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Jersey mike
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« Reply #961 on: March 24, 2024, 06:15:08 AM » |
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Ok so I’m terrible at jokes, remembering and telling jokes but I saw this yesterday;
“Screwdrivers and drills are now permitted on Boeing flights to allow passengers to help with maintenance”
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Willow
Administrator
Member
Posts: 16590
Excessive comfort breeds weakness. PttP
Olathe, KS
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« Reply #962 on: March 24, 2024, 12:33:37 PM » |
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My wife was picking out groceries for herself. She picked a package of chicken breasts.
"I try to avoid chicken breasts. I hate getting the tiny little nipples stuck between my teeth."
"Don't you ever get tired of that?"
"No. It's just as funny everytime I say it."
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LadyDraco
Member
Posts: 1843
TISE
Bastian, VA. Some of the best roads in the East
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« Reply #963 on: March 24, 2024, 05:18:38 PM » |
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Life is what you make of it~If it don't fit make alterations...
One does not speak unless one knows.
Never underestimate the power of a woman !
It's a Poor Craftsman who blames their Tools !
This is the way
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DIGGER
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« Reply #964 on: March 24, 2024, 07:12:55 PM » |
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Ok so I’m terrible at jokes, remembering and telling jokes but I saw this yesterday;
“Screwdrivers and drills are now permitted on Boeing flights to allow passengers to help with maintenance”
Haha |
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DIGGER
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« Reply #965 on: April 01, 2024, 04:08:06 PM » |
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A letter from the "Tooth Fairy".......
Dear Donovan,
I came to get your tooth last nite
But there were so many toys on the
floor that I tripped and fell and hurt myself.
I will come back tonight so please pick up
your toys and put them where they belong
so I dont fall and get hurt again.
The Tooth Fairy
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John Schmidt
Member
Posts: 15193
a/k/a Stuffy. '99 I/S Valk Roadsmith Trike
De Pere, WI (Green Bay)
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« Reply #966 on: April 01, 2024, 07:50:24 PM » |
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A letter from the "Tooth Fairy".......
Dear Donovan,
I came to get your tooth last nite
But there were so many toys on the
floor that I tripped and fell and hurt myself.
I will come back tonight so please pick up
your toys and put them where they belong
so I dont fall and get hurt again.
The Tooth Fairy
Mine worked the other way around. I put a couple $100 bills under my pillow and when I woke up I had a new set of choppers.  |
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DIGGER
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« Reply #967 on: April 02, 2024, 07:42:14 AM » |
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What did people do for entertainment back before internet and big screen tvs ?
I asked all 18 of my brothers and sisters and they didnt know either.....
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DIGGER
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« Reply #968 on: April 02, 2024, 08:31:03 AM » |
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It doesnt matter how big your house is...
Or how much money you have....
Or that you wear expensive clothes....
Our graves will be the same size....
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DIGGER
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« Reply #969 on: April 02, 2024, 08:33:59 AM » |
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EVERY WOMANS DREAM
Her "Ideal Man" takes her in his arms....
Picks her up and throws her on the bed....
Then cleans the whole house while she sleeps....
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DIGGER
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« Reply #970 on: April 02, 2024, 08:36:30 AM » |
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The "Brain" is the most amazing organ....
It works 24 hrs a day, 365 days a year....
From birth until you fall in love.....
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da prez
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« Reply #971 on: April 07, 2024, 04:42:55 AM » |
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What did one sagging boob say to the other sagging boob  " we better get some support before they think we're nuts".  da prez |
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ridingron
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« Reply #972 on: April 07, 2024, 08:15:29 PM » |
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The propeller on an airplane is there to keep the pilot cool. Shut it off and the pilot starts sweating.
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DIGGER
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« Reply #973 on: April 14, 2024, 02:56:07 AM » |
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You know you are a bad driver when....
Siri says "in 400 yds stop and let me out"
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DIGGER
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« Reply #974 on: April 14, 2024, 03:03:50 AM » |
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Sometimes the Universe will put you into the same set of circumstances....
To see if you are still a dummy....
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LadyDraco
Member
Posts: 1843
TISE
Bastian, VA. Some of the best roads in the East
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« Reply #975 on: April 14, 2024, 05:33:35 AM » |
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Life is what you make of it~If it don't fit make alterations...
One does not speak unless one knows.
Never underestimate the power of a woman !
It's a Poor Craftsman who blames their Tools !
This is the way
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DIGGER
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« Reply #976 on: April 14, 2024, 01:11:55 PM » |
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DIGGER
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« Reply #977 on: April 14, 2024, 07:15:56 PM » |
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LadyDraco
Member
Posts: 1843
TISE
Bastian, VA. Some of the best roads in the East
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« Reply #978 on: April 15, 2024, 06:06:25 AM » |
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 I have to share that one ..
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Life is what you make of it~If it don't fit make alterations...
One does not speak unless one knows.
Never underestimate the power of a woman !
It's a Poor Craftsman who blames their Tools !
This is the way
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DIGGER
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« Reply #980 on: April 17, 2024, 06:17:30 AM » |
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bassman
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« Reply #981 on: April 18, 2024, 05:12:36 PM » |
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I choked on a carrot this morning, and all I could think of was, "I'll bet a doughnut wouldn't have done this to me."
Nothing spoils a good story more than the arrival of an eyewitness. (Mark Twain)
It only takes one slow-walking person in the grocery store to destroy the illusion that I'm a nice person.
It turns out that when asked who your favourite child is, you're supposed to pick out one of your own. I know that now.
It's fine to eat a test grape in the produce section, but you take one bite of rotisserie chicken and it's all, "Sir, you need to leave!"
One thing no one ever talks about, when it comes to being an older adult, is how much time we devote to keeping a cardboard box because it is, you know, a really good box.
If you dropped something when you were younger, you just picked it up. When you're older and you drop something, you stare at it for just a bit contemplating if you actually need it anymore.
I like to make lists. I also like to leave them lying on the kitchen counter, and then guess what's on the list when I am at the store.
Ask your doctor if a drug with 32 pages of side effects is bad.
I just read a book about marriage that says treat your wife like you treated her on your first date. So tonight after dinner I'm dropping her off at her parent's house.
The best way to get back on your feet is to miss two car payments.
I love bacon. Sometimes I eat it twice a day. It takes my mind off the terrible chest pains I keep getting.
Driver: "What am I supposed to do with this speeding ticket?" Officer, "Keep it. When you collect four of them, you get a bicycle."
I asked a supermarket employee where they kept the canned peaches. He said, "I'll see," and walked away. I asked another and he also said, "I'll see," and walked away. In the end, I gave up and found them myself, in Aisle C.
I told my physical therapist that I broke my arm in two (2) places. He told me to stop going to those places.
I put our scale in the bathroom corner & that's where the little liar will stay until it apologises.
When I was a kid, I used to watch the ‘Wizard of Oz’ and wonder how someone could talk if they didn't have a brain. Then I got Facebook.
Do you ever get up in the morning, look in the mirror and think, "That can't be accurate!"
Apparently RSVP'ing to a wedding invitation with "Maybe next time" isn't the correct response.
A guy walks into a lumberyard and asks for some 2x4s. The clerk asks, "How long do you need them?" The guy answers, "A long time. We're gonna build a house.”
I just burned 1,200 calories. I forgot the pizza in the oven.
Who knew that the hardest thing about being an adult is figuring out what to fix for dinner and doing it every single night for the rest of your life until you die?
Instead of cleaning my house, I just watch an episode of "The Hoarders," and think, "Wow! My house looks great."
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Mooskee
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« Reply #982 on: April 19, 2024, 11:05:53 PM » |
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DIGGER
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« Reply #983 on: April 24, 2024, 05:54:09 PM » |
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From Facebook....
Employee: Boss I'm gonna need to take some time off.
Boss: my goodness...you ok?
Employee: not really....my wife died last night.
Boss: Oh no....I'm soooo sorry. Take all the time you need and come back when you can.
Employee: Thanks Boss....I should be back in about 8 years with good behavior.....
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DIGGER
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« Reply #984 on: April 24, 2024, 08:44:39 PM » |
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A lady had a male and a female dog and while mating they got hung up and couldnt separate. She called the local vet and asked what could be done to separate the two dogs. The vet said "Hang up your phone and then hold your phone up next to the male dogs ear and I will call back and the ringing of the phone will distract him and he will lose his erection and then they can separate."
The lady replied " Do you really think that will work?"
The vet said "Just worked on me!!!"
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LadyDraco
Member
Posts: 1843
TISE
Bastian, VA. Some of the best roads in the East
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« Reply #985 on: April 27, 2024, 04:03:03 AM » |
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A 5 year old boy walks up to his mother in the kitchen and asks, "Mommy, why do dogs have puppies and cats have kittens but big trains don't have little trains?"
Not wanting to explain the facts of life to her son quite yet, she says, "I don't know. Why don't you go ask your father?"
So he walks into the living room and asks his father, "Daddy, why do dogs have puppies and cats have kittens but big trains don't have little trains?"
Also not wanting to have this conversation, the father just replies, "I don't know, son. Why don't you just walk down to the railyard and ask someone there?"
So the boy walks to the railyard down the street where he sees an engineer standing next to a locomotive. "Mister," the boy asks, "why do dogs have puppies and cats have kittens but big trains don't have little trains?"
The engineer smiles and says, "Son, that's because the Union Pacific always pulls out on time."
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Life is what you make of it~If it don't fit make alterations...
One does not speak unless one knows.
Never underestimate the power of a woman !
It's a Poor Craftsman who blames their Tools !
This is the way
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DIGGER
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« Reply #986 on: April 28, 2024, 04:05:32 PM » |
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John Schmidt
Member
Posts: 15193
a/k/a Stuffy. '99 I/S Valk Roadsmith Trike
De Pere, WI (Green Bay)
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« Reply #987 on: April 30, 2024, 06:36:32 PM » |
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Yesterday I bought a world map, then gave Nancy a dart and told her to "throw it and wherever it lands I'll take you for your birthday." We're spending three weeks behind the couch! |
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DIGGER
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« Reply #988 on: May 01, 2024, 05:22:51 AM » |
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Yesterday I bought a world map, then gave Nancy a dart and told her to "throw it and wherever it lands I'll take you for your birthday." We're spending three weeks behind the couch! Hahaha.....good one |
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vanagon40
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« Reply #989 on: May 01, 2024, 04:50:35 PM » |
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If you think you are smarter than the previous generation, fifty years ago an owner's manual showed you how to adjust the valves of your car. Today it warns you not to drink the contents of the battery.
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Challenger
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« Reply #990 on: May 01, 2024, 06:26:33 PM » |
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If you think you are smarter than the previous generation, fifty years ago an owner's manual showed you how to adjust the valves of your car. Today it warns you not to drink the contents of the battery.
Aint it the truth? |
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DIGGER
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« Reply #992 on: May 05, 2024, 08:56:51 AM » |
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I just realized why they call this month "May".
It may rain...
It may snow...
It may be 80 degrees....
It may be 20 degrees...
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DIGGER
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« Reply #993 on: May 05, 2024, 10:33:20 AM » |
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Dad: "You should become a cop...."
Daughter: "Why should I become a cop?"....
Dad: "Well, you chase the same kind of guys they do....might as well get paid for it....."
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DIGGER
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« Reply #994 on: May 08, 2024, 11:10:50 AM » |
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There is a story circulating on social media:
The trainer, the jockey, the horse, and the owner of the Kentucky Derby have been invited to the whitehouse for a ceremony and pictures with the President. The owner replied " If we wanted to look at a horse's ass we would have came in second!".
Haha.....upon going to several fact check websites it has been determined that it didnt really happen.....
But it is still FUUUNNNIIIIEEEE!!
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John Schmidt
Member
Posts: 15193
a/k/a Stuffy. '99 I/S Valk Roadsmith Trike
De Pere, WI (Green Bay)
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« Reply #995 on: May 09, 2024, 09:53:29 AM » |
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Credit to Face Book... ============================================================= I recently bought a new stick deodorant. The instructions said to remove cap and push up bottom. Makes it uncomfortable to walk but when I fart the room sure smells nice.  |
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DIGGER
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« Reply #996 on: May 10, 2024, 06:45:45 PM » |
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A man and his wife were always arguing and one day they had a big argument and she stormed out of the house and went to the grocery store where she was arrested for shoplifting a can of peaches.
When she went before the judge he asked her....
Judge: " why did you shoplift the can of peaches?"
The wife: "I was hungry and I forgot my wallet".
Judge: " How many peaches were in the can?"
The wife: "There were 9 peaches in the can".
Judge: "I find you guilty and I sentence you to 9 days in jail... one day in jail for each peach."
The Husband spoke up....."Judge.... can I say something?"
Judge:" Yes you may"
The husband: "She stole a bag of rice too."
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DIGGER
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« Reply #997 on: May 13, 2024, 07:04:03 PM » |
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Two guys talking and one says " my wife and I had a argument last night".
The other guy said "what started it?"
He said " she told me she wanted a little peace and quiet while cooking diner last night.....soooo...I took the batteries out of the smoke detector......and then she got mad."
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bassman
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« Reply #998 on: May 18, 2024, 05:34:18 AM » |
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A blonde teenager, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a "handy-woman"
She started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.
"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said, "How much will you charge me?"
Delighted, the girl quickly responded, "How about $50?"
The man agreed and told her that the paint brushes and everything she would need was in the garage.
The man's wife, hearing the conversation said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?"
He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?"
The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes we've been getting by email lately."
Later that day, the blonde teenager came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" the startled husband asked.
"Yes, she replied, and I even had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."
Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her along with a $10.00 tip.
“And, by the way," the teenager added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus."
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LadyDraco
Member
Posts: 1843
TISE
Bastian, VA. Some of the best roads in the East
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« Reply #999 on: May 18, 2024, 12:40:41 PM » |
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Life is what you make of it~If it don't fit make alterations...
One does not speak unless one knows.
Never underestimate the power of a woman !
It's a Poor Craftsman who blames their Tools !
This is the way
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