H U M O R Thread . Nothing to get riled up about. Jokes, puns, and riddles.

[Roy]

New jobs...


A mine owner advertised for new workers and three guys turned up - an Irishman, an Italian, and a Japanese.

The owner tells the Irishman, "You'll be in charge of the mining." He tells the Italian, "You'll be in charge of the lift." He tells the Japanese, "You'll be in charge of making sure we have supplies."

The next day the three men went in to the mine, and at the end of the day one man was missing: the Japanese. They searched for him for hours. Just as they were about to give up, he jumped from behind a rock yelling, "Supplies! Supplies!"





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[Roy]

Anyone want to take a guess when this Cycle Car was made?




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[RDAbull]

1913

[signart]

1907

[Jess from VA]

http://theoldmotor.com/?tag=ritz-cyclecar-company

http://www.choppertownnation.com/photo/jap-powered-cyclecar

http://www.jalopyjournal.com/forum/showthread.php?p=7682691

Cool pix.
http://www.flickriver.com/groups/cyclecar/pool/interesting/

[Roy]

1 9 1 4

 
1914 is the correct answer.

[Roy]

Pilots...



Two men dressed in Pilots' uniforms walk up the aisle of the plane. Both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a guide dog, and the other is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane.

Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes, and the
engines start up. The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is
just a little practical joke.

None is forthcoming.

The plane moves faster and faster down the runway and the people sitting in the window seats realize they're
heading straight for the water at the edge of the airport. As it begins to look as though the plane will plough into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin.

Just at that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers relax and laugh a little
sheepishly, and soon all retreat into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands. . . . .

In the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turns to the other and says,................

"You know, Bob, one of these days, they're gonna scream too late and
we're all gonna die"






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[Roy]

Cajun Bride...


Clotile had just married and being a traditional Cajun Catholic, she was still a virgin. On her wedding night , staying at her mama ' s house, she was very nervous. Her mama reassure her;" Don' worry, Clotile, Boudreaux' s a good man. Go upstairs and he ' ll take care of you. Meanwhile, I ' ll be making duh roux." So, up she went. When she got upstairs, Boudreaux took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest.Clotile ran downstairs to her mother and says, "Mama, Mama, Boudreaux' s got duh big hairy chess." "Don ' t worry, Clotile," says duh mama,"all good mens have duh hairy chess. Go upstairs cher. He'll take good care of you.."

So, up she went again. When she got up in the bedroom,Boudreaux took off his pants, exposing his hairy legs. Again, ran Clotile downstairs to her mother. "Mama, Mama, Boudreaux took off his pants and he' s got duh hairy leg!" "Don ' t worry! All good mens have duh hairy leg. Boudreaux' s a good man. Go upstairs and he ' ll take good care of you." So, up she went .

When she got dare, Boudreaux took off his socks and on his lef foot he was missing tree toes. When Clotile saw dis, she ran downstairs. "Mama, Mama, Boudreaux' s got a foot and a half!" Her Mama said, "Stay here and stir the roux!"


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[bigguy]

Those commercials always creep me out. Wonder how many of those kids wind up "sleeping with the fishes."

[Roy]

Creepy alright!

[Roy]

Golf Cart Disaster...


One day I accidentally overturned my golf cart.


 Elizabeth, a very attractive and keen golfer, who lived in a villa on the golf course we were living at in Sarasota, heard the noise and called out,

 "Are you okay, what's your name?"


 "It's Jack , and I'm OK thanks," I replied.

 "Jack , forget your troubles. Come to my villa, rest a while, and I'll help you get the cart up later."

 "That's mighty nice of you," I answered,"but I don't think my wife would like it."

 "Oh, come on," Elizabeth insisted.

 She was very pretty and persuasive.

 "Well okay," I finally agreed, and added, "but my wife won't like it."

 After a restorative brandy, and some driving and putting lessons, I thanked my host.

 "I feel a lot better now, but I know my wife is going to be really upset."

 "Don't be silly!" Elizabeth said with a smile, "She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"

 "Under the cart!" I said....





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[Roy]

French Commercial...

Emma, Le Trefle	powered by Aeva

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[Roy]

Don't mess with a lady with tight britches..

NEVER MESS WITH THIS GIRLS PURSE	powered by Aeva

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[cookiedough]

Don't mess with a lady with tight britches..





NEVER MESS WITH THIS GIRLS PURSE

There is another video this lady does shooting a 12 gauge slug from 150 yard open sights and she hits 3 of 5, pretty impressed.   

I say don't mess with a lady who starts with the words, 'hey y'all'.   








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[czuch]

The other day I was getting gas. In the opposing lane a pretty girl pulled up in a Corvette. She got out and was just stunning. Long auburn hair and emerald green eyes. Fantastic build and legs up to there, barely hidden by a tastefuly short skirt. She looked into my car and noticed I was on my way home from the gun store and I had some ammo in the back seat.
Sha asked, "Do you have gun"?
I replied, "Well, yes I do".
She asked, " Have you ever thought about barter".
I said," I like barter, if you dont think its a fair trade, you dont trade".
Her, " Have you ever thought of bartering ammo for sex"?
After a second I said,  "I dunno, what kind of ammo do you have".

[grandpaweaver]

Cletus & Billy Bob

Cletus is passing by Billy Bob 's hay barn one day when, through a gap in the door, he sees Billy Bob doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old John Deere tractor.

Buttocks clenched, he performs a slow pirouette, and gently slides off first the right strap of his overalls, followed by the left. He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move, lets his overalls fall down to his hips, revealing a torn and frayed plaid shirt.

Then, grabbing both sides of his shirt, he rips it apart to reveal his stained T-shirt underneath. With a final flourish, he tears the T-shirt from his body, and hurls his baseball cap onto a pile of hay.

Having seen enough, Cletus rushes in and says, "What the world're ya doing, Billy Bob ?"

"Good grief, Cletus, ya scared the bejeebers out of me," says an obviously embarrassed Billy Bob ..

"But me 'n the wife been havin’ trouble lately in the bedroom d'partment, and the therapist suggested I do something sexy to a tractor."

[Roy]

Irish Pickup line...





An Irishman was standing at a bar and a beautiful woman was beside him, so he leans over and says:

"You remind me of my little toe."

She replies, "What? You mean I'm small and cute?"

He says:

"No. I'll probably bang you on the coffee table later when I'm drunk."




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[Roy]

Airport Security...





TEL AVIV, Israel — The Israelis are developing an airport security  device that eliminates the privacy concerns that come with  full-body scanners. It's an armored booth you step into that  will not X-ray you, but will etonate any explosive device you  may have on your person.

Israel sees this as a win-win situation for everyone, with none of this crap about racial profiling. It will also eliminate the costs of long and expensive trials.

You're in the airport terminal and you hear a  muffled explosion.
Shortly thereafter, an announcement:

“Attention to all standby passengers, El Al is pleased to announce a seat available on flight 670 to London . Shalom!”




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[Roy]

Is LESS really MORE?



WELCOME TO THE 21ST CENTURY!
*Our Phones ~ Wireless
*Cooking ~ Fireless
*Cars ~ Keyless
*Food ~ Fatless
*Tires ~ Tubeless
*Dress ~ Sleeveless
*Youth ~ Jobless
*Leaders ~ Shameless
*Relationships ~ Meaningless
*Attitude ~ Careless
*Wives ~ Fearless
*Babies ~ Fatherless
*Feelings ~ Heartless
*Education ~ Valueless
*Children ~ Mannerless
Everything is becoming LESS

but still our hopes are ~ Endless.

In fact we are ~ Speechless
And Congress is CLUELESS ..







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[Roy]

Thief in Paris...


A thief in Paris planned to steal some Paintings from the Louvre.

After careful planning, he got past security, stole the paintings, and made it safely to his van.

However, he was captured only two blocks away when his van ran out of gas.

When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied, 'Monsieur, that is the reason I stole the paintings.'


I had no Monet


To buy Degas


To make the Van Gogh


I had De Gaulle to post this on BJF as I had nothing Toulouse.






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[Roy]

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[Roy]

Vladamir Putin the multi Billionare...


It seems that Vladimir Putin is divorcing, apparently due to a fling with a younger woman.

He's in trouble for Putin it where he shouldn't be Putin it...




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[Jess from VA]

She may have been worth it.   

[Roy]

That looks like more than the splits!


_______________________________________________________________
Chicken gun...


Scientists at NASA built a gun specifically to launch
Standard 4 pound dead chickens at the windshields of
Airliners, military jets and the space shuttle, all traveling
At maximum velocity. The idea is to simulate the frequent
Incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength
Of the windshields.

British engineers heard about the gun and were eager
To test it on the windshields of their new high speed trains.
Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to the British
Engineers.
When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as
The chicken hurled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof
Shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control
Console, snapped the engineer's back-rest in two, and
Embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin, like an arrow
Shot from a bow.

The horrified Brits sent NASA the disastrous results
Of the experiment, along with the designs of the
Windshield and begged the U.S. . Scientists for suggestions.


NASA responded with a one-line memo --





"Defrost the chicken."






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[Roy]

Gotta love Biology for two pointed reasons..


Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam. The last question was, "Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk." The question was worth 70 points or none at all. One student, in particular, was hard put to think of seven advantages. However, he wrote:

1) It is perfect formula for the child.
2) It provides immunity against several diseases.
3) It is always the right temperature.
4) It is inexpensive.
5) It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa.
6) It is always available as needed.

And then the student was stuck. Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang indicating the end of the test, he wrote:

7) It comes in two attractive containers and it's high enough off the ground where the cat can't get it.

He got an A







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[Roy]

Grandma's Prediciment...


The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair, where the activities for her 100th birthday were taking place. Grandma couldn't speak very well, but she could write notes when she needed to communicate.
 
 After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the right, so some family members grabbed her straightened her up, and stuffed pillows on her right. A short time later, she started leaning off to her left, so again the family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left.

 Soon she started leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed her, then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up. A grandson, who arrived late, came up to Grandma and said, "Hi, Grandma, you're looking good! How are they treating you?" Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to the grandson... "They won't let me fart."






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[Roy]

Friends...


Friendship among Women:

A woman didn't come home one night. The next morning she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it.


Friendship among Men:

A man didn't come home one night. The next morning he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight confirmed that he had slept over, and two said he was still there.





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[Roy]

Yep Jess Vladamir does know how to pickem!



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[Jess from VA]

Just imagine the trouble you get into.    (and just another reason being a billionaire comes in handy)

It a appears she could fold up into a carry-on as well as.... other things.   

[Roy]

Who needs a Dentist anyway?
















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[MacDragon]

 [/URL]

[Roy]

Work relocation...





Bob was sitting on the plane when a guy took the seat beside him.

The guy was an emotional wreck, pale, hands shaking, moaning in fear.

"What's the matter?" Bob asked.

"I've been transferred to Chicago, there are crazy people there. They've got lots of shootings, gangs, race riots, drugs, poor public schools, and the highest crime rate in the nation."

Bob replied, "I've lived in Chicago all my life. It's not as bad as the media says. Find a nice home, go to work, mind your own business, and enroll your kids in a nice private school. It's as safe a place as anywhere in the world."

The guy relaxed and stopped shaking and said, "Oh, thank you. I've been worried to death. But if you live there and say it's OK, I'll take your word for it. What do you do for a living?"

"I'm a tail gunner on a Budweiser truck."





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[Roy]

Medicare Part  ' G ' . . . . . .  joke




You're a sick senior citizen and the government says there is no nursing home available for you. So what do you do?



 Our plan gives anyone 65 years, or older, a gun (G) and 4 bullets. You are allowed to shoot four Politicians.



 Of course, this means you'll be sent to prison, where you will receive three meals a day, a roof over your head, central heating and air conditioning and all the health care you need.



 Need new teeth? No problem. Need glasses? That's great. Need a new hip, knees, kidney, lungs or heart? They're all covered.



 As an added bonus, your kids can come and visit you at least as often as they do now.



 And who will be paying for all of this?



 The same government that just told you they can't afford for you to go into a home.





 And, you can get rid of 4 useless politicians while you're at it.





 Plus, because you are a prisoner, you don't have to pay any income taxes anymore.





 Is this a great country or what?



 MEDICARE PART G








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[Jess from VA]

Boy, that one is going out on the airways.   

[Roy]

U. S. Military Frees Taliban Sex Slaves . . .





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[Roy]

Blondes,  They're Grrrreat!



A blonde called her boyfriend and said, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure it out or how to get it started."

 The blonde said, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."

Her boyfriend decided to go over and help with the puzzle. She let him in and showed him where she had the puzzle spread all over the table. He studied the pieces for a moment, looked at the box, then turned to her and said, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger."

He took her hand and said, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of hot chocolate and then.......," he sighed, ..... "Let's put all of these frosted flakes back into the box."





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[Roy]

Sex  at  79


I just took a leaflet out of my mailbox, informing

me that I can have sex at 79. I'm so

happy, because I live at number 71. So it's

not too far to walk home afterwards.

And it's the same side of the street.

I don't even have to cross the road!





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[bigguy]

New energy source found.

[bigguy]

[Roy]

Bike...


A Priest was about to finish his tour of duty, and was leaving his Mission in the jungle where he has spent years teaching the natives when he realizes that the one thing he never taught them was how to speak English.

 So he takes the chief for a walk in the forest. He points to a tree and says to the chief, "This is a tree."

 The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree."

 The Priest is pleased with the response. They walk a little further and he points to a rock and says, "This is a rock."

 Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, "Rock."

 The Priest was really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes. As they peek over the top, he sees a couple of natives in the midst of heavy sexual activity.

 The Priest is really flustered and quickly responds, "Man riding a bike."

 The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blowgun and kills them both.

 The Priest goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and be kind to each other, so how could he kill these people in cold blood that way?

 The chief replied,

 "My bike."






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