Just to make you feel better (HUMOR)

[fuzzy2bucks]

He went into the future and returned to the 60's.





http://www.hotforwords.com/wp-content/uploads/lookatfuture.jpeg

[fuzzy2bucks]

What can cause the most grief and suffering after eating it?     (joke)




A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa. "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here,  years ago.
 

Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining.
 

Chinese food is loaded with MSG.


High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us  realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But  there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have,  or will, eat it.


Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the  most  grief and suffering for years after eating it?" After several seconds  of  quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly  said, "Wedding Cake."








`

[fuzzy2bucks]

Conversion of Boudreaux




Boudreaux, a Cajun highlander from Rapides Parish in central Louisiana,


was an older, single gentleman, who was born and raised a Baptist,


living in South Louisiana.




Each Friday night after work, he would fire


up his outdoor grill and cook a venison steak. Now, all of Boudreaux's


neighbors were Catholic... and since it was Lent, they were forbidden


from eating meat on Fridays.


The delicious aroma from the grilled


venison steaks was causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful that


they finally talked to their priest. The priest came to visit Boudreaux,


and suggested that Boudreaux convert to Catholicism.


After several classes and much study, Boudreaux attended Mass... and as


the priest sprinkled holy water over him, he said, "You were born a


Baptist and raised a Baptist, but now you are Catholic."
 


Boudreaux's neighbors were greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived,


and the wonderful aroma of grilled venison filled the neighborhood. The


priest was called immediately by the neighbors and, as he rushed into


Boudreaux's yard, clutching a rosary and prepared to scold him, he


stopped in amazement and watched. 


There stood Boudreaux, clutching a


small bottle of water which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling


meat, and chanted:

 

"You wuz born a deer,and you wuz raised a deer, but NOW you a  catfish."





`

[Jess from VA]

Now that one is killing me!!!!  (and being sent to a Jesuit friend)

[Westernbiker]

The Revised Official Moron Test

This test is based upon typical graduation requirements at The University of Hard Knocks. It separates the dumb people from the really dumb people.

Answer the following 13 questions, then scroll down and check your answers. DON'T CHEAT!!! When you are done, count the number correct and see how you compare to others. OK, here we go......

1. Is there a 4th of July in England? Yes or no?
2. How many birthdays does the average man have?
3. Some months have 31 days. How many have 28?
4. How many outs are there in an inning?
5. Is it legal for a man in California to marry his widow's sister?
6. Take the number 30, divide it by ½ and then add 10. What do you get?
7. There are 3 apples and you take two away. How many apples are you left with?
8. A doctor gives you three pills and tells you to take one every half an hour. How long will the pills last?
9. A farmer has 17 sheep. All but 9 of them die. How many sheep are left?
10. How many animals did Moses bring with him on the ark?
11. A butcher in the market is 5 10 tall. What does he weigh?
12. How many two-cent stamps are there in a dozen?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Answers:

1. Yes. It comes right after the 3rd.
2. One. You can only be born once.
3. Twelve. All of them have at least 28 days.
4. Six. Don t forget there is a top and bottom to every inning.
5. No. He must be dead if it is his widow!
6. Seventy. 30 divided by ½ is 60.
7. Two, you take two apples therefore you have two apples.
8. One hour. If you take the first pill at 1.00 the second at 1:30, and the third at 2pm, the pills have run out and only an hour has passed.
9. Nine. Like I said, all but nine die.
10. None. Moses didn't have an ark.
11. Meat that is self-explanatory.
12. Twelve. How many eggs are in a dozen?

So, how did you do?

12 correct GENIUS you are good!
10-11 correct ABOVE AVERAGE but don t let it go to your head.
7-9 correct AVERAGE but who wants to be average.
4-6 correct SLOW pay attention to the question.
1-3 correct IDIOT what else can I say.
0 correct CONGRATULATIONS you are a certified moron!!!

[Westernbiker]

Blonde paint job
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

 

[Westernbiker]

You Must Be A Redneck If
* You recycle your own toilet paper

* Your mom has to shave more times a month than your dad

* You see a bill board that says "Don't do crack" and it reminds you to pull up your pants.

* You stare at a carton of orange juice because it says "concentrate."

* Your bumper sticker reads: "One more Whore and We Get Gore."

* The nativity scene you set up in your yard at Christmas includes two pink flamingos and baby Jesus lying in a painted tire.

* Most of your teeth are on a chain around your neck.

* You hunt from your bedroom window.

* Your dad walks you to school because you're in the same grade.

* You refrigerate your food stamps.

* You use a 10 penny nail to pick your teeth after a night of road kill.

* You have ever dressed your child as a "Snot-rag" for Halloween.

* Your idea of a loaded dishwasher is getting your wife drunk.

* You and your spouse get divorced and you are still relatives.

* You go to your local ice cream store and order Copenhagen "sprinkles" on your cone.

* You know instinctively that red wine goes with opossum.

* You're always looking to find your Mother-in-Law's picture on the back of a milk carton!

* The officer that just pulled you over asks if "you have any I.D."..and you respond "About whut?"

* You take a beer to a job interview.

* You are caught roll'n your trailer down the street to jump start the heater.

* When you finish eatin' your bologna you use the rind for dental floss.

* You go to Goodwill to meet women.

* You and your friends are putting an engine in a pickup, drinking beer, and the conversation is: Which county jail has the best food!

 

[Westernbiker]

Southern Comments
Exclamations:

"Well knock me down and steal muh teeth!"

"Well, butter my butt and call me a biscuit."

Threats:

"I'll slap you so hard, your clothes will be outtastyle."

"This'll jar your preserves."

"Don't you be makin' me open a can o' whoop-ass on ya!"

Good Things/Compliments:

"Cute as a sack full of puppies."

"If things get any better, I may have to hire someone to help me enjoy it."

"Gooder than grits."

The Weather:

"It's so dry, the trees are bribing the dogs."

"It's been hotter'n a goat's butt in a pepper patch."

Wintry roads are said to be "slicker than otter snot."

Descriptions:

A bothersome person is "like a booger that you can't thump off."

When something is bad then you say, "that ain't no count."

If something is hard to do, it's "like trying to herd cats."

"He ran like his feet was on fire and his ass was catchin."

A hectic schedule keeps you "Busier than a cat covering crap on a marble floor."

Insults:

"She's uglier than homemade soap."

"Your momma's so fat, when she stepped up on the scale to be weighed, it said 'To be continued.'"

"He fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down."

"Uglier than a lard bucket full of armpits."

"The wheels still turning, but the hamsters dead"

Any insulting statement is always followed by "bless his/her heart."

Example: "She's dumber than a door knob, bless her heart."

 

[fuzzy2bucks]

Porch . . .      

[Sludge]

Southern Comments

Funny how folks not from the south come up with these. 

Here are a few examples of real southernisms from my neck of the woods...

-Wow, that as sexy as a rooster wearing tube socks!

-He was as nervous as a long tail cat in a room full of rocking chairs

-He was as nervous as a possum sh|tting persimmon seeds.

-He was grinning like a mule chewing briar's.

-He hopped on that like a duck on a June bug.


... you get the idea.

[bigguy]

Conversion of Boudreaux
Boudreaux, a Cajun highlander from Rapides Parish in central Louisiana,
was an older, single gentleman, who was born and raised a Baptist,
living in South Louisiana.
Each Friday night after work, he would fire
up his outdoor grill and cook a venison steak. Now, all of Boudreaux's
neighbors were Catholic... and since it was Lent, they were forbidden
from eating meat on Fridays.
The delicious aroma from the grilled
venison steaks was causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful that
they finally talked to their priest. The priest came to visit Boudreaux,
and suggested that Boudreaux convert to Catholicism.
After several classes and much study, Boudreaux attended Mass... and as
the priest sprinkled holy water over him, he said, "You were born a
Baptist and raised a Baptist, but now you are Catholic."
Boudreaux's neighbors were greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived,
and the wonderful aroma of grilled venison filled the neighborhood. The
priest was called immediately by the neighbors and, as he rushed into
Boudreaux's yard, clutching a rosary and prepared to scold him, he
stopped in amazement and watched.  
There stood Boudreaux, clutching a
small bottle of water which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling
meat, and chanted:

 

"You wuz born a deer,and you wuz raised a deer, but NOW you a  catfish."

Ha ha! Good idea, wrong species.
The following is not a joke,  but still funny.
Capybara a fish?

Quote from The Sun article "The Days before Easter" Link to article

There are different versions of the tale of the Vatican choice that made capybara into a South American Easter treat. Most cite a request from 16th-century European missionaries in the region who were facing limited food supply and had trouble selling converts on Lent's month of abstentions. According to legend, the clergymen sent a message to Vatican authorities, describing a furry creature that spends much of its time swimming with its webbed feet, implying that it might be a fish - and hinting that permission to eat the animal could save them from possible starvation.


I didn't find any mention of holy water.

[bigguy]

Southern Comments

Funny how folks not from the south come up with these.  

Here are a few examples of real southernisms from my neck of the woods...

-Wow, that as sexy as a rooster wearing tube socks!

-He was as nervous as a long tail cat in a room full of rocking chairs

-He was as nervous as a possum sh|tting persimmon seeds.

-He was grinning like a mule chewing briar's.

-He hopped on that like a duck on a June bug.


... you get the idea.

Some more from south east Arkansas:

• I'll slap you hard enough to give your grandpa a black eye. (Variation is I'll hit you hard enough to knock out your grampa's teeth.)
• She's ugly enough to make a freight train take a dirt road at midnight. (Self explanatory)
• She's a two bagger. (You put a bag on your head also in case the one on her head breaks.)
• Ugly enough to scare the buzzards off a gut wagon. (Self explanatory)
• A blind man on a galloping horse at a thousand yard'll never know the difference. (A measure of quality control)
• Gooder'n snuff (Something is more than acceptable)
• That'll make you sH*t over the fence. (A culinary complement.)
• It's hotter than a fresh f--ked fox in a forrest fire. (A meteorological observation.)
• He could mess up a soup sandwich. (a charge of incompetence.)
• He hit that like a blue gilled bream. (referencing somebody's naiveté.)
• That was just a fart in a whirl wind. (Something was ineffectual)
• If you're waiting on me, you're backing up. (I'm ahead of you.)
• Tighter than a fat man's hat band. (Self explanatory)

[¿spoom]

THE GOLDBERG BROTHERS
 
 
 
Here's a little factoid for automotive buffs or just to dazzle your friends.
 
The four Goldberg Brothers
 
The four Goldberg brothers, Lowell, Norman, Hiram, and Max,
invented and developed the first automobile  air-conditioner. On
July 17, 1946, the temperature in Detroit was 97 degrees.
 
The four brothers walked into old man Henry Ford's office and sweet-talked his secretary into telling him that four gentlemen were there with the most exciting innovation in the auto industry since the electric starter.
 
Henry was curious and invited them into his office.  They refused and instead asked that he come out to  the parking lot to their car.
 
They persuaded him to get into the car, which was  about 130 degrees, turned on the air conditioner, and cooled the car off immediately.
 
The old man got very excited and invited them back to the office,   
where he offered them $3 million for the patent.
  The brothers refused, saying they would settle for $2  million, but they wanted the recognition by having a  label, 'The Goldberg Air
Conditioner,' on the dashboard  of each car in which it was installed.
   
Now old man Ford was more than just a little anti-  Semitic, and there was no way he was going to put the  Goldberg's name on two million Fords.
 
They haggled back and forth for about two hours and  finally agreed on $4 million and that just their first names would be shown.
 
And so to this day, all Ford air conditioners show –   Lo, Norm, Hi, and Max --  on the controls.

[Westernbiker]

Proud Texan Father
A Texan bought a round of drinks for all in the bar and said that his wife had just produced "a typical Texas baby" weighing twenty pounds.

Two weeks later he returned to the bar. The bartender recognized him and asked, "Aren't you the father of the typical Texas baby that weighed twenty pounds at birth?"

"Yup, shore am!"

"How much does he weigh now?"

The proud father answered, "Ten pounds."

The bartender said, "Why, what happened? He did weigh twenty pounds."

The proud Texas father said, "Jest had him circumcised!"

 

[Westernbiker]

Signs That You are Too Drunk
You lose arguments with inanimate objects.

You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.

Your job is interfering with your drinking.

Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alchohol stream.

Your career won't progress beyond Senator from Massachusetts.

The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.

You sincerely believe alchohol is the elusive 5th food group.

24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case - coincidence? I think not!

Two hands and just one mouth.. - now THAT'S a drinking problem!

You can focus better with one eye closed.

The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.

You fall off the floor..

Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.

Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!

Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you.

At AA meetings you begin: 'Hi my name is.. uh..'

Your idea of cutting back is less salt.

You wake up in the bedroom, your underwear is in the bathroom, you fell asleep clothed.

The whole bar says 'Hi' when you come in..

You think the Four Basic Food Groups are Caffeine, Nicotine, Alchohol, and [Women or Men].

Every night you're beginning to find your roommate's cat more and more attractive.

Roseanne looks good.

Don't recognize wife unless seen through bottom of glass.

That cursed pink elephant followed me home again.

I'm as sober as a judge.

The shrubbery's drunk from too frequent watering.

You wake up screaming 'TORO TORO TORO!' in the middle of the night.

 

[Westernbiker]

Sotally Tober
Starkle starkle little twink
who the hell you are I think
I'm not under what you call
the alcofluence of incohol
I'm just a little slort of sheep
I'm not drunk like tinkle peep
I don't know who is me yet
but the drunker I stand here
the longer I get
Just give me one more drink
to fill me cup
'cuz I got all day sober
to Sunday up.

 

[Westernbiker]

Stages of Drunkeness
0 - Stone cold sober. Brain as sharp as an army bayonet.

1 - Still sober. Pleasure senses activated. Feeling of well-being.

2 - Lager warming up head. Pretzles are ordered. Barmaid complimented on choice of blouse.

3 - Crossword in newspaper is filled in. After a while blanks are filled with random letters and numbers.

4 - Barmaid complimented on choice of bra. Partially visible when bending to get packets of crisps. Try to instigate conversation about bras. Order half a dozen packets of pretzles one by one.

5 - Have brilliant discussion with guy on the next bar stool. Devise fool-proof scheme for wining lottery, sort out Denver Broncos defense problems.

6 - Feel like a Demi-God. Map out rest of life on cocktail napkin. Realize that everybody loves you. Call parents and tell them you love them. Call girlfriend to tell her you love her and she still has an amazing ass.

7 - Send drinks over to woman sitting at table with boyfriend. No reaction. Scribble out message of love on five cocktail napkins and Frisbee them to her across the room. Boyfriend asks you outside. You buy him a Slim Panatela.

8 - Some slurring. Offer to buy drinks for everyone in room. Lots of people say yes. Go round the bar hugging them one by one. Fall over. Get up.

9 - Head-ache kicks in. Michelob tastes off. Send it back. Next bottle comes back tasting same. Say, "That's much better". Fight nausea by trying to play old Space Invaders game for ten minutes before seeing out of order sign.

10 - Some doubling of vision. Stand on table shouting abuse at all four bartenders. Talked down by bartender's wives, who you offer to give a baby to. Fall over. Get up. Fall over. Impale head on corner of table. Fail to notice oozing head wound.

11 - Speech no longer possible. Eventually manage to find door. Sit and take stock. Realize you are sitting in pub cellar, having taken a wrong turning. Vomit. Pass out.

12 - Put in cab by somebody. Give home address. Taken home. Can't get key in door. Realize you've given address of your local gym. Generally pleased at way evening has gone. Pass out again.

 

[Super Santa]

THE MIRACLE OF TOILET PAPER

Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror complaining to my husband that my breasts are too small.. Instead of characteristically telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.

If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds.'

Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts. 'How long will this take?' I asked.

They will grow larger over a period of years,' my husband replies. I stopped. 'Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?'

Without missing a beat he says, 'Worked for your ass, didn't it?'

He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, he may even walk again, although he will probably continue to take his meals through a straw.

Stupid, stupid man.

[fuzzy2bucks]

AER LINGUS MILE HIGH CLUB            (Irish Joke)



A mother and young son were flying Aer Lingus. The son, who had been looking out the plane's window, turned to his mother and said "Mom ... If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"
 

Stumped for an answer the mother suggested to her son that he ask the stewardess. The boy promptly got out of his seat and wandered back to the service area. "Excuse me" the boy said to the stewardess. "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"



"Did your mother tell you to ask me that?"

 
"Yes" He said nodding his head.

 
She whispered in the boy's ear, "Tell your mother it's because Aer Lingus always pulls out on time."











`

[fuzzy2bucks]

Bin Laden Target Practice



http://www.playitontheweb.com/games/Bin-Laden-Liquors-embd.htm

[fuzzy2bucks]

Funny Oldies but Goodie Rock Star Songs



http://www.tvkim.com/watch/31/kims-picks-funny-old-rock-star-songs

[fuzzy2bucks]

Two Parrots




A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him,'Father, I have a problem. 


I have two female parrots,but they only know how to say one thing.'


'What do they say?' the priest inquired.


They say,'Hi, we're hookers, do you want to have some fun?'


That's obscene!' the priest exclaimed, Then he thought for a moment.


'You know,' he said,


'I may have a solution to your problem.


I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible.


Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter.


My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship,


and your parrots are sure to stop saying that phrase in no time.'


Thank you,' the woman responded,

'this may very well be the solution.' The next day,


She brought her female parrots to the priest's house. 


As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots  were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying.

 
Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them. 


After a few minutes,


The female parrots cried out in unison: 


Hi, we're hookers, do you want to have some fun?'


one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed,
 


'Put the beads away, Frank.  Our prayers have been answered!'












`

[Westernbiker]

10 Reasons Not To Jog
1. My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now & we don't know where the heck she is.

2. The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

3. I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to show up.

4. I have to exercise in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing.

5. I don't exercise at all. If God meant us to touch our toes, he would have put them further up our body.

6. I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

7. I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

8. The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.

9. If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.

10. I don't jog. It makes the ice jump right out of my glass.

 

[Westernbiker]

10 things in golf that sound dirty
1. Look at the size of his putter.

2. Oh, dang, my shaft's all bent.

3. You really wacked the hell out of that sucker.

4. After 18 holes I can barely walk.

5. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip.

6. Lift your head and spread your legs.

7. You have a nice stroke, but your follow through leaves a lot to be desired.

8. Just turn your back and drop it.

9. Hold up. I've got to wash my balls.

10. Damn, I missed the hole again.

 

[Westernbiker]

top ten least popular self help books
10. "Lie Your Sweet Ass Off And Become A Millionaire"

9. "Choking Coaches For The Soul" by Latrell Sprewell

8. "Combing! The Revolutionary New Way To Adjust Your Hair"

7. "How To Win Friends And Influence People In The Bus Station Men's Room"

6. "If You Want To Lose Weight, Just Stop Eating, You Fat Cow"

5. "George Michael's Do-It-Yourself Handbook"

4. "Five Simple Steps To Reducing All Human Problems To An Over-Generalized Formula"

3. "8 Weeks To A Sweatier You"

2. "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus, At Least One Teletubby Is From The West Village"

1. "It's Hopeless" by Jack Kevorkian

 

[Westernbiker]

Criminal Hall of Shame
Every day, we are assaulted by stories of stupid people -- many of whom use their stupidity for personal gain. From time to time, though, we hear of those who strive to achieve new levels of stupidity *while* also breaking the law. To these brave men and women -- ooops, "women and men" -- we present the highest possible honor: entry into the "Stupid-Criminal Hall of Shame."

Following are their accounts ..

Kentucky (where else?): Two men tried to pull the front off a cash machine by running a chain from the machine to the bumper of their pickup truck. Instead of pulling the front panel off the machine, though, they pulled the bumper off their truck. Scared, they left the scene and drove home. With the chain still attached to the machine. With their bumper still attached to the chain. With their vehicle's license plate still attached to the bumper.

South Carolina: A man walked into a local police station, dropped a bag of cocaine on the counter, informed the desk sergeant that it was substandard cut, and asked that the person who sold it to him be arrested immediately.

Indiana: A man walked up to a cashier at a grocery store and demanded all the money in the register. When the cashier handed him the loot, he fled--leaving his wallet on the counter.

England: A German "tourist," supposedly on a golf holiday, showed up at customs with his golf bag. While making idle chatter about golf, the customs official realized that the tourist did not know what a "handicap" was. The customs official asks the tourist to demonstrate his swing, which he does--backward! A substantial amount of narcotics were found in the golf bag.

Germany: Oil of Olay no longer turning the trick for her, a woman decided that she would bathe in the milk of a camel (a modern-day Cleopatra). So she stole a camel from the local zoo (where *else* can you find a camel when you need one?) and transported it back to her house--where she realized that the camel's name was "Otto."

Arizona: A company called "Guns For Hire" stages gunfights for Western movies, etc. One day, they received a call from a 47-year-old woman who wanted to have her husband killed. She got 4-1/2 years in jail.

Texas: A man convicted of robbery worked out a deal to pay $9600 in damages rather than serve a prison sentence. For payment, he provided the court a check--a *forged* check. He got 10 years.

(Location Unknown): A man went into a drug store, pulled a gun, announced a robbery, and pulled a Hefty-bag face mask over his head--and realized that he'd forgotten to cut eyeholes in the mask.

(Location Unknown): A man successfully broke into a bank after hours and stole--are you ready for this?--the bank's video camera. While it was recording. Remotely. (That is, the videotape recorder was located elsewhere in the bank, so he didn't get the videotape of himself stealing the camera.)

(Location Unknown): A man successfully broke into a bank's basement through a street-level window, cutting himself up pretty badly in the process. He then realized that (1) he could not get to the money from where he was, (2) he could not climb back out the window through which he had entered, and (3) he was bleeding pretty badly. So he located a phone and dialed "911" for help..

Virginia: Two men in a pickup truck went to a new home site to steal a refrigerator. Banging up walls, floors, etc., they snatched a refrigerator from one of the houses, and loaded it onto the pickup. The truck promptly got stuck in the mud, so these brain surgeons decided that the refrigerator was too heavy. Banging up *more* walls, floors, etc., they put the refrigerator BACK into the house and returned to the pickup truck only to realize that they locked the keys in the truck--so they abandoned it.

(Location Unknown): A man walked into a Circle-K (a convenience store similar to a 7-11), put a $20 bill on the counter and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer? Fifteen dollars.


 

[fuzzy2bucks]

Deep Thoughts -


Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

 
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

 
If man evolved from apes why do we still have apes?


 
Santa is very jolly because he knows where all the bad girls live.

 
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman where the Self Help section was. She said if she told me it would defeat the purpose.


 
Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims?

 
If a mute kid swears does his mother wash his hands with soap?


 
And whose cruel idea was it to put an "S" in the word "Lisp"?

 
If a man stands in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him... Is he still wrong?


 
If someone with multiple personalities threatens suicide... is it considered a hostage situation?


 
Is there another word for synonym?


 
Isn't it scary that doctors call what they do "practice"?


 
Where do forest rangers go to get away from it all?

 
What should you do if you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?


 
If a parsley farmer is sued do they garnish his wages?

 
Would a wingless fly be called a walk?


 
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they worried someone will clean them?

 
If a mime is arrested do they tell him he has the right to talk?


 
Why do they put Braille on the drive thru bank machines?

 
Why do they use sterilized needles for lethal injections?


 
Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

 
Is it true that cannibals won't eat clowns because they taste funny?


 
What was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread?










`

[fuzzy2bucks]

Donald & Daisy Duck



Donald Duck and Daisy Duck were spending the night together in a hotel room and Donald wanted to have sex with Daisy.


The first thing Daisy asked was, "Do you have a condom?"


Donald frowned and said, "No."


Daisy told Donald that if he didn't get a condom, they could not have sex.


"Maybe they sell them at the front desk," she suggested.



 So Donald went down to the lobby and asked the hotel clerk if they had condoms.


"Yes, we do," the clerk said and pulled a box out from under the counter and gave it to Donald.


The clerk asked, "Would you like me to put them on your bill?"



"Thit No!"  Donald quacked, "I'll thuffocate!"










`

[fuzzy2bucks]

Costly Inches


A man wakes up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be ok, you'll walk again, but your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it."


The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You have $9000 in insurance compensation coming and we now have the technology to construct a new penis. They work great but they don't come cheap. It's roughly $1,000 an inch." The man perks up. "So," the doctor says, "You must decide how many inches you want. But I understand that you have been married for over thirty years and this is something you should probably discuss with your wife. If you had five inches before and get nine inches now she might be a bit put out. If you had nine inches before and you decide to only invest in five inches now, she might be disappointed.


 It's important that she is involved the decision making process." The man agrees to talk it over with his wife.


The doctor comes back the next day, "So, have you spoken with your wife?"


"Yes, I have," says the man."


And has she helped you make a decision?"


"Yes" says the man.


"What is your decision?" asks the doctor.



"We're getting granite countertops."










`

[fuzzy2bucks]

THE LARK PROGRAM .  .   .    .     .      .        .           .  (JOKE)


A lady liberal wrote a lot of letters to the White House complaining about the treatment of a captive insurgent (terrorist) being held in Guantanamo Bay.

She received back the following reply:

The White House

1600 Pennsylvania Avenue

Washington, D. C.  20016

Dear Concerned Citizen,

 

Thank you for your recent letter roundly criticizing our treatment of the Taliban and Al Quada detainees currently being held at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba. Our administration takes these matters seriously and your opinion was heard loud and clear here in Washington.


You'll be pleased to learn that, thanks to the concerns of citizens like yourself, we are creating a new division of the Terriorist Retraining Program, to be called the "Liberals Accept Responsibility for Killers" program, or LARK for short.


In accordance with the guidelines of this new program, we have decided to place one terrorist under your personnal care. Your personal detainee has been selected for transportation under heavily armed guard to your residence next Tuesday.


Ali Mohammed Ahmed bin Mahmud (you can just call him Ahmed) is to be cared for pursuant to the standards you personally demanded in your letter of complaint. It will likely be necessary for you to hire some assistant caretakers.


We will conduct weekly inspections to insure that your standards of care for Ahmed are commensurate with those you so strongly recommended in your letter. Although Ahmed is a sociopath and extemely violent, we hope that your sensitivity to what you described as his "attitudinal problem" will help him overcome these character flaws.



Perhaps you are correct in describing these problems as mere cultural differences. We understand that you plan to offer counseling and home schooling.



Your adopted terrorist is extremely proficient in hand-to-hand combat and can extinguish human life with such simple items as a pencil or nail clippers. We advise that you do not ask him to demonstrate these skills at your next yoga group. He is also expert at making a wide variety of explosives devices from common household products, so you may wish to keep those items locked up, unless (in your opinion) this might offend him.



Ahmed will not wish to interact with you or your daughters (except sexually), since he views females as a subhuman form of property. This is a particularly sensitive subject for him and he has been known to show violent tendencies around women who fail to comply with the new dress code that he will recommend as more appropriate attire.



I'm sure you will come to enjoy the anonymity offered by the burka...over time. Just remember that it is all part of "respecting his culture and his religious beliefs"~wasn't that how you put it?" Thank you again for your letter. We truly appreciate it when folks like you keep us informed of the proper way to do our job. You take good care of Ahmed~and remember, we'll be watching.

Good luck!

Cordially yours,

The LARK Program Administrator

[fuzzy2bucks]

Drowning At The Guinness Brewery



Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner as usual,
when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.


"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya."


"Of course you can come in. You're always welcome, Tim.
But where's my husband?"


"That's what I'm here to be tellin' ya, Brenda. There was an
accident down at the Guinness brewery."



"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me..."



"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone.
I'm sorry."


Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"


"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of
Guinness Stout and drowned."


"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim.
Did he at least go quickly?"


"Well, no Brenda, no."


"No?"


"Fact is, he got out three times to pee."










`

[fuzzy2bucks]

Sometimes you just have to hide in the crowd
















`
Two Tickets Buster

















`

[Westernbiker]

0 to 200 in 6 seconds
Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really pissed.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Bob has been missing since Friday.

 

[Westernbiker]

Marriage Lessons
On their 40th wedding anniversary and during the banquet celebrating it, Tom was asked to give his friends a brief account of the benefits of a marriage of such long duration.

"Tell us Tom, just what is it you have learned from all those wonderful years with your wife?"

Tom responds, "Well, I've learned that marriage is the best teacher of all. It teaches you loyalty, forbearance, meekness, self-restraint, forgiveness --and a great many other qualities you wouldn't have needed if you'd stayed single."

 

[Westernbiker]

Computer Acronyms
PCMCIA
People Can't Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms

ISDN
It Still Does Nothing

APPLE
Arrogance Produces Profit-Losing Entity

SCSI
System Can't See It

DOS
Defective Operating System

BASICBill's Attempt to Seize Industry Control

IBM
I Blame Microsoft

DEC
Do Expect Cuts

CD-ROM
Consumer Device, Rendered Obsolete in Months

OS/2
Obsolete Soon, Too.

WWW
World Wide Wait

MACINTOSH
Most Applications Crash; If Not, The Operating System Hangs

PENTIUM
Produces Erroneous Numbers Through Incorrect Understanding of Mathematics

COBOL
Completely Obsolete Business Oriented Language

AMIGA
A Merely Insignificant Game Addiction

LISP
Lots of Infuriating & Silly Parenthesis

MIPS
Meaningless Indication of Processor Speed

WINDOWS
Will Install Needless Data On Whole System

GIRO
Garbage In Rubbish Out

MICROSOFT
Most Intelligent Customers Realize Our Software Only (for) Fools (&) Teenagers.

 

[Westernbiker]

How'd you want them
A little old lady had two monkeys for years. One day one of them died of natural causes.

In grief, the second monkey passed away two days later. Not knowing what to do with them, she finally decided to take them to the taxidermist and have them stuffed.

After telling the owner of her wishes, he asked her, "Do you want them mounted?"

Blushing, she said, "No. holding hands will be fine."

 

[fuzzy2bucks]

Golf Lesson


Address the Ball:






















`

[fuzzy2bucks]

Don't mess with women



A married couple is driving along a highway doing a steady 40miles per hour.
The wife is behind the wheel.


Her husband suddenly looks across at her and speaks in a clear voice.
"I know we've been married for twenty years, but I want a divorce."
The wife says nothing,
Keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly increases her speed to45mph.


 
The husband speaks again. "I don't want you to try and talk me out of it,"
He says, "because I've been having an affair with your best friend,
And she's a far better lover than you are."


Again the wife stays quiet,
But grips the steering wheel more tightly and slowly increases the speed to 55
He pushes his luck. "I want the house," he says insistently..


Up to60.
"I want the car, too," he continues.


65mph.
"And," he says, "I'll have the bank accounts, all the credit cards and the boat!"
 

The car slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete bridge.
This makes him nervous, so he asks her, "Isn't there anything you want?"

 

The wife at last replies in a quiet and controlled voice.
"No, I've got everything I need," she says.
"Oh, really," he inquires, "so what have you got?"

 

Just before they slam into the wall at 65 mph,
The wife turns to him and smiles.

 
"The airbag."

Moral of the Story :

Women are clever!

Don't mess with them!











`

[fuzzy2bucks]

Copper Wire




After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, New York scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.
 

Not to be outdone by the New Yorkers, a California archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet and shortly after, a story in an LA newspaper read: "California archaeologists' discovery of 200 year old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the New Yorkers."



One week later. A local newspaper in Tortilla  Flat, Arizona  reported the following: "After digging as deep as 30 feet in his pasture near the Flats  Bubba, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Bubba has therefore concluded that 300 years ago, Arizona had already gone wireless."










`

[RP#62]

Copper Wire




After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, New York scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.
 

Not to be outdone by the New Yorkers, a California archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet and shortly after, a story in an LA newspaper read: "California archaeologists' discovery of 200 year old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the New Yorkers."



One week later. A local newspaper in Tortilla  Flat, Arizona  reported the following: "After digging as deep as 30 feet in his pasture near the Flats  Bubba, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Bubba has therefore concluded that 300 years ago, Arizona had already gone wireless."

Not true.  There are no pastures in Tortilla Flat.  There are Valkyries though from time to time.
-RP