Just to make you feel better (HUMOR)

[fuzzy2bucks]

Weeweechu Time



One December evening Huan Cho and his girlfriend Jung Lee were sitting by the side of the ocean. It was a romantic full moon, when Huan Cho said "Hey baby, let's play Weeweechu."


"Oh no - not now. Let’s look at the moon," said Jung Lee.


"Oh, c'mon baby, let's you and I play Weeweechu. I love you and it's the perfect time," Huan Cho begged.
 

"But I rather just hold your hand and watch the moon," pleaded Jung Lee.


"Please Jung Lee, just once play Weeweechu with me."


 

Jung Lee looked at Huan Cho and said, "OK, we'll play Weeweechu."


*





 

Huan Cho grabbed his guitar and they both sang… "Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, and a Happy New Year."



MERRY CHRISTMAS

[fuzzy2bucks]

Church Bells and sex



Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her.


When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning".
 

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that two people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.
 

"Oh, no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."

 

She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "and if the cursed ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today."









`
 

[Westernbiker]

Oil Shortage

There are a lot of folks who can't understand how we came to have an energy shortage here in the USA. Well, there's a very simple answer.

Nobody bothered to check the oil.

We just didn't know we were getting low. The reason for this is purely geographical.....

All the oil is in Oklahoma, Texas, and Louisiana. All the dipsticks are in Washington DC

[Westernbiker]

Clinton Goes To Heaven

President Clinton had just died and wound up at the Pearly Gates of Heaven...

"And who might you be?" inquires St. Peter. "It's me, Bill Clinton, formerly the President of the United States and Leader of the Free World."

"Oh...Mr....... President! What may I do for you?" asks St. Peter. "I'd like to come in," replies Clinton.

"Sure," says the Saint. "But first, you have to confess your sins. What bad things have you done in your life?"

Clinton bites his lip and answers, "Well, I tried marijuana, but you can't call it 'dope-smoking' because I didn't inhale. There were inappropriate extramarital relationships, but you can't call it 'adultery' because I didn't have full 'sexual relations.' And I made some statements that were misleading, but legally accurate, but you can't call it 'bearing false witness' because, as far as I know, it didn't meet the legal standard of perjury."

With that, St. Peter consults the Book of Life briefly, and declares, "OK, here's the deal. We'll send you somewhere hot, but we won't call it 'Hell.' You'll be there indefinitely, but
we won't call it 'eternity.' And when you enter, you don't have to abandon all hope, just don't hold your breath waiting for it to freeze over."

[Westernbiker]

Saddam and Clinton

Saddam Hussein and Bill Clinton meet up in Baghdad for the first round of talks in a new peace process. When Bill sits down, he notices three buttons on the side of Saddam's chair.
They begin talking. After about five minutes Saddam presses the first button. A boxing glove springs out of a box on the desk and punches Clinton in the face. Confused, Clinton carries on talking as Saddam laughs.

A few minutes later the second button is pressed. This time a big boot comes out and kicks Clinton in the shin. Again Saddam laughs, and again Clinton carries on talking, not wanting to put off the bigger issue of peace between the two countries.

But when the third button is pressed and another boot comes out and kicks Clinton in the privates, he's finally had enough, knowing that he can't do much without them functioning well.

"I'm going back home!" he tells the Iraqi. "We'll finish these talks in two weeks!"

A fortnight passes and Saddam flies to the United States for talks. As the two men sit down, Hussein notices three buttons on Clinton's chair and prepares himself for the Yank's revenge.

They begin talking and Bill presses the first button. Saddam ducks, but nothing happens. Clinton snickers. A few seconds later he presses the second button. Saddam jumps up, but again nothing happens. Clinton roars with laughter. When the third button is pressed, Saddam jumps up again, and again nothing happens. Clinton falls on the floor in a fit of hysterics.

"Forget this," says Saddam. "I'm going back to Baghdad!"

Clinton says through tears of laughter, "What Baghdad?"

[Westernbiker]

Three Boys

Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging of how great their fathers are.

The first one says:" Well, my father runs the fastest. He can fire an arrow, and start to run, I tell you, he gets there before the arrow".

The second one says:" Ha! You think that's fast! My father is a hunter. He can shoot his gun and be there before the bullet".

The third one listens to the other two and shakes his head.

He then says:" You two know nothing about fast. My father is a civil servant. He stops working at 4:30 and he is home by 3:45!!"

[Westernbiker]

Cold War

The Americans and Russians at the height of the arms race realized that if they continued in the usual manner they were going to blow up the whole world.

One day they sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog fight. They would have five years to breed the best fighting dog in the world and which ever side's dog won would be entitled to dominate the world. The losing side would have to lay down its arms.

The Russians found the biggest meanest Doberman and Rottweiler females in the world and bred them with the biggest meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from each litter, killed his siblings, and gave him all the milk. They used steroids and trainers and after five years came up with the biggest meanest dog the world had ever seen. Its cage needed steel bars that were five inches thick and nobody could get near it.

When the day came for the dog fight, the Americans showed up with a strange animal. It was a nine foot long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for the Americans because they knew there was no way that this dog could possibly last ten seconds with the Russian dog.

When the cages were opened up, the Dachshund came out of it's cage and slowly waddled over towards the Russian dog. The Russian dog snarled and leaped out of it's cage and charged the American dachshund. But, when it got close enough to bite the Dachshund's neck, the Dachshund opened it's mouth and consumed the Russian dog in one bite. There was nothing left at all of the Russian dog.

The Russians came up to the Americans shaking their heads in disbelief. "We don't understand how this could have happened. We had our best people working for five years with the meanest Doberman and Rottweiler females in the world and the biggest meanest Siberian wolves."

"That's nothing", an American replied. "We had our best plastic surgeons working for five years to make an alligator look like a Dachshund.

[Westernbiker]

Hillary

One day, many years after the Clinton scandal, Hillary is struck by a car and killed.

Soon, Hillary finds herself at the gates of Heaven. She sees St. Peter and asks ''Can I get into heaven now?''

He says ''Soon, I have some things to take care of.''

So St. Peter leaves and Hillary looks at the scenery and sees millions of clocks lying around. Every once in a while, a clock or so would turn ahead 15 minutes.

Hillary wondered why. Soon, St. Peter came back and Hillary asked ''St. Peter, What are all these clocks for?''

St Peter replies ''Each clock represents a man. Every time a man commits adultery, the clock turns ahead 15 minutes.

Hillary asks ''Where's my husbands clock?'' St. Peter replies ''Oh, it's in God's office, he uses it for a fan.''

[fuzzy2bucks]

Remembering



The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time
we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind this very
tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."
Yes, she says, "I remember it well."


Okay, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old times sake?" Oh Charlie, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but very good idea!



There's a police officer sitting in the next booth listening to all this, and having a chuckle to himself. He thinks, "I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble." So he follows them.



They walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for support, aided by
walking sticks. Finally they get to the back of the tavern and make
their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.



Suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the watching
policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about 10 minutes. Finally, they both collapse panting on the ground. The policeman is amazed.
He thinks he ha s learned something about life that he didn't know.
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old
couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on.



The policeman, still watching thinks, this was truly amazing. I've got to ask them what their secret is. As the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must have had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"



The old man says, "Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."











`

[Jess from VA]

Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony?

 

 

 

 

The guy that can carry two cups of coffee and a dozen doughnuts.

 

Who is the most popular girl at the nudist colony?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The girl that can get that last doughnut.

[Jess from VA]

Before the final match, the Norwegian wrestling coach came to Ole and said,
"Now, don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian.  He's never lost a match because of this 'pretzel' hold he has". Whatever you do, do not let him get you in that hold! If he does, you're finished'.  Ole nodded in acknowledgment.
 
As the match started, Ole and the Russian circled each other several times, looking for an opening. All of a sudden, the Russian lunged forward, grabbing Ole and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold. A sigh of disappointment arose from the crowd and the coach buried his face in his hands, for he knew all was lost. He couldn't watch the inevitable happen.
 
Suddenly, there was a scream, then a cheer from the crowd and the coach raised his eyes just in time to watch the Russian go flying up in the air.  His back hit the mat with a thud and Ole collapsed  on top of him making the pin and winning the match.

The crowd went crazy. The coach was astounded.  When he finally got his wrestler alone, he asked, "How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!"

Ole answered, "Vell, I vas ready to give up ven he got me in dat hold, but at da last moment, I opened my eyes and saw dis pair of testicles right in front of my face. I had nuttin' to lose so wid my last ounce of strength I stretched out my neck and bit dose babies just as hard as I could."

So the trainer exclaimed, "That's what finished him off!"

"Vel not really. You'd be amazed how strong you get ven you bite your own nuts!"

[Westernbiker]

Mowing The Lawn

One Saturday afternoon, a man was sitting in his lawn chair drinking beer and watching his wife mow the lawn.

A neighbor lady was so outraged at this, she came over and shouted at the man, "You should be hung!"

To which he calmly replied, "I am. That's why she cuts the grass!"

[Westernbiker]

It's A Small World

An elderly couple was driving across the country.

While the woman was behind the wheel, the couple was pulled over by the highway patrol. "Ma'am, did you know you were speeding?" the officer said.

The woman, hard of hearing, turned to her husband and asked, "What did he say?"

"He said you were speeding!" the old man yelled.

The patrolman then asked, "May I see your license?"

The woman turned to her husband again, "What did he say?"

The old man yelled back, "He wants to see your license!"

The woman then gave the officer her license. "I see you are from Arkansas," the patrolman said. "I spent some time there once and went on a blind date with the ugliest woman I've ever seen."

The woman turned to her husband again and asked, "What did he say?"

The old man replied, "He said he knows you!"

[Westernbiker]

My Wife

I've been in love with the same woman for many years. If my wife ever finds out, she'll kill me!

My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, a little wine, good food... She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.

I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?" She said, "Somewhere I have never been!" I told her, "How about the kitchen?"

We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

My wife will buy anything marked down. Last year she bought an escalator.

All my wife does is shop - once she was sick for a week, and three stores went under.

She has an electric blender, electric toaster, electric bread maker. Then she said "There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!" So what did I do? Bought her an electric chair.

My wife loves to shop at Bloomingdale's. I bring her mail there twice a week.

My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night. Only this time, "I" stayed in the bathroom and cried.

My wife drives the wrong way on a one way street. The cop pulled her over and asked, "Where are you going?" My wife said, "I must be late, everyone is all coming back!"

My wife told me the car wasn't running well, there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was, and she told me it was in the lake.

My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea.

My wife is on a new diet. Coconuts and bananas. She hasn't lost weight, but can she climb a tree!

She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate.

She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.

She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" Following her down the street I yelled, "No, jump in!"

I bought my wife a little Italian car. A Mafia. It has a hood under the hood.

Three weeks ago, she learned how to drive. Last week she learned how to aim it.

I came home, the car was in the dining room. "How did you get the car in here?" My wife said, "Easy, I took a left at the kitchen."

While driving the car on a cross country trip I decided to lose 2000 pounds of ugly fat... I left my wife at a rest stop...

[Westernbiker]

Divorce Settlement

A married couple is driving along a highway doing a steady forty miles per hour.

The wife is behind the wheel. Her husband suddenly looks across at her and speaks in a clear voice.

"Darling," he says. "I know we've been married for twenty years, but I want a divorce."

The wife says nothing, keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly increases her speed to 45 mph.

The husband speaks again. "I don't want you to try to talk me out of it", he says, "because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and she's a far better lover than you are."

Again the wife stays quiet, but grips the steering wheel more tightly and slowly increases the speed to 55.

He pushes his luck. "I want the house," he says insistently. Up to 60mph.

"I want the car, too," he continues...65 mph

"And," he says, "I'll have the bank accounts, all the credit cars and the boat."

The car slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete bridge. This makes him a wee bit nervous, so he asks her: "Isn't there anything you want?"

The wife at last replies - in a quiet and controlled voice. "No, I've got everything I need." she says.

"Oh, really?" he inquires, "So what have you got?"

Just before they slam into the wall at 75 mph, the wife turns to him and smiles. "The airbag!"

[Westernbiker]

Love Dress

A woman stopped by unannounced at her recently married son's house.

She rang the doorbell and walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked.

Soft music was playing; the aroma of perfume filled the room.

"What are you doing?" she asked. "I'm waiting for my husband to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered.

"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.

"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.

"Love dress? But you're naked!"

"My husband loves me to wear this dress," she explained. "It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me."

The mother-in-law left. When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD and lay on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive.

Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her lying there so provocatively.

"What are you doing?" he asked.

"This is my love dress" she whispered, sensually.

"Needs ironing," he said.

[Westernbiker]

Fishing Trip

A man calls home to his wife and says, "Honey I have been asked to go fishing at a big lake up in Canada with my boss and several of his friends. We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting so would you please pack me enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and tackle box. We're leaving from the office and I will swing by the house to pick my things up. Oh! please pack my new blue silk pajamas."

The wife thinks this sounds a little fishy but being a good wife she does exactly what her husband asked.

The following weekend he comes home a little tired but otherwise looking good.

The wife welcomes him home and asks if he caught many fish?

He says, "Yes! lots of Walleye, some Bluegill, and a few Pike. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to do?"

The wife replies, "I did, they were in your tackle box!"

[Westernbiker]

Check Up

A naked woman is bouncing on her bed singing.

Her husband walks into the Bedroom and sees her. He watches her a while then says,

"You look ridiculous! What on earth do you think you're doing?"

She says, "I just got my checkup and my doctor says I have the breasts of an eighteen year old."

She starts laughing and jumping again.

He says, "Yeah, right. And what did he say about your 45-year-old ass?"

"Your name never came up, " she replied.

[fuzzy2bucks]

On the subject of wives . . .



Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.

Oscar Wilde
..................................



When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.


David Bissonette
..................................


After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.


Sacha Guitry
..................................



By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.



Socrates
.................................




Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.


Anonymous
................................




The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, 'What does a woman want?



.......................Dumas





I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.



Sigmund Freud
.....................................




'Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.'



Anonymous
......................................




'There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage.'



Sam Kinison
...................................




'I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second one didn't.'



James Holt McGavra
...................................




Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming

1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,

2. Whenever you're right, shut up.



Patrick Murra
............................................




The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it

once....



Nash
.................................


You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.



Anonymous
.................................




My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.



Henny Youngman
................................




A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.



Rodney Dangerfield
................................




A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: 'Wife wanted'.. Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: 'You can have mine.'



Anonymous

[fuzzy2bucks]

Old & Young


At 85 years of age, Roger married Jenny, a lovely 25 year old.

Since her new husband is so old, Jenny decides that after their wedding she and Roger should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may overexert himself if they spend the entire night together.


After the wedding festivities Jenny prepares herself for bed and the expected knock on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Roger, her 85 year old groom, ready for action. They unite as one. All goes well, Roger takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep.


After a few minutes, Jenny hears another knock on her bedroom door, and its Roger, Again he is ready for more action. Somewhat surprised, Jenny consents for coupling. When the newlyweds are done, Roger kisses his bride, bids her a fond good night and leaves.


She set to go to sleep again, but, aha you guessed it- Roger is back again, rapping on the door, and is as fresh as a 25 year old, ready for more action. And once more they enjoy each other.
But as Roger gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, I am thoroughly impressed, that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age, who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Roger.


Roger, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Jenny and says: You mean I was here already?


The moral of the story:  Dont be afraid of getting old,  ALZHEIMERS has its advantages.

[fuzzy2bucks]

Milkman and the Blonde


A blonde left a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk.

When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake.  He thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons.  So he knocked on the door  to clarify the  point.   

                                                                                 
The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your note to leave 25 gallons of milk.  Did you mean 2.5 gallons?" 

The blonde said, "I want 25 gallons.  I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk                   
and take a milk bath."

                                                                 
The milkman asked, "Do you want it pasteurized?"


The blonde said,  "No, just up to my  boobs.  I can splash it in my eyes."                                                       

[fuzzy2bucks]

Cop takes driver to jail


A man was being tailgated by a stressed out woman on a busy boulevard. Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him.  He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.


The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup.


As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her, hands up.


He took her to the police station where she was searched, finger printed, photographed, and placed in a holding cell.


After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door.  She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects. He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him.  I noticed the 'Choose Life' license plate holder.  The 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Follow Me to Sunday- School' bumper sticker, and the Chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk.

Naturally... I assumed you had stolen the car."   

[fuzzy2bucks]

A very unusual Carrot




*









*




Carrot Man . . .

[Jess from VA]

[Westernbiker]

Water to Wine

An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut.

The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.

He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"

"Just water," says the priest.

The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"

The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"

[Westernbiker]

God Grants One Wish

A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. All of a sudden he said out loud, "Lord, grant me one wish." Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice the Lord said, "Because you have had the faith to ask, I will grant you one wish."

The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii, so I can drive over anytime I want to." The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the logistics of that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific!

The concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of another wish, a wish you think would honor and glorify me."

The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I have been married and divorced four times. All of my wives said that I am uncaring and insensitive. I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give me the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say "nothing" and how I can make a woman truly happy?

After a few minutes God said, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"

[Westernbiker]

PG 13

A Nun and a Priest

A nun and a priest were crossing the Sahara desert on a camel. On the third day out the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning. After dusting themselves off, the nun and the priest surveyed their situation. After a long period of silence, the priest spoke.

"Well sister, this looks pretty grim."

"I know father.", the nun answered.

"In fact, I don't think it is likely that we can survive more than a day or two."

"I agree." said the nun.

"Sister, since we are unlikely to make it out of here alive, would you do something for me?"

"Anything father."

"I have never seen a woman's breasts and I was wondering if I might see yours."

"Well, under the circumstances I don't see that it would do any harm."

The nun opened her habit and the priest enjoyed the sight of her shapely breasts, commenting frequently on their beauty.

"Sister would you mind if I touched them?"

She consented and he fondled them for several minutes.

"Father, could I ask something of you?"

"Yes sister?"

"I have never seen a man's penis. Could I see yours?"

I suppose that would be Ok", the priest replied lifting his robe.

"Oh father, may I touch it ?"

The priest consented and after a few minutes of fondling he was suitably aroused.

"Sister, you know that if I insert my penis in the right place, it can give life."

"Is that true father?"

"Yes it is, sister."

"Then why don't you stick it up that camel's ass so we can get the f**k out of here?"

[Westernbiker]

Florida

Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God was missing for six days.

Eventually, Michael, the archangel, found him resting on the seventh day. He inquires of God, "Where have you been?"

God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downward through the clouds. "Look, Michael, look what I've made."

Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?"

"It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put life on it. I'm going to call it earth and it's going to be a great place of balance.

"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.

God explained, pointing to different parts of the earth, "For example, Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while Africa is going to be poor. The Middle East over there will be a hot spot," God continued, pointing to different countries.

"This one will be extremely hot and while this one will be very cold and covered with ice."

The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a large land mass with oceans as it borders and said, "What's that one?"

"Ah," said God, "that's Florida, the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful beaches, rivers, lakes, and climate. The people from Florida are going to be modest, intelligent, and humorous, and they are going to be found traveling the world. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, and high achieving people, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace."

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then exclaimed, "What about balance, God? You said there would be balance! Everyone and everything seems so totally perfect in this place you call Florida!"

God replied wisely, "Wait until you see the idiots I'm sending down from the North every winter!"

[Westernbiker]

Two Nuns

There were two nuns... One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM), and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL). It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.

SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.

SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.

SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most? What can we do?

SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.

SM: It's not working.

SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.

SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.

SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.

Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical.

Then Sister Logical arrives.

SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here!

SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both,so he followed me

SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?

SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.

SM: And?

SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me.

SM: Oh, dear! What did you do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.

SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.

SM: Oh, no! What happened then?

SL: Isn't it logical, Sister?

A nun with her dress up can run faster than man with his pants down. And for those of you who thought it would be dirty, say two Hail Marys!

[Westernbiker]

(PG13)

ONIONS & CHRISTMAS TREES

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father,
'Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?

The father, surprised, answers,

'Well, son, there are three kinds of boobs:

In her 20's, a woman's are like melons, round and firm.

In her 30's to 40's, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit.

After 50, they are like onions'.

'Onions?'

'Yes, you see them and they make you cry.'

This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said,

'Mum, how many kinds of 'willies' are there?.

The mother, surprised, smiles and answers,
'Well dear, a man goes through three phases.

In his 20's, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard.

In his 30's and 40's, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable.

After his 50's, it is like a Christmas Tree.'

'A Christmas tree?'

'Yes - the tree is dead and the balls are just for decoration.'

[bigguy]

Norwegian Icebreaker heads up the Mississippi River

As you may have seen on the news it's been very cold in Minnesota.  So cold,  fact, that the US Corp of Engineers has borrowed a Norwegian Icebreaker to clear the Mississippi River for freighter traffic.  The Icebreaker is starting near Winona and working its way northward.
Here is a picture as the hard work of ice breaking begins. Impressive!



















Norwegian Icebreaker heads up the Mississippi

[Jess from VA]

Hey, that's Dag...........isn't it??.   

[Sludge]

Internet Porn Song	powered by Aeva

[Westernbiker]

Chinese  Sex Therapist

A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date, nor any sex in quite sometime.

She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to employ the medical expertise of a sex therapist.

Her MD recommended that she go see Dr. Chang, the well-known sex therapist. So, she went to see him.

Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said, "OK, you take off all your crose."

"Now, get down and clawl reery fass to the odder side of room."

So, she did... Dr. Chang then said, "OK now clawl reery fass to me," so she did.

Dr. Chang slowly shook his head and said, "Your probrem vewy bad, you haf Zachary Disease, worse case I ever see, dat why you not haf sex or dates."

Confused, the woman asked, "What is Zachary Disease?"

Dr. Chang replied, "It when your face rook Zachary rike your ass."

[Westernbiker]

Erection

Frank can't obtain an erection so he goes to the doctor. The doctor tells him the muscles at the base of his penis are broken down and there's nothing he can do unless he's willing to try an experimental surgery.

Frank asks what the surgery is and the doctor tells him they take the muscles from the base of a baby elephant's trunk, insert them in the base of his penis, and hope for the best. Frank says that sounds pretty scary but the thought of never having sex again is even scarier, so he says ok.

The doctor goes ahead and performs the surgery and about 6 weeks later the gives frank the go ahead to "try out his new equipment". Frank takes his wife out to dinner. While at dinner Frank starts feeling incredible pressure in his pants.

It gets unbearable and he figures no one can see him so he undoes his pants. No sooner does he do this his penis pops out of his pants, rolls across the table, grabs a dinner roll, and disappears back into his pants.

His wife sits in shock for a few moments, and then gets a sly look on her face. She says, "That was pretty cool! Can you do that again?" With his eyes watering and a painful look on his face, Frank says, "Probably, but I don't know if I can fit another dinner roll up my ass."

[Westernbiker]

Appointments

One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his wife's arm.

The wife turns over and says "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynaecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh."

The husband, rejected, turns over.

A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"

[Westernbiker]

Sex Quotes

I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome  things  that money can buy."  Tom Clancy

"You know 'that look" women get when they want sex?...... Me neither."  Steve Martin

"Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner,  you'd  better have a good hand."  Woody Allen

"Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday  night."  Rodney Dangerfield

 "There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual  arousal,particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz  500SL."  Lynn Lavner

"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope."  George Burns

 "Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole  relationships."  Sharon Stone

"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch."  Jack Nicholson

"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he  never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is,"  Barbara Bush (Former U.S. First Lady, and, you didn't think Barbara had a  sense of humor!)

"Ah, yes, Divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's  genitals  through his wallet."  Robin Williams

"Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the  only  time of the month that I can be myself."  Roseanne

 "Women need a reason to have sex. ! Men just need a place."  Billy Crystal

"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are  having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe  swelling. So what's the problem?"  Dustin Hoffman

"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't  like  and just give her a house."  Rod Stewart

 "See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only  enough  blood to run one at a time."  Robin Williams

[fuzzy2bucks]

Joke could have been here before in print?... but worth a video

The Monkey Joke	powered by Aeva

[fuzzy2bucks]

Couple



A woman asks her husband, "Would you like some bacon and eggs? A slice of toast and maybe some grapefruit and coffee?"




He declines. "Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now. It's this Viagra," he says. "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."




At lunchtime she asked if he would like something. "A bowl of soup, homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich?"




He declines. "The Viagra," he says, "really trashes my desire for food."




Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat. "Would you like a juicy ribeye steak and scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?"




He declines again. "No, still not hungry."




"Well," she says, "would you mind letting me up? I'm starving."

[fuzzy2bucks]

Casino blonde



Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the crap table. A very attractive Blonde woman from South Alabama arrived topside jiggling nicely and bet twenty thousand dollars ($20,000) on a single roll of the dice.  She said, ‘I hope you don’t mind, but I feel much luckier when I play Topless.’


With that, she stripped to the waist; rolled the dice; and yelled, ‘Come on, Southern Girl needs new clothes!’


As the dice bounced and came to a stop, she jumped up-and-down, boobs a floppin wildly and squealed ‘YES! YES! I WON! I WON!’


She hugged each of the dealers up close and personal with a busty squeeze…and then picked up her winnings, and her Clothes, and quickly departed.


The dealers stared at each other dumfounded. Finally, one of them asked, ‘What did she roll?’


The other answered, ‘I don’t know… I thought you were watching.’