Where I am; where I was; and where I hope to be

[Willow]

It's been almost ten months now since the incident.  My wife used to call it the accident but I would tell her, "I have no memory of the moment of occurrence so I cannot confidently say whether it was an accidental or intentional incident."  A little less than a month ago during the deluge of birthday wishes someone asked how I was doing so I thought I might present an update.

I tend to talk (type) a lot these days, mostly about myself.  If you're not inclined to read a stream of meaningless babble just skip over it.  I won't be offended.  

On 18 May 2013, Saturday morning, I was riding south on the flyway to meet my friends for lunch in El Dorado.  The state trooper first on site noticed a blood glucose kit among the items scattered from my saddlebags and instructed the arriving EMTs to check my blood sugar level.  It measured forty-eight.  Well that's it, he thought, he must've lost consciousness, lost control and fell off the bike at highway speed.  Witnesses reported that the bike was swerving badly before it ejected the rider and flipped.  They reported that the bike ran over the rider, but things can look misleading from a distance.

When my friends went to retrieve the machine they found it wouldn't hold air at all in the rear tire and found a hole that, as they described it, looked like someone had pierced the tire with a large bolt and removed it.   My assessment is that I experienced sudden and complete deflation and did not handle it well.

The trooper on the scene said, "He kept trying to turn over but I was afraid he would drown in the blood."

If my memory serves the list of the injuries went something like this.  There was a broken wrist and thumb.  The middle finger of the left hand was broken above the knuckle on the hand.  The left big toe was broken.  The flesh was ground off both knees.  The left side of the lower lip had been ripped loose and there was extensive damage to the face.  The inside of the mouth contained a laceration.  I'm not sure what that one means.  There was a concussion and corresponding brain bleed on one side of the brain.  A few days later there would be a matching wound to the other side.  There was a brain sheer which as I understand it was between the frontal lobe and the main part of the brain.  There was very extensive road rash on the face and the back of both hands.  The doctor reported that both eye sockets were broken all the way around.  There was a "Break with minimal displacement of the C1" and the neck and throat were damaged enough that food was not possible during the next three days.  I have very only one short memory of the following two and one half weeks.

They initially flew my broken self by helicopter some sixty miles to Stormont Vail Hospital in Topeka.  The incident occurred on the Kansas Turnpike just below Emporia, Kansas.

The doctors advised my wife, Lori, that the brain injuries would take six months or a year or more to heal.  "He has no filter," they said.  They were correct.  I did not.  I told my friends that whatever bounced between my ears would come out my mouth.

A normal person carries an image in front of him that he tries to show to all he sees.  The last thing he will do before speaking or acting is ask himself, "How will this make me look?"  I had no such question.  What I am is what you will likely see.  Even well down the road to healing, maybe completed, I still have no inclination and no patience with deceit and pretense.   I tell my friends also that the world would be a better place to live if we all took a couple of quick shots to the head.

The path to physical healing has been slower than I would have chosen.  Lori did a great job of taking care of me when I could not take care of myself. I wore a neck brace until almost August.  I wore bandages om my hands and knees for a long, long time.  I participated in physical therapy to assist with regaining use of the wrist and hand.  They both now have metal inside and a four inch scar where the doctor had gained access to the injured bone.

It was after one of those physical therapy session that they took me to the emergency room at St. Luke's Hospital.  I had been showing off a bit for the therapist and I came very close to fainting.  They measured my blood pressure and one of the numbers was well below sixty.  I think it corresponded to the blood sugar figure at the incident scene.  They took most of the afternoon trying to determine what went wrong.  I was so weak that my spouse had to hold my instrument while I urinated lying on my back.  They sent the medical personnel and my daughter out of the room.

Ultimately they decided I was dehydrated.  The doctor twice (two times) fed a liter of liquid directly into my blood stream.  After the second one he declared it wasn't back to normal but was within acceptable parameters.  He strongly advised me not to let it happen again and to see my regular physician.  A week later I was at InZane.  Some of you may have seen me there.

I was greatly disappointed the first time I tried to support my weight on my knees and discovered they were both opened up and bleeding.  It had a tendency to destroy the romantic mood of the moment but fortunately wasn't made \known until after the important feat had been completed.

I'm mostly healed now.  I have to a great extent retained some of the changes resulting from the brain injuries.  I am unclear as to how much of the change is physical and how much is experiential.  I have a good friend, an RN, who has worked with brain injured patients and she tells me she;s pretty sure it's a 70/30 split.  Whatever it's reason it is what it is.  My wife has recently given up her hope that things will ever be just like they were before the incident.  

Many people can't handle complete frankness and it gets interpreted as anger.  I have friends who used to enjoy being around me that don't so much anymore.  I have friends who used to not like me so much and now they think I'm a lot of fun.   I'm pretty comfortable with who and what I am.  

I have a tendency to be difficult to get along with.  That makes me largely ineffective in committee situations.  Things, responsibilities, will of necessity continue to change.  I have come to accept that I have a tendency to be a bit of an asshole.  I'm okay with that.  What I want to be is the most generous and kindest asshole that anyone could hope to meet.  

Soon after the incident I was deeply impressed that I had been spared the natural result of hitting the pavement at eighty miles per hour for a very specific reason.  The normal middle class things of life lost all sense of importance to me and I was greatly impressed that all that really matters in this life is how I can be of service to my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.  That sense has faded some and it bothers me.  I don't want to have to do it again.

I've been riding since mid-August.  The day after they called to tell me I was okayed to drive I rode the bike to work some sixty miles west.  I still tend to get scared sometimes when I'm in traffic at flyway speeds.  I decided long ago that I will let my fears speak to me, maybe advise me, but not to control me.

I'm still learning to deal with the world around me.  I still have intermittent memory lapses.  It's not so much that the memory is gone as it is that the path to a particular memory has been severed.  Sometimes it can be a word or name that I have used just a short time before.  I tell my wife that I am as brilliant as I ever was, but it is punctuated by times of absolute ignorance.  The problem is determining which is which.

Seems like a ramble this long should end with some sort of moral to the story.  I don't have one.  We are the culmination of the experiences and choices of our lives.  The more severe the experience, the deeper the impact on one's life.  I am what I am and I'm okay with that.  A friend compared my experience to the story of the young man who ended up amputating his own arm to get off the mountain and save his life.  He related that he was actually thankful for the boulder that fell on his arm.  My friend asked me how I related to that.  I responded that I related very well.  I am thankful for the experience that brought me to what I am today.  I regret, or at least would if I were capable, the pain and stress that was caused to happen to those who love me, but for me it was worth the ride.

If you've taken the time to read this far, I thank you for your endurance.  It was mostly for me anyway.  Maybe we'll meet on the road somewhere.  When we do, it's a shame that you'll have to deal with an asshole, but rest assured I'll be one of the nicest assholes you've encountered.  If not just let me know.  It won't change anything in me, but you'll feel better for having made yourself known.  



   

[Fla. Jim]

Hang in there young man !!  You are better today than you were and I am sure will continue to recover. Sometimes it takes awhile to heal. especially between the ears. Praying for your continued improvement.

[Serk]

Can't wait to meet one of my favorite assholes again down in Friendswood. Still thankful you're still amongst us.

[The emperor has no clothes]

Thanks for sharing your story. I too strive to be a kind asshole. I doubt I'm as accomplished in either as you are BTW I think you are a lucky man to have the wife you do.

[RainMaker]

Thanks for the story - good to hear. You may not be where you want to be, but you're better than you could have been.

[Momz]

I read your personal essay with great interest.

I've also had my share of head trauma over the years and my share of broken bones.

I think I understand your issues and the healing process (especially my wife's recent accident). And as we age,...we don't heal as fast as we did in our younger years.

Thank God you have a supportive wife and faith in the Lord.

Thanks for sharing Carl.

[Big Al of Tennessee]

Read it all, this is my favorite part. Thanks for being honest, it may help others. When all is said

and done. I am sorry to say, that was almost the case. This is all that matters.

Your Words from here.


"Soon after the incident I was deeply impressed that I had been spared the natural result of hitting the pavement at eighty miles per hour for a very specific reason.  The normal middle class things of life lost all sense of importance to me and I was greatly impressed that all that really matters in this life is how I can be of service to my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.  That sense has faded some and it bothers me.  I don't want to have to do it again."

[saddlesore]

 I relate to much of your story but I didn't have any traumatic brain injury to get there.
 There's a screw loose somewhere, but I was born that way.  I've grown to accept it.
 You obviously understand who you are. Sometimes other people can't understand. We don't owe anyone an explanation but like you I try to be polite, kind and helpful.
 Live by the golden rule and know in many ways you are wiser than a lot of other ass holes out there.  

[musclehead]

I appreciate anyone with an unvarnished opinion   if I say "what do you think?" I want a straight answer.

the moral of the story is what you said about fear, great way of putting it...

[John Schmidt]

Carl, it's good to gain a bit more insight into what happened and what has transpired since. I'm thankful you are where you are today. I really hope to see you this summer, it appears things may work out for me to attend. For what it's worth, a simple handshake won't suffice. 

[therapist]

Willow, very much enjoyed the read.  I think there is a book in you, not just about the "incident" but it seems you have lived the life of a cat...which life is this one?  As for the "asshole" diagnosis, I believe it would fall in the same category as "crazy".  I used to tell my clients that were afraid they had "gone round the bend" that truly "crazy" (in quotes, because it is so not a real diagnosis) people were unaware of their condition.  So, if you think you are an asshole, you are probably not (no matter what your wife says).  Healing is still happening for you...roll with the journey.  So glad you are still with us.

[Daniel Meyer]

Can't wait to meet one of my favorite assholes again down in Friendswood. Still thankful you're still amongst us.

What he said.

[G-Man]

Can't wait to meet one of my favorite assholes again down in Friendswood. Still thankful you're still amongst us.

What he said.

Ditto!   

[Spirited-6]

Thanks for the story - good to hear you may not be where you want to be, but you're better than you could have been.


[/qu

SORRY, B/S 

[R J]

Can't wait to meet one of my favorite assholes again down in Friendswood. Still thankful you're still amongst us.

What he said.

Ditto!   

What the 3 above said, asshole.

Now ya got me a doin it.......

I know, I'm easier to get over.......

Take care Bro, and quit trying to hurry everything.

Ya ain't in the Corps no more, so no rush.

Hope to see ya on the road somewhere this year Bro.

Semper fi.

[tbone]

Thanks for sharing. I look forward to seeing you again this year at inzane. You made last
years memorable for me but for those that skipped The best abs contest they will have to just
keep wondering. Take care.  

[HayHauler]

Can't wait to meet one of my favorite assholes again down in Friendswood. Still thankful you're still amongst us.

What he said.

Ditto!   

Wouldn't miss it for the world.

Hay 
Jimmyt

[flsix]

Carl it's good to read about your experience and insight after some time has passed.

It gives an explanation about some of the symptoms a friend of mine (who has also gone through a traumatic brain injury from a motorcycle accident) is experiencing. He is still not able to put it into words as well as he'd like and now has taken to drinking to calm the demons. Surly not the action that should be taken but he's hard headed.

Praying that your overall healing process continues to go well.

Hope to see you at my first INZANE this year.

[indybobm]

Never met you, but would very much like to.

[Robert]

Enjoyed your insight and reflection, glad to hear your journey is going well. 

[Highbinder]

Other then doing some physical damage to yourself, I don't see a big difference in who you are now, from the guy I spent some quality time with years ago...other then speaking your mind rather than staying silent and just thinking about it... ..I too have this problem sometimes and my wrecks haven't been as bad as yours...

[Thunderbolt]

Carl I made it to the end of the story.  I know the kind of person you are and not sure if I told this on you and Lori or not but can't forget the night in Panama City years ago when we arrived late for the evening meal at a local restaurant and the corner was full of Valkyrie riders but no seats were vacant.  You and Lori saw what was happening and got up and went into the next room and brought tables and chairs if I recall correctly so that we could be part of the group.  We don't forget things like that.

[wiggydotcom]

I think we all have a little a-hole in us. Since butal honesty is the theme here, I enjoyed my chat with you at Inzane last year and thought you were pretty articulate then. But you really didn't look quite right to me. You didn't look like the Willow from the past.

Then I realized what it was. It was that beard. I think before the last day you shaved it off and I thought..."AHA".
Even at that early point in time, I thought, "Willow is BACK!"

Thanks for sharing your trials, tribulations, and honest thoughts, Carl.

We both have a few bionic parts in us from motorcycle crashes. I'd like to think it adds character. It's certainly a test for our loved ones as we go through the recovery process.

[old2soon]

Definitely SOME folks need a couple shots to the head!!  And NOBODY needs to tell me-I already know I'm an asshole.    Carl-for what it's worth-I noticed a LOT of improvement from Lacrosse to the M F C R.  Just remember it is what it is and try not to rush things too much.  YEAH-I know-lots easier said than done.  Carl-my prayers for you and Lori continue.  Peace my brother-see you two at Asheville.  RIDE SAFE.

[Oss]

kinda makes me respect your lovely wife all the more so

as the love of a good woman is a wonderment

Hang in there you have other assholes and ossholes rooting for you

Oss






Lori  how did I do

Do I get PIE in Texas?   

[CaribouHunter]

Thanks for taking the time to write your thoughts, that's quite a path you been on.  Hang in there and continue on.  CaribouHunter

[matt]

Carl every day is an adventure, But I believe it takes a big person to look at themselves and evaluate themselves and some times a personal eval is worse than some one else doing it. As I have said before I want to meet the man people call (Carl, Willow and friend). Willow sounds to me you are healing fine and that is very good and as far as an asshole I say NOPE not after what you did for my family. Keep pushing forward and it will come, Carl you are a person I call a friend and I believe everyone feels the same, speak how you feel and if needed hand them a bandaid if they cannot handle it    Your friend Matt

[Rams]

I'm just glad you're still here with us.   Ride safe and enjoy.   

[donaldcc]

  don't really know you except from the board.  good you are alive and still experiencing life.  

 may those experiences be mostly good and that you will learn from those that are not.  

 we can all learn from your reports.  

[Willow]

You all are way too kind.

The psychologist asked me whether I'd seen any change in my personality since the injury.  I told him not in direction but only in intensity.

When I need to burp I burp.  I do know the boundaries and I don't belch loudly in public.  Well, not very often.  I have learned or at least grown to be completely unconcerned for whether or not anyone like me.  I am what I am and if it pleases you that's okay.  If it doesn't I can live with that too.  It's honestly a much less stressfull existence.  Remember there is only one person in the world who can give you stress.

My wife doesn't like it when I say piss.  I ask her what she thiunks the P stands for.  Short discussion.  Both she and my daughter dislike words that start with P.

I'm much more touchy feely than I once was but I know most people aren't comfortable with that so I don't often indulge myself.  I say love much more than I did before.  I almost never say hate.

Hotglue's is on the calendar.  InZane is still a bit iffy.

I hope to see you all down the road, briefly or otherwise.     John, I still owe you some cables.     

[donaldcc]

  burp, fart, I don't care, all bodily functions.  BFD!



   

[Grumpy]

Wow, I can relate to what you are going through. Jan 4 i crashed hard, shattered my left wrist, compound fractures of 3 metacarpal bones in the left hand, 2 broken fingers on the left also.
Broke 2 fingers and 2  metacarpal bones on the right hand, still working on the healing on the right as some pieces of bone were missing. Broken left great toe, bad road rash on the knees. Also some how had a 1/2 in hole behind my left knee cap.  Dislocated right shoulder and torn rotater cuff. It has been 2 1/2 months since I went down, still hobbling around, Had 4 surgery's on my hands, but I will make it. Only thing I avoided was any head injury's, thank god I was wearing a full face helmet and an armored jacket.
  I can also relate to what your wife went through, when I came home could not walk with out a walker, both hands were completely enclosed in casts, did not even have any fingers exposed. So Anna basically had a 70 year old baby to take care of, I could not even feed myself, or do any normal things, bathroom etc. She had to do every thing for me for 4 weeks after the hospital released me. Made me really appreciate my wife, looks like I married a winner.
 I hope I can make to Inzane this year, and see you, don't look for a hand shake, you deserve a hug.
It is a long road to full recovery, but with the good lords help it will come. I know got a little long winded here, not normal for me.

[John Schmidt]

John, I still owe you some cables
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++
It's not an issue for me, just when it's convenient. In some ways, my outlook is similar to yours. As a result, I tend to do things when the spirit moves me....and the spirit hasn't been too active as of late(note....I didn't capitalize it for this application).  

Were you able to use the Tourer cables I sent?

[Valkahuna]

Can't wait to meet one of my favorite assholes again down in Friendswood. Still thankful you're still amongst us.

What he said.

Ditto!   

Wouldn't miss it for the world.

Hay 
Jimmyt

Double Ditto!

Carl, I've always thought a lot of you and your honesty. Glad you are healing up (in all ways). My sympathies to your lovely bride. She probably deserves a medal. Before my neck surgery, while I was under the ugly grip of Oxy Contin, I was dependent on Viv for many things, and only realized later what I had put her through. That's ten years ago now. She's still around, and I may be better, but I am still not not sugar and spice all of the time. 

If speaking your mind makes one an asshole, then you and I are both in good company! Look forward to seeing you at the GOTF. Finally gonna make this one!

Pete

[Attic Rat]

Willow I didn't know that you had and accident. I guess I have been out f touch. I hope you have a speedy recovery. If you ever get to Tulsa look me up

[LadyDraco]

Good read Carl 

[Jess Tolbirt]

asshole!!!! but you have been nice to me,,

[Skinhead]

Well, since you are now an asshole, you are qualified to be a Rogue Rider if interested.  We'll excuse you from attending the meetings due to the distance involved, but you'll still be responsible for dues payment.  You can send me a check.

[Jack]

My wife and co-workers say I am an asshole so we should get along as we have in the past.  Looking forward to seeing you again.

[Hef]

Carl, Glad you shared with us. Will continue to pray for your healing. Back in 1990 I had a bad encounter with a deer. I had several injuries but thanks to a good helmet I survived but brain was scrambled for a while (by the way I still use that as an excuse for a lot of my deficiencies). The healing process was slower than I hoped for but I endured. No one can truly know what you feel but sounds to me like you have it under control and are dealing with things in pretty good fashion.  Glad your not letting fear control you. I read something that I committed to memory and try to live by; It said "Some people are so afraid of dying that they can't enjoy life." Hang in there.