Thinking it's time for a joke thread.

[DIGGER]

Dear Santa....

For Christmas this year all I want is a big fat bank account....and a slim body.   Please dont get the two mixed up like you did last year.

[DIGGER]

Starbucks is going to start selling beer and wine.....
Evidently its getting harder and harder to sell sober people a $12 cup of coffee.

[Serk]

The population of Ireland's capital city is really growing......


.....in fact it's Dublin!

[DIGGER]

I read this morning that exercise helps you to make wise decisions....its true....i went jogging this morning....and made the decision to never do it again.

[DIGGER]

I know you have been laying awake at night wondering why baby diapers have brand names such as "Luvs".
"Huggies," and "Pampers', while undergarments for old people are called"Depends"
Well here is the low down on the whole thing.
When babies crap in their pants, people are still gonna Luv'em, Hug'em and Pamper' em. When old people crap in their pants,
it "Depends" on who's in the will!

[Foozle]

I know you have been laying awake at night wondering why baby diapers have brand names such as "Luvs".
"Huggies," and "Pampers', while undergarments for old people are called"Depends"
Well here is the low down on the whole thing.
When babies crap in their pants, people are still gonna Luv'em, Hug'em and Pamper' em. When old people crap in their pants,
it "Depends" on who's in the will!

Digger,
I sincerely appreciate this enlightening information, although I'm not to the point of needing "Depends".   I have been deeply involved in changing Huggies and Pampers recently on my first grandson.   In accomplishing this process, I have re-learned how to hold both his feet lifting him up so that I can remove the wet or dirty diaper.

Here's where the confusion comes in, I don't believe any of my dependents (those listed in my will) are capable of changing my "Depends" when that becomes necessary.   Although my son does have an engine hoist and lifting straps, I'm thinking that laying on that cold garage floor may induce other issues.   As it does appear that you have in depth knowledge of this subject, please provide the procedure of changing Depends so I can pass it on to those who may need that information when the time comes.

TMI?  

Rams

TMI, indeed.  I'm sure I speak for us all, Ron, when I thank you for that lovely mental image. 

[DIGGER]

Madonna is 55.....her boyfriend is 22.
Tina Turner is 75.....her boyfriend is 40.
JLo is 42.....her boyfriend is 26.
Mariah Carey is 44.....her husband is 32.

Still single????
Relax....your boyfriend hasnt been born yet......

[John Schmidt]

Well guys, I went the other way...got me a gal 5 yrs. younger. I guess at my age that ain't hard to do. 

[DDT (12)]

I agree with John! Since crossing the three-quarter century threshold, I'm finding the thought of a 'Cougar' pursuing me to be a rather spooky one!!!

DDT (12)

[0leman]

I agree with John! Since crossing the three-quarter century threshold, I'm finding the thought of a 'Cougar' pursuing me to be a rather spooky one!!!

DDT (12)

Agree 100%, beside the DW wouldn't like it 

[John Schmidt]

I agree with John! Since crossing the three-quarter century threshold, I'm finding the thought of a 'Cougar' pursuing me to be a rather spooky one!!!

DDT (12)

Spooky doesn't begin to describe it. There was no pursuing(or looking) by either of us, just sorta happened. Both of us had accepted the fact that at our age, there were no more sparks left to fly. Brother were we wrong! When I said "at my age that ain't hard to do" (finding someone younger), I was referring to the fact I'm about to turn 85. At that stage of the game, most anyone you cross paths with is younger...Nancy will turn 80 on Feb. 3. I kid her about how I like to get them young and bring them up right. She countered with "bring your two-wheel hand cart to the wedding cuz you know you can't carry me across the threshold." With that I dropped what I was doing, walked across the room and picked her up in my arms. I didn't set her down until she properly paid me for the surprise. Believe me...she was surprised. 

[DIGGER]

be sure to start at the beginning

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vpVhn9ErzDA&t=112s

[RP#62]

Wish I could take credit for this:

In my day, we has so much eggs and toilet paper, we used to throw it at the houses of people we didn't like.


-RP

[Serk]

Not a joke, but how about a Limerick?

(12 + 144 + 20 + 3√4)/7 + 5(11) = 9² + 0

[Challenger]

Not a joke, but how about a Limerick?

(12 + 144 + 20 + 3√4)/7 + 5(11) = 9² + 0

A dozen a boast and a score plus. Ahhhh! My head hurts

[Serk]

Not a joke, but how about a Limerick?

(12 + 144 + 20 + 3√4)/7 + 5(11) = 9² + 0

A dozen a boast and a score plus. Ahhhh! My head hurts

A dozen, a gross and a score
Plus three times the square root of four
Divided by seven
Plus five times eleven
Is nine squared and not a bit more.

[Serk]

How do you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber?

...ask them to pronounce "unionized."

[Serk]

Al Gore Quotes And Blunders

Hey now, if it weren't for Al Gore and his inventing the Internet, we wouldn't be here chatting about this right now! 

[da prez]

  Johnny went fishing.  Johnny hooked a bass.  Johnny fell in clear up to his  -ask me no questions , tell me no lies , Johnny fell in clear up to his eyes. 

  Mary had a bicycle , the bicycle was made of brass , every time she hit a bump , she would land on her - ask me no questions tell me no lies , Mary did land on her ?

                                      da prez

[signart]

Rump

[DIGGER]

Puns from Indian Hills Sign.....

People are making Apocalypse jokes like there is no tomorrow.

Im terrified of elevators and Im taking steps to avoid them

I have a chicken proof lawn....its impeccable

When the smog lifts in California....UCLA

Beer nuts for sale $1.25 a bag....
Deer nuts are under a buck

[f6gal]

The other day, Louise and I got into some petty argument. (I say it was petty. She would have said it was Armageddon.)

As is our nature, neither of us would admit the possibility that we might be in error.

To her credit, Louise finally said, 'Look. I'll tell you what. I'll admit I'm wrong if you admit I was right.'

'Fine.' I said.

She took a deep breath, looked me in the eye and said, 'I'm wrong.'

I grinned and replied, 'You're right.'

Who the heck is Louise??  Does Alice know about her? 

[DIGGER]

 
Things to Think About (don't let them keep you awake all night)

If a poison's "use by" date expires, is it less poisonous or more poisonous?

Which letter is silent in the word "Scent," the S or the C?

Do twins ever realize that one of them was unplanned?

Why is the letter W, in English, called double U? Shouldn't it be called double V?

Maybe oxygen is slowly killing you, and it just takes 75-100 years to fully work.

Every time you clean something, you just make something else dirty

The word "swims" upside-down is still "swims"

100 years ago, everyone owned a horse, and only the rich had cars. Today everyone has cars and only the rich own horses.

If you replace "W" with "T" in "What, Where and When", you get the answer to each of them

UNRESOLVED CONFUSIONS!

1) At a movie theater, which armrest is yours?

2) If people evolved from monkeys, why are monkeys still around?

3) Why is there a 'D' in fridge, but not in refrigerator?

4) Who knew what time it was when the first clock was made?

VAGARIES OF THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE

Why does the word "Funeral" start with FUN?

Why isn't a fireman called a waterman?

How come Lipstick doesn't do what it says?

If money doesn't grow on trees, how come banks have branches?

If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?

How do you get off a non-stop flight?

Why are goods sent by ship called CARGO, and those sent by truck called SHIPMENT?

Why do we put cups in the dishwasher, and dishes in the cupboard?

Why is it called "Rush Hour" when traffic moves at its slowest then?

How come noses run and feet smell ?

Why do they call it a TV "set" when there is only one?

What are you vacating when you go on a vacation?

[DIGGER]

Whoever put the "s" in "Fastfood"
was a marketing genius!!

[DIGGER]

COFFEEEEE.......
you havent had enough till you can thread a sewing machine while its running!!

[DIGGER]

I just asked myself...."am I crazy?"
and we all said "no"

[h13man]

https://www.facebook.com/photo/?fbid=10159788237024143&set=gm.5659531907492621&idorvanity=2414514615327716&__cft__

• =AZU8vJ6BHQy5z0fwQ1vsPBDDqytupTRQ1GsXq0F7_UC_cZyQY46dzWhS4l8DMiOLb18pRoZARTtt4sy2Ovh0lww0khpkXHqQTGzPMJVyswrD3vi-qYIwt-c6vwn5IPQlPpqgMbbUR5IVzEAhI-bSlTf73rAVcqckVLve4Ngs39Tn0hQ2euCqOJqIfYpnfieByJllfq_jDMOu5cd19O0MwI7F&__tn__=EH-y-R

[DIGGER]

If I am ever on life support, unplug me and plug me back in and see if that works.

[John Schmidt]

If I am ever on life support, unplug me and plug me back in and see if that works.

OK but, are you sure you won't kick start? 

Rams

Just change my IV to coffee...no sugar or cream. If that doesn't do it, feel free to pull the plug.

PS: Would probably work best early in the morning. 

[bassman]

Italian Mistress (Oldie)

An Italian husband and wife were having dinner at a very  fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big open-mouthed kiss, then says she'll see him later and walks away.

The wife glares at her husband and says, "Who was that?"

"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."

"Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce!"

"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris,  no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Jaguar in the garage and no more yacht club.  No more credit card and large Bank accounts. But.... The decision is all yours."

Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm.

"Who's that woman with Tony?" asks the wife.

"That's his mistress," says her husband.

"Ours is prettier," she replies.

[Serk]

My wife and I were having a petty argument at a local burger pub.  A mutual friend  heard us, came to our table,  grabbed our French fries and the few cups of coleslaw we had, then took off.

We both like this guy but really wish he would stop taking sides.

[DIGGER]

An old buddy called and said he was going to be in town and could he crash on my couch for a couple nights.....  i had to explain to him "I'm married now....thats where I sleep."

[DIGGER]

I used to wake up feeling like a million bucks....
Now I wake up feeling like a bounced check....

[Jersey mike]

Keep up good work everyone, I love this page 

[DIGGER]

I posted a "selfie" on line....several people posted back "get well soon!"

[da prez]

  If this is a rerun , sorry.
  Found a genie's lamp on the beach. Rubbed it and the genie appears.  You will be granted three wishes , but what ever you wish for , your ex-wife will get twice the wish.
  Money as I need or want. Granted , your ex gets twice as much.
  Long lasting health. Granted , your ex gets twice as much.
  And for your third and final wish ,ask!  Remember your ex gets twice as much!
  Beat me half to death. 

                                                  da prez
 

[DIGGER]

  If this is a rerun , sorry.
  Found a genie's lamp on the beach. Rubbed it and the genie appears.  You will be granted three wishes , but what ever you wish for , your ex-wife will get twice the wish.
  Money as I need or want. Granted , your ex gets twice as much.
  Long lasting health. Granted , your ex gets twice as much.
  And for your third and final wish ,ask!  Remember your ex gets twice as much!
  Beat me half to death. 

                                                  da prez
 

good one....didnt see it coming...ha

[DIGGER]

 I've come to the conclusion that I have a memory like a "Etch A Sketch".....
I shake my head and I forget everything....

[DIGGER]

My new SUV has a button that says "Rear Wiper".....
I'm afraid to push it .......

[DIGGER]

I'm sitting in a Walmart parking lot watching a woman who cant find her car.....
Every time she holds her remote up in the air I honk my horn.....

Life can be fun if you make it fun....