Thinking it's time for a joke thread.

[DIGGER]

Cant believe I forgot to go to the gym today....
Man....that makes 3 yrs in a row....

[DIGGER]

I was eating lunch at Mc Donalds when I noticed a kid about 8 yrs old staring at me.....
He came walking over to me and asked me " why are you so ugly?"
I thought a minute and leaned over and whispered in his ear..."I'm not supposed to tell but I came back in a time machine and I'm YOU from the future"
He ran back to his family table and cried for 20 minutes.......

[DIGGER]

A man at the bar said his best friend fell off his motorcycle today......
I said "Oh..really...".  The man said "Yeah...he has brain damage, two broken arms, and is blind in one eye".  I said "Well heck... no wonder he fell off his bike..."

[DIGGER]

Walmart thinks that I want to put up my Christmas tree
and eat Turkey while
wearing my Halloween costume.

[DIGGER]

Have you noticed.....ever since Trump renamed the
Gulf of Mexico to now be called The Gulf of America.....
Not one hurricane has DARED to enter the gulf......

[da prez]

  So I called my mom. "Mom, come pick me up from this sleep over. I want to come home.
   NO , she replied , you are 47 years old and that is your wife and children.

                                         da prez

[John Schmidt]

Ross, I used the "sleepover" description once when chatting with my mother. She kinda giggled when dad commented..."son, you have four kids, not much sleeping going on I'd say!"

[da prez]

          

[Mooskee]

Cars these days have too many gadgets.
I tried to reverse, and it played a video of somebody getting run over by a car.

[DIGGER]

Little Johnny was looking sad in class one morning at school and the teacher asked what was wrong. Johnny said "my mom is at the hospital and my dad is at the police station...".  The teacher told Johnny "sounds like you need to go be with your family"... so Johnny left school.
After he left the teacher asked the class "does anyone know whats going on with Johnny's parents?"
A student said " nothing going on Teach.... Johnny's mom is a nurse and his dad is a cop!!!"

[Serk]

Yes, it's a Facebook video. I generally avoid sharing those here but this one is slightly relevant:

https://www.facebook.com/share/r/195y2PXuLj/

(Be sure to unmute it, I think they mute by default)

[HayHauler]

I told my son, "Go to bed, the cows are sleeping in the field."

He said, "What's that got to do with anything?" I said, "That means it's pasture bedtime."

Hay 
Jimmyt

[HayHauler]

The circus act for the human canonball retired weeks ago.

They've tried several replacements but just haven't found anyone of his caliber.

Hay 
Jimmyt

[Serk]

Breaking News!

The CEO of Ikea has just been elected the PM of Sweden.

...he's currently busy assembling his cabinet.

[da prez]

  A blond is weed whacking and didn't see her cat in the weeds.  She cut the cat's tail off. She grabs the tail and cat and rushes to Walmart customer service.
  Her she say's, fix it.
  The person just looks at her and say's , we are not a Vet's.
NO duh ,she replies. Everyone knows Walmart is the biggest retailer in the world.

                                       da prez

[HayHauler]

What do you call a dwarf who gets promoted to be the boss man?

Micro manager

I will show myself out..............


Hay 
Jimmyt

[Serk]

As I was driving past a prison yesterday, I saw a dwarf scaling down the wall. Confused , I stared up at him and he sneered back.

And I thought to myself, "well that's a little condescending."

[DIGGER]

Whats scarier than a box full of snakes?

A box that is supposed to be full of snakes!!

[DIGGER]

Went partying last night and came home drunk...drunk.....
woke up this morning to the sounds of my neighbor  mowing his grass.....
I started o get up but finally decided "what to heck...he can mow around me...

[DIGGER]

There was a safety meeting at work today.  They asked me "What steps would you take in the event of a fire?" 
"Great big ones!" was apparrently not the answer they were looking for.....

[DIGGER]

I called my wife and she got pissed off at me and told me to go call my "other chick."   Sooooo.... I hung up and called her right back and when she answered I said " let me talk with personality #5 cause personality #2 is tripping".

[HayHauler]

I was out walking and saw a guy carrying a Scrabble board, he tripped, tiles went everywhere....

I couldn't help myself. I asked him, "What's the word on the street?"

Hay 
Jimmyt

[DIGGER]

Does any body remember a time when your body just worked....like on its own?

No pills, no scheduled exercise, no caffene, no planned hydration, no stretching,
No specific diet, ....you just woke up...smacked your own ass and you were good to go?

Yeah...me neither....

[DIGGER]

My wife said "You look better without your glasses..."
I replied "Thanks....you look better without my glasses too..."

[HayHauler]

My grandpa had bad eyesight but he could always see when someone had a nice butt

His hindsight was 20/20

Hay 
Jimmyt

[HayHauler]

Fun fact: Koi fish always travel in groups of four.

If attacked, kois A, B, and C will scatter, leaving behind the D koi.


Hay 
Jimmyt

[Jess from VA]

This thread has 224,262 views.   

That has to be some kind of record.

No joke.  But it is kind of humorous.      

[HayHauler]

A tub of margarine fell on my foot three weeks ago and it still hurts.

I can't believe it's not better.

Hay
Jimmyt

[DIGGER]

I am best  man at my buddy's SECOND wedding....
I am supposed to make a speech at the wedding dinner.
Would it be appropriate to start my speech with
"Well....welcome back everybody?"

[HayHauler]

I was wondering why the truck that was carrying dish soap coming at me wasn't stopping

And then it Dawned on me!

Hay 
Jimmyt

[DIGGER]

My favorite Halloween joke.....

A skeleton walks into a bar and has a seat.  He says "Hey bartender...bring me a beer and a mop..."

[DIGGER]

All guys like to think they married a nymphomaniac.........
Problem is.........
After a few years the nympho leaves and you are stuck with the maniac

[Robert]

Thought this was pretty good a bit longer so hence the video

https://youtube.com/shorts/SrcYDD0-Vu8?si=nO9jMgCsqtDezMC4

[John Schmidt]

Bart Bauman was seeing a girl who was deeply in love with him so she decided to get his initials, BB, tatooed on her butt cheeks to prove her love. She waited for Bart to come home and soon as he walked in the door, she bent over to show him his initials on her bottom. Bart asked "who the heck is Bob?" 

[TrapperAH1G]

Found out today that HONDA is actually an acronym:

Harley Owners' Need Dependable Alternative

[DIGGER]

Found out today that HONDA is actually an acronym:

Harley Owners' Need Dependable Alternative

Love it!!!

[DIGGER]

An old, tired-looking collie wandered into my yard one day. I checked his collar and saw he was well-fed — clearly had a good home. He followed me inside, walked down the hall, hopped up on the couch, got comfy, and fell fast asleep.

[Serk]

This thread has 224,262 views.   

That has to be some kind of record.

No joke.  But it is kind of humorous.      

301,506 (And counting) this one holds the record currently. And same topic...

https://www.valkyrieforum.com/bbs/index.php/topic,27812.0.html

Lot of old names scrolling through that one. .

[DIGGER]

Pretty sure the last words I ever say will be
"Well crap!!! That didnt work!"

[da prez]

  I filed a workman's compensation claim that I was groped on the job.

  Thing were going well until they found out I was self employed.

                                             da prez

  I had three law offices call and wanted to take the case????????????????