Thinking it's time for a joke thread.

[DIGGER]

CORONA VIRUS

1.  6’ distance
2.  No Hugging
3.  No Kissing
4.  No Social Interaction

Kind of like being married…but with a cough

[DIGGER]

A slightly drunk woman was watching tv and started screaming “DON’T GO IN THERE!!  STAY OUT OF THE CHURCH YOU DUM WITCH!!!!”
Her husband asked “What are you watching?”
She replied “Our Wedding Video!”

[Jess from VA]

I asked my wife to let me know next time she has an orgasm.

She said she doesn’t like to bother me when I’m at work.

[DIGGER]

Since they are going to defund our local police dept….and a burglar breaks into my house….do I have to call 811 before I dig a hole?

[csj]

[ridingron]

Since they are going to defund our local police dept….and a burglar breaks into my house….do I have to call 811 before I dig a hole?   

That's kinda up to you. My buddy says "Security by Smith and Wesson. Funeral arrangements by Kubota."

[DIGGER]

If you are going to assume I’m a racist because I support Trump….
I’m going to assume you like to touch young children because you support Biden.

[DIGGER]

Dang ! Even a joke thread gets taken over. 

Yeah….I just kinda slid it in there

[DIGGER]

This being a joke thread I really shouldnt have put it in here….it being so true and all.

[Serk]

Dang ! Even a joke thread gets taken over. 

That's the problem with political jokes...

...too often they get elected.

[DIGGER]

Mother and son having a heart to heart talk…..

Mom: “Do you think I’m a bad mom Jimmy?”
Son:  “mom….my name is Jack”.

[Serk]

Mother and son having a heart to heart talk…..

Mom: “Do you think I’m a bad mom Jimmy?”
Son:  “mom….my name is Jack”.

I intentionally mix up my kid's names, sometimes even address them as one of the dogs, just to keep 'em on their toes...

[DIGGER]

When one door closes…another one opens….

Other than that its a pretty good car.

[ridingron]

Another version

 When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison.

[ridingron]

I took the batteries out of the carbon monoxide alarm because the loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.

[ridingron]

You know that tingly little feeling you get when you love someone? That's common sense leaving your body.

[Jess from VA]

You know that tingly little feeling you get when you love someone? That's common sense leaving your body.

Now the way I heard it is almost the same (but I think more accurate):  

You know that tingly little feeling you get when you love are horny for someone?  That's common sense leaving your body.  

[DIGGER]

This has been a very strange day…first I found a hat full of money….then I got chased by an angry man with a guitar…..

[DIGGER]

What does it mean when “HOLY WATER” sizzles when it hits your skin?…….

Just asking for a friend.

[Mooskee]

Over at a winemakers the taster died and management wanted to replace him with a winetaster. A blind drunkard with a ragged, dirty look came in to apply for the position.

Fearing potential community backlash, the head manager wondered how to send him away. He gave him a glass to drink.

Drunkard: It's a Muscat, three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers. Low grade, but acceptable.

Manager: "That's correct, have another glass...

Drunkard: This is a Cabernet, eight years old, a south-western slope, oak barrels, matured at 8 degrees. Requires three more years for finest results.

Manager : "Correct, what about this third glass?

Drunkard: "It's a Pinot Blanc Champagne, high grade and exclusive,''

The manager was astonished. He winked at his secretary, secretly suggesting something. She left the room, and came back in with a glass of urine.

The blind alcoholic tried it. "It's a blonde, 26 years old, three months pregnant and if I don't get the job I'll name the father."

[DIGGER]

Its time for me to re-home a dog.  He is some kind of a short haired terrier.   Great dog…very affectionate… very friendly…loves kids…..however he tends to bark a lot.  If you would like to have him for a pet call me at 351 8037 and I’ll jump the fence and get him for you.

[..]

Its time for me to re-home a dog.  He is some kind of a short haired terrier.   Great dog…very affectionate… very friendly…loves kids…..however he tends to bark a lot.  If you would like to have him for a pet call me at 351 8037 and I’ll jump the fence and get him for you.

Nice.

I really don't like barking dogs. Grates on me.

[Foozle]

This could be a Rodney Dangerfield story - though I never actually heard him recite it:

People often ask how I became a world class swimmer.  As it turns out, it's one of my earliest childhood memories.

There's a large, deep lake not far from the small town where I grew up - and at least once every summer, beginning when I was only 5 years old, my old man would row us out to the middle and I'd swim back to shore.

Even on a calm day, it was a difficult swim.  However, the real challenge was escaping from the burlap sack.

[Jess from VA]

Old but grinable.

Husband: I had a terrible row with my wife last night. But she crawled to me on her knees in the end.
Friend: Wow, that’s really impressive! What did she say?!
Husband: “Come out from under that sofa, you coward!”

How do you know if your husband is dead?
The sex is the same, but you get to use the remote.

Wife: Do you want dinner?
Husband: Sure, what are my choices?
Wife: Yes and no.

Doctor: "Your wife's in hospital."
Me: "How is she?"
Doctor: "I'm afraid she's critical."
Me: "Ah, you get used to that..."

[Jess from VA]

Spousal jokes from Jess............   Who would have thought that possible.

It has long been said that the best writing comes from people who write from personal experience.

[Wizzard]

We just found out Dad is addicted to Viagra and no one is taking it harder than Mom

[Grandpot]

What's the difference between Santa Claus and Tiger Woods?  Santa stopped at 3 Ho's.

[DIGGER]

A man and his wife lived on the edge of a golf course.   The husband played golf quite often for many many years.   Now he is in his 80s and his eyesight is starting to get bad.   He played a round one day and when he got home he told his wife “I guess Im going to have to give up golf.   When I hit the ball I cant see where it went.”   She said “why dont you take Henry next door with you tomorrow when you play.   I know Henry is 95 but he has excellent eye sight and he can see where your ball goes when you hit”.    The Husband said “That might work.   I’ll ask him.”    Next day on the 1st tee off box the husband gets his ball on the tee and is ready to hit.   He turns to Henry and says “Ok Henry…Im gonna hit.   You ready to watch where it goes?”   Henry says “Yeah…Im ready.”   The husband rears back and clobbers the ball.    He turns to Henry and says “Did you see where it went Henry?”   Henry replies “Yeah….I saw exactly where it went.”   The husband says “Well….where did it go?”    Henry replies “……...I forgot.”

[Serk]

Sixteen sodium atoms walk into a bar.

...followed by Bat Man.

[Valkorado]

Sixteen sodium atoms walk into a bar.

...followed by Bat Man.

Well, admittedly I Googled it up.  That's a stinker!   

[DIGGER]

A human skeleton (just bones) goes into a bar and tells the bartender “ hey barkeep….bring me a beer and a mop”.

[DIGGER]

 
A desperate looking woman stood poised on the edge of a cliff, about to jump off.
 
An old homeless Aussie bloke who was wandering by stopped and said, "Look, since you'll be dead in a few minutes, and it won't matter to you, how about a quickie before you go?”
 
She screamed, "NO!  Bugger off you filthy old bastard!”
 
He shrugged and turned away saying, "Okay then, I'll just go and wait at the bottom.”
 
She didn't jump.

See...Counseling can work!

[klb]

Old but funny...The Lone Ranger and Tonto were riding across
the plains for hours and went they got into town they tied their
horses up in front of the saloon. The Lone Ranger noticed that
his horse Silver was really hot and sweaty so he asked Tonto
to run around his horse to stir up some wind to cool him off.
After sitting at the bar for about 10 minutes drinking his drink
a guy came in and asked who owns the white horse out front.
The Lone Ranger said me why? The guy told him you left your
Injun running.

[John Schmidt]

This is bit different. Today I was at my daughter's place for a short time and her daughter, now 14 and a beautiful girl, had just got home from school. We have a warm relationship but she won't show it unless we're alone. I had on an old cowboy hat I sometimes wear to keep my head warm...she looks at it and smiled and shook her head and asked "grandpa why do you wear that old thing, you need something warmer and looks better." My daughter knew immediately where this was going...I kept a straight face and told her "it works fine, it's made of felt." She looked at me quizzically then walked up to me and removed it, then said "no it isn't."  I deadpanned and told her "now it is." She looked at me for a second, then slapped her forehead, giggled and walked away. My daughter Toni just stood there laughing, telling her she'd just been hooked by one of gramps oldest and corniest jokes. 

[Jess from VA]

I know it's a joke thread, but when anyone suggests I need to get out and do more or be more useful, it's no joke.  Mind your own business and I'll do the same.  

I was busy as hell for 50 years, and my guiding light is to not be busy anymore.    (beyond an hour or three at a time, after which I may have a nap, if I feel like it.)

All my neighbors put up lights outside this year and one wondered why I didn't.  I told him all holidays come and go at my house with little notice.  But looking out at night, they did look nice, so I hung a fancy Michael's wreath with lights on it in my picture window, and plug it in at night.  The whole operation took about five minutes of being busy. 

(I probably have 5000 lights in boxes around here from my more enthusiastic days.... I should probably give them away)

[cookiedough]

I know it's a joke thread, but when anyone suggests I need to get out and do more or be more useful, it's no joke.  Mind your own business and I'll do the same.  

I was busy as hell for 50 years, and my guiding light is to not be busy anymore.    (beyond an hour or three at a time, after which I may have a nap, if I feel like it.)

All my neighbors put up lights outside this year and one wondered why I didn't.  I told him all holidays come and go at my house with little notice.  But looking out at night, they did look nice, so I hung a fancy Michael's wreath with lights on it in my picture window, and plug it in at night.  The whole operation took about five minutes of being busy. 

(I probably have 5000 lights in boxes around here from my more enthusiastic days.... I should probably give them away)

same here,  have xmas stuff past 20 years but last few years empty nesters kids in college no one visits we do not decorate for holidays anymore.  We did sit outside a tree with lights on it in front by front door but too lazy to go turn on the lights in plug in at dark since would entail me to go outside yet again at 11 p.m. or so to shut them off and too cheap to go buy those programmable timers....

[John Schmidt]

Jess, that wreath still beat me by a mile. In fact, when I left my Florida home in 2019 I left an attic full of decorations Rita and I had gathered over our 30+ years together. It also included some boxes full of our annual purchase of a year specific tree bauble. Each one had the year inscribed on it, often with some message, and we bought one each year to add to the tree. It was kind of "our thing" each year but I had no use of any of it now.

PS: I'm with you on the "busy" thing, I don't punch a clock so don't feel the need to set the alarm on one. 

[Chrisj CMA]

[John Schmidt]

I didn't want to believe that my dad was stealing from his job as a traffic cop, but when I got home, all the signs were there.

This joke just reminded me of a teenage adventure of mine and a couple buddies one Halloween maybe 65-66 yrs. ago. I lived in a town(city?) of about 27k, small enough so you knew most of the cops and vice-versa. My best bud's dad was a Captain on the force and good for a joke and/or a prank. We three were walking down the street that evening and I was carrying at least a half dozen street signs over my shoulder when suddenly this squad car comes silently coasting up on us...my bud's dad sitting in the passenger seat. This rookie gets out and runs up to me asking about the signs I was carrying, so I told him I collected them so as to not get lost. I noticed my bud's dad start to grin but said nothing. The rookied asked me if I had any ID, to which I answered "yes" and said "hold these for me while I get it."  He held out his arms whereupon I handed him the sign posts we had collected...I could hear my bud's dad howling with laughter for at least the first 50 yds. as we disappeared into the night. I sometimes wish I could relive my HS years. 

[John Schmidt]

A single woman in her late 40's was becoming upset with life in general...unmarried and never being asked out on a date. A friend suggested she go see a particular oriental doctor that had a good reputation for solutions to personal problems, so she made an appointment...we'll call him Dr. Woo.

Upon arrival she was asked to describe her concern in great detail, after which the dr. said in his clipped accent "take off alla yu cloths." Although a bit shaken, she did as directed. Next, Dr. Woo said "get on yu hans & nees and crawl to other side of room." Again, she complied but a bit embarrassed. The the dr. told her to turn around and crawl back...to which she complied. Upon completing that exercise she got dressed and it was then the dr. told her the results; "madam, yu has what called edzackery disease." She was startled by this and asked what are the symptoms. Dr. Woo told her "it quite simple "...and in his Oriental clipped accent he says "yu face look edzachery like yu butt."

After my daughter signed me up for Silver Singles w/o my knowledge a few weeks ago, I find that "edzackery disease" is rather widespread. I have since cancelled, which cost her roughly $90 of nonrefundable 3 month enrollment fees. No matter your age(she's 53), there are still lessons to be learned.