RED SKELTON’S RECIPE FOR THE PERFECT MARRIAGE! :)

[John Schmidt]

1. Two times a week we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, good food and companionship. She goes on Tuesdays; I go on Fridays.

2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in California, and mine is in Texas.

3. I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. She said… ‘Somewhere I haven’t been in a long time!’ So I suggested the kitchen.

5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker. She said ‘There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!’ So I bought her an electric chair.

7. My wife told me the car wasn’t running well because there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was. She told me, ‘In the lake.’

8. She got a mud-pack, and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.

9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, ‘Am I too late for the garbage?’ The driver said, ‘No, jump in!’

10. Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.

11. I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was Always.

12. I haven’t spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don’t like to interrupt her.

13. The last fight was my fault though. My wife asked, ‘What’s on the TV?’ I said, ‘Dust!’

[ptgb]

I have made it 19 years (tomorrow)(and going strong) by using any one of these three statements in conversations with my wife....

1:   Wife: "I'm gonna...", "I wanna...", "I found....", "I bought...", "Here's what I'm thinking..."

      Me: "ok"

2:   Wife: "We should....", "Let's....", "You and I have to....", "You should...", "You need to...", "We gotta..."

      Me: "Sounds good"

3:   Wife: "Me and the girls are going to....", "I am going out to get...", "I am planning...", "I need to buy...", "Me and my sisters are thinking about..."

      Me: "Have fun"


One of the three works in EVERY imaginable situation.  

[Andy Cote]

Ever notice how nearly everyone on The Andy Griffith Show is always happy, laughing and enjoying life?  The only character on the show that's married is Otis, the town drunk.

[Thunderbolt]

I always enjoyed Red Skelton.  This one came from the church bulletin.  "All men make mistakes.  Married men find out sooner"

[old2soon]

I always enjoyed Red Skelton.  This one came from the church bulletin.  "All men make mistakes.  Married men find out sooner"

            When the wife sez-remember when-you are reminded it could have been yesterday or 6 years ago!  And as my 2nd wife was fond of reminding me-I'm 49% bitch and 51% sweetheart-DON'T push it.  RIDE SAFE.