Thinking it's time for a joke thread.

[DIGGER]

Mentally I'm 29,
Humor wise I'm 12,
But physically I'm pretty sure I fought in the Civil War....

[da prez]

  She laid , dying. Husband beside her.  She has little time left.
I have a confession ,she said. 
  No need , say's the husband.
  I must ,please hear me.  I cheated on you three times. Your two brothers , and your father. Please forgive me.
  Husband say's , I knew about the affairs , That is why I poisoned you! 

                                              da prez

[HayHauler]

A truckload of super glue crashed on the highway.

Traffic was stuck for hours.

Hay 
Jimmyt

[HayHauler]

I asked a girl to go out with me but she said that my face looked like the back of a boat.

I didn't reply, but I gave her a stern look.

Hay 
Jimmyt

[DIGGER]

Hunting....
The most expensive way to get free meat

[da prez]

                        Crazy to think,
                          86 years ago
                            16 year olds
                              had the balls
                                to fight in WWII
                                  and today
                                    16 year olds cry about
                                       having balls


                                             da prez

[Serk]

My dad was always a "If you got up there on your own, you can get down on your own" sort of man.

Fantastic father.

...terrible air traffic controller though.

[HayHauler]

Did you hear about the guy who married his horse?

they have a stable relationship

Hay 
Jimmyt

[DIGGER]

My daughter and her husband have been having some marital problems....
She just called me and said two crackheads just beat up her husband....
Pisses me off.... I paid 3 of them....

[HayHauler]

What is a snowman's favorite mexican food?

Brrrr-ito

Hay 
Jimmyt

[DIGGER]

Wife told me I needed to grow up!!....
I was speechless....

Hard to say anything with 9 oreos in your mouth....

[HayHauler]

What did Snow White say when her photos didn't show up?

Someday my prints will come!

Hay 
Jimmyt

[HayHauler]

What's it called when a cow spies on you?

A steakout.

Hay 
Jimmyt

[HayHauler]

What did the man say after finishing his first beer at the Super Bowl party?

That's a thirst down!

Hay 
Jimmyt

[da prez]

  So I stopped in for a well deserved beer.  Two large women sat down and started talking.  I asked if there accent was from Scotland.  Wales , one replied.  So , I asked if you two whales were from Scotland.
  Luckily , I could outrun them both.

                                                    da prez

[DIGGER]

Would it hurt the makers of avacados to put a different toy inside?..... I have like...50 wooden balls already...

[da prez]

 So with all this AI in the works ,an artificial arm was created. After he was trained to use it , he goes home and has a couple beers. the arm works great ,beer if drank , can not crushed. 
  Sees the Vaseline and gets an idea as the wife was not at home. There is a voice activated function.
What the heck . He starts playing with his good hand and when timing is right , switches over and says "jerk off".  The scream could be heard for blocks.

                                                 da prez

[Serk]

[John Schmidt]

Yeah...does that ever bring back some memories. Voluntold! 

[DIGGER]

If I had $0.50 for every math test I have failed....
I would have $7.45.....

[DIGGER]

I once dated a girl who had a twin,
and people always asked how I could tell them apart.
Easy - Alison painted her nails red...and Bob had a beard.

[DIGGER]

Being a man means doing what I want....when I want...
And not having to answer to....
DARN....she is coming!!!

to be continued......

[Serk]

I once dated a girl who had a twin,
and people always asked how I could tell them apart.
Easy - Alison painted her nails red...and Bob had a beard.

You wouldn't believe the number of people that, after I told them my triplets are Girl, Boy Boy ask "Are they identical?"

...sadly, not a joke.

[da prez]

  Yes, they are identical except for the girl. 

                                   da prez

[DIGGER]

Two men on a small island after their boat sank in the ocean.   One was pacing nervously back and forth as the other man layed back relaxing and soaking up the sun.   The nervous man asked " are'nt you afraid we are going to die here?"
The second man responded " no...we are not going to die... you see...I make about $100,000 a week and so I tithe $10,000 a week.   Believe me.... my pastor is going to find me...."

[da prez]

  So I am going to the polls to see my parents. They have not missed an election since they died .

                                    da prez

[John Schmidt]

If you put a potato in the microwave and press pizza, when you take it out it's still a potato.

That's how genders work! 

[Challenger]

If you put a potato in the microwave and press pizza, when you take it out it's still a potato.

That's how genders work! 

 

[DIGGER]

https://www.facebook.com/share/r/18MPeyqurL/?mibextid=wwXIfr

[John Schmidt]

I decided to remove my recent video of two golf cart girls. After some thought, I thought it was in bad taste.

[da prez]

  So I was at an Irish wedding.  It became my turn to dance with the Bride.  Dance went well and all of a sudden the Groom kicked her in the backside so hard you would think he was kicking a 70 yard field goal.

   Lousy sot broke three of my fingers.

                                                                  da prez

[RP#62]

One of my fondest childhood memories is when my back didn't hurt.

RP

[Mooskee]

MY WIFE SAID THAT IF I DONT GET OFF MY COMPUTER AND HELP WITH THE DISHES, SHE'LL SLAM MY HEAD ON THE KEYBOARD, BUT I THINK SHE'S JOKINDSG67SGHI3DHGJ RE749ODNDWHK3-2J4H37SHDUDKIJI SD8T7HRBSKO2OA3Y3H3J3UHU338JE SU83J8R

[John Schmidt]

What do you call a teacher that never farts in public?

A Private Tutor! 

[RP#62]

I heard that William Shatner's line of women's undergarments aren't doing so well.  Seems no one wants to buy Shatner Panties.

RP

[DIGGER]

MY WIFE SAID THAT IF I DONT GET OFF MY COMPUTER AND HELP WITH THE DISHES, SHE'LL SLAM MY HEAD ON THE KEYBOARD, BUT I THINK SHE'S JOKINDSG67SGHI3DHGJ RE749ODNDWHK3-2J4H37SHDUDKIJI SD8T7HRBSKO2OA3Y3H3J3UHU338JE SU83J8R

[DIGGER]

Sorry Mooskee...didnt see you had already posted the computer joke.

[DIGGER]

A comedian on tv yesterday.....

Did I tell you I now have a pet termite???
I named him "Clint".     His full name is "Clint Eatswood".........