Grandma's Thanksgiving Invitation......

[bassman]

Dear Family,
 
I'm not dead yet. Thanksgiving is still important to me. If being in my Last Will and Testament is important to you, then you might consider being with me for my favorite holiday.
 
Dinner is at 2:00.
 
Not 2:15.
 
Not 2:05.
 
Two. 2:00
 
Arrive late and you get what's left over.
 
Last year, that moron Marshall fried a turkey in one of those contraptions and practically burned the deck off the house. This year, the only peanut oil used to make the meal will be from the secret scoop of peanut butter I add to the carrot soup.
 
Jonathan, your last new wife was an idiot. You don't arrive at someone's house on Thanksgiving needing to use the oven and the stove. Honest to God, I thought you might have learned after two wives - date them longer and save us all the agony of another divorce.
 
Now, the house rules are slightly different This year because I have decided that 47% of you don't know how to take care of nice things. Paper plates and red Solo cups might be bad for the environment, but I'll be gone soon and that will be your problem to  deal with.
 
House Rules:
 
1. The University of Texas no longer plays Texas A &M. The television stays off during the meal.
 
2. The "no cans for kids" rule still exists. We are using 2 liter bottles because your children still open a third can before finishing the first two. Parents can fill a child's cup when it is empty. A ll of the cups have names on them and I'll be paying  close attention to refills.
 
3. Chloe, last year we were at Trudy's house and I looked the other way when your Jell-O salad showed up. This year, if Jell-O salad comes in the front door it will go right back out the back door with the garbage. Save yourself some time, honey. You've  never been a good cook and you shouldn't bring something that wiggles more than you. Buy something from the bakery.
 
4. Grandmothers give grandchildren cookies and candy. That is a fact of life. Your children can eat healthy at your home. At my home, they can eat whatever they like as long as they finish it.
 
5. I cook with bacon and bacon grease. That's nothing new. Your being a vegetarian doesn't change the fact that stuffing without bacon is like egg salad without eggs. Even the green bean casserole has a little bacon grease in it. That's why it tastes so  good. Not eating bacon is just not natural. And as far as being healthy... look at me. I've outlived almost everyone I know.
 
6. Salad at Thanksgiving is a waste of space.
 
7. I do not like cell phones. Leave them in the car.
 
8. I do not like video cameras. There will be 32 people here. I am sure you can capture lots of memories without the camera pointed at me.
 
9. Being a mother means you have to actually pay attention to the kids. I have nice things and I don't put them away just because company is coming over. Mary, watch your kids and I'll watch my things.
 
10. Rhonda, a cat that requires a shot twice a day is a cat that has lived too many lives. I think staying home to care for the cat is your way of letting me know that I have lived too many lives too. I can live with that. Can you?
 
11. Words mean things. I say what I mean. Let me repeat: You don't need to bring anything means you don't need to bring anything. And if I did tell you to bring something, bring it in the quantity I said. Really, this doesn't have to be difficult.
 
12. Domino's and cards are better than anything that requires a battery or an on/off switch. That was true when you were kids and it's true now that you have kids.
 
13. Showing up for Thanksgiving guarantees presents at Christmas. Not showing up guarantees a card that may or may not be signed.
 
In memory of your Grandfather, the back fridge will be filled with beer. Drink until it is gone. I prefer wine anyway. But one from each family needs to be the designated driver.
 
I really mean all of the above.
 
Love You, Grandma

[..]

 

[Pappy!]

THAT......is great!!

[solo1]

That covers it pretty much. I like it. I would add one thing. Caps or any head coverings are NOT worn at my house during the meals. I learned that in the Army and never forgot it.

[oldsmokey]

Nice

[da prez]

  This year , all cell phones will be left in another room.

                                         da prez

[John Schmidt]

That covers it pretty much. I like it. I would add one thing. Caps or any head coverings are NOT worn at my house during the meals. I learned that in the Army and never forgot it.

Wayne, I'm with you on that one. Leave your oily looking Caterpillar or John Deere baseball cap at home or in the car, everybody knows you're losing your hair. Go to K-Mart and get yourself a nickel's worth of couth and use it for the next gathering. OK, so I seem as grumpy as grandma but guess what....I don't care. She has some good points and I exercise them as well at my house; caps/hats off during meal time, cell phones on vibrate(and unanswered) and the kids can learn to function without their electronic toys. We say a prayer before meals....you don't like that, probably means you need it more than anyone. If you go back for another helping, wonderful....but use the utensil provided to dish it out, not your own fork that you've been eating with already. I called my wife's eldest on that once, really pissed him off....said he didn't like to be corrected like a child. I took his paper plate and tossed it in the trash, then told him to stop acting like one. If I ask your kids to stop running in the house, I mean stop running in the house. If you can't control them, I will....like it or not.

PS: TV stays off until after we're done eating, then you have the volume at a level for your room only....not the neighbors. I find the holidays a bit of a PITA these days. 

[old2soon]

 Wayne John Ross I agree with y'all. But on the other hand-oh wait-lets simplify this-my house my rules. Don't like it? Go to micky Ds. I DESPISE looking across the table at a family gathering and somebody has gotz ta be texting or playin a game. I'll use a Red Foremanism here-dumb asses. RIDE SAFE.

[Jersey mike]

Now that sounds like an interesting family to be a part of, no wonder why grandpa had the back fridge filled 

[Willow]

When I invite someone to my house I do have some practices and patterns that I expect to be followed.  That said, invitations are to be a time of giving and not so much taking and demanding.  Too many conditions or requirements smacks heavily of self centeredness.  If someone, anyone, were to invite me to a dinner with an attached list of a dozen or more requirements my response would be a simple, "No, thank you."

[Serk]

When I invite someone to my house I do have some practices and patterns that I expect to be followed.  That said, invitations are to be a time of giving and not so much taking and demanding.  Too many conditions or requirements smacks heavily of self centeredness.  If someone, anyone, were to invite me to a dinner with an attached list of a dozen or more requirements my response would be a simple, "No, thank you."

In general I'd agree with you, but in this case the humorous invite wasn't so much an invite as a requirement for later payment:

"I'm not dead yet. Thanksgiving is still important to me. If being in my Last Will and Testament is important to you, then you might consider being with me for my favorite holiday."

[John Schmidt]

Actually I'm not the grinch my post seemed to project. My major issue is for some reason that day at grandma & grandpa's house is a time the little ones want to run wild. The only thing I require of everyone is no caps/hats at the table and cell phones in your pocket until we're done eating. One young college gal thought that was a bit overbearing but complied. Our day turned out just fine in both those respects, and I told the little gals if they wanted to scream while playing(as little girls are wont to do), they have to do it outside.

As for myself, I was thankful we made it through(so far) a rather difficult year....physically and financially. For the first time in months my wife ate like there was no tomorrow, then picked in the food the rest of the afternoon. She finally crashed about 5:30 and didn't crack an eyelid until nearly 8:00am today. Best day and night she's had in a long time, I only had one plate and a small slice of pie with coffee. Spent the majority of the afternoon in the shop just putzing with whatever, small bite to eat after everybody left then a little TV with no football. Today I feel great! Only one more holiday to drag through and we're done for another year.