Thinking it's time for a joke thread.

[DIGGER]

At the grocery store a little old lady in front of me
Bought $249.72 worth of groceries but her credit card declined.
I know that God will bless me for this.  It was a lot of groceries,
But I helped her put it all back.

[John Schmidt]

Ran across this on Youtube. Needless to say it cracked me up and brought back some memories. 

https://www.youtube.com/shorts/bQbjutgprmA

[TrapperAH1G]

I'm at that awkward age......I still remember I forgot something.

[TrapperAH1G]

My housekeeping style can best be described as "There appears to have been a struggle."

I don't get near enough credit for things I manage NOT to say.

I got a Life Alert bracelet so if I ever get a Life I'll know right away.

A Police Officer came by my house today and asked me where I was between 5 and 6....he seemed irritated when I answered "kindergarten".

Mother to daughter:  "Honey, your job as a woman is to notice when a man is happy and immediately put a stop to that nonsence!"

My new girlfriend and I were traveling to meet my parents, when she got a flat tire.  So I called my parents and said, "Sorry Mom, we're going to be late.  My girlfriend's got a puncture!"  "Oh!"  she sighed, "I thought you had a real one this time!"

I want to go on a diet but I feel like I have too much on my plate right now.

Behind every angry woman is a man who has absolutely no idea what he did wrong.

Question.....is Trump Derangement Syndrome covered under Obamacare?

I had a thought, but unfortunately, I had a second thought.  They richocheted off each other and I can't fine either one!

[DIGGER]

My life is an open book...
Its poorly written ....
And I die in the end...

[HayHauler]

This one is bad..........  I will show myself out...............

A patient asks his doctor, "Doctor, is there sex after death?"
The doctor replies, "That really depends on your pathologist."


Hay 
Jimmyt

[HayHauler]

I saw a crime being committed at an Apple store.
I was an iwitness.

Hay 
Jimmyt

[HayHauler]

Before being domesticated by humans, horses made multiple attempts at governing themselves.
Unfortunately, they all failed. In every vote the neighs won.

Hay 
Jimmyt

[John Schmidt]

It's snowing out, both cars are in the garage and we're nice and cozy. So Nancy asked what I planned to do today, I told her nothing. She teased..."that's all you did yesterday." Told her "it's a big job and I didn't get done." 

[HayHauler]

It's snowing out, both cars are in the garage and we're nice and cozy. So Nancy asked what I planned to do today, I told her nothing. She teased..."that's all you did yesterday." Told her "it's a big job and I didn't get done." 

haha, I ain't done with that task yet!!

Hay 
Jimmyt

[DIGGER]

At my age...to see the Northern Lights...
All I have to do is stand up too fast....
Sometimes I even get a total eclipse...

[da prez]

   A red head ,brunet and blond are on the roof of a five story building that is on fire.
Fire department arrives and brings out a catch net.
  Come on , one at a time , jump.
The brunet jumps ,firemen walk away with the net ,she hits the ground and dies.
  They yell up , we don't like brunets.
  So the redhead jumps to the awaiting net. They walk away and she hits the ground and dies.
  They yell up to the blond , we don't like redheads.
  The blond yells back down , I don't trust you ,I'm smarter than I get credit for. Just lay the net on the ground and back away.

                                                                da prez

[HayHauler]

I sent my son to his room when he said Jim Morrison wasn't a good musician.

We don't slam The Doors in this house.

Hay 
Jimmyt

[HayHauler]

If a king sleeps on a king-sized bed and a queen sleeps on a queen-sized bed, where does a prince sleep?

On an heir mattress.


Hay 
Jimmyt

[John Schmidt]

Got a chuckle listening to this guy, compliments of Facebook. Might need to click on it for sound but it's worth it.  

https://www.facebook.com/reel/1384238483253977

Have you heard about Randy, the brown nose reindeer?  He can fly faster than Rudolph, just can't stop as fast. 

[DIGGER]

What did Adam say the day before Christmas?

It' Christmas Eve.....

[HayHauler]

What do you call a wreath made of $100 dollar bills?

Aretha Franklins.

LOL

Hay 
Jimmyt

[HayHauler]

Running in your late 50s-60s is a great way to meet people.

Today a friend of mine met a paramedic, 3 nurses, a cardiologist, and nearly met Jesus himself.

Hay 
Jimmyt

[GiG]

Running in your late 50s-60s is a great way to meet people.

Today a friend of mine met a paramedic, 3 nurses, a cardiologist, and nearly met Jesus himself.

Hay  
Jimmyt

Told the cute nurse imma gonna put on New Balance Shoes and go mall walking  

It's a date! She's gonna meet me there- we'll have matching headbands 

[HayHauler]

A clown walks into a bar looking tired. The bartender says, "Is it hard work being a clown?"

The clown says, "It's no small feet."


Hay 
Jimmyt

[HayHauler]

I asked my friend why he gave up his career as a farmer

He said he chose the wrong field.

Hay 
Jimmyt

[DIGGER]

I've had it with gummies....
I have been sitting here
the last 3 hours wondering
what a millipeed would sound
like running with flip flops on......

[Flyingfree]

A Newfie had caught two lobsters and was walking home along the coast when a cop drove by and saw him. The cop pulled over and stopped the man.

"Sir, are you aware it's not lobster season, and it's illegal to fish lobsters?"

"Me son," the Newfie said. "I didn't fish 'em. Deez lobsters are me pets."

"Sir, no one keeps lobsters as pets. I'll have to issue a fine unless you can prove your claim."

"Well, I's had 'em since they was babes. Trained 'em meself, I did. I can lets 'em go play, and when I calls 'em they comes right back to me."

The cop, disbelieving the man, allowed him to demonstrate. The Newfie put the lobsters on the sand and said "Go 'n play, me b'ys".

The lobsters immediately turned and crawled down into the water. Amazed, the cop blinked in amazement.

"That's incredible! I've never seen anything like it! Now call them back."

The Newfie turned with a sly smile and said, "Call what back?"

[Flyingfree]

An angel asked God what he was doing. "Making Canadians," the Lord said. "Awww they're so nice," said the angel "Oh yeah? Watch this," said God as he dropped a hockey puck.

[HayHauler]

Why is hunting better than dating?

If you get a big one, you can tell all of your friends.

Hay 
Jimmyt

[DIGGER]

I was recently asked to run a marathon....
At first I said "Naaaah"...Then they said to me
"Come on..its for handicapped and blind kids.
Then I thought...."what to heck...I could win this!!"

[DIGGER]

Cops:  "How did your husband die?"
Wife:  "He drank some poison"
Cops:  "Why does he have bruises all over his body?"
Wife:  "He didnt want to take it"

[DIGGER]

My son is a military "Bomb Squad Technician".
Last year it took him 9 hours to open his Christmas present!!

[HayHauler]

I fired my fruit truck delivery driver today

I had to let the mango.

Hay  
Jimmyt

[DIGGER]

Do you know why reindeer have bells on their harness?
To let people know they are coming cause their horns dont work!....

[DIGGER]

I know that you guys yearn for that woman with the coke bottle figure but that busted open can of biscuits you got is all you ever gonna get. 

[HayHauler]

What do you call karate for people with one arm?

Partial arts.


Hay 
Jimmyt

[DIGGER]

My girlfriend left a note on the fridge....

"Its not working...I can't take it anymore.  I am going to my Mom's place."

I opened the fridge....
The light came on....
The beer was cold....
What to heck is she talking about?....

[HayHauler]

Did you hear about the guy who started fixing breakfast at midnight on Dec. 31?

He wanted to make a New Year's toast.

Hay 
Jimmyt

[Serk]

So there's this crusty old Sergeant Major and he's really tense and uptight.

One night he's at a military ball and this beautiful young woman comes up to him and says "Sergeant Major, you look so tense. When was the last time you got laid?"

He replied, "I haven't had sex since 1950."

The woman was shocked. "1950?" She said, "That's so long ago! Why don't you come back here and I'll help you loosen up?"

So she takes him into this dark back room. He knows all the angles, all the moves, he rocks her world. Afterward she's laying on her back panting and she says "Wow, you haven't forgotten anything since 1950, huh?"

He replies, "I sure hope not, it's only 2130 now!"

[da prez]

So I had a day off. Sat in the recliner ,naked eating Doritos , ice cream watching big screen TV.
 
  Then Walmart called in security 

                                      da prez

                                               

[HayHauler]

Did you hear about the Storm Troopers who ate a small Wookie?

They said it was a little chewy.

Hay 
Jimmyt

[HayHauler]

What did the spy say when someone stole his glasses?

I'll find who did it. I have contacts.

Hay 
Jimmyt

[HayHauler]

How do you paddle an ambiguous boat?

Either oar........

Hay 
Jimmyt

[HayHauler]

President Lincoln's steakhouse was a huge success until he declared seasoning unconstitutional.

Customers were stunned to learn he'd abolished savory.


Hay 
Jimmyt