest moment.  Doing a walk-through uncontested divorce, with my client an old inner city woman on the stand (50-60 something) (absolutely true):

Me:  Now ma'am, this is a no fault divorce state, but I am still required to establish a lawful factual basis for your complaint, so briefly, why are you seeking this divorce today.

Her:  Well, I shot the sonofabitch six times, and he didn't die.... so I guess I need a divorce.

The judge almost fell out of his chair.  

And it's always poor form when your client, under oath, admits to attempted murder in a courtroom.  I had no idea she would say this, and could not ask one more question about it, lest her response be even more damming.  It might have been self defense, but probably stopped being self defense after one or two shots.  The judge granted her divorce and asked no questions, he did eye the great big purse on her lap (long before magnetometers in courthouses).  

I spent a year as law clerk for a MI trial judge.  The court reporters do laugh, but with their face buried in the recorder's mask, you cannot tell they are laughing (except for shoulder movement, or tears).