H U M O R Thread . Nothing to get riled up about. Jokes, puns, and riddles.

[Roy]

What to ask children while waiting for grannies pie on Turkey Day...





Q: Why can't you take a turkey to Church?
 A: They use fowl language.
 
Q: What kind of music did the Pilgrims like?
 A: Plymouth rock
 
Q: Why did they let the turkey join the band?
 A: He has the drumsticks.
 
Q: What side of the turkey has the most feathers?
 A: The outside.
 
Q: Can a turkey jump higher than the empire state building?
 A: Yes, a building can't jump at all.
 
Q: If April showers bring may flowers, what do may flowers bring?
 A: Pilgrims.
 
Q: If the Pilgrims were alive today, what would they be most famous for?
 A: Their age.

[Roy]

Things not to say on Turkey Day...


1."Whew, that's one terrific spread!"

 2."I'm in the mood for a little dark meat."

 3."Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist."

 4."Talk about a huge breast!"

 5."It's Cool Whip time!"

 6."If I don't undo my pants, I'll burst!"

 7."Are you ready for seconds yet?"

 8."Are you going to come again next time?"

 9."It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?"

 10."Just wait your turn, you'll get some!"

 11."Don't play with your meat."


 12."Just spread the legs open & stuff it in."

 13."Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?"

 14."I didn't expect everyone to come at once!"

 15."You still have a little bit on your chin."

 16."Use a nice smooth stroke when you whip it."

 17."How long will it take after you stick it in?"

 18."You'll know it's ready when it pops up."


 19."Wow, I didn't think I could handle all of that!"


 20."How many are coming?"


 21."That's the biggest one I've ever seen!"


 22."Just lay back & take it easy...I'll do the rest."
 

[Roy]

HOW MANY COOKS DOES IT TAKE TO STUFF A TURKEY?





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One, but you really have to squeeze him in!


---

[Roy]

Blonde and a Brunette.....


A blonde and a brunette are both in an elevator.
 
On the third floor a man gets on who's perfect: Italian suit, handsome, great build with a nice butt, but unfortunately they both notice he has a bad case of dandruff. The man gets off on the 5th floor.

 Once the doors close, the brunette turns to the blonde and says, "Someone should give him Head & Shoulders."

 To which the blonde replies, "How do you give Shoulders?"

[Roy]

Shovels, Asses, and Camels. . .   A brief history.



Over 5,000 years ago, Moses said to the children of Israel , "Pick up your shovels, mount your asses and camels, and I will lead you to the Promised Land."

Nearly 75 years ago, (when Welfare was introduced) Roosevelt said, "Lay down your shovels, sit on your asses, and light up a Camel, this is the Promised Land."

Today, Congress has stolen your shovel, taxed your asses, raised the price of Camels and mortgaged the Promised Land!

I was so depressed last night thinking about Health Care Plans, the economy, the wars, lost jobs, savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc . .. . I called a Suicide Hotline.

I had to press 1 for English.
 


I was connected to a call center in Pakistan . I told them I was suicidal.



The person in the land of Gihad got excited and asked if I knew how to drive a truck.

[Roy]

. . .  MASSAGE . . .



After nearly 50 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the wife felt her husband, begin to massage her in ways he hadn't in quite some time.

It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back. He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down, stopping just over her stomach.

He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, working down her side, passing gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf.

Then, he proceeded up her thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent.

As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, 'Honey, that was wonderful. Why did you stop?'


 

To which he responded: 'I found the remote.'

[Roy]

Splinters in Her Crotch...


A woman from Los Angeles who was a tree hugger, and an anti-hunter, purchased a piece of timberland near Colville , WA .

There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted a good view of the natural splendor of her land so she started to climb the big tree. As she neared the top she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her. In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her crotch.

In considerable pain, she hurried to a local ER to see a doctor. She told him she was an environmentalist, and an anti-hunter and how she came to get all the splinters. The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go wait in the examining room and he would see if he could help her.

She sat and waited three hours before the doctor reappeared. The angry woman demanded, "What took you so long?" He smiled and then told her, "Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a "recreational area" so close to a waste treatment facility.

I'm sorry, but due tothe new Health Law they turned me down."

 

[Roy]

Female Marine Instructor . . . . .

BAM


Entering a classroom at MCAS (Marine Corps Air Station,) Yuma, a female Marine Captain encountered a clearly apathetic audience.  She was selected to provide a full hour's instruction on Iraqi electronic warfare capabilities to 150 Marine aviators who showed by their body language deep skepticism about her ability to teach war fighting skills to an all-male class.

She began by noting that her voice had just been tested to see if it was suitable for some new cockpit recorder messages for Marine aircraft.  She said that unfortunately she had not been selected to be the new "Bitching Betty."  However, she said it was only fair to warn the audience the reason given for her non-selection was that an analysis of her voice pattern revealed that her particular voice had a tendency to lull to sleep any male homosexual within earshot.

The assembled officers shot upright in their chairs.  150 pairs of eyes were wide open and locked on her and stayed that way for the rest of the period.
                 Now don't you just love these female Jar Head Marines?

[Roy]

Management lesson.....



A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.
The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor.

Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.' After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob,  after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.

When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'  'It was Bob the next door neighbor she replies.

Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?' 


 
Moral of the story:

If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

[Don07tncav]

One day he has finally saved up enough money so he goes down to the dealer looking for a Valkyrie.

After he picks out the perfect bike, the dealer tells him about an old biker trick that will keep the chrome on his new bike free from rust. The dealer tells him that all he has to do is to keep a jar of Vaseline handy and put it on the chrome before it rains, and everything will be fine. He happily pays for the bike and leaves.

A few months later, the young man meets a woman and falls in love. She asks him to come home and meet her parents over dinner. He readily accepts and the date is set. At the appointed time, he picks her up on his Valk and they ride to her parents house. Before they go in, she tells him that they have a family tradition that whoever speaks first after dinner must do the dishes.

After a delicious dinner everyone sits in silence waiting for the first person to break the silence and get stuck doing the dishes. After a long fifteen minutes, the young man decides to speed things up, so he reaches over and kisses his woman in front of her family. No one says a word.

Emboldened, he slips his hand under her blouse and fondles her breasts. Still no one says a word. Finally, he throws her on the table and has sex with her in front of everyone. No one says a word.

Now he is getting desperate, so he grabs her mother and throws HER on the table. They have even wilder sex. Still no one speaks.

By now he is thinking what to do next when he hears thunder in the distance. His first thought is to protect the chrome on his Valk, so he gets his jacket, reaches in his pocket and pulls out his jar of Vaseline. And the father says "Okay dammit, I'll do the dishes!"

[Roy]

Never, Never Leave Your Nuts Alone. . .



A doctor at an insane asylum Decided to take his patients to a baseball game.

For weeks in advance, He coached his patients to respond to his commands.

When the day of the game arrived, everything went quite well.

As the National Anthem started, the doctor yelled, "Up Nuts", and the patients complied by standing up.

After the anthem, He yelled, "Down Nuts", and they all sat back down in their seats.

After a home run was hit, the doctor yelled, "Cheer Nuts". They all broke out into applause and cheered.

When the umpire made a particularly bad call against the star of the home team, The Doctor yelled, "Booooo Nuts" And they all started booing and cat calling.

Comfortable with their response, the doctor decided to go get a beer and a hot dog, leaving his assistant in charge.

When he returned, there was a riot in progress.

Finding his tizzied assistant, the doctor asked, "What in the world happened?"

The assistant replied, “Well everything was going just fine until this guy walked by and yelled,




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"PEANUTS" ! ! !

[Roy]

Doctors Visit . . .



A hot woman visits a doctor, He is bowled over by how stunningly beautiful she is. All his professionallism goes right out the window...
 
He tells her to take her dress off, she does, and he starts rubbing her thighs.
 
"Do you know what I am doing?" asks the doc ...
"Yes, checking for abnormalities." she replies.
 
He tells her to take off her shirt and bra, she takes them off. The doc begins rubbing her breasts and asks, "Do you know what I am doing now?", she replies, "Yes, checking for cancer."
 
Finally, he tells her to take off her panties, lays her on the table, gets on top of her and starts going at it. He says to her, "Do you know what I am doing now?"
 
She replies, "Yes, getting herpies - thats why I am here!"

[bigguy]

Here kitty kitty

[Roy]

Andy Rooney on sex

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

1. When I was born, I was given a choice - a big pecker or a good memory.... I don't remember what I chose.

 2. Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.
 
3. A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she objects.
 
4. Impotence: nature's way of saying, "No hard feelings..."
 
5. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men - 'don't' and 'stop', unless they are used together.
 
6. Panties: not the best thing on earth, but next to the best thing on earth.

 7. There are three stages in a man's life: Tri-Weekly, Try Weekly and Try Weakly.
8. Virginity can be cured.

 9. Virginity is not dignity, it's lack of opportunity.

 10. Having sex is like playing bridge - if you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand.
 
11. I tried phone sex once, but the holes in the dial were too small.

 12. Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.
 
13. Question: What's an Australian kiss? Answer: The same thing as a French kiss, only down under.

 14. A couple just married were happy with the whole thing. He was happy with the Hole and she was happy with the Thing.

 
15. Question: What are the three biggest tragedies in a man's life? Answer: Life sucks, job sucks and the wife doesn't.

 
16. Question: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? Answer: Breasts don't have eyes.


 17. Despite the old saying, 'Don't take your troubles to bed', many men still sleep with their wives!DY ROONEY on Sex . . .

[Roy]

2011 DARWIN AWARDS ISSUED...



Its with great displeasure that I announce..... it's that time again....The Darwin Awards are out! These Annual Honors (or horrors) are given to the persons who did the human gene pool the biggest service by killing themselves in the most extraordinarily stupid way.
 
You may recall that last year's winner was the fellow who was killed by a Coke machine which toppled over on top of him as he was attempting to tip a free soda out.

This year's winner was a genuine Rocket Scientist...no jive! Read on...and remember that each and every one of these is a true story. The nominees were:
 
Semifinalist #1
 
A young Canadian man, searching for a way of getting drunk cheaply because he had no money with which to buy alcohol, mixed gasoline with milk. Not surprisingly, this concoction made him ill, and he vomited into the fireplace in his house. The resulting explosion and fire burned his house down, killing both he and his sister.
 
Semifinalist #2
 
Three Brazilian men were flying in a light aircraft at low altitude when another plane approached. It appears that they decided to moon the occupants of the other plane, but lost control of their own aircraft and crashed. They were all found dead in the wreckage with their pants around their ankles.
 
Semifinalist #3
 
A 22-year-old Reston, VA man was found dead after he tried to use octopus straps to bungee jump off a 70-foot rail road trestle. Fairfax County police said Eric Barcia, a fast-food worker, taped a bunch of these straps together, wrapped an end around one foot, anchored the other end to the trestle at Lake Accotink Park, jumped and hit the pavement. Warren Carmichael, a police spokesman, said investigators think Barcia was alone because his car was found nearby. "The length of the cord that he had assembled was greater than the distance between the trestle and the concrete," Carmichael said. Police say the apparent cause of death was "Major trauma."
 
Semifinalist #4
 
A man in Alabama died from numerous rattlesnake bites. It seems that he and a friend were playing a game of catch, using the rattlesnake as a ball. The friend - no doubt a future Darwin Awards candidate - was hospitalized, but lived.
 
Semifinalist #5
 
Employees in a medium-sized warehouse in west Texas noticed the smell of a gas leak. Sensibly, management evacuated the building, extinguishing all potential sources of ignition; lights, power, etc. After the building had been evacuated, two technicians from the gas company were dispatched. Upon entering the building, they found they had difficulty navigating in the dark. To their frustration, none of the lights worked. Witnesses later described the sight of one of the technicians reaching into his pocket and retrieving an object that resembled a cigarette lighter. Upon operation of the lighter-like object, the gas in the warehouse exploded, sending pieces of it up to three miles away. Nothing was found of the technicians, but the lighter was virtually untouched by the explosion. The technician suspected of causing the blast had never been thought of as ''especially bright'' by his peers.
 
And now the winner of this year's Darwin Award; as always, awarded posthumously;
 
THE 2011 WINNER!

Arizona Highway Patrol came upon a pile of smoldering metal embedded in the side of a cliff rising above the road at the apex of a curve. The wreckage resembled the site of an airplane crash, but it was a car. The type of car was unidentifiable at the scene.

Police investigators finally pieced together the mystery. An amateur rocket scientist had somehow gotten hold of a JATO unit (Jet Assisted Take Off...actually a solid-fuel rocket) that is used to give heavy military transport planes an extra 'push' for taking off from short airfields. He had driven his Chevy Impala out into the desert and found a long, straight stretch of road. He attached the JATO unit to the car, jumped in, got up some speed and fired off the JATO!
 
The facts as best could be determined are that the operator of the 1967 Impala hit the JATO ignition at a distance of approximately 3.0 miles from the crash site. This was established by the scorched and melted asphalt at that location.
 
The JATO, if operating properly, would have reached maximum thrust within 5 seconds, causing the Chevy to reach speeds well in excess of 350 mph and continuing at full power for an additional 20 -25 seconds.

The driver, and soon-to-be pilot, would have experienced G-forces usually reserved for dog fighting F-14 jocks under full afterburners, causing him to become irrelevant for the remainder of the event. However, the automobile remained on the straight highway for about 2.5 miles (15-20 seconds) before the driver applied and completely melted the brakes, blowing the tires and leaving thick rubber marks on the road surface, then becoming airborne for an additional 1.4 miles and impacting the cliff face at a height of 125 feet, leaving a blackened crater 3 feet deep in the rock. Most of the driver's remains were not recoverable.
 
Epilogue: It has been calculated that this moron attained a ground speed of approximately 420-mph, though much of his voyage was not actually on the ground.
 
Really.....we couldn't make this stuff up and remember these people are all around us and not only do they have kids but they also vote!
 

[Roy]

$7 SEX!


 
A couple, both well into their 80's, go to a sex therapist's office.

The doctor asks, 'What can I do for you?'

The man says, 'Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?'

The doctor raises both eyebrows,
but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple
is asking for sexual advice that he agrees.

When the couple finishes, the doctor says,
'There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse..'

He thanks them for coming, he wishes them good luck,
he charges them $50 and he says good bye.

The next week, the same couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again.
The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees.

This happens several weeks in a row.
The couple makes an appointment
has intercourse with no problems, pays the doctor, then leave.

Finally, after 3 months of this routine, the doctor says,
'I'm sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?'

The man says, 'We're not trying to find out anything.
 
She's married; so we can't go to her house
.
I'm married; and we can't go to my house.
 
The Holiday Inn charges $98.
 
The Hilton charges $139.
 
We do it here for $50, and Medicare pays $43 of it, leaving my net cost of $7.

[Roy]

Things to say when you're caught sleeping on the job.


 

15. "They told me at the blood bank this might happen."

14. "This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in the last time management course you sent me to."

13. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the liquid paper"

12. "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm!"

11. "This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!"

10. "I was testing the keyboard for drool resistance"

9. "Actually I'm doing a "Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan" (SLEEP) I learned it at the last mandatory seminar you made me attend.

8. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work related stress."

7. "Darn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem."

6. "The coffee machine is broken...."

5. "Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot."

4. "Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won't wear off!"

3. "Ah, the unique and unpredictable circadian rhythms of the workaholic!"

2. "I wasn't sleeping, I was trying to pick up contact lens without hands."

AND THE #1 BEST THING TO SAY IF YOU GET CAUGHT SLEEPING AT YOUR DESK:

"Amen"

[bigguy]

They were together in the House.
Just  the two of  them.

It  was a cold, dark, stormy night. The storm had  come quickly and each time the thunder boomed he watched her  jump.

She looked across the room and admired his strong appearance....and wished that he would take her in his arms, comfort her and protect her from the storm.

Suddenly,  with a pop, the power went out.... She screamed..
He  raced to the sofa where she was cowering.
He  didn't hesitate to pull her into his arms..

He  knew this was a forbidden union and expected her  to pull  back.
He was  surprised when she didn't resist but instead  clung to  him.

The storm raged  on....

They knew it was  wrong...

Their families would  never understand...
So consumed were they  in their FEAR that they heard no opening of  doors.... just  the faint click of a camera.......

[Jess from VA]

Mastercard Blowjob Commercial	powered by Aeva

[Roy]

Dead Duck. . . . .



A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she lay her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.
 
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, your Duck has passed away."
 
The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure?
 
"Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead," he replied.
 
"How can you be so sure," she protested. "I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."
 
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room, and returned a few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever.
 
As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
 
The vet patted the dog and took it out, and returned a few moments later with a cat.
 
The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed delicately at the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.
 
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."
 
Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.


 
The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill.


 
"$150!" she cried - "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead?!!"




 
The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20 but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150.00.

[Roy]

OUTHOUSE


Ma was in the kitchen fiddling around when she hollers out, "Pa! You need to go out and fix the outhouse!"

Pa replies, "There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse."

Ma yells back, "Yes there is, now git out there and fix it."

So Pa mosies out to the outhouse, looks around and yells back, "Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse!"

"Ma replies, "Stick yur head in the hole!"

Pa yells back, "I ain't stickin my head in that hole!

Ma says, "Ya have to stick yur head in the hole to see what to fix."

So with that, Pa sticks his head in the hole, looks around and yells back, "Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with this outhouse!"

Ma hollers back, "Now take your head out of the hole!"

Pa proceeds to pull his head out of the hole, then starts yelling, "Ma! Help! My beard is stuck in the cracks in the toilet seat!"

To which Ma replies, "Hurts, don't it?!"
 
 
 
 

[Roy]

Game Warden . . .



A couple goes on vacation to a fishing resort in northern Minnesota. The husband likes to fish at the crack of dawn. The wife likes to read.

One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although she isn't familiar with the lake the wife decides to take the boat. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and continues to read her book.

Along comes the game warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside and says,
 
"Good morning Ma'am. What are you doing?"
 
"Reading my book," she replies, thinking isn't that obvious?
 
"You're in a restricted fishing area," he informs her
.
"But officer, I'm not fishing. Can't you see that?"
 
"Yes, but you have all the equipment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."
 
"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with rape," says the woman.
 
"But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden.




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"That's true, but you do have all the equipment."

[donaldcc]

So consumed were they  in their FEAR that they heard no opening of  doors.... just  the faint click of a camera.......

  
  the real thing.  togetherness.  Maddy and Bebe 

[Roy]

Speaking Italian.....



A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves, and engage in animated conversation.

The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but she listens in horror as one of the men says the following; "Emma come first. Den I come. Two asses, dey come together.
I come again. Two asses, dey come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come once-a more."

 "You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!" "Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Imma just tellun my friend howa to spella Mississippi."

[Sergeant D]

Joe wanted to buy a motorcycle. He doesn't have much luck, until one day, he comes across a Valkyrie with a 'for sale' sign on it. The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It's shiny and in absolute mint condition.

He immediately buys it and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years. 'Well, it's quite simple really,' says the seller, 'whenever the bike is outside and it's gonna rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain.' (true story) And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.

That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents. Naturally,they take the bike there. But just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, 'I have to tell you something about my family before we go in.' 'When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the first person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes.' 'No problem,' he says.. And in they go.

Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes. In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks. Dirty dishes. They sit down to dinner, and sure enough, no one says a word. As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation. So he leans over and kisses Sandra. No one says a word. So he reaches over and fondles her chest. Still, nobody says a word. So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table and screws her, right there in front of her parents.

His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word. He looks at her mom. 'She's got a great body,' he thinks. So he grabs the mom, bends her over the dinner table, pulls down her panties, and screws her every which way but loose right there on the dinner table. After she has a big O, he sits down again.

Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, the Mom is pleasantly beaming. But still.... Total silence. All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain. Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket. Suddenly the father shouted. 'I'll do the f*ckin' dishes!!' 

[Roy]

    

[Jess from VA]

A redneck with a bucket full of live fish was approached recently by a game warden in Central Mississippi as he started to drive his boat away from a lake.

The game warden asked the man, "May I see your fishing license please?"

"Naw, sir," replied the redneck. "I don't need none of them there papers. These here are my pet fish."

"Pet fish??"

"Yep. Once a week, I bring these here fish o'mine down to the lake and let 'em swim 'round for a while. Then when I whistle, they swim right back into my net and I take 'em home."

"What a line of horse crap. You're under arrest."

The redneck said, "It's the truth, Mr. Gov'ment Man. I'll show ya! We do this all the time!!"

"WE do, now, do WE?" smirked the warden. "PROVE it!"

The redneck released the fish into the lake and stood and waited. After a few minutes, the warden said, "Well?"

"Well, WHUT?" said the redneck.

The warden asked, "When are you going to call them back?"

"Call who back?"

"The FISH," replied the warden!

"Whut fish?" asked the redneck.


You can say what you want about the South, but you never hear of anyone retiring and moving north.

[Don07tncav]

Sheer Nightgowns Can Be Fatal


A husband walks into Victoria’s Secret to purchase a sheer negligee for
his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500
in price -- the more sheer, the higher the price.

He opts for the sheerest item, pays the $500, and takes it home.

He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and
model it for him.

Upstairs, the wife thinks (she's no dummy), "I have an idea ... it's so
sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, I'll do the
modeling naked, return it tomorrow, and keep the $500 refund for
myself."

She appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.

The husband says, "Good Grief! You'd think for $500, they'd at least
iron it!"

He never heard the shot.

Funeral is on Thursday at Noon.

[Don07tncav]

Top Ten Reasons Why Men Prefer Guns Over Women


And here we go...

#10 - You can trade an old 44 for a new 22.

#9 - You can keep one gun at home and have another for when you're on the road.

#8 - If you admire a friend's gun and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.

#7 - Your primary gun doesn't mind if you keep another gun for a backup.

#6 - Your gun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.

#5 - A gun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.

#4 - Guns function normally every day of the month.

#3 - A gun doesn't ask , "Do these new grips make me look fat?"

#2 - A gun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.

And the Number One reason
Why Men Prefer Guns over women.....



#1 - You can buy a silencer for a gun

[Roy]

    

[Roy]

DARTH NADER RUINS CHRISTMAS


Along time ago in a Galaxy far far away its Christmas time.

Darth Vader and Luke Skywalker are having a lightsaber battle.

Darth Vader says to Luke " I know what your getting for Christmas"

Luke says "eh?"

Darth Vader says again to Luke " I know what your getting for Christmas"

Luke says " how would you know that?"

 

 
*

 
 
 


Darth Vader says " I felt your presence"

[Jess from VA]

MY DAD IS A DANCER

One day a fourth-grade teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living.

All the typical answers came up -fireman, mechanic, businessman, salesman... and so forth.

However, little Justin was being uncharacteristically quiet, so when the teacher prodded him about his father, he replied,

"My father's an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his clothes to music in front of other men and they put money in his underwear. Sometimes, if the offer is really good, he will go home with some guy and stay with him all night for money."

The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some exercises and took little Justin aside to ask him,

"Is that really true about your father?"

"No," the boy said, "He works for the Democratic National Committee and is helping to get Obama re-elected, but it is just too embarrassing to say that in front of the other kids."

[Roy]

    

[Roy]

PREACHER...


The new Texas preacher was a dead ringer for Conway Twitty, the country music singer.

One day he decided to visit some of the church members who hadn't been to service lately.

He went to the first lady's house and knocked on the door. When she answered the door, she said, " Conway Twitty!"

"No ma'am," he replied. "I'm your new pastor, and I came to have prayer with you."
So she said come right on in.

He visited several more homes, and everyone thought he was Conway Twitty.

Then he came to a young widow woman's house on the end of the street. She was taking a shower at the time, so she just wrapped a towel around her and opened the door.

When she saw her caller, she threw up her hands - which allowed the towel to fall to the floor.






"Oh my God!" she exclaimed. "It's Conway Twitty!"

And the preacher said......................................................



*






*



"Hello,  Darlin!!" 

[Roy]

Hitler wants a Harley!



http://www.youtube.com/v/nUY-H3vWhzY&hl=en_US&feature=player

[Roy]

SINGLE BLACK FEMALE...



SINGLE BLACK FEMALE...


[The following singles ad in The Atlanta Journal received numerous calls…]
 


SINGLE BLACK FEMALE seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant. I'm a very good looking girl who LOVES to play. I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping and fishing trips, cozy winter nights lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand. Rub me the right way and watch me respond. I'll be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me. Kiss me and I'm yours. Call (404) 876-6420 and ask for Daisy.
 

... Over 15,000 men found themselves talking to the Atlanta Humane Society about an 8-week old black Labrador retriever.
Men are so easy…

[Roy]

Our President's in Military Uniform, or the Uniform they chose to wear.

[donaldcc]

  hey roy.  always like to check in with your funnies. "nothing to get riled up about".  no politics, just humor.  

  what's the story with your last one?  certainly political with all the republicans in uniform (and some distinguished for sure) except maybe george w. who had all that controversy about falling short of his obligations to the national guard and his "fraternity" like actions.

  seems like the only democrats shown are in satire (well maybe LBJ is in double breasted, is that satire?).  this seems political not "jokes, puns and riddles".

  like your others better.  

[RoadKill]

 hey roy.  always like to check in with your funnies. "nothing to get riled up about".  no politics, just humor.  

  what's the story with your last one?  certainly political with all the republicans in uniform (and some distinguished for sure) except maybe george w. who had all that controversy about falling short of his obligations to the national guard and his "fraternity" like actions.

  seems like the only democrats shown are in satire.  this seems political not "jokes, puns and riddles".

  like your others better.  

Read the entire subject line at the top...title of the thread.  Just jokes! !  Not one blonde has complained about the blonde jokes here.  Sure, I am offended at the  ugly jack ass jokes, But I'm not bitchin about it here!  

[bigguy]

 hey roy.  always like to check in with your funnies. "nothing to get riled up about".  no politics, just humor.  

  what's the story with your last one?  certainly political with all the republicans in uniform (and some distinguished for sure) except maybe george w. who had all that controversy about falling short of his obligations to the national guard and his "fraternity" like actions.

  seems like the only democrats shown are in satire (well maybe LBJ is in double breasted, is that satire?).  this seems political not "jokes, puns and riddles".

  like your others better.  
+1