Looking for opinions?

[pais]

    Boy oh boy isn't that subject line a loaded one? I will try to communicate my story as concisely as possible. Anxious to hear what you guys have to say.
   
    I am a 55yo parent of a 17yo young man that is in the midst of his final year of high school and final year of high school baseball.
    About a month ago the BB coach mentioned to my son (Alex) that he should cut his hair. (His hair is at his shoulders but, very thick. From the time Alex started letting his hair grow, the rule was hair had to be kept clean, combed and kept out of his eyes). Alex came home and told me this and he also told me that he did not want to cut it. I immediately said that I would stand behind whatever decision he made. For the last 3 weeks it has not been an issue (he did not cut it). This past Monday coach told him it needed cut and he would like to see 4 inches cut off.
     The team rules are, no facial hair and hair must be kept above the ears. The head coach shaved his facial hair off. One of the ass't. coaches has hair literally down to the top of his ass. All 3 yrs that my son has played this coach has never altered/cut his hair. Here is my dilemma. 1) Part of me says, as long as hair is neat(I suggested that my son keep his hair in a tight pony tail under his hat) and clean whats the big deal? 2) I am also from the school, lead by example. 3) I am also from the school, team rules are team rules.
     Son and I talked more about this last night. He is confident that if he doesn't cut it, his playing time will be drastically cut. He also told me that he doesn't think its right that he cuts his hair but, one of the men that makes the rules is allowed not to follow them! I told him, he knew the rules going in, 4th yr playing.
     I am truly torn.

[Serk]

Leave it up to him, be willing to yank him off the team.

I was forced to cut my hair or be expelled from high school in the 1980s. The principal told me to my face that I would never be successful "Looking like a god cursed hippy."

I vowed then I would be successful, and I would do it with long hair.

Now, at age 46 I STILL won't cut my hair just to prove that son of a bitch wrong.

[Pete]

Good luck with this one.
Seems his choices are straight forward and he knew going in.

But if he wants to fight it appeal to the next step up the ladder.
But be prepared to win or lose.

As for the issue, the world is not going to end either way, hope he understand that.

[hubcapsc]

I immediately said that I would stand behind whatever decision he made.

Do that 

he knew the rules going in

It's just hair and baseball... As an old guy who still has hair, I wish
I could play baseball like a 17 year old...

-Mike

[semo97]

I would not worry about a coach or anyone else's hair on there head or face. Rules are rules you knew them. You can cut it or quit. Buck the system you will just pick up splinters. How bad do you want to play? It is only hair and it grows back. If you are an asset for the team cut it for the team. It is your last year and you may never play with these guys again. Take the tough road Dad and have him cut it, this year with these guys will be his best year to remember it only comes around once in a life time, hair will always be there until old age then it means nothing.

[Gavin_Sons]

Does he have a basketball scholarship?  If not what does he really have to lose? I say if there is a scholarship involved then yeah cut it but if not leave it be. Who are these coaches to dictate what the players hair is like? Are the school rules keep your hair short? Do the girls also have to cut thier hair short? Maybe he can tell them while he is playing basketball his hair identifies as girl hair.  ???

[cookiedough]

like you said, put the hair in a ponytail up inside the baseball cap, problem solved.

Seems to me your son goes to an uppidy school system with stupid rules, never heard of having to have your hair short to play any sport in high school. 

If it was my son same age 17 junior in high school, I would go to the monthly school board meeting and talk it out on what you all told us.  let the chips fall where they may, it is ONLY a game and am sure he is a starter and asset to the team, but is really his decision to make, not yours.  He can cut it easy enough shorter and then let it grow out after baseball season easy enough if after going to school board does not pan out.  If he really wants his hair long and is kicked off the team, then so be it like I said ONLY a game. 

never heard of any high school baseball or any sports team having to have short hair for a boy to be able to be on the team.  Seems like the school is F'ed up. 

Question:  is ONLY the baseball team like this or does the haircut policy apply to all sports?  If ONLY baseball, then the school board can shove it should be for ALL sports not just baseball.  that to me is totally not right and B.S.

I was the team captain senior year in baseball and my last game was against a team we should have beat post season.  I, along with 2 other seniors on my team, got kicked out of our last game because the refs were blind on several calls one of mine being a catcher and tagged runner out attempted to plow me over so I shoved him with glove with ball in it out of baseline and waited for the OUT call from home plate ump.  The runner got back in baseline and dove to homeplate calling him safe.  I had a few choice words with home plate ump telling him he was blind and paid off, so got kicked out of the game.  I made my decision so be it.  Your kid has to make his own decision on this one.  If his hair is important enough, then just quit the team and you can tell your son he just has to live with it is all. He will get over it am sure, I did.  I would fight it with school board first since seems bogus rule to me for sure. 

[Jess from VA]

I have little experience dealing with HS school rules or team rules, but I do have experience dealing in conflict.

Sounds like you don't have much time, but I'd be interested in what the Principle (or whoever is the king these days, or the resident school rule expert) had to say on this subject.  Or if there is any written book of rules that can be had and read.  The first rule in much conflict is to beat the other guy with your knowledge of the rules and procedures governing the conflict (of course, the facts you have must fit into your arguments on applying those rules).

Maybe the Coach is the final word, but maybe he isn't or maybe his word isn't final on EVERY subject.  That's my main question.  If his power is absolute (at least on hair), it's good to know that.  If there is some way around him or his rules, or to head him off, it's good to know that too.  And if there is, you use that knowledge as power, to head him off or defeat him.  Understanding that if you do that and win (or lose), you probably make your son his enemy, probably for good.  Since he can't do much to you.  (Coaches have egos, and none of my Jr Hi or HS coaches had much flexibility, or sense of humor either.  Thinking back on it, they were some of the toughest sons of bitches I ever had to deal with.  In Football, not Track.)

What I would not do is threaten to sue the school, if you have no intention of actually doing that.  You could always seek a consultation with an attorney (for a fee), but I can tell you suing schools (or the coach personally) is not something most attorneys have any experience with, or desire to do.  

With all the big hair (on head and face) in MLB, you'd think this would not be an issue anymore.  Skill in the field and behind the bat ought to speak for itself.  But I watch a little college BB, and must admit I can't remember seeing any big hair in those games.

If there is no way around (or through) the coach on this issue using school rules and procedures, then your next step is compromise.  You ask your son what he can live with (understanding he will have to give something to get something), and then you try to arrange a sit down with the coach to work out this compromise in a fair and polite manner (probably paying deference to his ego, it costs you nothing but pride).  If he is able to hide his hair under a hat (and/or net), why can't he play?  A tight bunch single ponytail would seem good enough too (a braid even better), but what do I know?  If a deal is struck, your son has to stick to the letter of the deal (to expect the coach to do the same).

If no compromise can be reached (whether because of your son or the coach) I tend to think I'd want to make the coach kick him off the team, rather than your son quitting to make it easy for him.  And being kicked off may preserve any later discovered appeals or avenues that may disappear if he just quits.

I would support my son the best I could, by talking through the issue, consulting the rules and procedures, and even the principle, or in dealing with the coach.  But at some point, he will have to make his own decision and live with it on his own.

If a college scholarship was any possibility, I'd recommend sucking it up; that is real tangible money.

_____________________________
I started at tailback in triple option football, and ran back all punts and kickoffs on our team.  I earned that position with hard work, never missed a practice, and about the only thing I ever said to the coach was yes sir.  I will never forget the coach approaching me and telling me I was being benched in the next game because it was reported that I had been seen at a party over the weekend drinking alcohol.  The thing is, we had never been told that this was a rule, and there sure wasn't any rule book.  I was pretty indignant about it, though it was true I had been at that party and had had about 3 shots of liquor (I got woozy and fell asleep, not drunk).  So I didn't argue and shut up and sat on the bench.  Our 2d string tailback went in (and I'll never know, but was pretty sure he was the rat) and made no yards in about 6 straight carries.  When the coach turned around to look for me, I was standing behind him, and he grinned at me and said....... OK Jess, get in there.  There was never another word about it.  My hair was over my collar and about all I could stand.  I did have some fuzzy sideburns though.

The best physical shape of my life.  Just halfway through one of those practices today, and I'd be a dead man (after a lot of puking).

[Savage]

I would talk to the Principal about whether that rule should be enforced for leadership as well as students/players.

Double standards are only going to keep people from respecting authority/leadership.

The rules should apply throughout, not just handed down from the top.

[J.Mencalice]

Let him be a man and make his own decision...it will be the right one because it is his and his alone.

He will thank you for it when he turns 55, whether you are there or not; whether he plays this year or not.

I still thank my father for what he did (not) decide(ed) for me when I was 17 and he's been dead for 38 years.  Wisdom has no expiration date.

Think it over and put it to rest.

Play ball.

[revks]

I remember how black and white I saw things as a high school student. This can be a tough time for someone who doesn't fall in behind others. If he can talk it out with the head coach and have an open mind about not all things being absolutes, as well as understanding that those in authority don't always live by the same rules, then he can make the decision about what to do. As a parent with a stubborn son of my own who has a tendency to demand those in authority to follow their own rules perfectly, I can understand the dilemma.

I stood behind my son but also had to help him be alright with the grey areas of life.

[Willow]

Advice for you - Let him fight his own fights.  If he's not ready to do that by his senior year in high school something has gone terribly wrong in his upbringing.

Advice for your son - Decide what is important to you.  Is it growing your hair or playing baseball?  Make your choice.  The coach is in charge of the team.  You are in charge of your life.

[Oldfishguy]

Sorry to say, but I’d play a subtle head game with the head coach.

Call the coach and set up a short meeting before practice, make it sound casual and ask him if the assistance coaches can be there too so you can meet them.

Have your son do ALL the talking at the meeting, you say literally nothing.  Bite your tongue.  Coach your son to get to the point on exactly what he needs to do to stay in good favor with the coach.  This is a business meeting, pure and simple.

Now the twist is with the assistant coach’s long hair . . . never mention it or acknowledge it in any way.  But if he shows up at the meeting or even for a brief handshake make sure the head coach sees you meeting him.  And be business like and NEVER acknowledge  the long hair. 

Let the kid handle it and accept the coaches limitations.  Chances are the coach is just looking to make a point with the kids and a small give on your sons side will settle it. 

But use the assistance coaches hair as a very powerful silient leverage.

And do it soon, these things can get out of hand in a hurry with stubbornness setting in.

Bite your tongue during the meeting.
Best of luck.

[Hef]

I attended public high school 1962-1966. School policy was boys hair could not touch the top of the ear or top of your shirt collar. No T-shirts and shirt tails tucked in and jeans had to have a belt. Very strict enforcement. Basketball coach rule that all team members had to have a flat top (crew cut).Our star player decided to buck the system and would not do the short hair cut. He didnt expect the coach to cut him since he was the star player. Coach kicked him off the team.  As you know this was the era of the Beatles with their long hair. After being cut from the team he decided to go with the longer Beatle hair style and was expelled from school until he cut his hair. I remember talking to the coach about this and he said the hair was not the main point here. It was team unity and obedience. Were these rules necessary, probably not but for those of us who accepted them we attended a pretty good school and got a good education.

[Hooter]

Lead by example evidently isn't in their own rule book. I'd setup a meeting as soon as you can with only 2 people. The AD and the principal.  That's where I would start. Hypocrisy around kids is a bad life long teaching. The ol "do as I say not as I do" will leave a bad taste in anyone's mouth for life.

[Romeo]

All the talk about rules doesn’t make a bit of difference. The coach didn’t tell him he would be off the team, if he didn’t cut his hair. But, the coach always will have the final say on who takes the field. Is it fair, nope. Kinda like life In general. Explain that to your son, suggest he cuts his hair if he wants to play. Suggest at the end of the season he tells his coach thanks for all he has done for him over the years. Suggest he then tells his coach he will be growing his hair in whatever fashion he chooses and hopes his coach gets over his narrow mindedness in the future.

[Westernbiker]

I say look at it this way.
This is the LAST year you will be able to play this great game with your high school buddies. After this year.....most will move on to other schools, military and or jobs. NO more team. Last chance. Is your hair length really that important? ??? (But there is another coach with long hair to the top of his butt.) SO WHAT! Learn that life is NOT fair. The quicker this is learned the better. PICK YOUR BATTLES! This one......to me.....seems quite trivial compared to what is on the line. (IE: no more games with these classmates) I know the choice I would make.

[Oss]

Romeo, you nailed it

Someone once told me that we all pick the "hill" we are willing to die on.  So to me, your son should just listen to coach then after the last game tell him man to man whatever he has in his heart about the matter

[Frankj]

In 1974 I was in the Army stationed in Germany, one of the cooks had a huge afro and always kept it tucked under his cap while on duty, the first time I saw him without a hat I didn't recognize him, he passed all inspections and kept his afro

[bagelboy]

As a guy who has had long hair most of his 56 years, I would tell him that rules are rules, period. If you want to play, cut your hair. If you love your hair, then quit the team. There is no arguments. Years from now he won't care about his hair being cut, it will grow back. Making memories, playing ball, and being with his friends will mean much more. If he was in a corporate world, and told to cut it, he would have to make the same decisions. He may win by talking to the board or principal! but that doesn't mean the coach has to play him. He may just win the battle, but lose the war. I say cut it and play, or keep it and quit, period,

[..]

Get a buzz cut and donate the shorn, flowing locks to cancer kids for wigs.

Do it in plain sight of everyone before a game.

[pais]

   What a variety of opinions, good stuff!
    He got home from practice late, last night. We will talk today when I take him for a Dr. appt. Great place to talk is in the car.
    I will stand behind whatever he decides. Like to see him cut it because he knew going in that's the team rules. Yes, there is a team handbook. Play and enjoy his Sr year.
    I will surely let you guys know what transpires. Thanks for the input. Hope see you guys in Roanoak!

[Hooter]

I guess I'm one of the only ones here that is thinking about the principal of this whole thing. Yes, if he wants to play, cut it, it will grow back. Then he doesn't ride the pine. But the asst coach has hair down to his ass. Is he not part of the team?  If team members are supposed to abide by the rules, what is the coaching staff supposed to do? Again, lead by example! Not do as I say, not as I do. That analogy stinks in any situation especially if you are a leader.

[J.Mencalice]

Have your son read this newspaper article that was published today in the Denver Post.

This is what some moronic Texas baseball coach has in his head.  The television interview that this kid gave showed him to be clean cut and looking like most baseball players of his age, lean and long, a respectful attitude, and ready to play.  So, that's what he'd be up against if he'd wanted to go to play college ball for Texas Wesleyan.  What a load.
 
I hope they can his ass.

https://www.denverpost.com/2018/02/28/texas-college-baseball-coach-stay-home-colorado-high-school-potheads/#?spot_im_verify=signup&spot_im_token_ticket=ff96127b12b6425fab6cafb35bacda19

[semo97]

Have your son read this newspaper article that was published today in the Denver Post.

This is what some moronic Texas baseball coach has in his head.  The television interview that this kid gave showed him to be clean cut and looking like most baseball players of his age, lean and long, a respectful attitude, and ready to play.  So, that's what he'd be up against if he'd wanted to go to play college ball for Texas Wesleyan.  What a load.
 
I hope they can his ass.

https://www.denverpost.com/2018/02/28/texas-college-baseball-coach-stay-home-colorado-high-school-potheads/#?spot_im_verify=signup&spot_im_token_ticket=ff96127b12b6425fab6cafb35bacda19

Coach got fired this afternoon. 

[Rams]

Let him be a man and make his own decision...it will be the right one because it is his and his alone.

He will thank you for it when he turns 55, whether you are there or not; whether he plays this year or not.

I still thank my father for what he did (not) decide(ed) for me when I was 17 and he's been dead for 38 years.  Wisdom has no expiration date.

Think it over and put it to rest.

Play ball.

Advice for you - Let him fight his own fights.  If he's not ready to do that by his senior year in high school something has gone terribly wrong in his upbringing.

Advice for your son - Decide what is important to you.  Is it growing your hair or playing baseball?  Make your choice.  The coach is in charge of the team.  You are in charge of your life.

What they said.    

[J.Mencalice]

Have your son read this newspaper article that was published today in the Denver Post.

This is what some moronic Texas baseball coach has in his head.  The television interview that this kid gave showed him to be clean cut and looking like most baseball players of his age, lean and long, a respectful attitude, and ready to play.  So, that's what he'd be up against if he'd wanted to go to play college ball for Texas Wesleyan.  What a load.
 
I hope they can his ass.

https://www.denverpost.com/2018/02/28/texas-college-baseball-coach-stay-home-colorado-high-school-potheads/#?spot_im_verify=signup&spot_im_token_ticket=ff96127b12b6425fab6cafb35bacda19

Coach got fired this afternoon.  

Good.  Why keep a bigot around to influence young men in the errors (no pun) of his ways?

Colorado State University just canned the idiot coach (and his idiot buddy assistant) of their basketball team for unsavory behavior towards his players (a la Bobby Knight/Indiana).  However, we the taxpayers have to give him $750K on his way out of town.  Me?  I'd give him a burger, fries, coffee, and a kick in the ass at the bus depot.  Lousy college coaches don't deserve the lucrative contracts that they command (and usually get) when compared to actual educators.

But I digress (a little bit) from the original post about a young player deciding which decision to make about playing for a coaching staff that has a double standard when it comes to team rules.
"Play every innning for the love of the game, kid, and it will come full circle for you down the road"  is what I would tell you face to face if the opportunity presented itself.

[pais]

     Well.........................our son made his decision. Saturday afternoon after getting back from the in-laws. He left and came back with a hair cut. That is when he told me the coach came up to him Friday afternoon at practice and told him to get his hair cut. Son asked the coach if keeping it tied in a pony tail and tucked inside his hat would do. Son said he said no, quickly and sternly.
     Alex decided he wanted to play ball with no hassles. I heartedly agreed and suggested that he have a talk with the coach at the end of the season. I myself will be having a talk with the AD at the first opportunity available to me.
      Team rules are team rules, I understand. Leading with the "do as I say not as I do", grinds my gears! 

      I plan on seeing and meeting you guys at Inzane this year, looking forward to it! 

[Rams]

While I think a discussion with the coach is a waste of time, I sincerely doubt it will resolve any issues.   He already knows his assistance coach is setting a bad example but, I doubt there is anything he can do about that.    The team rules do not apply do the coaching staff or, the school employees/teachers.   They apply to those who wish to play on the team.

Is the asst coach setting a bad example?  Hell yes but, he's working under a different set of rules.

Not all rules are universal and most surely not enforced equally but, who promised who a rose garden.    Personally, I'm glad you let your son make the decision, good call on your part.   

[J.Mencalice]

     Well.........................our son made his decision. Saturday afternoon after getting back from the in-laws. He left and came back with a hair cut. That is when he told me the coach came up to him Friday afternoon at practice and told him to get his hair cut. Son asked the coach if keeping it tied in a pony tail and tucked inside his hat would do. Son said he said no, quickly and sternly.
     Alex decided he wanted to play ball with no hassles. I heartedly agreed and suggested that he have a talk with the coach at the end of the season. I myself will be having a talk with the AD at the first opportunity available to me.
      Team rules are team rules, I understand. Leading with the "do as I say not as I do", grinds my gears! 

      I plan on seeing and meeting you guys at Inzane this year, looking forward to it! 

Hope your son hits .375 and makes all-conference.  He made the right decision and it will pay off for him.  You are evidently proud of him.  Well done.

An outsiders opinion: Wait until the end of the season to meet with the athletic director; anything that gets back to the head coach could be taken out on your son's playing time during the season.  Once he's free and clear of retaliation (scholarship recommendations, placement on the team roster, being made and example of "parental interference", etc.) you can both speak your peace???

[Jess from VA]

Thanks for reporting back Pais. 

Conformity with rules (written and unwritten) for social and corporate/business life don't end in HS.

We all have to pick our own battles, though often battles may be won, but the wars lost.

I'm glad he gets to play.