Just to make you feel better (HUMOR)

[Westernbiker]

Muhammad Ali Quotes

 "There's nothing wrong with getting knocked down, as long as you get right back up."

When asked about his golf game: "I'm the best. I just haven't played yet."

 "Howard Cosell was gonna be a boxer when he was a kid—only they couldn't find a mouthpiece big enough."

 "I'm so mean I make medicine sick."

 "It's just a job. Grass grows, birds fly, waves pound the sand. I beat people up."

 "At home I am a nice guy—but I don't want the world to know. Humble people, I've found, don't get very far."

 "It's hard to be humble, when you're as great as I am."

 "If they can make penicillin out of moldy bread, they can sure make something out of you."

On an upcoming fight with Floyd Patterson: "I'll beat him so bad he'll need a shoehorn to put his hat on."

After failing an Army intelligence test: "I said I was the greatest, not the smartest."

[Westernbiker]

Misc. Funny Quotes [unattributed].

I live in my own little world, but it's ok, they know me here. 

Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

I got a sweater for Christmas... I wanted a screamer or a moaner.

I don't approve of political jokes...I've seen too many of them get elected.

There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and shithead's

If life deals you lemons, make lemonade; if it deals you tomatoes, make Bloody Marys.

I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

Shopping tip: You can get shoes for 85 cents at bowling alleys.

I am a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I am perfect.

I married my wife for her looks...but not the ones she's been giving me lately!

Every day I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.

Isn't it funny how the mood can be ruined so quickly by just one busted condom?

No one ever says It's only a game, when their team is winning.

Midlife is when you go to the doctor and you realize you are now so old, you have to pay someone to look at you naked.

Midlife has hit you when you stand naked in front of a mirror and can see your rear end without turning around.

If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?

How come we choose from just two people for president and 50 for Miss America?

Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes, and lottery tickets are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.

Marriage changes passion...suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?

Old is when the porn movie you bring home is Debby Does Dialysis.

The next time you feel like complaining remember: Your garbage disposal probably eats better than thirty percent of the people in this world.

Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.

Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: Don’t pick that up, you don't know where it's been

[Westernbiker]

Quotes About Dogs

Did you hear about the dyslexic agnostic insomniac who stays up all night wondering if there really is a Dog? -- Unknown

Man is a dog's idea of what God should be. -- Holbrook Jackson

It's a dog eat dog world, and I'm wearing milk-bone underwear -- Norm, on Cheers

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's much too dark to read.
-- Groucho Marx

If your dog is fat, you aren't getting enough exercise. -- Unknown

Some days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant. -- Unknown

Whoever said you can't buy happiness forgot about puppies. -- Gene Hill

In dog years, I'm dead. -- Unknown

To his dog, every man is Napoleon; hence the constant popularity of dogs. -- Aldous Huxley

A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down. -- Robert Benchley

Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives. -- Sue Murphy

I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the guts to bite people themselves. -- August Strindberg

No animal should ever jump up on the dining room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation. -- Fran Lebowitz

Ever consider what they must think of us? I mean, here we come back from a grocery store with the most amazing haul -- chicken, pork, half a cow. They must think we're the greatest hunters on earth! -- Anne Tyler

I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult. -- Rita Rudner

[Westernbiker]

Quotes About Cats

No matter how much cats fight, there always seem to be plenty of kittens -- Abraham Lincoln

Dogs have Owners, Cats have Staff. -- Anon

There are many intelligent species in the universe. They are all owned by cats. -- Anon

If a dog jumps in your lap, it is because he is fond of you; but if a cat does the same thing, it is because your lap is warmer. -- Alfred North Whitehead

Cats always seem so very wise, when staring with their half-closed eyes. Can they be thinking, ''I'll be nice, and maybe she will feed me twice?'' -- Bette Midler

The cat could very well be man's best friend but would never stoop to admitting it. -- Doug Larson

One cat just leads to another. -- Ernest Hemingway
The phrase 'domestic cat' is an oxymoron. -- George Will
I've met many thinkers and many cats, but the wisdom of cats is infinitely superior. --  Hippolyte Taine

Cats are smarter than dogs. You can not get eight cats to pull a sled through snow. -- Jeff Valdez

A home without a cat--and a well-fed, well-petted and properly revered cat--may be a perfect home, perhaps, but how can it prove title? -- Mark Twain

A cat is more intelligent than people believe, and can be taught any crime. -- Mark Twain

Of all God's creatures there is only one that cannot be made the slave of the lash. That one is the cat. If man could be crossed with a cat it would improve man, but it would deteriorate the cat. -- Mark Twain

That cat will write her autograph all over your leg if you let her. -- Mark Twain

You may say a cat uses good grammar. Well, a cat does - but you let a cat get excited once; you let a cat get to pulling fur with another cat on a shed, nights, and you'll hear grammar that will give you the lockjaw. Ignorant people think it's the noise which fighting cats make that is so aggravating, but it ain't so; it's the sickening grammar they use.  -- Mark Twain

Dogs come when they're called; cats take a message and get back to you later.  -- Mary Bly

When I play with my cat, who knows whether I do not make her more sport than she makes me? -- Michael de Montaigne

Some people say that cats are sneaky, evil, and cruel. True, and they have many other fine qualities as well. -- Missy Dizick

If cats could talk, they wouldn't. -- Nan Porter

Authors like cats because they are such quiet, lovable, wise creatures, and cats like authors for the same reasons. -- Robertson Davies

To bathe a cat takes brute force, perseverance, courage of conviction and a cat. The last ingredient is usually hardest to come by. -- Stephen Baker

[GreenLantern57]

A man walks into a bar, he sees two pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling.
He asks the barman, "Why are those two pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling?"
The barman replies, "It's a competition which we run every night. If you can jump up and touch the meat, you get free drinks for the whole night."
"Great!" says the man, "but what if I can't reach them?"
"Then you have to buy all the drinks for everyone all night," the barman answers. "Do you want to try?"
 "No, but thanks anyway."
"Why not?", asks the barman.

 "The steaks are too high." 

[donaldcc]

  This explains why I forward jokes.

A man and his dog were walking along a road. The man was enjoying the scenery, when it suddenly occurred to him that he was dead.
He remembered dying, and that the dog walking beside him had been dead for years. He wondered where the road was leading them.
After a while, they came to a high, white stone wall along one side of the road. It looked like fine marble... At the top of a long hill, it was broken by a tall arch that glowed in the sunlight.
When he was standing before it he saw a magnificent gate in the arch that looked like mother-of-pearl, and the street that led to the gate looked like pure gold. He and the dog walked toward the gate, and as he got closer, he saw a man at a desk to one side.
When he was close enough, he called out, 'Excuse me, where are we?'
'This is Heaven, sir,' the man answered.. 'Wow! Would you happen to have some water?' the man asked.
Of course, sir. Come right in, and I'll have some ice water brought right up. 'The man gestured, and the gate began to open.
'Can my friend,' gesturing toward his dog, 'come in, too?' the traveler asked.
'I'm sorry, sir, but we don't accept pets.'
The man thought a moment and then turned back toward the road and continued the way he had been going with his dog.
After another long walk, and at the top of another long hill, he came to a dirt road leading through a farm gate that looked as if it had never been closed. There was no fence.
As he approached the gate, he saw a man inside, leaning against a tree and reading a book.
'Excuse me!' he called to the man. 'Do you have any water?'
'Yeah, sure, there's a pump over there, come on in.'
'How about my friend here?' the traveler gestured to the dog.
'There should be a bowl by the pump.'
They went through the gate, and sure enough, there was an old-fashioned hand pump with a bowl beside it.
The traveler filled the water bowl and took a long drink himself, then he gave some to the dog.
When they were full, he and the dog walked back toward the man who was standing by the tree.
'What do you call this place?' the traveler asked.
'This is Heaven,' he answered.
'Well, that's confusing,' the traveler said. 'The man down the road said that was Heaven, too.'
'Oh, you mean the place with the gold street and pearly gates? Nope. That's hell.'
'Doesn't it make you mad for them to use your name like that?'
'No, we're just happy that they screen out the folks who would leave their best friends behind.'
Soooo...
Sometimes, we wonder why friends keep forwarding jokes to us without writing a word.
Maybe this will explain.
When you are very busy, but still want to keep in touch, guess what you do?You forward jokes.
When you have nothing to say, but still want to keep contact, you forward jokes.
When you have something to say, but don't know what, and don't know how,you forward jokes.
Also to let you know that you are still remembered, you are still important, you are still loved, you are still cared for, guess what you get? A forwarded joke.
So, next time if you get a joke, don't think that you've been sent just another forwarded joke, but that you've been thought of today and your friend on the other end of your computer wanted to send you a smile.
You are all welcome @ my water bowl anytime

P.S. There comes a point in your life when you realize:
* Who matters,
* Who never did,
* Who won't anymore,
* And who always will.
So, don't worry about people from your past, there's a reason why they didn't make it to your future.
- Anonymous

[fuzzy2bucks]

The new military uniform with the official abolishment of "Don't ask, Don't Tell:










`










`

[bigguy]

The Manslater	powered by Aeva

[fuzzy2bucks]

Laws of the Natural Universe



Law of Mechanical Repair:
After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch or you'll have to pee.

(Comment; The guy that wrote this knew what he was talking about)



Law of the Workshop:
Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.



Law of Probability:
The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.



Law of the Telephone:
If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.




Law of the Alibi:
If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.



Variation Law:
If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).



(Comment; I can vouch for this. Its happened to us EVERY time we've travelled overseas both going out of New Zealand and coming back in as well as going into and coming out of the country we've travelled to.



Law of the Bath:
When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.




Law of Close Encounters:
The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.




Law of the Result:
When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.



Law of Biomechanics:
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.




Law of the Theatre:
At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.




Law of Coffee:
As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.




Murphy's Law of Lockers:
If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.




Law of Rugs/Carpets:
The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.




Brown's Law:
If the shoe fits, it's ugly.



Oliver's Law:
A closed mouth gathers no feet.



Wilson's Law:
As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.









`

[GreenLantern57]

A man and his wife  were at home watching TV.

He had the remote and was switching back and forth between a fishing channel and the porn channel.

She became more and more annoyed and finally said:   

"For God's sakes, leave it on the porn channel.  You already know how to fish."

[Jess from VA]

Variation on above:

The missus was watching a cooking program the other day.

 

 

I said, "What you watching that for?  You can't cook."

 

 

She said,  "You watch porn."

 

 
"Bitch."

[Jess from VA]

Year to date statistics on new Airport screening from the Department of Homeland Security and TSAR:

 

Terrorist Plots Discovered:           0

Transvestites:                            133

Hernias:                                   1,485

Hemorrhoid Cases:                   3,172

Enlarged Prostates:                  8,249

Breast Implants:                    59,350

Natural Blondes:                         3

[Jess from VA]

best of craigslist > seattle > Insanely Aggressive, Territorial, Guard Duck, (Muscovy)
Originally Posted: Tue, 26 Jan 12:13 PST
Insanely Aggressive, Territorial, Guard Duck, (Muscovy)
Date: 2010-01-26, 12:13PM PST

Hello.
This posting is about "MR. DUCKY." When he was a chick, he was my favorite out of the entire flock. He was one of the few ducks that would gently nibble on my finger. He would always let me pet him and feed him spinach. Now he has become a horrible monster of a duck. His nibble has turned into a skin-tearing instrument, his feet have turned into painful, skin-piercing talons. Anything moving in the yard that is non-duck, he attacks. He attacks raccoons. He attacks dogs. He attacks cats. Now he even attacks full grown humans, galloping around the yard with clipped wings like some sort of maniac. Sandals are out of the picture now, unless I want scabs on my feet. This was semi-tolerable for a while, but now he can inflict a fair amount of pain on my calf through my work jeans, and I can't get anything done in my back yard. So this is my ad. If you want a duck that will scare/maim/fight any animal that might be threatening your flock, MR. DUCKY is the craziest damn duck I have ever seen in my entire life. He is only friendly with ducks. I don't know about chickens, but he charges crows or other birds that land in the yard. He is a great guard duck. I have a newborn son that I want to have ten fingers growing up. $40 OBO, MR.DUCKY. Upon pickup, feel free to observe his behavior. He is one-of-a-kind.
Call: 253-[deleted] I live in Bremerton, will deliver.

    * Location: Bremerton
    * it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

[Jess from VA]

Harley video from Sturgis.

http://video.hollywoodreporter.com/services/player/bcpid87884717001?bctid=656258532001

[Westernbiker]

Scotch

A Scotsman walks into a pub and orders three double whiskies. He downs one, engages in casual conversation with the barman, eventually finishing the other two.

Next day he comes in and does the same. This goes on for a few days until the barman finally says: "You know, I can put all those doubles in a pint glass for you."

"No, no, I prefer it this way. See, I'm very close to my two brothers, but one lives in America now and the other in Australia, so this represents a drink for each of us. This way I can be closer to them and feel like we are all having a drink together."

The barman agrees and continues to set them up as requested. This goes on for several months, then one day, the Scotsman orders only two doubles. The barman begins to worry that maybe something has happened to one of his brothers. Finally, he asks: "Is everything all right?"

"What do you mean?" replies the Scotsman.

"Well", the barman says, "All these months you've ordered three drinks. Now you've only ordered two, I hope something didn’t happen to one of your brothers."

"Oh no," the Scotsman replied, "They’re both fine. It's just that I quit drinking."

[Westernbiker]

Genie

A huge muscular man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender hands him the beer and says "You know, I'm not gay but I want to compliment you on your physique, it really is phenomenal! I have a question though, why is your head so small?"

The big guy nods slowly. He's obviously fielded this question many times.

"One day," he begins, "I was hunting when I got lost in the woods. I heard someone crying for help and finally realized that it was coming from a frog sitting next to a stream. So I picked up the frog and it said "Kiss me and I will turn into a genie and grant you 3 wishes."

"So I looked around to make sure I was alone and gave the frog a kiss. POOF! The frog turned into a beautiful, voluptuous, naked woman. She said, "You now have 3 wishes."

"I looked down at my scrawny 115 pound body and said, "I want a body like Arnold Schwarzenegger." She nodded, whispered a spell, and POOF! there I was, so huge that I ripped out of my clothes and was standing there naked! She then asked, "What will be your second wish?" I looked hungrily at her beautiful body and replied, "I want to make sensuous love with you here by this stream."

"She nodded, laid down, and beckoned to me. We then made love for hours! Later, as we lay there next to each other, sweating from our glorious lovemaking, she whispered into my ear, "You know, you do have one more wish. What will it be?"

"I looked at her and replied,  "How about a little head?"

[Westernbiker]

The Monkey

A man walks into a bar with a monkey he had just bought at the pet store. He sits down at the bar and orders a beer.

The monkey jumps down off his shoulder and runs over to the pool table and ate the cue-ball.

The bartender says "Your monkey just ate the cue-ball!!! GET OUT NOW!!" so the man picks up the monkey and leaves.

Two months later the same man comes back with the monkey on a leash.

The monkey jumps off his shoulder and grabs a peanut, shoves it up his ass, pulls it out then eats it.

The bartender says " Did your monkey just shove a peanut up his ass then eat it?"

The man says "Yeah ever since the cue-ball incident he checks everything for size."

[Westernbiker]

Ugly

A guy is sitting all alone at a bar, the bartender looks at him and laughs. The man shrugs it off...

The bartender looks at him and laughs again, the bartender finally went over to the man and said "I'm sorry but you have to be the ugliest man that I have ever seen."

The man replied by saying I don’t think so. I can get any lady that I want.

The bartender looks around and sees a hot blond sitting at the table with her huge boyfriend, and tells the ugly man that he bet $50 that he couldn’t get the woman to even talk to him.

The ugly man agrees and says "I'll bet another $50 that I can walk straight out the door with her.

The bartender accepted.

The ugly man walked over the girl jumped into his arms and they walked out the door.

The bartender went over to the boyfriend and said, "Damn that sucks but what happened?"

The man replied with "I don’t know. He just stood there licking his eyebrows."

[fuzzy2bucks]

Year to date statistics on Airport pat-down screening from the TSA


Terrorist Plots Discovered 0

Transvestites 133

Hernias 1,485

Hemorrhoid Cases 3,172

Incontinence 6,418

Enlarged Prostates 8,249

Breast Implants 99,350


Covered passengers (presumably Muslim women, but who knows for sure) positively identified = 0

Nuns molested = 8,623

Children stripped and groped in public = 1,943,615

Natural Blondes = 3


But on the positive side they have confiscated over 3,000 nail clippers from machine gun carrying service personnel on active duty who were being deployed.








`

[fuzzy2bucks]

Plane fun



A man gets on a plane and takes his seat, only to realise that the occupant of the seat next to him is a parrot. The plane takes off and after some minutes a stewardess approaches. "Can I get you anything, sir?" she asks the man".


"Yes, I'll have a coffee, please, when you have a minute. Thank you".


"And for you, sir?" she asks the parrot.

 
"A double whisky and coke, bitch, and make it quick, I'm thirsty!" demands the parrot.


The stewardess returns a few minutes later with the parrot's drink, which he snatches without a word. "Excuse me," says the man, "but I ordered a coffee".


"Did you, sir? I'm sorry, I'll get you one straight away". By which time the parrot has finished his drink. "Anything else for you, sir?" the stewardess asks the parrot.

 
"Yeah, I want another double whisky and coke, tart. Quick, bitch, I can't wait all night!"


Again the stewardess returns with the parrot's drink and without the coffee. Naturally the man thinks the only way he is going to get any service is to adopt the attitude of his fellow passenger.


"Listen here you stupid slapper," he says to the stewardess, "I want my bloody coffee and I want it now, you cow!"


Two minutes later the stewardess returns but this time with two enormous security guards, who proceed to manhandle the man and the parrot to the back of the plane, open the door and eject them from the plane.


As they hurtle uncontrollably towards earth from 6 miles up the parrot turns to the man and says,        "You're a bit of a lippy bastard for someone who can't fly, aren't you!"






`

[fuzzy2bucks]

CANNIBALS



Q. When do cannibals finally leave the dinner table?




*







*



*


A. After everyones eaten.

 _________________________________________________________________________________


 
Two cannibals are eating a clown.  One turns to the other and asks "Does this taste funny to you?"

[fuzzy2bucks]

Cat scan



A man takes his hamster to the vet, and after a short look at the creature the vet pronounces it dead.


Not happy with the vet's diagnosis the man asks for a second opinion.


The vet gives a whistle and in strolls a Labrador dog. The dog nudges the hamster around with its nose and sniffs it a couple of times before shaking his head. "There" says the vet,” Your hamster is dead".


Still not happy the man asks for a third opinion. The vet opens the back door and in bounds a cat. The cat jumps onto the table and looks the hamster up and down for a few minutes before looking up and shaking it's head. "It's definitely dead sir", says the vet.


Convinced, the man enquires how much he owes. "That will be $1000, please". " $1000 just to tell me my hamster is dead" fumes the man. "Well", says the vet. . .

 "There's my diagnosis, the lab report and the cat scan".







`

[HayHauler]

Monkey in the bar is my fav lately Westernbiker... hahahahaha


Hay 
Jimmyt

[Westernbiker]

Yea, it was a pretty good one. LOL!

[Westernbiker]

Things That Are Difficult To Say When You're Drunk

a) Innovative
b) Preliminary
c) Proliferation
d) Cinnamon

Things that are VERY difficult to say when you're drunk
a) Specificity
b) British Constitution
c) Passive-aggressive disorder
d) Transubstantiate

Things that are DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE to say when you're drunk
a) Thanks, but I don't want to sleep with you.
b) Nope, no more booze for me.
c) Sorry, but you're not really my type.
d) No kebab for me, thank you.
e) Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight?
f) I'm not interested in fighting you.
g) Oh, I just couldn't - no one wants to hear me sing.
h) Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have zero co-ordination.
i) Where is the nearest toilet? I refuse to vomit in the street.

And as an added extra;
"I must be going home now as I have work in the morning."

[Westernbiker]

Warning

If government is going to put health warning labels on beer, wine and liquor, let's at least have a little truthfulness about the matter!

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to wake up with breath that could knock a buzzard off a crap truck at 100 yards.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an idiot.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to smash your head in.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the boss what you REALLY THINK while photocopying your butt at the office Christmas party.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell ever happened to your pants (panties) anyway.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and/or name you can't remember).

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burn on the forehead.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer, and smarter than some really, really huge biker guy named "Big Al".

[fuzzy2bucks]

TREE HUGGER:


A woman from Los Angeles, who was a tree hugger and an anti-hunter,
purchased a piece of timberland. There was a large tree on one of the
highest points in the tract. She wanted a good view of the natural splendor
of her land so she started to climb the big tree. As she neared the top she
encountered a spotted owl that attacked her.


In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground and got
many splinters in her crotch.


In considerable pain, she hurried to the nearest doctor. She told him she
was an environmentalist and an anti-hunter and how she came to get all the
splinters. The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then
told her to go into the examining room and he would see if he could help
her.


She sat and waited three hours before the doctor reappeared. The angry woman demanded, "What took you so long?"
 

He smiled and then told her, "Well, I had to get permits from the
Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land
Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a recreational area.
I'm sorry, but they turned me down."

[Westernbiker]

Nerd Season

A truck driver, hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers, stops for a beer. As he approaches the bar, he sees a big sign on the door that says, "COMPUTER NERDS NOT ALLOWED - ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK!" He enters and sits down.

The bartender comes over to him, sniffs, and says that he smells kind of nerdy. He then asks him what he does for a living. The truck driver explains to him that he drives a truck, and the smell is just from the computers he is hauling. The bartender serves him a beer and says, "OK, truck drivers aren't nerds."

As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in wearing a pair of glasses with tape around the middle, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a belt that is at least a foot too long. The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away. The truck driver asks him why he did that.

The bartender replied, "Don't worry. The computer nerds are in season because they are overpopulating Silicon Valley. You don't even need a license."

So the truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and heads for the freeway. Suddenly, he veers to avoid an accident, and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the road. He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, snatching up all of the computers. The scavengers are comprised of engineers, accountants and programmers - computer geeks. Each of them wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen.

He can't let them steal his whole load. So remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, killing several of them instantly. A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car screaming at him to stop.

The truck driver said, "What's wrong? I thought computer nerds were in season."

"Well, sure," says the patrolman, "But you can't bait 'em!"

[Garfield]

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and/or name you can't remember).

That's what post it notes are for

[fuzzy2bucks]

Irish Gas Attendant




Taking a wee break from the golf circuit, Tiger Woods drives his new BMW into an Irish gas station.


An attendant greets him in typical Irish manner, unaware who the golf pro is, "Top o' the morning to ya".
 

As Tiger gets out of the car, two tees fall out of his pocket. "So what are those things my, son?" asks the attendant.


"They're called tees," replied Tiger.


"And what would ya be usin 'em for, now?" inquired the Irishman.


"Well, they're for resting my balls on when I drive," replies Tiger.



"Aw, Jaysus, Mary an' Joseph!" exclaimed the Irish attendant. "Those fellas working for BMW think of everything!"










`

[fuzzy2bucks]

Coke



Drug dealin thief



When Nathan  Radlich's house was burgled, thieves left his TV, his VCR, and even left his  watch. What they did take was "generic white cardboard box filled with  greyish-white powder." (That at least is the way the police described it.)  A spokesman for the Fort  Lauderdale police said, "that it looked  similar to cocaine and they'd probably thought they'd hit the big time."
 

Then Nathan stood in front of the TV cameras and pleaded with the burglars: "Please return the cremated  remains of my sister, Gertrude. She died three years ago."


Well, the next morning, the  bullet-riddled corpse of a drug dealer known as Hoochie Pevens was found on  Nathan's doorstep. The cardboard box was there too; about half of Gertrude's ashes remained. And there was this note. It said: "Hoochie sold us the bogus  blow, so we wasted Hoochie. Sorry we snorted your sister. No hard feelings. Have  a nice day."









`

[fuzzy2bucks]

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT


 
1. She is not a "BABE" or a "CHICK" -- She is a "BREASTED AMERICAN."


2. She is not a "SCREAMER" or a "MOANER" -- She is "VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE."

 
3. She is not "EASY" - She is "HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE."

 
4. She is not a "DUMB BLONDE" -
   She is a "LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE  INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY."

 
5. She has not "BEEN AROUND" - She is a "PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION

 
6. She is not an "AIRHEAD" - She is "REALITY IMPAIRED."

 
7. She does not get "DRUNK" or "TIPSY" - She gets "CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED."

 
8. She does not have "BREAST IMPLANTS" - She is "MEDICALLY ENHANCED."

 
9. She does not "NAG" you - She becomes "VERBALLY REPETITIVE."

 
10. She is not a "TRAMP" - She is "SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED."

 
11. She does not have "MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS" - She is "PECTORALLY SUPERIOR."

 
12. She is not a "TWO-BIT HOOKER" - She is a "LOW COST PROVIDER."









`

 

[Stormrider65]

You guys should take this on the road.  You could make a bloody fortune.  I have been laughing and reading these to my wife and whoever will listen.  I have an XM radio in my rig and listen to the comedy channels a lot.  A lot of these are a lot funnier than my XM.  Keep em coming

Walt

[gabby]

Did you hear about the state of Kentucky arresting illeagal aliens for trespassing?





It IS TRUE !!!!!!!!! It is going thru the legislature process right now---CAN YOU IMAGINE THAT ?

[fuzzy2bucks]

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT




 
1. He does not have a "BEER GUT" - He has developed a "LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY."

 
 
2. He does not "GET LOST ALL THE TIME", He "INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS."


 
3. He is not "BALDING" - He is in "FOLLICLE REGRESSION."



4. He is not a "CRADLE ROBBER" - He prefers "GENERATIONAL DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS."


 
5. He does not get "FALLING-DOWN DRUNK" - He becomes "ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL."


 
6. He does not act like a "TOTAL A$#" - He develops a case of "RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION."


 
7. He is not a "MALE CHAUVINIST PIG" - He has "SWINE EMPATHY."


 
8. He is not afraid of "COMMITMENT" - He is "RELATIONSHIP CHALLENGED."


 
9. He is not "HORNY" - He is "SEXUALLY FOCUSED."


 
10. It's not his "CRACK" you see hanging out of his pants - It's "REAR-CLEAVAGE."










`

[fuzzy2bucks]

Never end a sentence with a preposition



  Harry is getting along in years and finds that he is
  unable to perform sexually. He finally goes to his
  doctor who tries a few things, but nothing seems to
  work. So the doctor refers him to an American Indian
  medicine man.


  The medicine man says, "I can cure this." That said,
  he throws a white powder in a flame, and there is a
  flash with billowing blue smoke.


  Then he says, "This is powerful medicine. You can
  only use it once a year. All you have to do is say
  '123,' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!"


  The guy then asks, "What happens when it's over, and
  I don't want to continue?"


  The medicine man replies: "All you or your partner
  has to say is 1234, and it will go down. But be
  warned - it will not work again for another year."


  Harry rushes home, eager to try out his new powers
  and prowess.


  That night he is ready to surprise Joyce. He
  showers, shaves, and puts on his most exotic shaving
  lotion. He gets into bed, and lying next to her
  says, "123." He suddenly becomes more aroused than
  anytime in his life -just as the medicine man had
  promised.


  Joyce, who had been facing away, turns over and
  asks, "What did you say 123 for?"

  And now you know why you shouldn't end a sentence
  with a preposition.

[fuzzy2bucks]

Smart Rooster



John the farmer was in the fertilized egg business.  He had several hundred young layers (hens), called "pullets", and ten roosters, whose job it was to fertilize the eggs (for you city folks).


The farmer kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot and was replaced.  That took an awful lot of his time, so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters.  Each bell had a different tone so John could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing.

Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells. The farmer's favorite rooster was old Butch, and a very fine specimen he was, too.


But on this particular morning John noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all!  John went to investigate.


The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing.  The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.


But to Farmer John's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring.  He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.


John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Renfrew County Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.



The result.. .The judges not only awarded old Butch the No Bell Piece Prize but they also awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well.


 
Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making: who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.







`

[bigguy]

We got two feet of snow here in Texarkana Texas.

[Westernbiker]

Life Explained

On the first day God created the cow. God said, "You must go to the field
with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give
milk to support the farmer. I will give you a life span of sixty years." The
cow said, "That's a kind of tough life you want me to live for sixty years.
Let me have twenty years and I'll give back the other forty." And God
agreed.

On the second day, God created the dog. God said, "sit all day by
the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. I will
give you a life span of twenty years." The dog said, "That's too long to be
barking. Give me ten years and I'll give back the other ten." So God agreed
(sigh).

On the third day God created the monkey. God said, "Entertain
people, do monkey tricks, make them laugh. I'll give you a twenty year life
span." Monkey said, "How boring, monkey tricks for twenty years? I don't
think so. Dog gave you back ten, so that's what I'll do too, okay?" And God
agreed again.

On the fourth day God created man. God said, "Eat, sleep,
play, have sex, enjoy. Do nothing, just enjoy,. I'll give you twenty years."
Man said, "What? Only twenty years? No way man. Tell you what, I'll take my
twenty, and the forty cow gave back and the ten dog gave back and the then
monkey gave back. That makes eighty, okay?" "Okay," said God. "You've got a
deal." So that is why for the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play, have
sex, enjoy, and do nothing; for the next forty years we slave in the sun to
support our family; for the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain
our grandchildren; and for the last ten years we sit in front of the house
and bark at everybody.

Life has now been explained

[Westernbiker]

Papal Visit

The Pope is visiting town and all the residents are dressed up in their best Sunday clothes.

Everyone lines up on main street hoping for a personal blessing from the Pope.

One local man has put on his best suit and he's sure the Pope will stop and talk to him. He is standing next to an exceptionally down-trodden looking bum who doesn't smell very good.

As the Pope comes walking by he leans over and says something to the bum and then walks right by the local man.

He can't believe it, then it hits him. The pope won't talk to him, he's concerned for the unfortunate people the poor and and feeble ones. Thinking fast, he gives the bum $20 to trade clothes with him.

He puts on the bums clothing and runs down the street to line up for another chance for the pope to stop and talk to him.

Sure enough, the Pope walks right up to him this time, leans over close and says "I thought I told you to get the hell out of here!"