Just to make you feel better (HUMOR)

[Westernbiker]

Baseball In Heaven

Two buddies, Bob and Earl, were two of the biggest baseball fans in America. Their entire adult lives, Bob and Earl discussed baseball history in the winter, and they poured over every box score during the season.

They went to sixty games a year. They even agreed that whoever died first would try to come back and tell the other if there was baseball in heaven.

One summer night, Bob passed away in his sleep after watching a Yankee victory earlier in the evening. He died happy.

A few nights later, his buddy, Earl, awoke to the sound of Bob's voice from beyond. "Bob is that you?" Earl asked.

"Of course it me," Bob replied.

"This is unbelievable!" Earl exclaimed. "So tell me, is there baseball in heaven?"

"Well, I have some good news and some bad news for you. Which do you want to hear first?"

"Tell me the good news first." "Well, the good news is that, yes, there is baseball in heaven,

Earl." "Oh, that is wonderful! So what could possibly be the bad news?"

"You're pitching tomorrow night."

[Westernbiker]

Why Single Men Don't Cook

One evening, two confirmed bachelors were talking when the conversation eventually drifted from sports to politics, and then on to cooking.

The first guy said, "I got a cookbook once, but I could never do anything with it."

"Too much fancy stuff in it, eh?" asked the other bachelor.

"You said it." the first guy replied. "Every one of those recipes began the same way, 'Take a clean dish . . .' "

[Westernbiker]

Why Men Aren't Secretaries

Husband's note on the refrigerator to his wife:

"Doctor's office called: Said Pabst beer is normal"

[Westernbiker]

Men's Faults (Politically Correct Version)

He does not have a BEER GUT.

He has developed a LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.

He is not a BAD DANCER.

He is OVERLY CAUCASIAN.

He does not GET LOST ALL THE TIME.

He INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.

He is not BALDING.

He is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION.

He is not a CRADLE ROBBER.

He prefers GENERATIONALLY DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS.

He does not get FALLING-DOWN DRUNK.

He becomes ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL.

He does not act like a TOTAL ASS.

He develops a case of RECTAL-ANAL INVERSION.

He is not a SEX MACHINE.

He is ROMANTICALLY AUTOMATED.

He is not a MALE CHAUVINIST PIG.

He has SWINE EMPATHY.

He is not afraid of COMMITMENT.

He is MONOGAMOUSLY CHALLENGED.

He does not UNDRESS YOU WITH HIS EYES.

He has an INTROSPECTIVE GRAPHIC MOMENT.

[Westernbiker]

Partying Husband

A man left for work one Friday afternoon. But, being pay-day, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire pay check

When he finally appeared at home, Sunday night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions. Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him

"How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?

To which he replied. "That would be fine with me.

Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results. But on Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

[Westernbiker]

Dictionary for Women

Argument (ar*gyou*ment) n. A discussion that occurs when you're right, but he just hasn't realized it yet.

Airhead (er*hed) n. What a woman intentionally becomes when pulled over by a policeman.

Bar-be-que (bar*bi*q) n. You bought the groceries, washed the lettuce, chopped the tomatoes, diced the onions, marinated the meat and cleaned everything up, but, he, "made the dinner."

Blonde jokes (blond joks) n. Jokes that are short so men can understand them.

Cantaloupe (kant*e*lope) n. Gotta get married in a church.

Clothes dryer (kloze dri*yer) n. An appliance designed to eat socks.

Diet Soda (dy*it so*da) n. A drink you buy at a convenience store to go with a half pound bag of peanut M&Ms.

Eternity (e*ter*ni*tee) n. The last two minutes of a football game.

Exercise (ex*er*siz) v. To walk up and down a mall, occasionally resting to make a purchase.

Grocery List (grow*ser*ee list) n. What you spend half an hour writing, then forget to take with you to the store.

Hair Dresser (hare dres*er) n. Someone who is able to create a style you will never be able to duplicate again. See "Magician."

Hardware Store (hard*war stor) n. Similar to a black hole in space-if he goes in, he isn't coming out anytime soon.

Childbirth (child*brth) n. You get to go through 36 hours of contractions; he gets to hold your hand and say "focus, ...breath...push..."

Lipstick (lip*stik) n. On your lips, coloring to enhance the beauty of your mouth. On his collar, coloring only a tramp would wear...!

Park (park) v./n. Before children, a verb meaning, "to go somewhere and neck." After children, a noun meaning a place with a swing set and slide.

Patience (pa*shens) n. The most important ingredient for dating, marriage and children. See also "tranquilizers."

Waterproof Mascara (wah*tr*pruf mas*kar*ah) n. Comes off if you cry, shower, or swim, but will not come off if you try to remove it.

Valentine's Day (val*en*tinez dae) n. A day when you have dreams of a candlelight dinner, diamonds, and romance, but consider yourself lucky to get a card.

[HayHauler]

Thanks Western and Fuzzy!  Keep 'em comin...

Hay 
Jimmyt

[fuzzy2bucks]

Cowboy with a medical condition



A cowboy walked into a drug store and asked to talk to a male pharmacist. The elderly woman he was talking to said that she was the pharmacist and as she and her also widowed elderly sister owned the store, there were no males employed there. She then asked if she could help the gentleman.


The cowpoke said that it was something that he would be much more comfortable discussing with a male pharmacist. The female pharmacist assured him that she was completely professional and whatever it was that he needed to discuss, he could be confident that she would treat him with the highest level of professionalism.


The old bronco-buster agreed and began by saying, "This is tough for me to discuss, but I have a permanent erection. It causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment, and I was wondering what you could give me for it."


The pharmacist said, "Just a minute, I'll go talk to my sister."


When she returned, she said, "We discussed it at length and the absolute best we can do is, 1/3 ownership in the store, a company car, and $3,000 a month plus living expenses".

[fuzzy2bucks]

Using the toilet at work




Survival Guide For Taking A Dump At Work
Work Poop is inevitable...


[We've all kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly felt something brewing down below. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at work...]
 



ASTAIRE
A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential ‘TURD BURGLAR’s that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an ASTAIRE, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooer can poo in peace.


CAMO-COUGH
A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential ‘TURD BURGLAR’s Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.


COURTESY FLUSH
The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poo hits the water. This reduces the amount of air time the poo has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the ‘WALK OF SHAME’


CROP DUSTING
When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.

 

ESCAPEE
A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an ESCAPEE do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved.
Making joe-ks or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.



JAILBREAK
When forcing a poo, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.


OUT OF THE CLOSET
A colleague who poos at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an ‘OUT OF THE CLOSET’ pooer enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under his or her arm. Always look around the office for the ‘OUT OF THE CLOSET’ pooer before entering the bathroom.



TURD BURGLAR
Someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poo at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the ‘TURD BURGLAR’ leaves. This way you will avoid all
uncomfortable eye contact.


WALK OF SHAME
Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it’s best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the ‘COURTESY FLUSH’.


WATERMELON
A poo that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a WATERMELON coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

[fuzzy2bucks]

What's for Supper Honey?



A young couple, married just a couple weeks, returns from their honeymoon to face the beginning of their new lives. The next morning the husband wakes up, showers, dresses and makes his way to the kitchen where he sees his new wife crying.


So the husband inquires, "What's wrong Honey?"



"Well, I came down here this morning to surprise you with a big breakfast but I can't cook or clean."


The husband smiles his biggest smile and says, "There, there sweetie! I don't care that you can't cook and clean. Come on up to the bedroom and I'll show you what I'd like for breakfast."


So, off they went to the bedroom.


That afternoon, the husband comes home for lunch to find his new wife crying again in the kitchen.


"What's wrong now, Sweetie?"


"Well, the same thing as this morning. I came in here to make you something for lunch and I just can't cook."


Again, the husband smiles and says, "Why don't you come back up to the bedroom and I'll have my lunch there!"


So, off they went to the bedroom again.


That evening the new husband comes home, walks in the house and sees his new bride sliding down the banister of the stairs naked. Up she runs, and WHOOSH down the banister, again.


After the third trip the husband asks, "What the heck are you doing honey?"




To which the new bride replies,

"Warming up your supper!"

[Westernbiker]

Our favorite Darwin Awards. These awards are given each year to (the remains of)  individuals who, through single-minded self-sacrifice, have done the most to remove themselves from the gene pool.

5th RUNNER-UP.

A San Anselmo, California man died when he hit a lift tower at the Mammoth Mountain ski area while riding down the slope on a foam pad. The 22-year old David Hubal was pronounced dead at Central Mammoth Hospital.

The accident occurred about 3a.m.,the Mono County Sheriff's department said. Hubal and his friends apparently had hiked up a ski run called Stump Alley and undid some yellow foam protectors from lift towers, said Lt. Mike Donnelly of the Mammoth Lakes Police Department. The pads are used to protect skiers who might hit towers.

The group apparently used the pads to slide down the ski slope and Hubal crashed into a tower. It has since been investigated and determined the tower he hit was the one with its pad removed.

4th RUNNER-UP

Robert Puelo, 32, was apparently being disorderly in a St. Louis market. When the clerk threatened to call the police, Puelo grabbed a hot dog, shoved it into his mouth and walked out without paying. Police found him unconscious in front of the store. Paramedics removed the six-inch wiener from his throat where it had choked him to death.

3rd RUNNER-UP

Poacher Marino Malerba of Spain, shot a stag standing above him on an overhanging rock and was killed instantly when it fell on him.

2nd RUNNER-UP.

A man at a West Virginia party popped a blasting cap into his mouth and bit down, triggering an explosion that blew off his lips, teeth, and tongue. Jerry Stromyer, 24, of Kincaid, bit the blasting cap as a prank during the party late Tuesday night, said Cpl. M.D. Payne.

"Another man had it in an aquarium hooked to a battery and was trying to explode it. It wouldn't go off and this guy said I'll show you how to set it off."

He put it into his mouth, bit down and it blew all his teeth out and his lips and tongue off, Payne said. Stromyer was listed in guarded condition Wednesday with extensive facial injuries, according to a spokesperson at Charleston Area Medical Division. "I just can't imagine anyone doing something like that," Payne said.

1st RUNNER-UP

Doctors at Portland University Hospital said an Oregon man shot through the skull by a hunting arrow is lucky to be alive and will be released soon from the hospital. Tony Roberts, 25, lost his right eye last weekend during an initiation into a men's rafting club, Mountain Men Anonymous (probably known now as Stupid Mountain Men Anonymous) in Grant's Pass, Oregon.

A friend tried to shoot a beer can off his head, but the arrow entered Robert's right eye.
Doctors said that had the arrow gone 1 millimeter to the left, a major blood vessel would have been cut and Roberts would have died instantly.

Neurosurgeon Doctor Johnny Delashaw at the University Hospital in Portland said the arrow went through 8 to 10 inches of brain with the tip protruding at the rear of his skull, yet somehow managed to miss all major blood vessels.

Delashaw also said that had Roberts tried to pull the arrow out on his own he surely would have killed himself. Roberts admitted afterwards that he and his friends had been drinking that afternoon. Said Roberts, "I feel so dumb about this." No charges have been filed, but the Josephine County district attorney's office said the initiation stunt is under investigation.

WINNER.

(The late) John Pernicky and his friend, (the late) Sal Hawkins, of the great state of Washington, decided to attend a local Metallica concert at the George Washington amphitheatre. Having no tickets (but having had 18 beers between them), they thought it would be easy to "hop" over the nine foot fence and sneak into the show.

They pulled their pickup truck over to the fence and the plan was for Mr. Pernicky, who was 100-pounds heavier than Mr. Hawkins) to hop the fence and then assist his friend over. Unfortunately for (the late) Mr. Pernicky, there was a 30-foot drop on the other side of the fence.

Having heaved himself over, he found himself crashing through a tree. His fall was abruptly halted (and broken, along with his arm) by a large branch that snagged him by his shorts. Dangling from the tree with a broken arm, he looked down and saw some bushes below him.

Possibly figuring the bushes would break his fall, he removed his pocket knife and proceeded to cut away his shorts to free himself from the tree. Finally free, Mr. Pernicky crashed into holly bushes. The sharp leaves scratched his ENTIRE body and now, without the protection of his shorts, a holly branch penetrated his rectum. To make matters worse, on landing, his pocket knife penetrated his thigh.

Mr. Hawkins, seeing his friend in considerable pain and agony, threw him a rope hoping to pull him to safety by tying the rope to the pickup truck and slowly driving away. However, in his drunken haste, he put the truck into reverse and crashed through the fence landing on his friend and killing him.

Police arrived to find the crashed pickup with its driver thrown 100 feet from the truck and dead at the scene from massive internal injuries. Upon moving the truck, they found John under it half-naked, scratches on his body, a holly stick in his rectum, a knife in his thigh, and his shorts dangling from a tree branch 25-feet in the air.

[Westernbiker]

Potential Bumper Stickers

1. Jesus loves you...but everyone else thinks you are an asshole.

2. Impotence...Nature's way of saying "No hard feelings."

3. The proctologist called...they found your head.

4. Everyone has a photographic memory...some just don't have any film.

5. Save your breath...You'll need it to blow up your date.

6. Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.

7. I used to have a handle on life...but now it is broken.

8. WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.

9. Hang up and drive.

10. If you can read this...I can slam on my brakes and sue you.

11. Heart Attacks...God's revenge for eating His animal friends.

12. Your ridiculous little opinion has been noted.

13. Try not to let your mind wander...It is too small to be out by itself.

14. Some people just don't know how to drive...I call these people "Everybody But Me."

15. Don't like my driving...Then quit watching me.

16. Guys...just because you have one...doesn't mean you have to be one.

17. Welcome to America...Now speak English

[Westernbiker]

Answering Machine Messages

WE ARE BORG. RESISTANCE IS FUTILE. YOU WILL BE ASSIMILATED. But we're not home right now. So leave a message at the tone, and we'll assimilate you later.

Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.

Hello, this is Ron's toaster. Ron's new answering machine is in the shop for repairs, so please leave your message when the toast is done... (Cachunk!)

Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us.

Hello, this is Capital Gold, you're on the air.

Hello, you're caller number nine!

(Very fast:) Hi, this is 904-4344. If you want to leave a message, please wait for the tone. If you want to leave your name and number, please press pound, press 3, then dial your name, then press 6 and dial your number. If you want to leave your name and just a message, press star, press 6, ask for extension 4443, then leave your name and message. If you want to leave your number and the time you called, please press star twice, spin in a circle, press 1 twice, talk loud and (BEEP)

E'llo. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Leave your name and number, and prepare to die.

This is the Literacy Self Test Hotline. After the tone, leave your name and number, and recite a sentence using today's vocabulary word. Today's word is "supercilious."

Greetings, you have reached the Sixth Sense Detective Agency. We know who you are and what you want, so at the sound of the tone, please hang up.

I can't come to the phone now because alien beings are eating my brain. Leave a message anyway, and after the alien beings assume my shape, one of them will get back to you.

I can't come to the phone now because I have amnesia and I feel stupid talking to people I don't remember. I'd appreciate it if you could help me out by leaving my name and telling me something about myself. Thanks.

Thank you for calling the CSU Automated Hearing Test Line. Prepare for Test 1. Is this tone louder in your left ear or right ear? ... BEEP

(Rod Sterling imitation:) You're dazed, bewildered, trapped in a world without time, where sound collides with color and shadows explode. You see a signpost up ahead-this is no ordinary telephone answering device... You have reached, "The Twilight Phone".

Thank you for calling 434-2322. If you wish to speak to Tim, push 1 on your touch tone phone now. If you wish to speak to Lynn, push 2 on your touch tone phone now. If you have a wrong number, push 3 on your touch tone phone now. All of this button pushing doesn't do anything, but it is a good way to work off anger, and it makes us feel like we have a big time phone system.

(In a bored voice:) Heaven, God speaking...

Lucifer speaking. Who in hell do you want?

Thank you for calling the Metropolitan Church of the Holy Bible. Today's commandment is Number 6, Thou shalt not... er... Bear a... er... Shalt not witness thy... uh... Neighbour's, Oh, I mean, false... er... Shalt not commit a bear... Dern...

This is a test. This is a test of the Answering Machine Broadcast System. This is only a test.

I can't come to the phone now, so if, well, actually, I CAN come to the phone now, I mean, like, I'm at the phone NOW, recording this message, but I'm doing this NOW, while you're listening to it LATER, except for you I guess it's NOW, like, when you're listening to it... I mean, like, wait, gosh. This is so confusing.

(Recorded directly from AT&T:) We're sorry, but the number you dialed is disconnected or no longer in service.

Hi, you've reached 340-2359. We're not peeb eht retfa egassem ruoy evael esaelp os ,won thgir emoh. gnillac rof uoy knahT.

The number you have reached, 226-0477, has been changed. The new number is 226-0477. Please make a note of it.

You have reached the CPX-2000 Voice Blackmail System. Your voice patterns are now being digitally encoded and stored for later use. Once this is done, our computers will be able to use the sound of YOUR voice for literally thousands of illegal and immoral purposes. There is no charge for this initial consultation. However our staff of professional extortionists will contact you in the near future to further explain the benefits of our service, and to arrange for your schedule of payment. Remember to speak clearly at the sound of the tone. Thank you.

(Klingon voice:) ANSWERING MACHINE. SPEAK. You have reached the number you have dialed. Please leave a message after the beep.

Now I lay me down to sleep; Leave a message at the beep. If I die before I wake, Remember to erase the tape.

Hello, this is Sid. I've got a puppy in one hand and a Smith & Wesson 38 in the other. Leave a message or the puppy gets it.

My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave your name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished.

Hello, you've reached Jim and Sonya. We can't pick up the phone right now, because we're doing something we really enjoy. Sonya likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right...real slowly. So leave a message, and when we're done brushing our teeth we'll get back to you.

A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're not here. So leave a message.

Hi. This is John. If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money.

(Narrator's voice:) There Dale sits, reading a magazine. Suddenly the telephone rings! The bathroom explodes into a veritable maelstrom of toilet paper, with Dale in the middle of it, his arms wind milling at incredible speeds! Will he make it in time? Alas no, his valiant effort is in vain.

The bell hath sounded. Thou must leave a message.

Hi. I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.

[Super Santa]

Boudreaux left Newfoundland and moved to Toronto and bought a donkey from an old farmer for $100.
 
The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.
 
The next day, the farmer drove up and said, "I'm sorry, but I have some bad news... the donkey died last night."
 
"Well, den," said Boudreaux, "Jus' give my money back, yeah."
 
"I can't do that Sir, I went and spent it already."
 
"OK, den. Jus' unload dat donkey."
 
"What are you gonna do with him?"
 
"I'm gon-to raffle him off."
 
"You can't raffle a dead donkey, you dumb Newfie!"
 
"Well dats where you wrong. You wait you an' you learn how smart we Newfie's are!"
 
A month later the farmer ran into the Newfie and asked, "What happened with that dead donkey?"
 
"I raffled dat donkey off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars apiece and made $998."
 
"Didn't anyone complain?"
 
"Just dat guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back."
 

[fuzzy2bucks]

Gotta luv those barnyard Canuck jokes.   

[fuzzy2bucks]

Santa in a recession...


Christmas in the kebab shop
A guy walks in to a kebab shop and is surprised to see Father Christmas serving behind the counter.
"Santa!" he says. "What are you doing working here? Shouldn't you be up at the North Pole preparing for the big day?"

Santa Claus sighs. He's really let himself go. The red suit's got lard and chilli sauce and bits of lettuce all over it. His apron's in a mess and he just looks fed up and like he doesn't want to be serving up kebabs for a living.

"Well," Santa says at last, "the business has gone belly up. With the recession, the credit crunch and all, the toy industry took a beating. I had to lay off some of the elves, make cut backs in quality and we just lost our competitive edge. Plus we wound up the delivery side and subcontracted out to UPS. But... it didn't help. The receivers came in, asset-stripped the business and we went into liquidation."

"Gee," the guy says. "I'm really sorry; it kind of takes the tradition out of Christmas in a way."

"Yeah," says Santa Claus and manages a wan smile. "Well enough of me and my woes. What can I get you?"
The guy says, "I'll have a large Donner."

"Sorry," says Santa. "We're all out of Donner.......Will Blitzen do instead?"

[fuzzy2bucks]

Christmas greetings ... ... from a zoologist:



 We  fish  ewe  a bear egrets moose  panda  hippo  gnu  year.

[fuzzy2bucks]

Prevacation love story



He grasped me firmly but gently just above my elbow and guided me
 into a room, his room. Then he quietly shut the door and we were
 alone.

 
He approached me soundlessly, from behind, and spoke in a low,
 Reassuring voice close to my ear.

"Just relax."
 
Without warning, he reached down and I felt his strong, calloused
 hands start at my ankles, gently probing, and moving upward along my
 calves slowly but steadily. My breath caught in my throat. I knew I
 should be afraid, but somehow I didn't care. His touch was so
 experienced, so sure.


 When his hands moved up onto my thighs, I gave a slight shudder, and
 partly closed my eyes. My pulse was pounding. I felt his knowing
 fingers caress my abdomen, my ribcage. And then, as he cupped my firm,
 full breasts in his hands, I inhaled sharply. Probing, searching,
 knowing what he wanted, he brought his hands to my shoulders, slid
 them down my tingling spine and into my panties.
 
Although I knew nothing about this man, I felt oddly trusting and
expectant. This is a man, I thought. A man used to taking charge. A
man not used to taking `no' for an answer. A man who would tell me
what he wanted. A man who would look into my soul and say ...

 
"Okay, ma'am, all done."

 
My eyes snapped open and he was standing in front of me, smiling,
 holding out my purse. "You can board your flight now."
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .  
(Those TSA agents don't know what a good job they have)

[Westernbiker]

New Rules For Employees

n.b. Strict disciplinary action will be taken against all offenders

SICK DAYS:  We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

SURGERY:  Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need  all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you  intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.

PERSONAL DAYS:  Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called  Saturday & Sunday.

VACATION DAYS:  All employees will take their vacation at the same time every year. The  vacation days are as follows: January 1 and December 25.

OUT FROM YOUR OWN DEATH:  This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks  notice as it is your duty to train your own replacement.

RESTROOM USE:  Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the future, we  will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance: All  employees whose names  begin with 'A' will go from 8:00 to 8:20, employees whose names begin with  'B' will go from 8:20 to 8:40 and so on. If you're unable to go at your  allotted time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your  turn comes again. In extreme emergencies employees may swap their time  with a co-worker. Both employees' supervisors must approve this exchange,  in writing. In addition, there is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the  stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper  roll will retract, and the stall door will open.

LUNCH BREAK:  Skinny people get an hour for lunch, as they need to eat more so that they  can look healthy. Normal size people get 30 minutes for lunch to get a  balanced meal to maintain the average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes for  lunch because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast and take a diet  pill.

DRESS CODE:  It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If  we see you wearing £350 Prada shoes & carrying a £600 Gucci bag, we assume  you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need an increase.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a  positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments,  concerns, complaints,  frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations,  accusations, contemplations, consternations, or input should be directed  elsewhere.

[Westernbiker]

3 Corporate Lessons

Lesson Number 1: A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day?" The crow answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it. Moral to the story is: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

Lesson Number 2: A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree, "sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy." "Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fortnight, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree. Moral to the story is: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

Lesson Number 3: A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold,the bird froze and fell to the ground in a large field. As the frozen bird lay there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on it. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, it began to realise how warm it was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him! The Morals to this story are: 1) Not everyone who drops crap on you is your enemy. 2) Not everyone who gets you out of crap is your friend. 3) When you're in deep crap, keep your mouth shut.

IN SUMMARY: An organization is like a tree full of monkeys, all on different limbs at different levels, some climbing up, some fooling around and some simply just idling. The monkeys on top looks down and see a tree full of smiling faces. The monkeys on the bottom look up and see nothing but assholes

[Westernbiker]

Store Clerk

A man walked into the produce section of his local supermarket, and asked to buy half a head of lettuce.

The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce.

The man was insistent that the boy ask his manager about the matter.

Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager, "Some asshole wants to buy half a head of lettuce." As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "and this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half."

The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way.

Later the manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?"

"Canada, sir," the boy replied.

"Well, why did you leave Canada?" the manager asked.

The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but whores and hockey players up there.

"Oh, really?!" said the manager. "My wife is from Canada."

"No kidding??" replied the boy. "Who'd she play for?"

[Westernbiker]

Things You Wish You Could Say At Work

1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of crap.

2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.

3. How about never? Is never good for you?

4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.

6. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.

7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...

8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.

9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.

10. Ahhh... I see the snuggle-up fairy has visited us again...

11. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.

12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

13. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a damn.

14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.

17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.

18. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.

19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?

20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.

21. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.

22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.

23. And your cry-baby whiny-assed opinion would be...?

24. Do I look like a people person?

25. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.

26. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.

27. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

28. If I throw a stick, will you leave?

29. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

30. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

31. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

32. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.

33. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?

34. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.

35. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?

36. Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.

37. How do I set a laser printer to stun?

38. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks

[Westernbiker]

Engineer And Manager

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below.

He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The woman below replied, "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.

"I am," replied the woman, "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip."

The woman below responded, "You must be in management."

"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."

[Westernbiker]

Prison vs. Work

In prison you spend the majority of your time in an 8'x10' cell.
At work you spend most of your time in a 6'x8'cubicle.

In prison you get three meals a day.
At work you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it.

In prison you get time off for good behavior.
At work you get rewarded for good behavior with more work.

In prison a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
At work you must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself.

In prison you can watch TV and play games.
At work you get fired for watching TV and playing games.

In prison they allow your family and friends to visit.
At work you cannot even email your family and friends.

In prison all expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work required.
At work you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.

In prison you spend most of your life looking through the bars from the inside wanting to get out.
At work you spend your time wanting to get out and inside bars.

[fuzzy2bucks]

Prison sounds like it's not so bad, but I'm sure there is now Beer or available women.

[fuzzy2bucks]

               *** SPECIAL HOLIDAY CHEER ***           Biker's. . . "Night Before Christmas"




'Twas the night before Christmas, And not until Spring
Would a motor be running, not even a  Valk or Wing.


The bikes are all sleeping, they're covered and warm,
Batteries are tended, Sea-Foam in their form.


My kids were all nestled snug in their beds,
While visions of new chrome danced in their heads.


And I in my black helmutt, bike jacket and boots
Out shoveling snow, and dreaming of scoots.


Then from the horizon there came such a clatter
My shovel I dropped, what could be a matter?


Away up the hill, I slogged through the snow
Looked up at the sky; where'd all that noise go?


Then a throb from the heavens, like straight pipes so hearty
Gave Summers' good thoughts, a loud bikers' party.


When, what to my wondering eyes should appear
But a Valkyrie I.S. , with Red Trailer at the rear!


With a little old rider, so lively and quick,
I knew in a moment it must be St. Nick.


More rapid than a Deer his 'Wing came on,
And he whistled, and shouted, and sang out this song;


'Now, 1000! Now, 1100! On 1200 and 1500!
Now 1800! Now Valkyrie! On Rune and All!


To the top of the porch! to the top of the wall!
Now RIDE away! RIDE away! RIDE away all!'


So up to the house-top that 'Wing it flew
With a trailer of goodies, and ole' St. Nick too!


And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the roof
The thunder of pipes that gave me some proof.


I ran in the house, boots thumping around,
And in came St. Nick all bearded and round;


Dressed all in black leather, from baklava to boot
His chaps were all tarnished with road grime and soot;


A T-bag of goodies he'd flung on his back
And he looked like a peddler just opening his pack;


His shades -- how they twinkled! his do-rag how scary!
Like flames intertwined, through eyes that were cherry!


The stump of a pipe he held tight in his teeth,
The smoke had a strange smell; it gave him relief.


He had a broad face and a large beer belly
That shook when he laughed like a bowlful of jelly!


He was wethered and slow, a right mile'd old rider,
So I offered a few shots, thought what could be righter?


A wink of his eye as he downed them with beer,
Gave me to know I had nothing to fear;


He spoke not a word, but went straight to my ride
And fixed it with Chrome, Horsepower and Pride.


And giving the peace sign with bikers' good cheer
Strode off to his 'Wing that was idling just near.


He sprang on the saddle, his gloves on the bars
A wheelie he threw; then off towards the stars.


I heard him exclaim, as my chest swelled with pride
'MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL, AND TO ALL A GOOD RIDE!'

[fuzzy2bucks]

A GOOD PUN IS ITS OWN REWORD

 

* Energizer Bunny arrested - charged with battery.



* A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative.



* Practice safe eating - always use condiments.
 


* Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.



* I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
 


* If electricity comes from electrons... does that mean that morality comes from morons?
 


* Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.

 


* A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
 


* Corduroy pillows are making headlines.
 


* Sea captains don't like crew cuts.
 


* Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?



* A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.
 


* A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor.
 


* Without geometry, life is pointless.



* When you dream in color, it's a pigment of your imagination.



* Reading whille sunbathing makes you well-red.
 


* When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

[fuzzy2bucks]

Bald people shouldn't wear polo neck jumpers. They just end up looking like a roll-on deodorant.
 .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  . .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .


I went to a shrink yesterday. Talked for 45 minutes, he told me I had a split personality, and he handed me a bill for $82.

I gave him $41 and said he can get the rest from the other guy.

[Westernbiker]

Classified Ads

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GERMAN SHEPHERD 85 lbs. NEUTERED. SPEAKS GERMAN. FREE.

1 MAN, 7 WOMAN HOT TUB -- $850/offer.

SNOW BLOWER FOR SALE...ONLY USED ON SNOWY DAYS.

TICKLE ME ELMO, STILL IN BOX, COMES WITH ITS OWN 1988 FORD MUSTANG, 5L, AUTO, EXCELLENT CONDITION $6800.

COWS, CALVES NEVER BRED...ALSO 1 GAY BULL FOR SALE.

BILL'S SEPTIC CLEANING "WE HAUL AMERICAN MADE PRODUCTS."

SHAKESPEARE'S PIZZA - FREE CHOPSTICKS.

HUMMELS - LARGEST SELECTION EVER "IF IT'S IN STOCK, WE HAVE IT!"

HARRISBURG POSTAL EMPLOYEES GUN CLUB.

GEORGIA PEACHES CALIFORNIA GROWN - 89 cents lb.

NICE PARACHUTE: NEVER OPENED - USED ONCE.

TIRED OF WORKING FOR ONLY $9.75 PER HOUR? WE OFFER PROFIT SHARING AND FLEXIBLE HOURS. STARTING PAY: $7 -- $9 PER HOUR.

OUR SOFA SEATS THE WHOLE MOB AND IT'S MADE OF 100% ITALIAN LEATHER.

FULL SIZED MATTRESS. 20 YR. WARRANTY. LIKE NEW.
SLIGHT URINE SMELL.

NORDIC TRACK $300 HARDLY USED, CALL CHUBBY.

JOINING NUDIST COLONY! MUST SELL WASHER & DRYER $300.

OPEN HOUSE BODY SHAPERS TONING SALON FREE COFFEE & DONUTS

FOUND: DIRTY WHITE DOG. LOOKS LIKE A RAT... BEEN OUT
AWHILE. BETTER BE REWARD.

EXERCISE EQUIPMENT: QUEEN SIZE MATTRESS & BOX
SPRINGS - $175.

ALZHEIMER'S CENTER PREPARES FOR AN AFFAIR TO
REMEMBER.

FOR SALE BY OWNER: Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45 volumes. Excellent condition. $1,000.00 or best offer. No longer needed. Got married last weekend. Wife knows everything.

[Westernbiker]

This was in the Washington Post... the title of the article was "Best Comeback Line Ever"

In summary, the police arrested Patrick Lawrence, a 22-year-old white male, resident of Dacula, GA, in a pumpkin patch at 11:38 p.m. on Friday.

Lawrence will be charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency, and public intoxication at the Gwinnett County courthouse on Monday.

The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch he decided to stop. "You know, a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around here for miles. At least I thought there wasn't," he stated in a phone interview.

Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, Picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purposes, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his need. "I guess I was just really into it, you know?" he commented with evident embarrassment.

In the process, Lawrence apparently failed to notice a Gwinnett County police car approaching and was unaware of his audience until officer Brenda Taylor approached him. "It was an unusual situation, that's for sure," said officer Taylor. "I walked up to (Lawrence) and he's...just working away at this pumpkin."

Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence. "I just went up and said, 'Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you are screwing a pumpkin?' He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then looked me straight in the face and said, 'A pumpkin?, Damn...is it midnight already?'"

[Westernbiker]

True Embarrassing Moments

I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?" - Melinda Lowe, 39, Seguin T

An insurance man visited me at home to talk about our mortgage insurance. He was throwing a lot of facts and figures at me, and I wanted to follow as best I could, so I told my 6-year-old son to run and get me a pad. He came back and handed me a Kotex right in front of our guest. - Kate Newman, 46, Winston-Salem, NC

I was taking a shower when my 2 year old son came into the bathroom and wrapped himself in toilet paper. Although he made a mess, he looked adorable, so I ran for my camera and took a few shots. They came out so well that I had copies made and included one with each of our Christmas cards. Days later, a relative called about the picture, laughing hysterically, and suggesting I take a closer look. Puzzled, I stared at the photo and was shocked to discover that in addition to my son, I had captured my reflection in the mirror wearing nothing but a camera! - Name Withheld

I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could helpme. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing
with men's balls."- Colleen Collins, 31, Ferndale, MI

My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically, the boy grinned, and I turned beet red and walked away.- Faye Emerick, 34, Ellerslie, MD

A lady picked up several items at a discount store. When she finally got up to the checker, she learned that one of her items had no price tag. Imagine her embarrassment when the checker got on the intercom and boomed out for all the store to hear, "PRICE CHECK ON LANE THIRTEEN, TAMPAX, SUPER SIZE." That was bad enough, but somebody at the rear of the store apparently misunderstood the word "Tampax" for "THUMBTACKS." In a businesslike tone, a voice boomed back over the intercom. "DO YOU WANT THE KIND YOU PUSH IN WITH YOUR THUMB OR THE KIND YOU POUND IN WITH A HAMMER?" - Name Withheld

A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch and not paying attention. She went back to find out what was going on. He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy. The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office. He was to phone his mother and ask her what he should do about it. He did it and returned to his class. Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room. She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his penis hanging out. "I thought I told you to call your Mom," she screamed. "I did," he said, "and she told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she'd come and pick me up from school." - Name Withheld

[Westernbiker]

San Diego Zoo

Some years ago, the famous San Diego Zoo opened a second, larger branch called the San Diego Wild Animal Park. The Park is built around an enormous open-field enclosure where the animals roam free. To see the animals, visitors ride on a monorail called the Wgasa Bush Line which circles the enclosure. Here's the true story of how the Wgasa Bush Line got its name.

They wanted to give the monorail a jazzy, African sounding name. So they sent out a memo to a bunch of zoo staffers saying, "What shall we call the monorail at the Wild Animal Park?" One of the memos came back with "WGASA" written on the bottom. The planners loved it and the rest is history. What the planners didn't know was that the zoo staffer had not intended to suggest a name. He was using an acronym which was popular at the time.

It stood for "Who Gives A S**t Anyhow?"

[Westernbiker]

Amazing Facts

Each year 30,000 people are seriously injured by exercise equipment.

More than 50% of the world have never made or received a telephone call.

The word "set" has more definitions than any other word in the English language.

Due to gravitational effects, you weigh slightly less when the moon is directly overhead.

A female ferret will die if it goes into heat and cannot find a mate.

In its ancient form, the carrot was purple, not orange.

Snails breathe through their feet!

Its illegal to own a red car in Shanghai, China.

The first CD pressed in the USA was Bruce Springsteen 'Born in the USA'.

The bat on the Bacardi symbol is there because the soil where the sugar cane grows is fertile from the excessive guano (bat droppings.)

2 out of 5 people live in China or India.

Montpelier, Vermont is the only U.S. state capital without a McDonalds.

Coca-Cola was originally green.

It is impossible to lick your elbow.

90% of people who read that will attempt it...

Recycling one glass jar, saves enough energy to watch T.V for 3 hours.

Annually, the amount of garbage dumped in the worlds oceans, is three times the weight of fish that is caught from the oceans.

Most lipstick contains fish scales!

What's the most shoplifted book in the United States? The Bible!

Almonds are a member of the peach family.

97% of all paper money in the US contains traces of cocaine.

More than 10 people a year are killed by vending machines.

In America in 1977, the punishment for smuggling marijuana was 15 years less than the punishment for smuggling coffee!

[Westernbiker]

Top 25 Country Classics

25. Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth 'Cause I'm Kissing You Goodbye.

24. Her Teeth Was Stained, But Her Heart Were Pure.

23. How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?

22. I Don't Know Whether To Kill Myself Or Go Bowling.

21. I Just Bought A Car From A Guy That Stole My Girl, But The Car Don’t Run So I Figure We're Even.

20. I Keep Forgettin' I Forgot About You.

19. I Liked You Better Before I Knew You So Well.

18. I Still Miss You, Baby, But My Aim's Gettin' Better.

17. I Wouldn't Take Her To A Dog Fight, Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win.

16. I'll Marry You Tomorrow But Let's Honeymoon Tonight.

15. I'm So Miserable Without You, It's Like Having You Here

14. I've Got Tears In My Ears From Lyin' On My Back and Cryin' Over You.

13. If I Can't Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You.

12. If I Had Shot You When I Wanted To, I'd Be Out By Now.

11. Mama Get A Hammer (There's A Fly On Papa's Head).

10. My Head Hurts, My Feet Stink, And I Don't Love You.

9. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend And I Sure Do Miss Him.

8. Please Bypass This Heart.

7. She Got The Ring And I Got The Finger.

6. You Done Tore Out My Heart And Stomped That Sucker Flat. 5. You're The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly.

4. If the Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me.

3. She's Actin' Single and I'm Drinkin' Doubles.

2. She's Looking Better After Every Beer. And the Number

#1 Country and Western song of all Time is...

I Haven't Gone To Bed With Any Ugly Women But I've Sure Woke Up With A Few

[Westernbiker]

The 13 Rules Of Life

1. Never give yourself a haircut after three margaritas.

2. You need only two tools. WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn't, use the tape.

3. The five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship "I apologize" and "You are right."

4. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

5. When you make a mistake, make amends immediately. It's easier to eat crow while it's still warm.

6. The only really good advice that your mother ever gave you was," Go! You might meet somebody!"

7. If he/she says that you are too good for him/her--believe them.

8.Learn to pick your battles; ask yourself, 'Will this matter one year from now? How about one month? One week? One day?'

9. Never pass up an opportunity to pee.

10. If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You have another chance!

11. Living well really is the best revenge. Being miserable because of a bad or former relationship just might mean that the other person was right about you.12. Work is good, but it's not that important.

13. Be really nice to your friends and family. You never know when you are going to need them to empty your bedpan!

[Westernbiker]

12 Things You'd Never Hear Your Mother Say

12. "...and that's when I bitch-slapped the cop, grabbed his gun, and busted a cap in his sorry ass."

11. "It's okay to say 'I love you' if you just want sex. Trust me...girls understand that."

10. "How was your date, son? Did you nail her?"

9. "It's hot outdoors... why don't you two play that 'running around inside with scissors' game?"

8. "Oh, no! Not ANOTHER friggin' grandchild!"

7. "I hear that nice Mr. Condit is single."

6. "I am through judging everybody and everything."

5. "Not only can you go swimming right after dinner... you get to eat dessert in the pool, too!"

4. "Have you ever noticed what an incredible rip-off the flower delivery industry is?"

3. "Whoa -- get a load of the rack on that babe!"

2. "That state trooper can kick the trunk lid all he wants, we're not stopping until Mexico."

and the Number 1 Thing You'd Never Hear Your Mother (or ANY woman) Say... . "You're right. I'm wrong."

[Westernbiker]

Top Ten Put Downs

10) He said... I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it. She said...You wear briefs, don't you?

9) She said...What do you mean by coming home half drunk? He said... It's not my fault...I ran out of money.

He said... Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you in the worst way. She said...Well, you succeeded.

7) He said... 'Two inches more, and I would be king! She said...'Two inches less, and you'd be queen'

6) On wall in ladies room: "My husband follows me every where. Written just below it: "I do not."

5) He said... "Shall we try a different position tonight?" She said..."That's a good idea.... you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart. "

4) Priest... 'I don't think you will ever find another man like your late husband.' She said...'Who's gonna look?'

3) He said... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you? She said...Turn sideways and look in the mirror.

2) He said... Let's go out and have some fun tonight. She said...Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.

1) He said... Why don't you tell me when you have an orgasm? She said...I would, but you're never there.

[fuzzy2bucks]

Do you need glasses?
 
Look carefully at the picture below.






Did you see the bare butt of the girl in the background?

 
If you did see that in the picture, you need to have your eyes checked, as that is the shoulder of the girl holding the camera.
 
My appointment is at 2 pm tomorrow!

Shall I make one for you??

[Garfield]

Do you need glasses?
 
Look carefully at the picture below.






Did you see the bare butt of the girl in the background?

 
If you did see that in the picture, you need to have your eyes checked, as that is the shoulder of the girl holding the camera.
 
My appointment is at 2 pm tomorrow!

Shall I make one for you??

ROFL, you better make me one too 

[Jess Tolbirt]

i'll meet you guys at the optometrist