The work of Steven Wright...

[Ramjet]

If you're not familiar with the work of Steven Wright, he's the famous erudite scientist who once said:
"I woke up one morning, and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates".

His mind sees things differently than most of us do. Here are some of his gems:
------------------------------------------------

1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

2 - Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.

3 - Half the people you know are below average.

4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5 - 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

6 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

7 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

8 - If you want the rainbow, you've got to put up with the rain.

9 - All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.

10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend... but she left me before we met.

12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark?

13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

16 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

18 - Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.

19 - I intend to live forever... so far, so good

20 - If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

22 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

23 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."

24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

25 - If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

26 - A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

27 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

30 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

31 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

32 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

33 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.

And an all time favorite-

34 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?

[Momz]

Steven Wright is truely one of the most brilliant minds of our time.

[JimL]

And my all time favorite Steven Wright quote:

[RoadKill]

Steve Wright is one of my favorites....because he understands ME !

'Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.  I think I've
forgotten this before."

"When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction."

"There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were
trapped on the escalators."

"My VCR flashes 01:35, 01:35, 01:35, ...  "

"I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography "

[FryeVRCCDS0067]

I saw him one late night on Johnny Carson, probably in the 70's and I still laugh about it.

He was talking as a 70's era party person if you know what I mean.

One of the things he said was. "You know that feeling when you're leaning back in your chair and it's on two legs? Then, suddenly you feel like you've leaned back too far and you are about to fall and you're just tottering there?" Johnny said yes and Stephen said "I feel like that all the time!"

Then he started looking around on the floor and when asked what he was looking for he said, "I've lost a button hole from my shirt".

[asfltdncr]

Did you ever notice that the disjockeys always quit talking when you go through a tunnel?
Not the Steven Wright you're referring to?

[tarheel-one]

Another line by him: I boutht some powdered water, but I don't know what to add to it.

[Black Dog]

In his monotone voice - I came home the other night, and when I put the key in the door, it started up...  So I decided to take it around the block...  Cop pulls me over, and when he asks where I live, I say "right here"...

Love the one about 'tipping the chair' too 

Black Dog