H U M O R Thread . Nothing to get riled up about. Jokes, puns, and riddles.

[Roy]

The Robber . . .


This guy missed a few Sunday School classes..


A woman had just returned to her home from an evening of church services , when she was startled by an intruder. She caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables and yelled: 'Stop! Acts 2:38!' (Repent and be Baptized, in the name of Jesus Christ , so that your sins may be forgiven.)

The burglar stopped in his tracks. The woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done.

As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar: 'Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a scripture to you.'

'Scripture?' replied the burglar 'She said she had an Ax and Two 38s!'







`

[Roy]

`













`

[Roy]

Senior Driving . . .


As a senior citizen was driving down the motorway, his cell phone rang.. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, " Vernon , I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on I-25. Please be careful!"

"Oh my, said Vernon , "It's not just one car.. It's hundreds of them!"






`

[Roy]

Getting old...


An older couple went to the doctor for his yearly check up. The doctor said, "I need a blood sample, a urine sample and a stool sample."
 The old man looked at his wife and said "What did he say?"
 She said "He needs your under pants ."

[Roy]

gOOgle . . .

















`

[bigguy]

Channeling Jeff Foxworthy In A Country Founded By Geniuses And Run By Idiots

If you can get arrested for hunting or fishing without a license, but not for being in the country illegally … you might live in a country founded by geniuses and run by idiots.

If you have to get your parents’ permission to go on a field trip or take an aspirin in school, but not to get an abortion … you might live in a country founded by geniuses and run by idiots.

If the only school curriculum allowed to explain how we got here is evolution, but your government stops a $15 million construction project to keep a rare spider from evolving to extinction … you might live in a country founded by geniuses and run by idiots.

If you have to show identification to board an airplane, cash a check, buy liquor, or check out a library book, but not to vote for who runs your government … you might live in a country founded by geniuses and run by idiots.

If your government believes that using steroids or other drugs will ruin your life, but throwing you in prison for years will not … you might live in a country founded by geniuses and run by idiots.

If your government wants to ban stable, law-abiding citizens from owning gun magazines with more than ten rounds, but gives 20 F-16 fighter jets to the crazy new leaders in Egypt … you might live in a country founded by geniuses and run by idiots.

If, in the largest city, you can buy two 16-ounce sodas, but not a 24-ounce soda because 24-ounces of a sugary drink might make you fat … you might live in a country founded by geniuses and run by idiots.

If an 80-year-old woman can be strip-searched by the TSA but a woman in a hijab is only subject to having her neck and head searched … you might live in a country founded by geniuses and run by idiots.

If your government believes that the best way to eradicate trillions of dollars of debt is to spend trillions more … you might live in a country founded by geniuses and run by idiots.

If a seven year old boy can be thrown out of school for saying his teacher “cute,” but hosting a sexual exploration or diversity class in grade school is perfectly acceptable … you might live in a country founded by geniuses and run by idiots.

If children are forcibly removed from parents who discipline them with spankings while children of addicts are left in filth and drug infested “homes”… you might live in a country founded by geniuses and run by idiots.

If hard work and success are met with higher taxes and more government intrusion, while not working is rewarded with EBT cards, WIC checks, Medicaid, subsidized housing, and free cell phones … you might live in a country founded by geniuses and run by idiots.

If your government’s plan for getting people back to work is to incentivize NOT working with 99 weeks of Unemployment checks and no requirement to prove they applied but can’t find work … you might live in a country founded by geniuses and run by idiots.

If you pay your mortgage faithfully, denying yourself the newest big screen TV while your neighbor buys iPhones, TVs and new cars, and your government forgives his debt when he defaults on his mortgage … you might live in a country founded by geniuses and run by idiots.

If your government believes that the way to make a school of unarmed children safe is to pass another law, this time with the illusion that three 10-round magazines in a rifle is safer than a 30-round magazine … you might live in a country founded by geniuses and run by idiots.

[Roy]

 

[Roy]

Biker goes to heaven..



A biker dies and goes to heaven, he's the 3rd person in line, and noticed that the other 2 are also bikers, St. Peter is talking to the first person in line. " Mr. Mooney, i see here that you had a good life, but it also says you cheated on your wife with 10 women. So you will get to spend eternity riding around on this Honda street bike, instead of the Harley you had in life. Welcome to Heaven." The first biker says yes he did, and he is very sorry for having done that, accepts his motorcycle and rides off. St. Peter then turns to the 2nd person in line and says, "Mr. Dewitt, i see here that you had a good life, but it also says you cheated on your wife with 40 women. So you will get to spend eternity riding around on this Yamaha dirt bike, instead of the Harley you had in life. Welcome to Heaven."

At this point the 3rd biker starts to think, well i never cheated on my wife, but i haven't always lived the best life, i might not get anything good here. St. Peter turns to him and says, " Mr. Howard, i see here that you had a good life, it says you never cheated on your wife, and always at least tried to do the right thing, even when you failed. So you will get to spend eternity riding around on this Harley fatboy, the exact bike of your dreams. Welcome to Heaven."

 His eyes start to tear up, it is exactly what he always wanted, but could never get in life. He is about to say thank you, when he looks around, suddenly gets a angry expression on his face, St. Peter ask's, " are you not happy this is what you have always wanted?" he says, "oh it isn't this, this is perfect couldn't be any better" Peter says, then what is wrong, the biker points off to the right and says, " that's my wife over there on that moped"







`

[Roy]

`












`

[Roy]

Pros and Cons...



Was watching tv the other day and heard this and had to share.
 If the opposite of Pro is Con.
 Then wouldn't the opposite of Progress be Congress!      . Lol

[Roy]

Queen has had to cut back her personal security force...




*

[Roy]

North Korean Navy Departs to attack Hawaii

















`

[Roy]

Some cops just have a big head?





*





*









`

[Roy]

The Vibrator . . .



As a woman passed her daughter's closed bedroom
door, she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from
within. Opening the door, she observed her daughter
with a vibrator.

Shocked, she asked: 'what in the world are you
doing?'

The daughter replied: 'mom, I'm thirty-five years
old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as
I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and
leave me alone.'

The next day, the girl's father heard the same buzz
coming from the other side of the closed bedroom
door. Upon entering the room, he observed his
daughter making passionate love to her vibrator.

To his query as to what she was doing, the daughter
said: 'dad I'm thirty-five, unmarried, and this
thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a
husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.'

A couple days later, the wife came home from a
shopping trip, placed the groceries on the kitchen
counter, and heard that buzzing noise coming from,
of all places, the living room. She entered that
area and observed her husband sitting on the couch,
downing a cold beer, and staring at the TV.

The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing
like crazy.

The wife asked: 'What the f@!* are you doing?'

The husband replied: 'I'm watching football with my
son-in-law.'




`

[Roy]

`
Things aren't always what they seem...




He was in ecstasy, with a huge smile on his face, as his wife moved forwards, then backwards, forward, then backwards again ....... back and forth ..... back and forth ..... in and out ..... in and out.

 She could feel the sweat on her forehead, and trickling down the small of her back, she was getting near to the end.

 Her heart was pounding ... her face was flushed ... then she moaned, softly at first, then began to groan louder.

 Finally, totally exhausted, she let out an almighty scream and shouted,

 "OK, Ok, ok ! I can't park the damn car! You do it, you SMUG jerk!









`

[Roy]

`

[Roy]

`












`

[Roy]

Nuts anyone?



What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?

 >>Beer nuts are a $1.25

 but deer nuts are always under a buck.






`

[Roy]

Seven progressions of sex ...



Research shows that there are 7 kinds of sex.

The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex. * This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone, and you both have sex until you are blue in the face.

The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex.. * This is when you have been with your partner for a short time, and you are still so needy you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.

The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex.  This is when you have been with your partner for a long time, your sex has gotten routine, and you usually have sex only in your bedroom.

The 4th kind of sex is called: Hallway Sex * This is when you have been with your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the hallway you both say 'Screw you.'

The 5th kind of sex is called: Religious Sex. * This means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon, and Nun at night. (Very Popular)

The 6th kind is called Courtroom Sex. * This is when you cannot stand your wife/husband any more.  She/He takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone.

And; Last, but not least, The 7th kind of sex is called: Social Security Sex.  You get a little each month, but not enough to really enjoy yourself.







`

[Roy]

Sorry guys and gals can seem to find any jokes today..

[Roy]

A Jamaican wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he passes a little math test.

"Here is your first question", the foreman said. "Without using numbers, represent the number 9."

"Without numbers?" the Jamaican says, "Dat is easy." And proceeds to draw three trees.

"What's this?" the boss asks

"Ave you got no brain? Tree and tree and tree make nine," says the Jamaican.

"Fair enough," says the boss. "Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99."

The Jamaican stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. "Ere you go."

The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?"

"Each of da trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree. Dat is 99."

The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire this Jamaican, so he says, "All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100."

The Jamaican stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Ere you go. One hundred."

The boss looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!"

The Jamaican leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and says, "A little dog come along and crap by each tree. So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, which makes one hundred."

"So, when I start?"

[Roy]

Sometimes earplugs work best...

Don't tell a woman who's mad to calm down. It's like baptizing a cat. It ain't gonna work ! !


One of the best lines I heard was that telling a woman to "relax" was than calling her a certain derogatory term for female genitalia (hint: it begins with the third letter of the alphabet and rhymes with the job a kicker does in football).




`

[Roy]

I would like to share an experience about drinking and driving.



 As you well know, some of us have been lucky not to have had brushes with the authorities on our way home from the various social sessions over the years.

 A couple of nights ago, I was out for a few drinks with some friends and had a few too many beers and then topped it off with a margarita. Not a good idea.

 Knowing full well I was at least slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done before: I took a taxi home.

 Sure enough I passed a police road block but because it was a taxi, they waved it past.

 I arrived home safely without incident, which was a real surprise.






 I have never driven a taxi before, and am not sure where I got it.

[Roy]

Claude, the Hypnotist . . .



Claude explained that he was going to put the whole audience into a trance. "Yes, each and every one of you and all at the same time." said Claude.

 The excited chatter dropped to silence as Claude carefully withdrew from his waistcoat a beautiful antique gold watch and chain.

 "I want you to keep your eyes on this watch" said Claude, holding the watch high for all to see. "It is a very special and valuable watch that has been in my family for six generations"

 He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch --- Watch the watch ----Watch the watch"

 The audience became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth....the lights twinkling as they were reflected from it's gleaming surfaces.
 A hundred and fifty pairs of eyes followed the movements of the gently swaying watch.
 And then, suddenly, the chain broke!!!
 The beautiful watch fell to the stage and burst apart on impact.

 "CRAP" said Claude.

 It took them three days to clean the Senior Citizens' Center and Claude was never invited to entertain there again.








`

[donaldcc]

  thanks Roy.  don't always read them, but i go back to see the old ones when i do. 

[Roy]

What do you want to be when you grow up?  . . .



Teacher asks the kids in class, "What do you want to be when you grow up?"

Billy says, "I wanna be a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, get
me the finest b1tch, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an
apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel through Europe,
an Infinite Visa Card, and bang her three times a day."

The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with the horrible response
of Billy,  decides not to give importance to what he said and then
continues the lesson.

"And you, Nancy?"


"I wanna be Billy's chick.






`





`

[Roy]

The real "War Horse"  on the German side.




*





*

[Jess from VA]

The real "War Horse"  on the German side.




*





*

I guess the guy he's shooting at only has a rock, because boy he makes a nice target standing up on that horse.  LOL

[Roy]

Can't imagine how he got up their with his rifle, unless is partner handed it to him.

[Roy]

`












`

[Roy]

Look who came to dinner . .



Two cannibals, a father and son, were told to go out
 and get something to eat. They walked deep into the jungle and waited
 by a path.
 
 Before long, along came this little old man. The son said, "Dad,
 there's one."
 "No," said the father. "There's not enough meat on that one....Your Mother will complain! We'll just wait."
 
 Well, a little while later, along came this really fat man. The son
 said, "Hey dad, he's plenty big enough."
 "No," the father said. "Your Mother wants us on a low fat diet. We'll just wait."
 
 About an hour later, here comes this absolutely gorgeous woman. The
 son said, "Now there's nothing wrong with that one dad. Let's eat her."
 "No," said the father. "We'll not eat her either."
 "Why not?" asked the son.
 "Because, we're going to take her back alive and eat your Mother."





`

[Roy]

Someone explain these . . .



>If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

 >Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

 >Can you be a closet claustrophobic?

 >If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their lights off?

 >If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?

 >When it rains, why don't sheep shrink?

 >If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell her she has the right to remain silent?

 >Why is the word abbreviation so long?

 >If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?

 >Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?

 >What do you do when you discover an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?

  >Is it possible to be totally partial?

 >What's another word for thesaurus?

   >Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?

 >Why is there an expiration date on my sour cream?
 >Why do kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

 >How do you know when it's time to tune your bagpipes?

 >Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

 >When you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn?

  >Why do they call it a TV set when you only get one?

 >Do radioactive cats have 18 half-lives?

 >If you shoot a mime, should you use a silencer?

 >What was the best thing before sliced bread?

 >How can they tell that twin lobsters are really twins?

 >How does a thermos know when to keep something hot, hot...and something cold, cold?

 >>What is the speed of dark?

 >Why are there Braille signs on drive-up ATM's?

 >How come you never hear about gruntled employees?

 >What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?

 >After eating, do amphibians have to wait one hour before getting out of the water?
 >If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?
 >What's another word for synonym?

 >If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

 >When sign makers go on strike, what is written on their picket signs?

 >Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?

 >Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

 >Why are builders afraid to have a 13th floor but book publishers aren't afraid to have a Chapter 11?

 
  >Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?






`

[Roy]

Southern California man put under 72 hour long observation . . . for owning guns!



You may have heard on the news about a southern California man put under 72-hour psychiatric observation when it was found he owned 100 guns and allegedly had (by rough estimate) 100,000 rounds of ammunition stored in his home. The house also featured a secret escape tunnel.


 My favorite quote from the dimwit television reporter: "Wow! He has about a quarter million machine gun bullets." The headline referred to it as a "massive weapons cache!"


 By southern California standards someone owning 100,000 rounds would be called "mentally unstable." Just imagine if he lived elsewhere:


 In Arizona, he'd be called "an avid gun collector."


 In Texas, he'd be called "a novice gun collector."


 In Utah, he'd be called "moderately well prepared," but they'd probably reserve judgment until they made sure that he had a corresponding quantity of stored food.


 In Montana, he'd be called "The neighborhood 'Go-To' guy."


 In Idaho, he'd be called "a likely gubernatorial candidate."


 In Wyoming, he'd be called "an eligible bachelor."


 And, in Louisiana, he would be called "a deer hunting buddy."




`

[Roy]

Through the Pearly Gates . . .


A priest dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.

 Saint Peter addresses this cool guy, 'Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven ? '

 The guy replies, 'I'm Jack, retired airline pilot from Houston .'

 Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the pilot, 'Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom.' The pilot goes into Heaven with his robe and staff.

 Next, it's the priest's turn. He stands erect and booms out, 'I am Father Bob, pastor of Saint Mary's for the last 43 years.'

 Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the priest, 'Take this cottonrobe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom.

 'Just a minute,' says the good father. 'That man was a pilot and he gets a silken robe and golden staff and I get only cotton and wood. How can this be?




 'Up here - we go by results,' says Saint Peter. 'When you preached - people slept. When he flew, people prayed.'






`

[Roy]

`












`

[Roy]

Russian's Dogology catching up with the American Trained Belgium Shepards.


Russian Ninja Dog Training Blindfolded...

[Roy]

Just one of the boys . . .


A guy walks into a bar in West Virginia and orders a white wine. All the hillbillies sitting around the bar look up from their beer and whiskey, expecting to see some pitiful Yankee from the north.

The bartender says, "You ain't from around here, are ya?" The guy says, "No, I'm from Canada." The bartender says, "What do you do in Canada?" The guy says, "I'm a taxidermist." The bartender says, "A taxidermist? What in the hell is a taxidermist? Do you drive a taxi?" "No," says the Canadian "I don't drive a taxi, I mount animals."

The bartender grins and hollers, "It's okay boys. He's one of us."







`

[Roy]

`










`

[Roy]

ANOTHER FAMOUS AMERICAN ACTOR CONVERTS TO ISLAM . . .




It was announced today that Buckwheat, of Our Gang (1930s) fame, has converted to the Muslim faith and changed his name to:

Kareem of Wheat...








`

[Roy]

Test for sneaky teenagers...


Four high school boys afflicted with spring fever skipped morning classes. After lunch they reported to the teacher that they had a flat tire.

Much to their relief she smiled and said, "Well, you missed a test today so take seats apart from one another and take out a piece of paper."

Still smiling, she waited for them to sit down. Then she said: "First Question: Which tire was flat?"







`