Just to make you feel better (HUMOR)

[fuzzy2bucks]

Golf ball and the cow


A man staggers into an emergency room with two black
eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.
Naturally the doctor asks him what happened.


"Well, it was like this," said the man. "I was having a
quiet round of golf with my wife when she sliced her ball
into a pasture of cows.


We went to look for it and while I
was rooting around, I noticed one of the cows had something
white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail
and sure enough, there was my wife's golf ball stuck right
in the middle of the cow's butt. That's when I made my
mistake."


"What did you do?" asks the doctor.


"Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, "Hey, this
looks like yours!"

[fuzzy2bucks]

Drunks



A policeman in a patrol car was parked outside a bar watching the
patrons leave.


About the time of last call the officer noticed a man leaving
the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the
parking  lot for a few minutes with the officer quietly observing. After what
seemed  an eternity, as he tried his keys on five different vehicles, the man
managed  to find his car which he fell into.


He sat there for a few minutes as
a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off.
 
Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a
fine,  dry summer night) -- flicked the blinkers on, then off a couple of
times,  honked the horn and then switched on the lights.

He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained still for a
few  more minutes as some more of the other patron vehicles left.
 
At last, the parking lot empty, he pulled out of the parking lot and
started to drive slowly down the road.
 
The police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started
up  the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, and promptly pulled the
man over  and carried out a breathalyzer test. To his amazement the breathalyzer
indicated no evidence of the man having consumed any alcohol at all!

 
Dumbfounded, the officer said, "I'll have to ask you to accompany me
to the  police station. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken."

 
"I doubt it," said the man.


*


*



*




*

"Tonight I'm the designated decoy."

[fuzzy2bucks]

After Life-


A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other of the afterlife.


Their biggest fear was there was no afterlife.  After a long life, the husband was the first to go and, true to his word, he made contact:


"Mary...Mary"



"Is that you, Larry?"



"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."



"What's it like?"



"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and off to the golf course and I have sex.  I bathe in the sun, then I have sex twice, have lunch, another romp around the golf course, then sex pretty much all afternoon.  After supper, It's to the golf course again. Then I have sex until late at night. The next day, it starts over again."


"Oh Larry, you surely must be in heaven."

*


*



*



*




"Not exactly, I'm a rabbit on a golf course in Tucon, Arizona"

[Sludge]

Thanks Fuzzy.  Those were good ones 

[HayHauler]

U da man Fuzz!!  Most are good ones that I haven't heard before. 

Hay
Jimmyt

[fuzzy2bucks]

Biker pulled over by cop



A drunk biker is riding through the city and his bike is weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over.


The cop says to the biker, "Where have you been?"


"I've been to the Tavern," slurs the biker. "Well," says the cop, "It looks like you've had quite a few."


"I did all right," the biker says with a smile. "Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell off the bike?"

*



*



*



"Oh, thank heavens" sighs the biker. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."

[fuzzy2bucks]

The Bike Mechanic and the Surgeon



A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Harley motorcycle when he spotted a well-known heart surgeon in his shop.


The surgeon was waiting for the service manager to take a look at his bike.


The mechanic shouted across the garage,


 "Hey Doc, can I ask you a question?"


The surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I open its 'heart', take valves out, fix'em, put'em back in; and when I finish, it works just like new...


So how come I get such a measly salary and you get the really big bucks when you and I are doing basically the same kind of work?"
*



*



*






 The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over, and whispered to the mechanic, "Try doing it with the engine running."










`

[fuzzy2bucks]

Biker Lady



This biker lady has a heart attack and is taken to the hospital. While on the operating table, she had a near death experience.


Seeing God, she asked, "Is my time up?" God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months, and 8 days to live."


Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a facelift, liposuction, and tummy tuck. Since she had so much more time to live, new roads to ride, she figured she might as well look even nicer.



After her last operation, she was released from the hospital.


While riding her motorcycle home, she was run into by a delivery truck and killed.


Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 40+ years?


 How come you didn't pull me out of the path of that freakin' truck?"

*


*


*







God replied, "I didn't recognize you."

[fuzzy2bucks]

Trickery



 ...
A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy, cold Monday morning; it's a bad one.

Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them is ! hurt. God works in mysterious ways.


After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So.... you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days".

Flattered, the man replies, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely, this must be a sign from God."


The woman continues, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."



Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.

The woman takes the bottle and immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.

*



*




*


The man asks, "Aren't you having any?" The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police...."

[fuzzy2bucks]

How to bathe a cat



 1. Thoroughly clean toilet.


 2. Lift both lids and add shampoo.


 3. Find and soothe cat as you carry it to the bathroom.


 4. In one swift move, place cat in toilet, close both lids and stand on lids, so cat cannot escape.



  5. The cat will self agitate and produce ample suds. (Ignore ruckus from inside toilet, cat is enjoying this).



 6. Flush toilet 3 or 4 times. This provides power rinse, which is quite effective.



 7. Have someone open outside door, stand as far from toilet as possible and quickly lift both lids.



 8. Clean cat will rocket out of the toilet and outdoors, where it will air dry.

[fuzzy2bucks]

You got to be ****ting me


 
Well, it just happens to have originated through the Father of our Country, way back when George Washington was crossing the Delaware River with his troops.


There were 33 (remember this number) in Washington's boat.
It was extremely dark and storming furiously and the water was tossing them about. Finally, Washington grabbed Corporal Peters (remember this name) and stationed him at the front of the boat with a lantern. He ordered him to keep swinging it, so they could see where they were heading. Corporal Peters, through driving rain and cold, continued swinging the lantern back and forth, back and forth.
 



Then a big gust of wind and a wave hit throwing Corporal Peters and his lantern into the Delaware.Washington and his troops searched for nearly an hour trying to find Corporal Peters, but to no avail. All of them felt terrible, for the Corporal had been one of their favorites.



Sometime later, Washington and his troops landed on the other side, wet and totally exhausted. He rallied the troops and told them that they must go on. Another hour later, one of his men said, "General, I see lights ahead.





"They trudged toward the lights and came upon a huge house. What they didn't know, was that this was a house of ill repute hidden in the forest to serve all who came.


 

General Washington pounded on the door, his men crowding around him.The door swung open, and much to his surprise stood a beautiful woman. A huge smile came across her face, to see so many men standing there.




Washington was the first to speak, "Madam, I am General George Washington, and these are my men. We are tired, wet, exhausted, and desperately need warmth and comfort."




Again, the Madam looked at all the men standing there, and with a broad smile on her face, said, "Well, General, you have come to the right place. We can surely give you warmth and comfort. How many men do you have?"




Washington replied, "Well, madam, there are 32 of us without Peters"




And the Madam said, "You gotta be ****tin' me!"

[fuzzy2bucks]

Weekly Offering



One Sunday, in counting the money in the weekly offering,the pastor of a small Florida Church found a pink envelope containing $1000.


It happened again the next week.  The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected and saw a little old lady put the distinctive pink envelope in the plate.


This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her.

 "Ma'am, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a  week in the collection plate," he said  "Why yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money, and I give some of it to the church."


The pastor replied, "That's wonderful, how much does he send  you?"  The old lady said, "$10,000 a week."


The pastor was amazed and said, "Your son is very  successful; what does he do for a living?"  "He's a Veterinarian," she answered.


"That is an honorable profession," the pastor said.  "Where  does he practice?    The old lady said proudly, "In Nevada".
*


*



*

 He has two cat houses in Las Vegas and one in Reno."

[Westernbiker]

PG13

Two nuns were riding a bicycle built for two down to the market in Italy. The nun in the back says, "I have never come this way before" The nun in front says "It must be the cobble stones"

[Westernbiker]

PG13

A little girl walks into a barber shop eating a snack. The barber says, "Young lady, you're getting hair on your Twinkie." She says, "I know and I'm getting boobs too!"

[fuzzy2bucks]

That last one is a keeper

[Westernbiker]

Thanks, it's an old one but reading and laughing at all yours has gotten me thinking of old ones again.

[fuzzy2bucks]

Ossama



While trying to escape through Pakistan, Osama Bin Laden found a Bottle
on a beach and picked it up.


Suddenly, a female genie rose from the bottle and with a smile said
"Master, may I grant you one wish?"


"You ignorant, unworthy daughter-of-a-dog! Don't you know who I am?
I don't need any common woman giving me anything" barked Bin Laden.


The shocked genie said "Please, I must grant you a wish or I will be
returned to that bottle forever."


Osama thought a moment, then grumbled about the impertinence of the woman
and said "Very well, I want to awaken with three American women in my bed
in the morning. So just do it and be off with you!"


The annoyed genie said, "So be it!" and disappeared.

*



*




*


The next morning Bin Laden woke up in bed with -
Lorena Bobbitt, Tonya Harding,and Ms Pelosie.


His thingy was gone, his knees were broken, and he had no real health
insurance.

[fuzzy2bucks]

Only in America




1.Only in America...can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.



2.Only in America...are there handicap-parking places in front of a skating rink.



3.Only in America...do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.



4.Only in America...do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet Coke.



5.Only in America...do banks leave both doors to the vault open and then chain the pens to the

 counters.

6.Only in America...do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.



7.Only in America...do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.



8.Only in America...do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.



9.Only in America...do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: Polio' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.



10.Only in America...do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

[fuzzy2bucks]

T G I F



A blonde gets in an elevator and sees a man standing there.
 

She tells him, "TGIF, sir,"


to which he replies, "S   -  H  -  I  -  T, ma'am."


Surprised, she replies, "Excuse me, I was just trying to be nice

— T stands for 'Thank,' G stands for 'goodness,' I stands for 'it's,' and F stands for 'Friday.'



The man replies, "S stands for 'Sorry,' H stands for 'honey,' I stands for 'it's,' and T stands for 'Thursday.'

[fuzzy2bucks]

HayHauler, 

Me too, never heard most of the jokes I've posted either.

Gnarley Jockster   Fuzzy2bucks

[fuzzy2bucks]

Who does what?


A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.

 
The wife said, “You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don’t have to wait as long to get our coffee.”



The husband said, “You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee.”



Wife replies, “No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee.”


Husband replies, “I can’t believe that, show me.”


So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says. . .

*



*




*





*


.........."HEBREWS"

[fuzzy2bucks]

Two women arrive at the Pearly gates



Two women are new arrivals at the pearly gates and are comparing stories on how they died:


1st woman: "I froze to death."


2nd woman: "How horrible!" 1st woman: "It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?"


2nd woman: "I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to try to catch him in the act.



Instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV." 1st woman: "So what happened?"


2nd woman: "I was so sure there was another woman in the house that I ran up into the attic and searched, then down into the basement. I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died."

*



*



*


*

1st woman: "Too bad you didn't look in the freezer --- we'd both still be alive." 

[fuzzy2bucks]

Daddy Long Legs




A father watched his daughter playing in the garden.  He smiled as he
reflected on how sweet and innocent his little girl was.


 Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground.  He went over to her and noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.


 "Daddy, what are those spiders doing?" she asked.  "They're mating," her father replied.


"What do you call the spider on top, Daddy?" she asked. "That's a Daddy Long Legs." her father answered. 


"So, the other one is Mommy Long Legs?" the little girl asked. "No," her father replied.  "Both of them are Daddy Long Legs."


*


*


 The little girl thought for a moment, then took her foot and stomped them flat and said, "Well, it might be OK in California or Massachusetts, but we're not having any of that crap here in Texas."


. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
(I knew there was a reason I liked Texas)

[fuzzy2bucks]

Lion Tamers wanted



A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two young
people show up. One is a good looking lad in his mid-
twenties and the other is a gorgeous blonde about the same
age.



The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it
-- this is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you
guys better be good or you're history. Here's your
equipment: chair, whip and a gun. Who wants to try out
first?" The girl says, "I'll go first."



She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps
right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and
pant and begins to charge at her. About half way there, she
throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body.




The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to
her and starts licking her ankles. He continues to lick
her calves, kisses them and rests his head at her feet.




The circus owner's mouth is on the floor. He says, "I've
never seen a display like that in my life." He then
turns to the young man and asks, "Can you top that?"




The young man replies. "No problem, just get that lion
out of the way."

[Westernbiker]

LMAO! GOOD ONE!

[Westernbiker]

A guy sitting at the lunch counter says. "Hey waitress....There's a hair on my hamburger!" The waitress says, "Follow me." He follows her into the kitchen and there's the cook standing there totally naked. He's flattening a hamburger patty under his arm., The guy says, "That's disgusting!" The waitress says, "You think this is bad. You should see him make doughnuts."

[Westernbiker]

A guy sitting at a lunch counter notices a waitress walk by with a hamburger under her arm. He says, "Excuse me miss, but why do you have that hamburger under your arm?" She says, "I'm keeping it warm." He says, "Cancell my hot dog."

[Gunslinger]

Indian Winter

It's  late Fall, and the Indians on a remote reservation in South Dakota asked  their new chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or  mild. Since he was a chief  in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets. When he  looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be  like. Nevertheless,  to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed  going to be cold and that the members of the village  should  collect firewood to be prepared.

But, being a  practical leader, after several days, he got an idea. He went to the phone  booth, called the National Weather Service and asked,
'Is  the  coming winter going to be cold?'
'It looks like  this winter is going to be quite cold,' the meteorologist  at the weather service responded.

So the chief went  back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order  to be prepared. A week later, he  called the National Weather Service again.
'Does it still look like it  is going to be a very cold winter?'
'Yes,' the man at  National Weather Service again replied, 'it's going to be a very cold  winter.'

The chief again went  back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood  they could find. Two weeks later, the  chief called the National Weather Service again.
'Are you absolutely  sure that the winter is going to be very cold?'
'Absolutely,' the  man replied.  'It's looking more and more like it is going to be  one of the coldest winters we've ever seen.'
'How can you  be so sure?' the chief asked.
The weatherman  replied, 'The Indians are collecting a $h!+load of  firewood.'

[fuzzy2bucks]

It's all in the wording. . .



A woman walks into her accountant's office and tells him that she
needs to file her taxes.



The accountant says: "Before we begin, I'll need to ask you a few
questions."



He gets her name, address, social security number, etc, and then asks,
"What is your occupation?" I'm a whore," she says.



The accountant balks and says, "No, No, No, that won't work; too
gross. Let's try to rephrase that."



The woman says, "OK, I'm a high-end call girl."



"Sorry, that is still too crude. Try again."



They both think for a minute, then the woman says, "How about 'elite
chicken farmer.'"



Stunned, the accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do
with being a high-end call girl?"

*

`

*


`

"Well, I raised over a thousand little peckers last year."

"Good enough!"

[fuzzy2bucks]

Flat as a pancake



A flat-chested young lady went to Dr. Smith about enlarging her tiny breasts. Dr. Smith advised her, "Every day after your shower rub your chest and say, "Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies."



She did this faithfully for several months and it worked! She grew terrific D-cup boobs! One morning she was running late, got on the bus and in a panic realised she had forgotten her morning ritual.




Frightened she might lose her lovely boobs if she didn't recite the little rhyme, she stood right there in the middle aisle of the bus closed her eyes and said, "Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies."




A guy sitting nearby looked at her, "By any chance, are you a patient of Dr. Smith's?" "Why, yes I am... How did you know?" He leaned closer, winked and whispered, "Hickory dickory dock..."

[fuzzy2bucks]

Ex-wife


A man and his wife are dining at a table in a plush restaurant, and the husband keeps staring at a drunken lady swigging her gin as she sits alone at a nearby table. The wife asks, "Do you know her?"



"Yes," sighs the husband, "She's my ex-wife. She took to drinking right after we divorced seven years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since."



"My gosh!" says the wife, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?









`

[fuzzy2bucks]

Gal walks into a Bar



Lena was walking down the sidewalk one blistering hot July day when she came across a bar.


Now Lena doesn't drink much but it was so hot out she couldn't pass up something cool to drink.


She walked in and sat at the bar. The bartender asked what she would like, and she sad "Oh- I
guess I'll have a beer".


The bartender replied "OK....um... Anhauser Busch?"    At that Lena blushed a deep shade of red, chuckled and said "Oh fine tanks, an how's yer long tool?"









`

[fuzzy2bucks]

Two tall trees and a Woodpecker



Two tall trees , a birch and a beech , are growing in the woods.



A small tree begins to grow between them.



The beech says to the birch:



"Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch ?"



The birch says it can`t tell.



Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling.The birch says:



"Woodpecker , you are a tree expert. Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch ?"



The woodpecker takes a small taste of the sapling and replies:



"It is neither a son of a beech or a son of a birch. It is  , however , the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in !"









`

[fuzzy2bucks]

Blonde in the Everglades



A young blonde was on vacation and driving through the Everglades.


She wanted to take home a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way,


but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were  asking.


 After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle on prices" attitude


 of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Well then, maybe I'll  just


 go out and catch my own alligator, so I can get a pair of shoes for  free!"


 The shopkeeper said with a sly, knowing smile, "Little lady, just  go  and


 give it a try!"


 The blonde headed out toward the swamps, determined to catch an   alligator.


 Later in the day, as the shopkeeper is driving home, he pulls over to


 the side of the levee where he spots that same young woman standing  waist


 deep in the murky bayou water, shotgun in hand.


 Just then, he spots a huge 9-foot gator swimming rapidly toward her.


 With lightning speed, she takes aim, kills the creature and hauls it


 onto the slimy bank of the swamp.


 Lying nearby were 7 more of the dead creatures, all lying on their  backs.


 The shopkeeper stood on the bank, watching in silent amazement.


 The blonde struggled and flipped the gator onto its back.


 Rolling her eyes heavenward and screaming in great frustration, she


 shouts out .


Golley...      THIS ONE'S BAREFOOT TOO!"

 
 

[fuzzy2bucks]

Nair and the Vet



My neighbor found out her dog could hardly hear so she took it to the veterinarian.


He discovered that the problem was hair in its ears so he cleaned both ears and the dog could hear fine.


The vet then proceeded to tell the lady that if she wanted to keep this from reoccurring she should go to the store and get some Nair hair remover and rub it in its ears once a month.


The lady goes to the drug store and gets some Nair.


At the register the druggist tells her, "If you're going to use this under your arms don't use deodorant for a few days."


The lady says "I'm not using it under my arms."


The druggist says "If you're using it on your legs don't shave for a couple of days."


The lady says "I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I'm using it on my schnauzer."


The druggist says "Stay off your bicycle or make whoopi for a week."

[fuzzy2bucks]

Ferrari VS the Moped




A hip young man goes out and buys a 2001 Ferrari 360 Spider. It is the best convertible sports car, costing about $250,000.


He takes it out for a spin and while stopping for a red light, an old man on a moped, wearing an open face crash helmet (looking about 70 years old) pulls up next to him.


The old man looks over the sleek, shiny red surface of the car and asks, "What kind of car ya' got there, sonny?"


The young man replies, "A 2001 Ferrari 360 Spider. They cost about a quarter of a million dollars!"
"That's a lot of money," says the old man, shocked. "Why does it cost so much?"


"Because this car can do over 200 miles an hour!" states the cool dude proudly.
The moped driver asks, "Can I take a look inside?"
"Sure," replies the owner.



So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Leaning back on his moped, the old man says, "That's a pretty nice car, all right!"


Just then the light changes so the guy decides to show the old man what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 220 mph. Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer!



He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly, whhhoooossshhh! Something whips by him, going much faster! "What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?!" the young man asks himself.



Then, ahead of him, he sees a dot coming toward him. Whoooooosh! It goes by again, heading the opposite direction! And it almost looked like the old man on the moped!


"Couldn't be," thinks the guy. "How could a moped outrun a Ferrari?!" Again, he sees a dot in his rear view mirror! Whooooosh Ka-BbblaMMM! The moped plows into the back of his car, demolishing the rear end. The young man jumps out, and it IS the old man!!! Of course, the moped and the old man are hurting for certain.



He runs up to the old man and says, "You gotta tell me how you got that thing to be faster than my Ferrari !"


The old man looks up and replies, "OK..., but first, unhook my suspenders from your side-view mirror, will ya?"









`

[fuzzy2bucks]

It's been a bad year so far



It's been a tough year but we'll make it.

 

The economy is so bad that  I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

 

I ordered a burger at McDonald's, and the kid behind the counter asked, "Can you afford fries with that?"

 

CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

 

If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficiant Funds," you have to call them and ask if they mean you or them.

 

Hot Wheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than GM.

 

McDanald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer.

 

Parents in Beverly Hills and Malibu are firing their nannies and learning their children's  names.

 

A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico.

 

Dick Cheney took his stock broker hunting.

 

Motel Six won't leave the light on anymore.

 

The Mafia is laying off judges.

 

BP oil layed off 25 congressmen.

[Jess Tolbirt]

Motel Six won't leave the light on anymore.

thats the best one rat there....

[fuzzy2bucks]

Blind Skydiver



A blind man was describing his favorite sport - skydiving. When asked how this was accomplished, he said that things were all done for him. "I am placed in the door and told when to jump," he said. "My hand is placed on my release ring for me, and out I go."
 

"But how do you know when you are going to land?" he was asked.



"I have a very keen sense of smell and I can smell the trees and grass when I am 300 feet from the ground," he answered.



"But how do you know when to lift your legs for the final arrival on the ground?" he was again asked.


 

He quickly answered, "Oh, my dog's leash goes slack."










`

[fuzzy2bucks]

THE MODERN DAY HOLIDAY GREETING CARD



Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, my best wishes for an environmentally conscious low carbon footprint, socially responsible, low-stress, non-addictive, low saturated fat, smoke free, gender-neutral celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasion and/or traditions of all other faiths and minorities or those who choose not to practice religious or secular traditions at all.


 
By accepting these greetings you are accepting these terms - This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal. It is freely transferable with no alteration to the original greeting.


It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for herself or himself or others and is void where prohibited by law and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher. This wish is warranted to perform as expected within the usual applications of good tidings for a period of one year or until the issuance of any subsequent holiday greetings, whichever comes first, and the warranty is limited to replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wisher.


Seasons Greetings from me and my attorney








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