Just to make you feel better (HUMOR)

[Westernbiker]

GUIDE TO MALE EXPRESSIONS


"I'M GOING FISHING"
Means: "You boring woman, I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid,and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety."

IT'S A GUY THING"
Means: "You women never understand, it's just fun. There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical".

"CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?"
Means: "Why isn't it already on the table?"

"UH HUH," "SURE, HONEY," OR "YES, DEAR..."
Means: Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response. If anything, it means; "I haven't heard what you said."

"IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN"
Means: "I have no idea how it works."

"I WAS LISTENING TO YOU. IT'S JUST THAT I HAVE THINGS ON MY MIND."
Means: "I was wondering if that redhead over there is wearing a bra."

"TAKE A BREAK HONEY, YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD".
Means: "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

"THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR."
Means: "Are you still talking?"

"YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS."
Means: "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed, and the vehicle identification numbers of every car I've ever owned, but sorry, I forgot your birthday."

"I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT YOU, AND GOT YOU THESE ROSES".
Means: "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."

"OH, DON'T FUSS, I JUST CUT MYSELF, IT'S NO BIG DEAL."
Means: "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit that I'm hurt."

"HEY, I'VE GOT MY REASONS FOR WHAT I'M DOING".
Means: "And I sure hope I can think of some pretty soon."

"I CAN'T FIND IT."
Means: "Help, it didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."

"I HEARD YOU."
Means: "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."

"YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE."
Means: "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse."

"YOU LOOK TERRIFIC."
Means: "Please stop trying on any more dresses, I'm starving."

"I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE."
Means: "No one will ever see us alive again."

"WE SHARE THE HOUSEWORK."
Means: "I make the messes, she cleans them up."

[Westernbiker]

VALUABLE LESSONS FROM OUR PARENTS


All the things my mother taught me:
TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE - "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside - I just finished cleaning!"
RELIGION - "You better pray that will come out of the carpet."
FORESIGHT - "Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."
FLEXIBILITY - "Will you *look* at the dirt on the back of your neck!"
STAMINA - "You'll sit there 'til all that spinach is finished."
WEATHER - "It looks as if a tornado swept through your room."
PHYSICS PROBLEMS - "If I yelled because I saw a meteor coming toward you; would you listen then?"
BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION - Stop acting like your father!"


What my father taught me:
LOGIC: "Because I said so, that's why."
IRONY - "Keep laughing and I'll *give* you something to cry out."
OSMOSIS - "Shut your mouth and eat your supper!"
HYPOCRISY - "If I've told you once, I've told you a million times - don't exaggerate!!!"
THE CIRCLE OF LIFE - "I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."
ENVY - "There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do!"
TIME TRAVEL: "If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

[fuzzy2bucks]

Don't end up in the Dog House this Christmas

http://link.brightcove.com/services/player/bcpid1543292789?bctid=3130509001

[fuzzy2bucks]

Favorite non-religous Christmas song

Santa Baby	powered by Aeva

[fuzzy2bucks]

I went into the 7-11 gas station the other day and asked for five dollars worth of gas. The clerk farted and gave me a .  .  .   receipt.

[fuzzy2bucks]

Memory in the 90's



Three sisters age 92,94, and 96 all live in a house together.  One night the 96-year -old draws a bath.  She puts her foot in and pauses.  She yells to the other sisters, "Was I getting or out of the bath?"



The 94-year-old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see."  She starts up the stairs and pauses.  "Was I going up the stairs or down?"




The 92-year -old is sitting at the kitchen table drinking a cup of tea and listening to her sisters.  She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful."  She then knocks on wood for good luck.




She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."

[Sludge]

Don't end up in the Dog House this Christmas



http://link.brightcove.com/services/player/bcpid1543292789?bctid=3130509001

There is a sequel

Return To The Doghouse - The Doghouse Funny Commercials	powered by Aeva

[Jess from VA]

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA (except the kiss-ass in the red sweater)

[fuzzy2bucks]

Goin down to the General Store right now and stocking up on some special items that are likely to get me out of the Dog House when needed for future impoundments.

[Westernbiker]

A Good Joke About a Husband


A man and a woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant.  Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few paces away noticed that the man was slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, with the woman acting unconcerned.

The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table. Still, the woman dining across from him appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that her dining companion had disappeared.

After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the table and said to the woman, 'Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table.'

The woman calmly looked up at her and replied firmly, 'No he didn't.  He just walked in the door.'

 

[Westernbiker]

'The rubbish we put into our stomachs and consume should have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is terrible. Fizzy drinks attack your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with msg. Vegetables can be disastrous because of fertilisers and pesticides and none of us realises the long-term damage being done by the rotten bacteria in our drinking water. However, there is one food that is incredibly dangerous and we all have, or will, eat it at some time in our lives.

Now, is anyone here able to tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?'

A 65-year-old nursing sister sitting in the front row stood up and said, 'Wedding cake.'

[Westernbiker]

Brenda and Terry are going out for the evening. The last thing they do is put their cat out.

The taxi arrives, and as the couple walk out of the house, the cat scoots back in.

Terry returns inside to chase it out. Brenda, not wanting it known that the house would be empty, explains to the taxi driver, 'My husband is just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother.'

Several minutes later, an exhausted Terry arrives and climbs back into the taxi saying, 'Sorry I took so long, the stupid idiot was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger several times before I could get her to come out!'

[Westernbiker]

Jesus and Satan have a discussion as to who is the better programmer. This goes on for a few hours until they come to an agreement to hold a contest, with God as the judge.

They sit themselves at their computers and begin. They type furiously, lines of code streaming up the screen, for several hours straight. Seconds before the end of the competition, a bolt of lightning strikes, taking out the electricity. Moments later, the power is restored, and God announces that the contest is over.

He asks Satan to show what he has come up with. Satan is visibly upset, and cries, “I have nothing. I lost it all when the power went out.”

“Very well, then,” says God, “let us see if Jesus fared any better.”

Jesus enters a command, and the screen comes to life in vivid display, the voices of an angelic choir pour forth from the speakers. Satan is astonished.

He stutters, “B-b-but how? I lost everything, yet Jesus’ program is intact. How did he do it?”

God smiled all-knowingly, “Jesus saves.”

[bigguy]

Hormone Hostage

The Hormone Hostage knows that there are days in the month when all a man has to do is open his mouth to a woman and he takes his very life into his own hands.

This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver's license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend, or significant other.

DANGEROUS: What's for dinner?
SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?
SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?
ULTRASAFE: Here, have some chocolate.

DANGEROUS: Are you wearing that?
SAFER: Gee, you look good in brown.
SAFEST: WOW! Look at you!
ULTRASAFE: Here, have some chocolate.

DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about?
SAFER: Could we be overreacting?
SAFEST: Here's fifty dollars.
ULTRASAFE: Here, have some chocolate.

DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?
SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left.
SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that?
ULTRASAFE: Here, have some chocolate.

DANGEROUS: What did you do all day?
SAFER: I hope you didn't overdo it today.
SAFEST: I've always loved you in that robe!
ULTRASAFE: Here, have some more chocolate.

[bigguy]

TOP TEN THINGS ONLY a WOMAN UNDERSTANDS

10. Cats' facial expressions.
9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors.
8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds.
7. Fat clothes.
6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time.
5. The difference between beige, ecru, cream, off-white, and eggshell.
4. Cutting your bangs to make them grow.
3. Eyelash curlers.
2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.

AND, the Number One, Number One thing only a woman understands:

1. OTHER WOMEN

[bigguy]

UCLA Study

A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of male face a woman finds attractive can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle.

For instance, if she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features.

However, if she is menstruating or menopausal, she is more prone to be
attracted to a man with scissors lodged in his temple and a bat jammed
up his ass while he is on fire.

Further studies are expected.

[fuzzy2bucks]

Wedding Night



The wedding date was set and the groom's three pals, a carpenter, an electrician, and a dentist were deciding what pranks to play on the couple on their wedding night.


The carpenter figured sawing the slats of their bed would give them a chuckle or two.


The electrician decided to wire the bed.


The dentist wouldn't commit himself, but wore a sly grin and promised it would be memorable.


The nuptials went as planned and a few days later, each of the grooms buddies received the following note:
 


DEAR FRIENDS,


WE DIDN'T MIND THE BED SLATS BEING SAWED.


THE ELECTRIC SHOCK WAS ONLY A MINOR SETBACK.


BUT I SWEAR BY GOD ALMIGHTY, I'M GOING TO KILL WHOEVER PUT


NOVOCAIN IN THE K-Y JELLY!

[fuzzy2bucks]

Jingle Bells.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kM2QSfjyLSM

[Westernbiker]

Three girls all worked in the same office with the same female boss. Each day, they noticed the boss left work early. One day, the girls decided that, when the boss left, they would leave right behind her. After all, she never called or came back to work, so how would she know they went home early?

The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a little gardening, spent playtime with her son, and went to bed early. The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at the spa before meeting a dinner date. The blonde was happy to get home early and surprise her husband, but when she got to her bedroom, she heard a muffled noise from inside. Slowly and quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband in bed with her boss! Gently, she closed the door and crept out of her house.

The next day, at their coffee break, the brunette and redhead planned to leave early again, and they asked the blonde if she was going to go with them. "No way," the blonde exclaimed. "I almost got caught yesterday!"

[Westernbiker]

A redneck family are visiting a big city for the first time.

The father ans son are in the hotel lobby when the spot an elevator.

"What's that Paw?" The boy asked.

"I ain't never did see nothin' like that in my life" Replied the father.

Seconds later an old frail woman walks in the hotel door and hobbles to the elevator. She presses the button with her cain, waits for the doors to open and gets in.

The father and son, still amazed by this contraption, continue to watch.

They hear a ping noise and the doors open again. Out steps a beautiful 20 year old busty blonde.

The father looks at his son and says "Go get your Maw !"

[Westernbiker]

A young man who was also an avid golfer found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in nine holes before he had to head home. Just as he was about to tee off an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone. Not being able to say no, he allowed the old gent to join him.

To his surprise the old man played fairly quickly. He didn't hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn't waste much time. Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball - and directly between his ball and the green.

After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot the old man finally said, "You know, when I was your age I'd hit the ball right over that tree."

With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally lay.

The old man offered one more comment, "Of course, when I was your age that pine tree was only three feet tall."

[Westernbiker]

Fred got home from his Sunday round of golf later than normal and very tired. "Bad day at the course?" his wife asked.

"Everything was going fine," he said. "Then Harry had a heart attack and died on the 10th tee."

"Oh, that's awful!"

"You're not kidding. For the whole back nine it was hit the ball, drag Harry, hit the ball, drag Harry."

[fuzzy2bucks]

If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this policeman.
He was being cross-examined by a defense attorney during a felony trial.  The lawyer was trying to undermine the policeman's credibility....


Q: "Officer -- did you see my client fleeing the scene?"

A: "No sir.  But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away."

Q: "Officer -- who provided this description?"

A: "The officer who responded to the scene."

Q: "A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender.  Do you trust your fellow officers?"

A: "Yes, sir.  With my life."

Q: "With your life?  Let me ask you this then officer.  Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?"

A: "Yes sir, we do!"

Q: "And do you have a locker in the room?"

A: "Yes sir, I do."

Q: "And do you have a lock on your locker?"

A: "Yes sir."


Q: "Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?"




A: "You see, sir -- we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room."


The courtroom erupted in laughter, and a prompt recess was called.
The officer on the stand has been nominated for this year's "Best Comeback" line -- and we think he'll win.

[fuzzy2bucks]

Bronze Rat



A man walked into a curio shop in Galveston Texas.  Looking around at the
exotica, he noticed a very life-like,
life-size bronze statue of a rat. It had no price tag, but it looked so
striking that he decided he must have it.



He took it to the owner and asked "How much is the bronze rat?"
"Twelve dollars for the rat, a hundred dollars if you bring it back,"
said the owner.



The man gave the shop owner twelve dollars. "I'll take the rat; And I
won't be bringing it back."


As he walked down the street carrying the bronze rat, he noticed that a few
real rats had crawled out of alleys and sewers, and began following him
down the street.

 This was a bit disconcerting, so he began to walk a
little bit faster. Within a couple of blocks, the group of rats behind him
grew to over a hundred, and they began squealing.


He started to trot towards the Harbor. He took a nervous look around
and saw that the rats numbered in the thousands, maybe in the millions, and
they were all squealing and coming towards him faster and faster.

Terrified, he ran to the edge of the water and threw the bronze rat as
far out into the Harbor as he could.

Amazingly, the millions of rats all
jumped into the water after it, and were drowned.



The man walked back to the curio shop. "Aha," said the owner, "You're
bringing it back!"



"Actually no," said the man. "I came back to see how much you want for
that little bronze illegal alien over there!"

[Westernbiker]

A woman in a hurry to get her daughter to school on time was pulled over for speeding.

The mom smiled at her daughter and said "Don't worry dear! I can get out of this ticket."

The cop approached the car and he asked "Mam do you know why I pulled you over?" With a big smile she replied "Sure you are selling tickets to the policeman's ball."

He then said, "Mam, I am a State Trooper, we don't have balls."

[Westernbiker]

Hospital regulations require a wheelchair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found an elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet-who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator. On the way down, I asked if his wife was meeting him.
"I don't know," he said. "She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown."

[Westernbiker]

One crazy day in our pediatric clinic saw me hand a young patient a urine sample container and tell him to fill it up in the bathroom. A few minutes later, he returned to my nurse's station with an empty cup.
"I didn't need this after all," he said. "There was a toilet in there."

[Westernbiker]

"What is that sound?" a woman visiting our nature center asked.
"It's the frogs trilling for a mate," Patti, the naturalist, explained. "We have a pair in the science room. But they've been together for so long, they no longer sing to each other."
The woman nodded sympathetically. "The trill is gone."

[Westernbiker]

A young businessman had just started his own firm. He rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques. Sitting there, he saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear the hot shot, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working.

He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments. Finally he hung up and asked the visitor, "Can I help you?"

The man said, "Yeah, I've come to activate your phone lines."

[Westernbiker]

Two guys were discussing the new secretary at their office. John to George: "Man, I dated her last Tuesday and we had wonderful sex. She's a lot better in bed than my wife!"

Two days later. George to John: "Well, I dated her too and we had sex as well, but I still think your wife is better in bed!"

[Westernbiker]

AN ACCOUNTANT FOR THE MOB

There was this man that was an accountant for the mob. He happened to be deaf and mute. While working for the mob he collected over 500,000 dollars by stealing from the books.

The mob boss finds out about this and sends two hitmen to his house. Since the accountant was deaf and mute his brother translated what his brother said.

Hitman: where is the money?

Accountant signs he does not know

Brother: he said he does not know

Hitman: tell us where the money is or we will kill your wife and kids, burn down your house, and castrate you!

Accountant signs fast and furiously that the money is in a safe that is hidden in the floorboard of his closet and gives the combination.

Hitman: what did he say?

Brother: you don't have the balls!


 

[Westernbiker]

Bronze Rat



A man walked into a curio shop in Galveston Texas.  Looking around at the
exotica, he noticed a very life-like,
life-size bronze statue of a rat. It had no price tag, but it looked so
striking that he decided he must have it.



He took it to the owner and asked "How much is the bronze rat?"
"Twelve dollars for the rat, a hundred dollars if you bring it back,"
said the owner.



The man gave the shop owner twelve dollars. "I'll take the rat; And I
won't be bringing it back."


As he walked down the street carrying the bronze rat, he noticed that a few
real rats had crawled out of alleys and sewers, and began following him
down the street.

 This was a bit disconcerting, so he began to walk a
little bit faster. Within a couple of blocks, the group of rats behind him
grew to over a hundred, and they began squealing.


He started to trot towards the Harbor. He took a nervous look around
and saw that the rats numbered in the thousands, maybe in the millions, and
they were all squealing and coming towards him faster and faster.

Terrified, he ran to the edge of the water and threw the bronze rat as
far out into the Harbor as he could.

Amazingly, the millions of rats all
jumped into the water after it, and were drowned.



The man walked back to the curio shop. "Aha," said the owner, "You're
bringing it back!"



"Actually no," said the man. "I came back to see how much you want for
that little bronze illegal alien over there!"

OOOOOOOHHHHHHH!!!!!!!   

[fuzzy2bucks]

Three men go to see Saint Peter



Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

 
In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'


 
The man from Oregon fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It represents a candle', he said.

 
You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.


 
The man from Kentucky reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'


 
Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.


 
The Californian started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's thong panties.


 
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?




The Californian replied, 'These are Carols.'

 
And So The Christmas Season Begins......

[Westernbiker]

Signs You Are No Longer a Kid

  You're asleep, but others worry that you're dead.

You can live without sex but not without glasses.

Your back goes out more than you do.

You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.

You buy a compass for the dash of your car.

You are proud of your lawn mower.

Your best friend is dating someone half their age ..... and isn't breaking any laws.

You call Olan Mills before they call you.

Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.

You sing along with the elevator music.

You would rather go to work than stay home sick.

You constantly talk about the price of gasoline.

You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.

You consider coffee one of the most important things in life.

You make an appointment to see the dentist.

You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

Neighbors borrow your tools

People call at 9 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you ?"

You answer a question with, "because I said so!"

You send money to PBS.

The end of your tie doesn't come anywhere near the top of your pants.

You take a metal detector to the beach.

You wear black socks with sandals.

You know what the word "equity" means.

You can't remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch television.

Your ears are hairier than your head.

You talk about "good grass" and you're referring to someone's lawn.

You get into a heated argument about pension plans.

You got cable for the weather channel.

You can go bowling without drinking.

You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
 

[Westernbiker]

Then and now : the 1960's vs. the 2000's

  THEN: Long Hair
NOW: Longing for hair.

THEN: The perfect high.
NOW: The perfect high yield mutual fund.

THEN: Keg.
NOW: EKG.

THEN: Acid Rock.
NOW: Acid Reflux.

THEN: Moving to California because it's cool.
NOW: Moving to California because it's warm.

THEN: You're growing pot.
NOW: Your growing pot.

THEN: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your parents.
NOW: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your children.

THEN: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor.
NOW: Trying not to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor

THEN: Seeds and stems.
NOW: Roughage.

THEN: Popping pills, smoking joints.
NOW: Popping joints.

THEN: Our president's struggle with Fidel.
NOW: Our president's struggle with fidelity.

THEN: Paar.
NOW: AARP.

THEN: Being caught with Hustler magazine.
NOW: Being caught with Hustler magazine.

THEN: Killer weed.
NOW: Weed killer.

THEN: Hoping for a BMW.
NOW: Hoping for a BM.

THEN: The Grateful Dead.
NOW: Dr. Kevorkian.

THEN: Getting out to a new, hip joint.
NOW: Getting a new hip joint.

THEN: Rolling Stones.
NOW: Kidney stones.

THEN: Being called into the principal's office.
NOW: Calling the principal's office.

THEN: Screw the system!
NOW: Upgrade the system.

THEN: Peace sign.
NOW: Mercedes logo.

THEN: Parents begging you to get your hair cut.
NOW: Children begging you to get their heads shaved.

THEN: Take acid.
NOW: Take antacid.

THEN: Passing the driver's test.
NOW: Passing the vision test.

THEN: Swanson's Mushy chicken in an aluminum platter.
NOW: Lean Cuisine's Mushy chicken in a plastic bag.

THEN: "Whatever"
NOW: "Depends"
 

[Westernbiker]

Why am I So Tired?

  I am Tired,
Yes, I'm tired.

For a couple years I've been blaming it on iron- poor blood, lack of vitamins, dieting and a dozen other maladies that make you wonder if life is really worth living.


But now I found out, it ain't that.


I'm tired because I'm overworked.


The population of this country is 237 million.
104 million are retired.
That leaves 133 million to do the work.


There are 85 million in school, which leave 48 million to do the work
Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government.
This leaves 19 million to do the work.
Four million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 15 million to do the work.
Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and City Government and that leaves 200,000 to do the work.
There are 188,000 in hospitals, so that leaves 12,000 to do the work.
Now, there are 11,998 people in prisons.
That leaves just two people to do the work.


You and me.


Bummer..


And you're sitting there reading this.


No wonder I'm tired.
 

[Westernbiker]

Warning For All Women

  WARNING FOR ALL WOMEN !

This is a heads up to those friends who haven't experienced it yet, and an explanation to those friends and family who have. Most of you have read the scare-mail about the person whose kidneys were stolen while he was passed out. Well, read on. While the kidney story was an urban legend, this one is not. It's happening every day.

My thighs were stolen from me during the night a few years ago. It was just that quick. I went to sleep in my body and woke up with someone else's thighs. The new ones had the texture of cooked oatmeal. Who would have done such a cruel thing to legs that had been mine for years? Whose thighs were these and what happened to mine? I spent the entire summer looking for my thighs. Finally, hurt and angry, I resigned myself to living out my life in jeans and Sheer Energy pantyhose.

Then, just when my guard was down, the thieves struck again. My butt was next. I know it was the same gang, because they took pains to match my new rear end (although badly attached at least three inches lower than my original) to the thighs they stuck me with earlier. Now, my rear end complimented my legs, lump for lump. Frantic, I prayed that long skirts would stay in fashion.

It was two years ago when I realized my arms had been switched. One morning I was fixing my hair and I watched horrified but fascinated as the flesh of my upper arms swung to and fro with the motion of the hairbrush. This was really getting scary. My body was being replaced one section at a time. How clever and fiendish.

Age? Age had nothing to do with it. Age is supposed to creep up, unnoticed, something like maturity. NO, I was being attacked repeatedly and without warning. In despair I gave up my T-shirts. What could they do to me next?

My poor neck disappeared more quickly than the Thanksgiving turkey it now resembled. That's why I decided to tell my story. I can't take on the medical profession by myself.

Women of the world, wake up and smell the coffee. That really isn't plastic that those surgeons are using. You KNOW where they are getting those replacement part, don't you? The next time you suspect someone has had a face "lifted", look again. Was it lifted from you? I think I finally found my thighs...and I hope Cindy Crawford paid a really good price for them!

This is not a hoax. This is happening to women in every town every night. WARN YOUR FRIENDS.

P.S. I must say that last year I thought someone had stolen my breasts. I was lying in bed and they were gone! As I jumped out of bed I was relieved to see that they had just been hiding in my armpits as I slept. Now I keep them hidden in my waistband.
 

[fuzzy2bucks]

Police dept recording



Hello, you have reached the ____________ Police Department Voice Mail.


Pay close attention as we have to update the choices often as new and unusual circumstances arrive. Please select one of the following options:



- To whine about us not doing anything to solve a problem you created for yourself, press 1.
 

- To postulate whether someone has to die before we'll do something about a problem, press 2.


- To report an officer for bad manners when in reality the officer is trying to keep your neighborhood safe, press 3.


- If you would like us to raise your children, press 4.



- If you would like us to take control of your life due to your alcoholic or chemical dependency, press 5.



- If you would like us to instantly restore order to a situation that took years to deteriorate, press 6.

 

- To provide a list of police officers you personally know so we will not take enforcement action against you, press 7.

 

- To sue us, tell us you'll have our badge, that you pay our salary, or proclaim our career is over, press 8.



- To hear this menu again, wrap aluminum foil around your head and turn around three times.

[fuzzy2bucks]

Fly that damn thing
















`



























`

[fuzzy2bucks]

Large family gets on bus



Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children.


A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they
find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit
onto the bus.


So the husband and the blind man decide to walk.


After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as
he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, "Why don't you put a piece
of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me
crazy."


The blind man replies, "If you would've put a rubber at the end of YOUR
stick, we'd be riding the bus ... so shut the hell up."