H U M O R Thread . Nothing to get riled up about. Jokes, puns, and riddles.

[bigguy]

A lesson on how consultants can make a difference in an organization. Very Impressive!
Last week, we took some friends to a new restaurant, 'Steve's Place,' and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I observed that he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup I inquired, 'Why the spoon?'
'Well, 'he explained, 'the restaurant's owner hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all of our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift.'
As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he replaced it with his spare.
'I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now.
'I was impressed. I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking around, I saw that all of the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So, before he walked off, I asked the waiter, 'Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?'
"Oh, certainly!' Then he lowered his voice. 'Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also learned that we can save time in the restroom. By tying this string to the tip of our you-know-what,
we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time
spent in the restroom by 76.39%.
I asked quietly, 'After you get it out, how do you put it back?'
'Well,' he whispered, 'I don't know about the others,


but I use the spoon.'

[Willow]

'Well,' he whispered, 'I don't know about the others,


but I use the spoon.'

Oh!  I saw that one coming and it still hurt.   

[Roy]

Union Shop...




A dedicated union steel worker was attending a convention in Las Vegas and, as you would expect, decided to check out the brothels not too far from there.

When he got to the first one, he asked the Madam, “Is this a union house?”

No,” she replied, “I’m sorry it isn’t.”

“Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?”

“The house gets $80 and the girls get $20,” she answered.

Mightily offended at such unfair dealings, the union man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable, hopefully unionized shop.

His search continued until finally he reached a brothel where the Madam responded, “Why yes sir, this is a union house. We observe all union rules.”

The man asked, “And if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?”

“The girls get $80 and the house gets $20.”

“That’s more like it!” the union man said. He handed the Madam $100, looked around the room and pointed to a stunningly attractive blonde. I’d like her,” he said.

“I’m sure you would, sir,” said the Madam. Then she gestured to a 72-year old woman in the corner, “but Ethel here has 53 years seniority and she’s next.”




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[Roy]

A A R P








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[Roy]

The New  "SEAL TEAM 6"






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[Roy]

Little boy and the nude beach...




A mother and father take their 6-year old son to a nude beach.
 
As the boy walks along the sand, he notices that many of the women have boobs bigger than his mother's, so he goes back to ask her why.
 
She tells her son, "The bigger they are, the sillier the lady is."
 
The boy, pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean. But soon returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger things than his dad does.
 
She replies, "The bigger they are, the dumber the man is".
 
Again satisfied with her answer, the boy goes back to the ocean to play.
 
Shortly thereafter, the boy returns and promptly tells his mother,
 
****** "Daddy is talking to the silliest lady on the beach, and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets". *******






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[Roy]

BULL




A man takes his wife to the stock show. They start heading down the alley that had the bulls.

They come up to the first bull and his sign stated: "This bull mated 50 times last year." The wife turns to her husband and says, "He mated 50 times in a year, you could learn from him."

They proceed to the next bull and his sign stated: "This bull mated 65 times last year." The wife turns to her husband and says, "This one mated 65 times last year. That is over 5 times a month. You can learn from this one, also."

They proceeded to the last bull and his sign said: "This bull mated 365 times last year." The wife's mouth drops open and says, "WOW! He mated 365 times last year. That is ONCE A DAY!!! You could really learn from this one."

The man turns to his wife and says, "Go up and inquire if it was 365 times with the same cow."







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[Roy]

COFFEE AND TESTICLES...



A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job.

The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?" He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee."

"Ok, Have you ever been in the military service?"

"Yes," he says, "I was in Iraq for one tour."

The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward employment." Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"

The guy says, "Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles."

The interviewer grimaces and then says, "Okay. You've got enough points for me to hire you right now.
Our normal hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 pm. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 am, and plan on starting at 10:00 am every day."

The guy is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 PM, why don't you want me here until 10:00 am?"

"This is a government job", the interviewer says. "For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that."




New Art feature.....scroll

[Roy]

[CAREER PLACEMENT TEST...



One of the questions from the career placement test given applicants for job placement was:


"Rearrange the letters ( P N E S I ) to spell out an important part of human body that is more useful when erect."

 

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Those who spelled SPINE became doctors……the rest of us eventaully had bad backs.









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[Roy]

This joke has been around before in a different form, but it's a good joke anythime.



Two older fellas, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on their usual park bench one morning. The 87-year-old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath.

The 80-year-old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.

The 87-year-old said, "Well, I eat Italian bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."

So, on the way home, the 80-year-old stops at a bakery.

As he was looking around, the lady baker asked if he needed any help.

He said, "Do you have any Italian bread?"

She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"

He said, "I want five loaves."

She said, "My goodness, five loaves ... by the time you get to the fifth loaf, it'll be hard!"

He replied, "I can't believe it, everybody in the world knows about this Italian bread thing but me."

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[Roy]

FARMER AND HIS THREE DAUGHTERS...


There once was a farmer whho had three daughters flow, betty and luck.

One day all his daughters got dates on the same night so he waited on the porch with his shotgun and not soon after a young man appear and says "Hi my names Joe, I'v come to take flow to the show" So the farmer goes and gets his daughter and lets her go on the date.

A couple of minutes later another young man arives and he says "My names freddy iv come to take betty for some spaghetti" so the farmer goes in and gets his daughter and lets her go on her date.

Now the farmer waits awhile but no-one shows up, he's waiting for 50 minutes before another young man comes and he says "hi my names buck..." BANG!

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[Roy]

THE GARDEN OF EDEN...



A Brit, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden.

"Look at their reserve, their calm," muses the Brit. "They must be British."

"Nonsense," the Frenchman disagrees. "They're naked, and so beautiful. Clearly, they are French."

"No clothes, no shelter," the Russian points out, "they have only an apple to eat, and they're being told this is paradise. Clearly, they are Russian."
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[Roy]

But I still have it...


I've sure gotten old! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia.

Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.

Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But, thank God, I still have my driver's license.

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[Jess from VA]

Lowering Kit      $19.95


Some people spend hundreds - even thousands merely to lower their vehicle! Some people even cut their springs - that is the wrong way to lower a vehicle! Why bother with different bolt sizes and components, when KaleCoAuto's do-it-yourself lowering kit is a mere four piece kit! Installs in minutes, just insert one per tire and you'll be the envy of every lowrider in town! Now available in standard, chrome, and gold.

[Roy]

Is it possible to adjust how much air is let out of the tire?  Sign me up!

You get what you pay for pappy used to say.


 



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[Roy]

THE BUS RIDE...



A man was riding a bus, minding his own business, when the gorgeous woman next to him started to breastfeed her baby. The baby wouldn't take it, so she said, "Come on, eat it all up or I'll have to give it to this nice man here."

Five minutes later, the baby was still not feeding, so she said, "Come on, honey. Take it or I'll give it to this nice man here."

A few minutes later, the anxious man blurted out, "Come on, kid. Make up your mind! I was supposed to get off four stops ago!"

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[Roy]

DOGS...


if a dogs sense of smell is so good, why must they sniff another dogs butt from point blank range? Why not, say, ten feet away?
















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[Roy]

OTHER MEN...


Did you sleep with many other men?

No darling, I slept only with you.  With all the other men I was quite awake.


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[Roy]

JACK AND JILL...



Jack and Jill worked for a large computer software company.

 Times are tough and these companies need to streamline. So massive layoffs were coming down the pipe.

The water cooler seemed to be the place to get all the inside information with all the employees.

So the supervisor in a certain department sees Jill by the water cooler. He knows she is a single mother and decides to approcher her on this subject because she really needs her job.

After the small talk he decides to come right out with it. He says "Jill, It has come to my directive that I will need to either Lay You, or Jack off". Jill , having a rough night with her second job and trying to do the duties of a single parent comes back with;  "You probably need to go ahead and jack off because im really tired".


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[Roy]

POLICE OFFICER IN A SMALL TOWN STOPS A . . .



motorist who was speeding down Main Street. "But officer," the man began, "I can explain."
"Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back."
"But, officer, I just wanted to say,..."
"And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!"
 
A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."
 
"Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom."












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[Roy]

Another Airline Fee has popped up out of nowhere.















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[Roy]

GLOVES  VS  PANTIES...



A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new girlfriends birthday, as they had not been dating very long, after careful consideration he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note -- romantic, but not too personal.

Accompanied by his sweethearts younger sister, he bought a pair of white gloves; the younger sister purchased a pair of panties for herself.

During the wrapping, the clerk mixed up the items and the sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties. Without checking the contents first, he sealed his package and mailed it to his sweetheart along with this note:



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Darling,

I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with buttons, but she wears short ones that are easy to remove.

These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart.

I wish I were there to put them on you for the first time, as no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again.

When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing.

Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them for me on Friday night.

All my Love,
Smith

P.S The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing.


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[Roy]

Senior love....



A TOUCHING LOVE STORY...   An 80 year old woman was arrested for shop lifting. When she went before the judge he asked her, "What did you steal?" She replied, "A can of peaches."

The judge then asked her why she had stolen the can of peaches, And she replied that she was hungry.

The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can. She replied, "6." The judge said, "Then I will give you 6 days in jail." Before the judge could conclude the trial, the woman's husband spoke......and asked the judge if he could say something.

 The judge said, "What is it?" The husband said, "She also stole a can of peas."

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[Roy]

NEW BACON PRODUCT...






















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[bigguy]

[Jess from VA]

It may have a big memory, but it often lacks a conscience. 

[Roy]

IT can be kind of like a Floppy Disk too, and the Hard Drive on a computer.  My wife learned to call her Memory Stick a Dongle at Sewing class..

[Roy]

AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE...



A woman pregnant with her first child paid a visit to her obstetrician's office.

After the exam, she shyly said, "My husband wants me to ask you...," to which the doctor replies, "I know, I know," placing a reassuring hand on her shoulder. "I get asked that all the time. Sex is fine until late in the pregnancy."

"No, that's not it," the woman confessed. "He wants to know if I can still mow the lawn."

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[Super Santa]

The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "Which human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?"
 
No one answered until little Mary stood up, angry, and said, "You should not be asking sixth-graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!" With a sneer on her face, she then sat back down.

 
Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, "Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"
 
Little Mary's mouth fell open; then she said to those around her, "Boy, is she going to get in big trouble!"
 
The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, "Anybody?"
 
Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, "the body part that increases to 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye."
 
Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Billy," then turned to Mary and continued, "As for you, young lady, I have three things to say:
 
One, you have a dirty mind, Two, you didn't read your homework, and Three, one day you are going to be very, very disappointed."

[Roy]

       

[Roy]

Little Johnny...



Teacher asks the kids in class: "What do you want to be when you grow up?"

Li'l Johnny: "I wanna be a billionaire, go to the most expensive
clubs, take me a real fine girl, give her a Ferrari, an apartment in
Copacabana, a penthouse in Paris, a jet to travel through Europe, an
unlimited Visa Card to buy whatever she wants, and make love to her
morning and night."

The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with his answer,
decided not to give importance to what he said
by just continuing:

"And you, Tanya? What do you want to be, sweetheart?"

"I wanna be Li'l Johnny's girl!"


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[RainMaker]

Dog with Chinese Name

Whether  you own a dog or not, you must appreciate the efforts of this
owner to sell her dog. Look at the picture and then read the sales   
pitch below.
 


 
Dog For Sale . Free to good home. Excellent guard dog.
   
Owner cannot afford to feed Jethro anymore as there are no more drug pushers,
thieves, murderers, or molesters left in the neighborhood for him to eat.
   
Most of them knew Jethro only by his Chinese street name,

Ho Lee Schitt.

[Roy]

FLIES...



My wife walked into the kitchen and finds me with a fly swatter. “What are you doing?” she asked.

“Hunting Flies,”

“Oh. Killing any?” she asked.

“Yep. Three males, two females.”

Intrigued, she asked, “How can you tell them apart?"



“Three were on a beer can, and two were on the phone.”



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[Super Santa]

I raced a Harley today...
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I raced a Harley today and after some really hard riding I managed to PASS the guy. I was riding on one of those really, really twisting sections of canyon road with no straight sections to speak of and where most of the curves have warning signs that say "15 MPH".

I knew if I was going to pass one of those monsters with those big-cubic-inch motors, it would have to be a place like this where handling and rider skill are more important than horsepower alone.
I saw the guy up ahead as I exited one of the turns and knew I could catch him, but it wouldn't be easy. I concentrated on my braking and cornering. Three corners later, I was on his fender. Catching him was one thing; passing him would prove to be another.

Two corners later, I pulled up next to him as we sailed down the mountain. I think he was shocked to see me next to him, as I nearly got by him before he could recover. Next corner, same thing. I'd manage to pull up next to him as we started to enter the corners but when we came out he'd get on the throttle and out power me. His horsepower was almost too much to overcome, but this only made me more determined than ever.

My only hope was to out brake him. I held off squeezing the lever until the last instant. I kept my nerve while he lost his. In an instant I was by him. Corner after corner, I could hear the roar of his engine as he struggled to keep up. Three more miles to go before the road straightens out and he would pass me for good.

But now I was in the lead and he would no longer hold me back. I stretched out my lead and by the time we reached the bottom of the canyon, he was more than a full corner behind. I could no longer see him in my rear-view mirror.

Once the road did straighten out, it seemed like it took miles before he passed me, but it was probably just a few hundred yards. I was no match for that kind of horsepower, but it was done. In the tightest section of road, where bravery and skill count for more than horsepower and deep pockets, I had passed him.  Though it was not easy, I had won the race to the bottom of the canyon and I had preserved the proud tradition of another of America's best bikes.

I will always remember that moment. I don't think I've ever pedaled so hard in my life. And some of the credit must go to Schwinn, as well. They really make a great bicycle...

[Roy]

 

[Super Santa]

An Irish priest was transferred to Texas . Father O'Malley rose from his bed one morning. It was a fine spring day in his new west Texas mission parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly called the local police station. The conversation went like this: "Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?"

And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St. Ann 's Catholic Church. There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn and would ye be so kind as to send a couple o'yer lads to take care of the matter?"

 Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit and recognizing the foreign accent, thought he would have a little fun with the good father, replied, "Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people took care of the last rites!"

There was dead silence on the line for a long moment....... Father O'Malley then replied: "Aye,'tis certainly true; but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin first, which is the reason for me call."

[Super Santa]

A priest was walking along the corridor of the parochial school near the preschool wing when a group of little ones were trotting by on the way to the cafeteria. Little Johnny stopped and looked at him in his clerical clothes and asked, "Why do you dress funny?"

He told him he was a priest and this is the uniform priests wear.

Little Johnny pointed to the priest's plastic collar tab and asked, "Do you have an owie?"

The priest was perplexed till he realized that to him the collar tab looked like a band-aid. So the priest took it out and handed it to Little Johnny, to show him. On the back of the tab were raised letters giving the name of the manufacturer.

Little Johnny felt the letters, and the priest asked, "Do you know what those words say?"

"Yes I do," said Little Johnny, who was not old enough to read. Peering intently at the letters he said, "Kills ticks and fleas up to six months!"

[Roy]

FED CHAIRMAN BERNANKE AS A CHILD...



http://i.imgur.com/XaiUx.gif





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[Jess from VA]

 FED CHAIRMAN BERNANKE AS A CHILD...

[Roy]

A NORWEGIAN AND A CANOE....



Lars asked Ole, "Do ya know da difference between a Norvegian and a canoe?"

"No, I don't," said Ole.

"A canoe will sometimes tip," explained Lars.





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