Just to make you feel better (HUMOR)

[fuzzy2bucks]

PAGE 2


10 Excuses to make when caught sleeping at work..



10. "They told me at the Blood Bank this might happen."

9. "This is just a 15 minute power nap they raved about in the time
management course you sent to me ."

8. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the Whiteout. You probably got here just
in time."

7. "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and
envisioning a new business strategy."

6. "I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance."

5. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related
stress. Are you discriminatory toward people who practice Yoga?"

4. "Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out how to handle that
big accounting problem."

3. "Did you ever notice sound coming out of these keyboards when you put
your ear down real close?"

2. "Who put decaf in the wrong pot?"

1. [Raise head slowly and say], "...in Jesus name, Amen."

[fuzzy2bucks]

Frog goes to the bank



A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.

"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."



Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.



The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.


Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.



She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral."


She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"

(you're gonna love this)







(its a real treat)







(a masterpiece)







(wait for it)









The bank manager looks back at her and says...

"It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."



(You're singing it, aren't you? )

[fuzzy2bucks]

Can you guess which of the following are true and which are false?!


1. Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the
morning.

2. Alfred Hitchcock didn't have a belly button.

3. A pack-a-day smoker will lose approximately 2 teeth every 10
years.

4. People do not get sick from cold weather; it's from being indoors
a lot more.

5. When you sneeze, all bodily functions stop, even your heart
!

6. Only 7 per cent of the population are lefties.

7. Forty people are sent to the hospital for dog bites every minute.

8. Babies are born without kneecaps. They don't appear until they
are 2-6 years old.

9. The average person over 50 will have spent 5 years waiting in
lines.

10. The toothbrush was invented in 1498.

11. The average housefly lives for one month.

12. 40,000 Americans are injured by toilets each year.

13. A coat hanger is 44 inches long when straightened.

14. The average computer user blinks 7 times a mi! nute.

15. Your feet are bigger in the afternoon than any other time of
day.

16. Most of us have eaten a spider in our sleep.

17. The REAL reason ostriches stick their head in the sand is to
search for water.

18. The only two animals that can see behind themselves without
turning their heads are the rabbit and the parrot.

19. John Travolta turned down the starring roles in "An Officer and
a Gentleman" and "Tootsie."

20. Michael Jackson owns the rights to the South Carolina State
anthem.

21. In most television commercials advertising milk, a mixture of
white paint and a little thinner is used in place of the milk.

22. Prince Charles and Prince William NEVER travel on the same
airplane, just in case there is a crash.

23. The first Harley Davidson motorcycle built in 1903 used a tomato
can for a carburetor.

24. Most hospitals make money by selling the umbilical cords cut
from women who give birth. They are used in vein transplant surgery.

25. Humphrey Bogart was related to Princess Diana. They were 7th
cousins.

26. If coloring weren't added to Coca-Cola, it would be green.

Answers below:
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> They are all true...how about that number 16??

[fuzzy2bucks]

Teacher Job Interview


After being interviewed by the school administration, the teaching prospect said, “Let me see if I've got this right”: 


You want me to go into that room with all those kids, correct their disruptive behavior, Observe them for signs of abuse, monitor their dress habits, censor their T-shirt messages, and instill in them a love for learning? 


You want me to check their backpacks for weapons, wage war on drugs and sexually transmitted diseases, and raise their sense of self esteem and personal pride?


You want me to teach them patriotism and good citizenship, sportsmanship and fair play, and how to register to vote, balance a checkbook, and apply for a job?


You want me to check their heads for lice, recognize signs of antisocial behavior, and make sure that they all pass the state exams?


You also want me to provide them with an equal education regardless of their handicaps, and communicate regularly with their parents in English and Spanish by letter, telephone, newsletter, and report card?


 You want me to do all this with a piece of chalk, a blackboard, a bulletin board, a few books, a big smile, and a starting salary that qualifies me for food stamps?


You want me to do all this and then you tell me "I can't pray?"

[fuzzy2bucks]

Have you ever wondered that if the dollar bill you are carrying in your wallet was ever in a strippers rear end ????                

[fuzzy2bucks]

Proof that Men Have Better Friends...



Friendship among Women:

A woman didn't come home one night. The next morning
she told her husband that she had slept over at a
friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best
friends. None of them knew anything about it.



Friendship among Men:

A man didn't come home one night. The next morning he
told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's
house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends,
Eight of whom confirmed that he had slept over, and
two said that he was still there.

[fuzzy2bucks]

Child support !



For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman.

One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant.
Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a
large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child.


If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.

She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born.
To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write ‘Spaghetti’ on the back.

He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin.

One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.
‘Honey’, she said, ‘you received a very strange post card today’.
‘Oh, really? Let me see…’, he said.
The wife gave it to him and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.

On the card was written:

‘Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.

Two with meatballs, one without.

Send extra sauce.’

[grizs50]

A bear and a rabbit were taking a crap in the woods, The bear looks at the rabbit and says, "Do you have trouble with crap sticking to your fur?" The rabbit surprised by the bears inteligence says "Why no, I have never had an issue with crap sticking to my fur!" The bears says "GREAT!" and he proceeds to pick the rabbit up and wipe his butt with him!! 

[fuzzy2bucks]

It's been around B4, but worth another look for those of us who have time on their hands.


http://fc01.deviantart.com/fs13/f/2007/077/2/e/Animator_vs__Animation_by_alanbecker.swf

[fuzzy2bucks]

Buffalo theroy of Beer


A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo.  When the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first.  This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the herd keeps improving by the regular killing of it's weakest members!

In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells.  Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells.  But we know the alcohol attacks the weakest and slowest brain cells first....which means that regular and excessive alcohol consumption eliminates the weaker cells and leaves the brain to be a faster and more efficient machine!  That is why you always feel smarter after a few beers!






.

[fuzzy2bucks]

u]A few Puns[/u]


I Thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.



 She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.



A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.


No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.



 A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.



 Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.



A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.



Time flies like an arrow.  Fruit flies like a banana.



Atheism is a non-prophet organization.



A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said:  'Keep off the Grass.'



The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.



The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.



A backward poet writes inverse.


In a democracy it's your vote that counts.  In feudalism it's your count that votes.



When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.



There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh.  No pun in ten did.

[fuzzy2bucks]

Fried eggs


A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.
Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.

'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the! Salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!'

The wife stared at him.
'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?'
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.'

[fuzzy2bucks]

Would you let someone smoke on your bike ?
































.

[DarkMeister]

YES!!!

But, she only smokes after sex. I hear she's down to a pack a day.

[fuzzy2bucks]

DarkMeister,  Is that a yes?  Think we should take a poll here?

[fuzzy2bucks]

Traffic Cameras


A friend was driving when he saw the flash of a traffic camera. He figured that
his picture had been taken for exceeding the limit even though he knew
that he was not speeding.

Just to be sure, he went around the block and passed the same spot,
driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed.

Now he began to think that this was quite funny, so he drove even slower
as he passed the area once more, but the traffic camera again flashed.

he tried a fourth and fifth time with the same results and was now
laughing as the camera flashed while he rolled past at a snail's pace.

(So what did he get a ticket for then?)













Two weeks later, he got five tickets in the mail for driving without a
seat belt.

You know, you just can't fix stupid.

[fuzzy2bucks]

Watchout, it looks like she could be an New Yorker !

[bigguy]

NOT TRUE, BUT FUNNY NON-THE LESS

English 44A
SMU
Creative Writing
Prof. Miller
In-class Assignment for Wednesday

Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story. The process is simple. Each person will pair off with the person sitting to his or her immediate right. One of you will then write the first paragraph of a short story. The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story. The first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back and forth.
Remember to re-read what has been written each time in order to keep the story coherent. The story is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The chamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he liked chamomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him too much her Asthma started acting up again. So chamomile was out of the question.

Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. "A.S. Harris to Geostation 17," he said into his trans-galactic communicator. "Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance so far..." But before he could sign off a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship's cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit.

He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he felt one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4. "Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel." Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth -- when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspapers to read, no television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her. "Why must one lose one's innocence to become a woman?" she pondered wistfully.

Little did she know, but she has less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu'udrian mothership launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace Disarmament Treaty through Congress had left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty the Anu'udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion which vaporized poor stupid Laurie and 85 million other Americans. The President slammed his fist on the conference table. "We can't allow this! I'm going to veto that treaty! Let's blow 'em out of the sky!"

This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic, semi-literate adolescent.

Yeah? Well, you're a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium.

A$$#*!&.

B!^$#.

Both students received an A.

[fuzzy2bucks]

Rex barks up about success with 10 Step Program.

[fuzzy2bucks]

Teacher arrested at JFK airport



NEW YORK -- A public school teacher was arrested today at John F


>>> Kennedy International Airport as he attempted to board a flight while


>>> in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square, a slide rule and


>>> a calculator. At a morning press conference, Attorney General Alberto


>>> Gonzales said he believes the man is a member of the notorious


>>> Al-gebra movement. He did not identify the man, who has been charged


>>> by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction. "Al-gebra is a


>>> problem for us," Gonzales said "They desire solutions by means and


>>> extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute


>>> values. They use secret code names like 'x' and 'y' and refer to


>>> themselves as 'unknowns', but we have determined they belong to a
 

>>> common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every


>>> country. As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, 'There are 3


>>> sides to every triangle'. When asked to comment on the arrest,


>>> President Bush said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of


>>> math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes." White
 

>>> House aides told reporters they could not recall a more intelligent or


>>> profound statement by the president.

[fuzzy2bucks]

What Women think of Men nowdays.


For all those men who say, Why buy a cow when you can get milk for free. Here's an update for you: Now days, 80% of women are against marriage, WHY? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage.

Men are like....

1. Men are like ...Laxatives ...... They irritate the crap out of you.


2. Men are like.... Bananas ..... The older they get, the less firm they are.


3. Men are like... Weather.... Nothing can be done to change them.


4. Men are like ...Blenders... You need One, but you're not quite sure why.


5. Men are like ..... Chocolate Bars .... Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.


6. Men are like .....Commercials ....... You can't believe a word they say.




7. Men are like... Department Stores ..... Their clothes are always 1/2 off.


8. Men are like ......Government Bonds .... They take soooooooo long to mature.


9. Men are like .... Mascara ...They usually run at the first sign of emotion.


10. Men are like ... Popcorn .... They satisfy you, but only for a little while.


11. Men are like ...Snowstorms .... You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.


12. Men are like ........Lava Lamps .... Fun to look at, but not very bright.


13. Men are like ...Parking Spots ... All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.

[fuzzy2bucks]

POULTRY AND POLITICIAN's


John the farmer was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens), called "pullets" and eight or ten roosters, whose job was to fertilize the eggs.


The farmer kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of his time so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so John could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing.


Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells. The farmer's favorite rooster was old Butch, and a very fine specimen he was, too.


But on this particular morning John noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all! John went to
investigate.


The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.


But to Farmer John's amazement, Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.


John was so proud of Butch, he entered him in the Renfrew County Fair and Butch became an overnight sensation among the judges.



The result...The judges not only awarded Butch the No Bell Piece Prize but they also awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well.


Clearly Butch was a politician in the making: who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.

[bigguy]

Not a joke per se, but still kind of funny. You'll have to go to the site to watch the video.

Wireless phone from the 1920s

[bigguy]

Rural pragmatism

The owner of an isolated ranch in Montana had two sons. One day the family made one of it's infrequent trips into town. The younger son drew the short straw and had to stay and watch the ranch for the few days the family would be gone.
On the first evening alone, there is a knock on the door and the young man answers to find his closest neighbor from just 40 miles down the road standing there.
“Is your pa here?” the man asks.
“No sir,” the young man answers, “He'll be gone for a few days, but he left me in charge. I'm sure I can handle anything you need.”
The older man stood indecisively for a few minutes. He didn't especially want the broach the delicate subject on his mind with his neighbor's son, but neither did he want to wait several days. Finally he said, “Well, I need to talk about your older brother Charlie, getting my daughter pregnant.”
The young man considered for a minute then said, “Yes sir. I reckon you'd better talk to Pa about that. I know he got $500 for studding out the horse and $1,000 for the bull. I'm not sure what he'd charge for Charlie.”

[fuzzy2bucks]

Like those Cowboy jokes!

                               

[fuzzy2bucks]

MARRIAGE SEMINAR

While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication,Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor, "It is essential that husbands and wives know each other's likes and dislikes."

He addressed the man, "Can you name your wife's favorite flower?"

Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered,

.
.

"It's Pillsbury, isn't it?

[fuzzy2bucks]

One word or Two

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time. Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married.


Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.
Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.


'How do you feel about sex?' he asked, rather tentatively.

'I would like it infrequently,' she replied.

The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, leaned over towards her and whispered -


-
'Is that one word or two?

[sugerbear]

POULTRY AND POLITICIAN's


John the farmer was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens), called "pullets" and eight or ten roosters, whose job was to fertilize the eggs.


The farmer kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of his time so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so John could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing.



Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells. The farmer's favorite rooster was old Butch, and a very fine specimen he was, too.


But on this particular morning John noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all! John went to
investigate.


The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.


But to Farmer John's amazement, Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.


John was so proud of Butch, he entered him in the Renfrew County Fair and Butch became an overnight sensation among the judges.



The result...The judges not only awarded Butch the No Bell Piece Prize but they also awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well.


Clearly Butch was a politician in the making: who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.

SOOOOOOOOOOOO.......................THATS how nobama won HIS "piece" prize!!!!

[fuzzy2bucks]

APPLE MUSIC STORING DEVICE



Apple announced today that it has developed a breast implant that can store and play
music.

The iTit will cost from $499 to $699, depending on cup and speaker size.



This is considered a major social breakthrough, because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

[fuzzy2bucks]

Little Johnny


The teacher asked the class to use the word 'fascinate' in a
sentence.


Molly put up her hand and said, 'My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating. '


The teacher said, 'That was good, but I wanted you to use
the word 'fascinate, not fascinating' .


Sally raised her hand. She said, 'My family went to see Rock City and I was 'fascinated. ' The teacher said, 'Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate.'


Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated
because she had been burned by Little Johnny before.


She finally decided there was no way he could damage the
word 'fascinate', so she called on him.


Johnny said, 'My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons,
but her boobs are so big she can only fasten eight.'


The teacher sat down and cried.

[DarkMeister]

A dog lover, whose dog was a female and "in heat', agreed to look
after and house her neighbor's male dog while they were away on vacation.
She had a large house however and believed that she could keep them apart
but as she was drifting off to sleep she heard awful howling and moaning
sounds, rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together, in obvious
pain and unable to disengage as so frequently happens when they mate.

Unable to separate them and perplexed as to what to do next, although it
was late, she called the vet, who answered in a very grumpy voice. Having
explained the problem to him, the vet said. "Hang up the phone and place it
down alongside the dogs. I will then call you back and the noise of the
ringing will make the male lose his erection and be able to withdraw."

"Do you think that will work?" she asked.

"It just worked for me" he replied.

[fuzzy2bucks]

      

[fuzzy2bucks]

Phone call from Purgatory


George Bush, Queen Elizabeth, and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell. While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for. The devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth.


Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 5 minutes. When he was finished the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a check.


Next Queen Elizabeth call England and talks for 30 minutes. When she was finished the devil informs her that cost is 6 million dollars, so Queen Elizabeth writes him a check.


Finally George Bush gets his turn and talks for 4 hours. When he was finished the devil informed him that there would be no charge for the call and feel free to call the USA anytime.


When Putin hears this he goes ballistic and asks the devil
why Bush got to call the USA free. The devil replied, since Obama became president of the USA, the country has gone to hell, so naturally it's a local call.

[fuzzy2bucks]

Wise Old Alien



Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was closed for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying, 'Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader.'


The gas pump, of course, didn't respond.


The younger alien became angry at the lack of response. The older alien said, 'I'd calm down if I were you.'


The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again, there was no response.


Annoyed by what he perceived to be the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said impatiently, 'Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Do not ignore us this way! Take us to your leader or I will fire!'


The older alien again warned his comrade saying, 'You probably don't want to do that! I really don't think you should make him mad'.


'Rubbish,' replied the cocky, young alien.. He aimed his weapon at the pump and opened fire. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared towards them and blew the younger alien off his feet and deposited him a burnt, smoking mess about 200 yards away in a cactus patch.


Half an hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he refocused his three eyes, straightened his bent antenna, and looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big, green head.


'What a ferocious creature!' exclaimed the young, fried alien. 'He damn near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?'


The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend and replied, 'If there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic travels, you don't want to mess with a guy who can loop his penis over his shoulder twice and then stick it in his ear.

[DarkMeister]

Marriage is like a deck of cards

In the beginning all you need is two hearts and a diamond

By the end you'll wish you had a freakin' club and a spade
 

[fuzzy2bucks]

Winter's Weather Forecast


It was October and the Indians on a remote reservation asked their new Chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was a Chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets.


When he looked at the sky he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like. So, to be on the safe side he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and the village should collect firewood to be prepared.


Then, after several days he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is the coming winter going to be cold?"


"It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold," the meteorologist at the weather service responded.


So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared.


A week later he called the Weather Service again. "Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?"


"Yes," the man at Weather Service again replied, "it's going to be a very cold winter."



The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.


Two weeks later the Chief called the Weather Service again. "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?"


"Absolutely," the man replied. "It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters ever."


"How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked.


The weatherman replied, "The Indians are collecting firewood like crazy."

[fuzzy2bucks]

Cowboy meets St. Peter



A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.
 

'Have you ever done anything of particular merit?' St. Peter asked.


'Well, I can think of one thing,' the cowboy offered.


'On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman.


I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen.


So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker and smacked him in his face ...


Kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground.


I yelled, 'Now, back off!! Or I'll kick thesh*t out of all of you!'


St. Peter was impressed, 'When did this happen?'


'Just a couple of minutes ago...'

[fuzzy2bucks]

These are not really puns, but I thought they were funny anyway......

Ø   Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

   
Ø   Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.


   The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.

 
Ø   Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.



Ø   If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.

 


Ø   We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.


 
Ø   War does not determine who is right - only who is left. 



Ø   Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.


 
Ø   The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

   
Ø   Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

 
Ø   To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

 
Ø   A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.

 
Ø   How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

 
Ø   Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs. 


Ø   Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.


Ø   I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted pay checks. 


Ø   A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it.

 
Ø   Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR".   


Ø   I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.



Ø   I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...so I said "Implants?"



Ø   Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?


Ø   Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.



Ø   Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America ? 



Ø   Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.



Ø   A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.


 
Ø   You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.


   
Ø   The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!


Ø   Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.



Ø   A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.



Ø   Hospitality:  making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.


   
Ø   Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.


 
Ø   I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.   



 
Ø   I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.


 
Ø   I always take life with a grain of salt, plus a slice of lemon, and a shot of tequila.


 
Ø   When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.



 
Ø   To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target



Ø   Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.



Ø   Some people hear voices. Some see invisible people. Others have no imagination whatsoever.



Ø   A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.



The  Miss Universe Contest is Rigged ! . . .   It's always someone on Earth who wins.

[czuch]

What did the snail say on the turtle's back,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,WEEEEEEEE!!!!!

[vanagon40]

A young blond woman in Omaha Nebraska was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the Missouri River. She went down to the docks and was about to leap into the frigid water when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the edge of the dock, crying.

He took pity on her and said, "Look, you have so much to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship.  I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day." Moving closer, he slipped his arm round her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy."

The girl nodded ok. After all, what did she have to lose? Perhaps a fresh start in Europe would give her life new meaning. That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn.

Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, the captain discovered her. "What are you doing here?" the captain asked. "I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained. "I get food and a trip to Europe, and he's screwing me."

"He certainly is," the captain said. "This is the Ameristar, The casino boat, and we never leave Council Bluffs."