Thinking it's time for a joke thread.

[DIGGER]

Ha. 
Famous heart surgeon took his Harley Davidson in to the shop for repairs.  When completed he went to pick it up and the mechanic said " you know doc....i can take this harley engine out and break it down into little bitty parts and repair it and put it back together and i only get paid a few hundred bucks...you can take a heart out and repair it and you get paid hundreds of thousand dollars....."
Heart surgeon said
"You ever try to tear that harley engine down while it was running?"

[TrapperAH1G]

Someone's therapist knows all about you.

Lord:  give me coffee to change the things I can and Tequila to accept the things I can't.

Do people who run marathons know they don't have to?

Never let a recipe tell you how much cheese to put in, you measure that s**t with your heart!

My stomach IS flat, the l is just silent.

How's your body lookin?  Mine's lookin like I have a great personality.

I want to go on a diet, but I have way too much on my plate right now.

Behind every angry woman is a man who has absolutely no idea what he did wrong.

Hate to brag, but someone told me I was a real asset today.  They pronounced it "ass-hat" but I;, pretty sure that's just their accent.

I just got called "hot".  Okay, the full statement was 'you're one big hot mess," but I'm focusing on the positive today.

Dr:  are you sexually active?  Me:  haha, all the time.  Dr:  like with another person?  Me:  On, then no.

Any pan can be non-stick if I non-cook in it.

It takes only one drink to get me drunk.  The trouble is I can't ever remember if it's the thirteenth or fourteenth drink.

Porn gives young people an unrealistic and unhealthy idea of how quickly a repairman will come to your house.

It's ok to let your mind go blank, just be nice to the rest of us and turn the sound off!

I've learned so much from my mistakes, I'm thinking of making a few more.

I still don't know what you're supposed to comment under a new baby photo, but I've learned;it's not "yikes".

Don't you think it would have been great if, just once, the shuttle ground crew had shown up for a landing in gorilla suits?

Life is hard.  It's even harder if you don't laugh.

Decaf only works if you throw it at people.

Move over coffee, this is a job for ALCOHOL!

Deja Moo:  the feeling of having heard this BS before.

I have accepted the fact that I am never going to live long enough "to know better".

[LadyDraco]

https://x.com/TheBest_Viral/status/2091974395900080353/video/1     

[John Schmidt]

https://www.facebook.com/reel/2268748757311580

Click at the top for sound.

[da prez]

  So , I saw the EX on the side of the road with two flat tires. I had to drive by eleven times before she noticed me              

                                        da prez

[Serk]

[da prez]

  So I have this lesbian couple as neighbors. They want to have a child. They asked me if I would like to help. We do not care if one or both of us get pregnant. Both are pretty good looking. They did not want an artificial pregnancy. 
  I agreed and it has been over three months ,sex has been great , but neither has gotten pregnant.
  Sooner or later I guess I will have to tell them I had a vasectomy many years ago.  BUT , in my defense , they never asked.

                                      da prez

[LadyDraco]