So much for marriage... I gave it my all....

[stude31]

Well,

Prayers would be great at this dark moment.  My wife and I have been on rocky times and tonight she left.  I had a hunch that she might be at one of her ex's (since I did find an email she wrote back in August that said she loved him),  and sure enough she was.  I had to drive by three times to believe it and then I find out from a neighbor that her car has been there "quite often", which is very upsetting.  Why don't people leave first?  I don't understand.  I feel bad for my step son, I love him like he was my own.  That kills me....   She had to leave this douche bag because her ex was about to get full custody of her son and so to hold on to her son she left him...  Well I guess when times are rough in a marriage some just don't want to work to make it better. 

I just can't believe it... Thanks for all of your support and prayers it's just overwhelming at the moment....  Only telling all of you is to send a message that if your marriage is on the rocks try and keep trying cause I am sure your spouse is in it for the long haul don't give up.....   Protect your marriage....    I could have done a better job... 

 

[Hoghead]

Prayers to you my friend. I have been there with the cheating and divorce. It is a tough thing to go through. Just hang in there. Nothing last forever and everything happens for a reason. I learned a lot from my heartaches.

[..]

Safeguard all your financial assets RIGHT NOW.

Don't beleive anything you are told do it RIGHT NOW.

I mean it. RIGHT NOW.

[pitbull]

I feel your pain Stude,,the only thing I can say is the pain and heartache will not last forever,,,

and more importantly,,,,Do what Britman says,,,protect them assets

Pitbull

[9Ball]

The cheating and deception are the most painful parts.  Some can forgive, but I couldn't and wouldn't.

Take care of you own mental state and needs first and don't stack the blame on yourself.  You weren't the one that made the decision to cheat.

You've got a lot of support available here.  Hang tough.

[DarkMeister]

2 things, Stude dude:

- Is it OK to envy you? I do.

- re "I could have done a better job". Wow. Don't even go there, man. Don't shoulder blame for her actions.

Hang in there. What's meant to be will be.

[Jabba]

Hang in there dude.  We'll send some Karma your way. 

You can not blame yourself for someone else's infidelity and deception.

Jabba

[Jess Tolbirt]

I have been in your shoes, lets see,, three times now,, and am working on the next marriage,,,
the heartaches will turn to anger,, gotta control that,,the anger will turn into, ok lets get on with life now,,,and then you will be ready to date again,, when you do make sure she likes the same things you like,,,this will take about 3 months and you will be good to go again,,,,
I feel for ya man,, heartaches are a bitch,,,

[hmt81]

My prayers are with you. My ex filed about 5 years ago and the thoughts of what I went through are still raw in my mind at times. 3 small boys ages 8,8 & 10. Please do protect your assests, especially the bank accounts. I did not listen to the advice of friends & attorneys but she did and emptied everything and left me only enough for a retainer fee. Joint accounts are just that and I was never able to get any of that back. It is an eye opening experience but you will survive. I was very lost during this period but have finally made peace with the situation and moved on. The biggest thing was to be the best father I can and maintain a great relationship with my kids. So far, I have been blessed that that is still the case. Prayers & blessings to you my friend!

[bogator]

 Stude,------LISTEN -------- to the advice that you are given from all of your ------TRUE-----friends-----VRCC-----I to have been there----BOY,----I could tell you some stories,---I was a trucker for 44 years,[ gone for 3 weeks at a time ] sometimes, talk about run around Sue, OK, I'm off the soapbox---PRAYERS from the great state of ALABAMA--heal quick and move on----get another woman--when you feel like it--it will help the healing process. take care my FRIEND,

[Robert]

Thoughts and prayers from Florida.

[grey ghost]

You are in our thoughts ans prayes Joe.........

[alph]

I’ve had a couple of co-workers that have gone through divorce, so I’m no were near being an expert.  From what I’ve learned, she will become a bitch.  She will go out of her way to hurt you.  She will lie, and steal to get what she wants.  What you hold valuable is what she will want the most, not because it holds any value to her, but because it will hurt you.  If you have friends that you can truly trust, sell them the things you hold most dearly, even if for a dollar, but make sure you get some sort of proof you sold it.  By the way, she is entitled to ½ it’s value, so sell it cheap, OR HIDE IT GOOD!!  (you’ve got a ton of friends on this board!!)  

I told one co-worker, “screw her now, ‘cause in a few years you’re going to wish you did”.

Think with your head, NOT YOUR HEART.  She’s f-ing around on you, (I’m only assuming you didn’t do it to her).  She will try to “make up”, this is only a ploy to get what she wants.

Everything from here on out is a war, she is your enemy.  Close your heart, make it cold.  DON’T HAVE ANY FEELINGS FOR HER!  SHE DECIDED TO NOT BE YOUR WIFE.

[alph]

I should also add;  don’t talk to her, get an attorney and let him do all the talking, mainly because, you’re a guy, guys have hearts, women don’t.  Having an attorney will separate you from any attempt of emotional sabotage. 

I know.  Many people will call me too harsh.  Even more will call me foolish.  But she left you, you’re the wounded one, I just don’t want to see you getting kicked when you’re down.

One other thing, STOP GOING TO HER NEW BOYFRIENDS HOUSE!!  THIS MAKES YOU A STALKER!! 

[JimL]

Joe, we will talk privately.....however, a couple of thoughts I will share publicly.  

Even though it is painful right this moment...it is not the end of the world.....not even close!  Your best and happiest days are in front of you.  

Should this turn out to be something that is irreconcilable, I will leave you with one thought.  There are approximately 3.35 billion women on this planet, and you are a good looking guy.  Enjoy!

[Black Dog]

Stude, going through the same thing myself...  It SUX

Cover yer butt (get an attorney), and try to keep yer chin up.  If there is any way to talk to yer step son, do it, and let him know how you feel...  Depending on his age, he may choose to see you, and keep you in his life..

Like a good friend of mine keeps telling me, better days are ahead.

Wishing you the best.

Black Dog

[the inspector]

Joe....hang Brother, things will get better. It seems like these things go around to many of us. Get a girl who likes to ride and hit the road. Have a good time, don't fret. It will pass. Look at all the good things you have and go for a ride.

"the inspector"

[Micky]

Prayers for you, from West Georgia.

[shortleg]

  I have been through it three times.
With the first one if I came home early I could not
get a parking place in my own driveway.
   It is tough for us to learn to live for and
by ourselves again. If it were not for the children
that get caught in the middle it would not be that hard.
  Just try to remember, you did not fail,she did.
You are still the good man you were before.
              Shortleg[Dave]

[Misfit]

I am truly sorry Joe. Prayers From Colorado. 

[Disco]

Joe,

I'll be thinking of you and sending positive vibes your way. 

Please take the advice offered by your friends here to heart.  You are now at war and she is your enemy.  Even if you don't feel that way, she does and will treat you as one.  Please take every step to protect yourself.  Find the nastiest POS scum-sucking bottom feeding family law attorney THIS MORNING and meet with him/her.  Not only is it what you need to do - even if you don't really want to deal with it - it will help you get through this psychologically.  You are feeling hurt and betrayed now and that is completely natural, but you need to get pissed off.  Trust me, dealing with divorce attorneys will piss you off to levels you've never experienced before.  Ironically, that's a silver lining.  It's much easier and faster to get over being angry than it is being hurt.

Hang in there, there are lots of people pulling for you.  And, if you need to get your face in the breeze, we have guest bedroom that more VRCCers have stayed in than blood family.  You're welcome any time.

Dave

[ChromeDome]

Sorry to hear about this. Only advice I can offer is what others have said ...
1. Protect your assests NOW, ASAP, the sooner the better!
2. Get an attorney, not a friend that happens to be an attorney but an attorney. May cost some bucks up front but will save more down the road.
3. DO NOT re-hash the past thinking "What if I did this ... " just keep moving forward.

[Big Rig]

Safeguard all your financial assets RIGHT NOW.

Don't beleive anything you are told do it RIGHT NOW.

I mean it. RIGHT NOW.

+1...bin there done that...

CLean out your accounts except for $1 in each....

You know you will hear all sorts of things....but hold this close...you are going to be a single man...women out number us and well over time you will get thru this....you have family here that will talk you thru your heart ache...offer counsiling....but you can not make her stay...Life won't be the same...it only gets better...ask me how I know...

[John Schmidt]

Been there...done that. Believe me, it's no easier at age 50. My ex was playing around with a guy at her office, and I knew it was going on but could do nothing. He was about ten yrs. her junior, so after 31 years...she left to be with him in Wisconsin. As it turned out, he never divorced his wife, and my ex never remarried. Her biggest problem is alcohol. When our girls were growing up there was never a drop in the house, no tobacco as well. Once she started messing around, she was like a bottomless pit for booze. A once beautiful woman turned into a bloated and fat old woman. After 7 1/2 yrs., I married my present wife and have never been happier. She has developed some life threatening ailments that have curtailed her independence, and I've turned into more of a caretaker...but I wouldn't have it any other way.

Do as others have advised....CYA re. assets. My ex tried a few sneaky things, only to have them discovered and cause her more grief. As for my current wife, my girls love her like no other...and she likewise them. I feel the same about her kids, treat them like my own. We've been together nearly 21 yrs. now, married for 16. We never lived together(I personally don't recommend it), but were together every free moment for over four years. Now....even with all of its demands, life is great.

[Jess from VA]

Joe, very sorry for your troubles.  Take Britman's advice and take immediate action to protect what you own.  Cash out joint accounts (that are your money), and start a new individual account in your name alone.  Cancel everything joint; like credit cards.  Change locks, hide valuables at a friends home.  Disable cars and bikes.  Change beneficiaries on life insurance, 401K, IRA. etc.

Remember this, from here on out ,it is NOT love or trust or heartache..... it is ONLY BUSINESS.  Keep a level head, and be the good guy in all things.  You may not be safe in talking or dealing with her without a witness.   Start a log and document all her bad acts.  

You may or may not want to lawyer up immediately, but you should go about finding a good domestic relations lawyer to have on tap.  I personally like having a female lawyer to go after a filandering wife (not really necessary).  I hired the best shark female Morman lawyer in town (and I am a lawyer myself, but not licensed in my state of VA).  All business and no prisoners.

After 24 years of mostly very good marrieage, my wife decided she hated me and could not stand living with me last year and left, after turning into a full-time cruel, vindictive and hateful bitch.  No misconduct on my part, ever, of any kind, other than keeping my nose to the grindstone of a demanding job and career, and not perhaps holding her hand as often as she wanted.  

Make the best of a bad situation, and realise you are better off without her.  I know there are exceptions, but I have decided all women are emotionally and psychologically defective units to one degree or another, and I am finished with them forever (and ever).

Put your hurt feelings and loss behind you, and take care of business!!

[Hoser]

Sorry to hear it, Stude,  I really am.  Hoser

[TearlessTom]

My prayers are with you.

 I have been there X3. I am on wife # 4 right now and she is by far the best thing that ever happened to me and well worth the wait.

I have to agree with everything above EXCEPT for one. I and many counselors think the healing time should be a  least 6 months to a year with out dating. Spend that time on yourself. You will be surprised how much you will enjoy being with yourself. Getting to know yourself. Once you know yourself then and only then should you not seek out but be open to a relationship with another potential partner.

Me personally my life should have been a book as I have been told by many.

Wife #1 was really not a wife at all but only the mother of my children.

 I never wanted to be there but was forced into marriage. I only stayed as long as I did for the sake of the children. I see now that was a HUGE  mistake.

#2 It turned out that the only thing we had in common was that we were both in love with her.
Turned out she was cheating the whole time, even before we got married.  But the reason I kicked her out was she was cruel to my kids. I found out about the cheating after the fact.

#3 is the funniest of them all. She left me for another woman. That was a shocker! The strange part is like said above, she turned on me like i was the bad guy.

So after 3 mistakes I listened and took some time off or at least tried to. I met my current wire about 1 years after separating from #3 and 6 months after it was all final. She was the daughter of my neighbor.

I met her while building a privacy fence to keep my nosey neighbors out and my dogs in. My neighbor / mother-in-law had been pushing for a meet ever since I had bought the house next door.
I had been resistant but when she saw me out working on the fence she called her daughter and told her to come over to meet the new neighbor.

I haven't looked at another woman since that day nearly 10 years ago.

I have learned to believe in Prayer, and trust the answers even if you don't like them.
Listen to your inner voice, it is thee for a reason.
I listened to that voice when it told me to buy that house next to my now mother-in-law. It was the 1st and only house I looked at.

God has a plan for me and it was her and it is good.

Not being good vocalizing my words I had to play the song GOD BLESSED THE BROKEN ROAD by RASCAL FLATTS for her when I proposed.

So I guess what I am trying to say is this:

Protect yourself,
Pray,
Take time for yourself,
Listen to the voices.

Tom
PS: She is the reason for my Name. Tearless Tom

[HayHauler]

Sorry to hear this buddy!  I've been through it, but have now found a keeper! (17 years)  I will pray that you do the same.  

Hay  
Jimmyt

[SANDMAN5]

Sorry to hear about that. Prayers for peace and comfort to you.
(not a bad idea about protecting your assets!!)

[3fan4life]

Sorry to hear that you are going through this.

You have received some good advice here.

Protect your assests and do so quickly (like NOW) any money that she takes out of a joint account before you do is hers. And any charges that she racks up on joint credit accounts are your responsibility. So if you don't act quickly she can make you broke and very deep in debt.

That being said, I know how hard divorce can be.

When I divorced my first wife it was still rough and I was the one who decided that the marriage was over.

You've heard the saying that you don't know someone until you live with them.

Well my experience has been that you don't really know someone until you divorce them.

I knew that my ex wife had a mean streak in her but I had no idea until the divorce process just how mean she could be.

I'm now watching my son go through the same process and she is doing things that no-one ever dreamed that she was capable of.

His situation is very similar to yours, she left him and moved in with another guy, but somehow in her mind he's the one who did wrong.

It does get better though, I am remarried now and this time it is everything that a marriage should be. That doesn't mean that it's perfect, but it's darn close.

If you believe in prayer, USE IT, God does bring wisdom and comfort to those who seek it.

Oh yeah, one other thing,

When it became obvious that a  friend of mine's marriage was headed for divorce he met will all the best divorce lawyers in town to discuss their taking his case.

It did cost him a little money, but the result was that she couldn't hire any of them because it would've been a conflict of interests on their part.

A little dirty perhaps but believe me she doesn't intend to play fair.   

[Alaskamike]

prayers from Alaska

[fnsmoak]

STUDE, I hope you happen to read this ASAP.

DON'T TELL THE ADVERSARY WHAT YOU'RE DOING or even that you know what's up.

If you must, poor mouth, complain, shed a tear for her or her attorney, etc.  But DO NOT telegraph any movement of inventory, service accounts, household goods, deposit locations, joint assets, NADA.

YOU NEED TO BECOME A TEAM.  The STUDE she's STILL taking advantage, and the YOU/WARRIOR that is nothing other than recon, acquisition, provision, contemplate, engineer.

I wish I'd heard this advice two decades ago... I'm still paying those bills.

fnsmoak

[KerryNolan]

Look on the bright side, if you end up divorced, you will no longer have someone destroying your sexual identity, and eating your dreams.
Kerry

I have been there, 1st marriage (while in the Navy) lasted 4 years
2nd (and current) 30 years.
Life gets better, I still wouldn't mind getting laid more often, but we're in it for the long haul now.

[alph]

you know joe, my motto is "find humor in all that goes wrong", with that being said, look on the bright side, after all this is said and done, you're going to have a hell of a lot more time to just get up and go ridding!!  


keep a smile on your face.  don't loose your mind over this, it can't kill you unless you let it.

[czuch]

Sorry to hear.
As with the others, GET A LAWYER!!!!!!!!!!!
Trust the hurt will go away. Theres someone who will take it away. Wait for them, dont rush it.
Youre the one with the rights, she cheated.
Be strong.  Were here for you.

[tybme]

Joe,

I am very sorry to hear this and I will make my reply brief.

I have been through all of this and more please call me if you need someone to talk to. You are starting a walk into some very grey mists and you don't have to do it alone.

Ty

[PharmBoy]

Joe, my friend, I now find that the good folks here at VRCC are in complete agreement with all the things that we talked about in our early morning conversation.  There are many, many who have gone down the same path before you and many are right here and willing to share experiences and give advice as to what they did and what they wish that they had done in a simular situation.  They have given you some great advice.  As you know, I have also "been there, done that".  Your friends will make all your troubles seem less disastrous and they can really smooth out some of the rough spots.  I found that to be true many years ago.

You have proven to many here that you are much more mature than your years, are honest to a fault, and and the kind of man that anyone should be proud to call a friend.  There are many of us here that are willing to stand by you through thick and thin.  So just know that you can count on us individually or as a group when things don't seem to be going your way or when you would just like to feel the wind in your face. 

I am sure that you already know this, but sometime during my teenage years, my father told me something that has stayed with me and I have found it to be the truth.  He said that no matter what ever you come to own during your life, you will never own anything that is more valuable than your reputation...JTL     (Always keep a smile on your face.  It makes others wonder what you are up to.)

[Sharkey]

Joe I am so shocked to hear this. Keep you head held up high.
Prayers on the way.
If you need to talk call me anytime.

[nerider2]

Take care Joe, you know you've got lots of friends out here.

Ed and Christy.

[Willow]

Joe,

I am very sorry to hear this and I will make my reply brief.

I have been through all of this and more please call me if you need someone to talk to. You are starting a walk into some very grey mists and you don't have to do it alone.

Ty, I spoke with Joe.  He says it will go a long way to ease his pain if you'll check the Classifieds and buy his receiver hitch.    

Edit:  Violation of Rules corrected.