Just to make you feel better (HUMOR)

[Westernbiker]

Do you know why they call the middle part of a woman the "waist?" Because there is room for a couple of more boobs.

[fuzzy2bucks]

Trying to think of the punch line or word  for "waist",  before I read it and my brain could only come

up  with Freddie Fenders "Wasted days and Wasted nights"......   ... me
 

[Westernbiker]

Trying to think of the punch line or word  for "waist",  before I read it and my brain could only come

up  with Freddie Fenders "Wasted days and Wasted nights"......   ... me
 

LMAO!!!!!

[fuzzy2bucks]

Lady holds her brains in with both hands for over an hour.













`

[fuzzy2bucks]

Why men shouldn't take messages

[Westernbiker]

Monica's Dress

Monica Lewinski goes into the cleaners with a dress to be cleaned. As she enters, she sees that Mr. Smith, the owner, is in the back.

She yells, " Mr. Smith, Mr. Smith, It's Monica. I have a dress to be cleaned."

Mr. Smith, who is hard of hearing, replies, "Come again?"

Monica says, "No, it's gravy this time!"

[Willow]

Lady holds her brains in with both hands for over an hour.

Cute story but the newspaper clip isn't real.


http://www.snopes.com/crime/safety/biscuit.asp

[Garfield]

Just Think .............................

If the Indians had given the Pilgrims a donkey instead of a turkey, we would all be having a piece of Azz this Thanksgiving!! 

[fuzzy2bucks]

I thought it was obvious the newspaper looking clip would be recognized for not being real when the last words were  "Lisa is Blonde".

[fuzzy2bucks]

Dead Parrot



At dawn the telephone rings, "Hello, Senor Rod? This is Ernesto, the caretaker at your country house."


"Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"


"Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor Rod, that your parrot, he is dead".
 

"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?"
 

"Si, Senor, that's the one."


"Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?"
 

"From eating the rotten meat, Senor Rod."
 

"Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?"
 

"Nobody, Senor. He ate the meat of the dead horse. "
 

"Dead horse? What dead horse?"
 

"The thoroughbred, Senor Rod."
 

"My prize thoroughbred is dead?"
 

"Yes, Senor Rod, he died from all that work pulling the water cart."


"Are you insane? What water cart?"


"The one we used to put out the fire, Senor."


"Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?"


"The one at your house, Senor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire."
 

"What the hell? Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a candle?!"
 

"Yes, Senor Rod."


"But there's electricity at the house! What was the candle for?"
 

"For the funeral, Senor Rod."


"WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL??!!"


"Your wife's, Senor Rod". She showed up very late one night and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new Ping G15 204g titanium head golf club with the TFC 149D graphite shaft."


SILENCE...........

 

 

 
*
 

 

 

 

LONG SILENCE.........

 

 

 *

 

 

 

 

VERY LONG SILENCE..........

 

 

 *

 

 

 

 

 "Ernesto, if you broke that driver, you're in deep do-do."

[fuzzy2bucks]

What's the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb?





*







*

You can un-screw a light bulb.

[Westernbiker]

I thought it was obvious the newspaper looking clip would be recognized for not being real when the last words were  "Lisa is Blonde".

 DUH!

[Westernbiker]

THE SERVICE

One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex was staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church.

It was covered with names, and small American flags were mounted on either side of it.

The seven-year-old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the boy, and said quietly, "Good morning, Alex."

"Good morning," replied the young man, still focused on the plaque.

"What is this?" Alex asked.

"Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service."

Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque.

Little Alex's voice was trembling and barely audible when he asked, "Which service, the 9:45 or the 11:15?"

[Westernbiker]

4 SONS

These 4 gents go out to play golf one sunny morning. One is detained in the clubhouse, and the other three are discussing their children while walking to the first tee.
"My son Kent," says one, "has made quite a name for himself in the home-building industry. He began as a carpenter, but now owns his own design and construction firm. He's so successful in fact, in the last year he was able to give a good friend a brand new home as a gift."

The second man, no to be out done, tells how his son began his career as a car salesman, but now owns a multi-line dealership. "Norm's so successful, in fact, in the last six months he gave his friend two brand new cars as a gift."

The third man's son, Greg, has worked his way up through a stock brokerage, and in the last few weeks has given a good friend a large stock portfolio as a gift.

As the fourth man arrives at the tee, another tells him that they have been discussing their progeny and asks what line his son is in.

"To tell the truth, I'm not very pleased with how my son turned out," he replies. "For 15 years, Chico's been a hairdresser, and I've just recently discovered he's gay. However, on the bright side, he must be good at what he does because his last three boyfriends have given him a brand new house, two cars, and a big pile of stock certificates."

[fuzzy2bucks]

BAD Parrot



A  young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The
parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse  vocabulary.


Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious
and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to
change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only
polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could
think of to 'clean up' the bird's vocabulary.


Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot.
The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the
parrot got angrier and even more rude John, in desperation,
threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the
freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked
and screamed.



Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard
for over a minute.



Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened
the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out
onto John's outstretched arms and said "I believe I
may have offended you with my rude language and
actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my
inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do
everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."



John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude.



As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a
dramatic change in his behavior, the bird spoke-up, very
softly, "May I ask what that poor turkey did?"
 
 
 

[Westernbiker]

"...My husband and I are getting a divorce because of
religious differences. I'm Methodist and he's Satan."


 

[Westernbiker]

The other day the White House Chief of Staff asked President Clinton: "What should we do about the abortion bill, Mr president?"

Clinton responds: Just pay it!

[Westernbiker]

A traffic cop pulls a car driver over for speeding and asks him to get out of the car. After looking the man over he says, "Sir, I couldn't help but notice your eyes are a little bloodshot. Have you been drinking?"
The man gets really angry at this and says, "Officer, I couldn't help but notice your eyes are glazed. Have you been eating doughnuts?"

[Westernbiker]

Tourist: Is that chin-strap to keep your helmet on?
Policeman: No, sir, it's to rest my jaw on after answering stupid questions. 

[fuzzy2bucks]

Someone lose this ?




*










*









*

[fuzzy2bucks]

Tree Hugger



A woman from Los Angeles, who was a tree hugger and an anti-hunter, purchased a piece of timberland.


There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract.


She wanted a good view of the natural splendor of her land so she started to climb the big tree. As she neared the top she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her.



In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her crotch.



In considerable pain, she hurried to the nearest doctor.


She told him she was an environmentalist and an anti-hunter and how she came to get all the splinters.


The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go into the examining room and he would see if he could help her.



She sat and waited three hours before the doctor reappeared. The angry woman demanded, "What took you so long?"



He smiled and then told her, "Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a recreational area.



I'm sorry, but they turned me down hun."

[fuzzy2bucks]

Watchout for those little red X's on your computer monitor.













`

[fuzzy2bucks]

Nice  smelling   `   h a i r



Every day, a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady standing at the coffee machine, inhales a

big breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice.



After a week of this, she can't stand it and takes her complaint to a supervisor in the personnel department and states that she wants to file a sexual harassment grievance against him.



The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled by this decision and asks, "What's sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?"





`
The woman replies, "It's Keith, the midget."

[fuzzy2bucks]

Doctor request a Sperm Count




An 85-year-old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count.


The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."


The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.



The doctor asked what happened and the man explained:



"Well, doc, it's like this - first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.


Then I asked my wife for help.  She tried with her right hand, then her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out and still nothing.



We even called up Arlene, the lady next door, and she tried too, first with both hands and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing."



The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbour?"


~~~  Love this one!!!!   ~~~



*

 

 

*


 

The old man replied, "Yep, but none of us could get the jar open."

[fuzzy2bucks]

Hot Summer Night Cure




When things get too hot for him on a hot summer night...



Husband: “Oh, come on.”



Wife: “Leave me alone!”



Husband: “It won't take long.”



Wife: “I won't be able to sleep afterwards.”



Husband: “I can't sleep without it.”



Wife: “Why do you think of things like this in the middle of the night?”



Husband: “Because I'm Hot.”




Wife: “You get hot at the darndest times.”




Husband: “If you love me, I wouldn't have to beg you.”







Wife: “If you love me, you'd be more considerate.”




Husband: “You don't love me anymore.”




Wife: “Yes I do, but let's forget it for tonight. ”




Husband: “Please... come on".




Wife: “All right, I'll do it.”




Husband: “What's the matter? Need a flashlight?”




Wife: “I can't find it.”




Husband: “Oh, for heaven's sake - feel for it!”




Wife: “There! Are you satisfied?”




Husband: “Oh, yes.”




Wife: “Is it up far enough?”




Husband: “Oh, that's good. ”




*




*





Wife: “Now go to bed, and from now on when you want the window open, do it yourself.”

[fuzzy2bucks]

Life progression




I think the life cycle is all backwards. You should die first, start
out dead and get it out of the way.


Then you wake up in a nursing home, feeling better every day.


You get kicked out for being too healthy, go collect your pension,
then, when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day.
You work 40 years until you're young enough to enjoy your  retirement.



You drink alcohol, you party, you're generally promiscuous and you
get ready for High School.



You go to primary school, you become a kid, you play, you have no
responsibilities, you become a baby.



Then, you spend your last 9 months floating peacefully with luxuries like central heating, spa
room service on tap, larger quarters everyday, and finally you


 
finish off as an orgasm.








`

I rest my case.

[fuzzy2bucks]

Chores



A young boy comes down to breakfast one morning.



His mother asks,"Have you done your chores  yet?"
"No," replies the boy, "but could I have breakfast first?"



 
"You know the rules, go outside and clean the chicken coop, milk the cow and feed the pigs."



The boy goes down to the chicken coop and lazily cleans it. When he is finished he kicks a chicken.



Next, he walks to the barn and takes out the old milking cow. After milking her thoroughly, he kicks her.



Then the boy gets the food and feeds the pigs. Once he is done he kicks a pig.

 

Finally, the boy runs back to his house, very hungry...
His mother gives him a plate with nothing on it but some spinach.

 

Disappointed, the boy says, "Where's my eggs, my milk and my sausage?"


                 
"Well," says his mother, "I saw you kick a chicken, so now you don't get eggs.  I saw you kick the cow, so now you don't get milk.  I saw you kick the pig, so now you don't get any sausage."



Just then, the boy's father walks in and kicks the pussy cat.

 

The boy says to his mother, "Should I tell him now, or do you want to?"










`

 

[fuzzy2bucks]

50 foot woman on the loose again.





*










*

[fuzzy2bucks]

COWBOY VISITS HIS FIRST BIG CITY CHURCH



Cowboy Joe was telling his fellow cowboys back on the ranch about his first visit to a big-city church.


"When I got there, they had me park my old truck in the corral," Joe began. "You mean the parking lot," interrupted Charlie, a more worldly fellow.


 "I walked up the trail to the door," Joe continued. "The sidewalk to the door," Charlie corrected him.



 "Inside the door, I was met by this dude," Joe went on. "That would be the usher," Charlie explained.



 "Well, the usher led me down the chute," Joe said. "You mean the aisle," Charlie said.



 "Then, he led me to a stall and told me to sit there," Joe continued. "Pew," Charlie retorted. "Yeah," recalled Joe.

 "Thats what that pretty lady said when I sat down beside her."

[fuzzy2bucks]

Actual questions phoned into Butterball Turkey's hot line.


1. Is it ok to thaw my turkey in the tub while bathing the kids?



2. Can I brine my turkey in the washing machine?





3. Can I use my oven's self cleaning cycle to speed up the cooking of my turkey?



4. If I cut my turkey with a chainsaw, will the oil affect the taste?



5. Can I take my turkey into the sauna to thaw it faster?












`

[Stormrider65]

OK I'll get in on this too.  A blonde woman has a brand new Mercedes Benz given to her.  She drives home with it and leaves it parked outside.  A sudden storm comes up and hail starts to come down, hitting and badly denting her brand new Benz.  She comes out, sees it and decides she needs to get it fixed right away.  She goes to a body shop and tells the owner her problem.  Seeing thats she is blonde, and that he is really backed up, he proceeds to tell her to take the car home, put it in the garage and go to the back of the car, get on her knees and blow into the tailpipe.  This will inflate the car body, and pop all the dents out.  Excitedly, she takes the car home, drives it into the garage and closed the garage door, and doing what the owner said, proceeds to blowing into the tailpipe.  Her roommate, also blonde, comes in, seeing her in this position, yells, "What the heck are you doing??"  Still on her knees, her friend tells her what happened that day, and what the shop owner told her to do.  The roommate looks at her friend and says "You idiot, at least roll the windows in the car first!!!"

Walt

[fuzzy2bucks]

             ;         

[fuzzy2bucks]

Hellmann's Mayonnaise - a bit of history.




Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's mayonnaise was manufactured in England .



In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York .



This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico . But as we know, the great ship did not make it to New York .



The ship hit an iceberg and sank, and the cargo was forever lost. The people of Mexico, who were crazy about mayonnaise, and were eagerly awaiting its delivery, were disconsolate at the loss.



Their anguish was so great, that they declared a National Day of Mourning, which they still observe to this day.




The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5th and is known, of course, as - Sinko De Mayo. . .  . . . 

[fuzzy2bucks]

THE ITALIAN WEDDING TEST



I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me....It was her beautiful younger sister.
 


My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight mini skirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate. Because she never did it when she was near anyone else.
 


One day her 'little' sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.



Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.



She said, 'I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.'



I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and
headed straight towards my car.




Lord... And behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!



With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, 'We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.'



And the moral of this story is:


Always keep your condoms in your car.

[Mongo]

The Late Night Lecture
A man is pulled over by the police at midnight while driving and asked where he’s going.
“I’m on the way to listen to a lecture about the effects of alcohol and drug abuse on the human body,” he answered.
The policeman asks, “Really? And who’s going to give a lecture at this time of night?”
“My wife”, he answered.

[fuzzy2bucks]

Friend for Supper



"Honey," said this husband to his wife, "I invited a friend home for supper." "What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I didnt go shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I dont feel like cooking fancy meal!" "I know all that."


"Then why did you invite a friend for supper?"


"Because the poor fools thinking about getting married."
   

[fuzzy2bucks]

Ultra sheer lingerie



A Husband walks into Victoria's Secret to purchase some sheer



lingerie for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price, the more


 
sheer, the higher the price. He opts for the most sheer  item, pays the $500 and takes the lingerie home.

 

He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on and model it  for him. Upstairs, the wife takes a peek at the price tag and thinks,   "I have an idea. It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on.



 I'll do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow and keep the $500 refund for myself."


 

So she appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose. The husband says, "Good Lord! You'd think for $500, they'd at least iron it!"



 He never even heard the shot.



 Funeral on Thursday.

[fuzzy2bucks]

Brain Transplant




The relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill.

Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber.



"I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed the worried faces.



"The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant.



It's an experimental procedure, very risky but it is the only hope.

 

Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the brain yourselves.."



The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a great length of time, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?"

 

The doctor quickly responded, "$5,000 for a male brain, and $200 for a female brain."



The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked.



A man unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask



"Why is the male brain so much more?"



The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire group, "It's just standard pricing procedure.



We have to mark down the price of the female brains, because they've actually been used."

[fuzzy2bucks]

Drug sniffing dog





A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the



plane when another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his black



Labrador Retriever in the middle seat next to the man.



The first man looks very quizzically at the dog and asks why the




dog is allowed on the plane. The second man explained that he is a DEA agent



and that the dog is a "sniffing dog."



His name is Sniffer and he's the best there is. I'll show you once we get



airborne, when I put him to work.




The plane takes off, and once it has leveled out, the agent says:



"Watch this." He tells Sniffer to "search".



Sniffer jumps down, walks along the aisle, and finally sits very



purposefully next to a woman for a several seconds. Sniffer then returns to




its seat and puts one paw on the agent's arm.



The agent says, "Good boy", and he turns to the man and says:



"That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of her seat



number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land."



"Say, that's pretty neat" replies the first man.



Once again, the agent sends Sniffer to search the aisles. The Lab sniffs



about, sits down beside a man for a few seconds, returns to its seat, and




this time, he places TWO paws on the agent's arm.




The agent says, "That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making a

note of his seat number for the police."



"I like it!" says his seat mate.



The agent then told Sniffer to "search" again.



Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while, sat down for a



moment, and then came racing back to the agent, jumped into the middle seat


and proceeded to poop all over the place.



The first man is really grossed out by this behavior and can't figure out



how or why a well-trained dog would act like that, so he asks the agent



"What's going on?"




The agent nervously replied, "He just found a live Bomb!"

[Westernbiker]

Jeff the bellboy


Three couples got married and spent their honeymoons at the same hotel, where they were all attended to by Jeff the Bellboy.
The first man married a nurse.
Jeff showed them to their room, all the while thinking to himself, "Lucky guy! Nurses are known to be hot to trot."
The second man married a telephone operator.
Jeff showed them to their room, while thinking to himself, "Wow, he`s one lucky dude. Telephone operators have such sexy voices and once you pop that top button.. Va-voom."
The third man married a school teacher.
Jeff showed them to their room and thought to himself, "Poor sap. She may be pretty, but teachers are way too frigid."
At 5:30 the following morning, Jeff reported to work. He expected the teacher`s husband to call for breakfast any minute, but was sure the other two wouldn`t call until much later in the day.
The phone rang at 6 a.m. and it was the nurse`s husband wanting breakfast. Jeff took breakfast up to the room and when the husband opened the door, Jeff stepped back in shock. The man`s pajamas were still pressed and his hair nicely combed.
"Sir, what happened?" asked Jeff. "You married a nurse."
"Son, don`t ever marry a nurse," the man sourly replied. "All I heard last night was Her nagging voice saying, `You`re not sanitary, you`re not sanitary`."
The phone rang again at 6:30 a.m. and this time it was the telephone operator`s husband calling for breakfast. Jeff took it to the room as quickly as possible. When the man opened the door, Jeff stepped back in shock. The man`s hair was neatly combed and his pajamas nicely pressed.
"What happened?" Jeff asked with surprise. "Telephone operators as supposed to be as sexy as their voices."
"Son, don`t ever marry a telephone operator," the man groaned. "All I heard last night was Her nasal voice saying, `Your three minutes are up, your three minutes are up`."
Jeff returned to his desk, sure that the teacher`s husband would be calling at any moment.
Finally, at 4 p.m., the teacher`s husband called for breakfast.
Jeff couldn`t believe it, but quickly took the breakfast to the couple`s room. When the man opened the door, Jeff stepped back in shock. The man was wearing only a pair of boxers, his hair was a mess, and there were scratches all over his chest, arms and legs.
"My goodness sir, what happened to you?" Jeff asked, fearing the worst. "Did you have a fight?"
The man, grinning from ear to ear, happily replied, "No. Son, when you marry be sure it`s to a school teacher. All I heard last night was Her sexy, smooth voice saying, `We`re going to do this over, and over, and over again, until we get it right`."