H U M O R Thread . Nothing to get riled up about. Jokes, puns, and riddles.

[Roy]

It's a matter of time . . .



A State Trooper was patrolling late at night off the main highway.
At nearly midnight , he sees a couple in a car, in lovers' lane, with the  interior light brightly glowing. He carefully approaches the car to get a  closer look. Then he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine. He immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat, filing her fingernails. Puzzled by this surprising situation, the trooper walks to the car and gently raps on the driver's window. The young man
lowers his window:

 “'Uh, yes, Officer?”
The trooper asks: “What are you doing?”
The young man says: “Well, Officer, I'm reading a magazine.”
Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the trooper
says: “And, her, what is she doing?”
The young man shrugs: “Sir, I believe she's filing her fingernails.”

Now the trooper is totally confused. A young couple, alone, in a
car, at night in a lover's lane and nothing obscene is happening!
The trooper asks: “What's your age, young man?”
The young man says: “I'm 22, sir.”
The trooper asks: “And her, what's her age?”

The young man looks at his a complex looking watch and replies:
“She'll be 18 in 11 minutes and 41 seconds.”







`

[Roy]

Study funded by Mass. Tax Payers . . .



I heard that they found about 200 dead crows near Boston, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. They had a Bird Pathologist examine the remains of all the crows, & he confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu, to everyone's relief. However, he determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks, & only 2% were killed by an impact with a car.

The State then hired an Ornithological Behaviourist to determine the disproportionate percentages for truck versus car kill. The Ornithological Behaviourist determined the cause in short order. When crows eat road kill, they always set-up a look-out Crow to warn of impending danger.

His conclusion was that all the lookout crows could say "Cah", but none could say “truck”.









`

[Roy]

SEX FOR AMMO . . .



This morning I lucked out and was able to buy several cases of ammo.

On the way home I stopped at the gas station and this drop dead gorgeous
 blonde was filling up her car at the next pump.
 
She looked at the ammo in the back of my car and said in a very sexy
 voice,
 
"I'm a big believer in barter, big boy. Would you be interested in a trade
 of sex for ammo?"
 
I thought it over for a few seconds and responded......"Well, just what
 kind of ammo have you got to trade?"








`

[bigguy]

A 90-year-old man goes for a physical exam.  All of his tests come back with normal results.  The
doctor says, "George, everything looks great.  How are you doing mentally and emotionally? 
Are you at peace with God?"

George replies, "God and I are tight.  He knows I have poor eyesight, so He's fixed it so when I
get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof!  The light goes on.  When I'm done,
poof!  The light goes off."

"Wow, that's incredible," the doctor says.

 

A little later in the day, the doctor calls George's wife.  "Ethel," he says, "George is doing fine!
But I had to call you because I'm in awe of his relationship with God.  Is it true that he gets up
during the night, and poof! ... the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he's done, poof! ... the light
goes off?"

 

"Oh sweet Jesus" exclaims Ethel. "He's peeing in the refrigerator again!"

[Roy]

VIAGRA . . .


A man goes into a Drug Store and says: “Have you got Viagra?” “Do you have a prescription?” asks the chemist. “No,” he replies, “But I’ve got a photograph of the wife.....






`

[Roy]

Manhood . . .



Herb decided to propose to Sandy, but prior to her acceptance Sandy had to confess to her man about her childhood illness. She informed Herb that she suffered a disease that left her breasts at the maturity of a 12 year old. He stated that it was OK because he loved her so much.
 
However, Herb felt this was also the time for him to open up and admit that he had a deformity too.

Herb looked Sandy in the eyes and said "I too have a problem. My manhood is the same size as an infant and I hope you could deal with that once we are married."
She said, "Yes I will marry you and learn to live with your infant size manhood."
So they got married and couldn't wait for the honeymoon.
 
Herb whisked Sandy off to their hotel suite and they started , holding one another... As Sandy put her hands on Herbs tool' she began to scream and ran out of the room!

Herb ran after her to find out what was wrong.
She said, "You told me your manhood was the size of an infant!"
"Yes, it is - 8 pounds 7 ounces!






`

[Roy]

DOCTOR - NURSE JOKES . . . (true story)



A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room
when a young woman with purple hair styled
into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety
of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing,
entered . . . It was quickly determined that
the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was
scheduled for immediate surgery..

When she was completely disrobed on the operating
table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had
been dyed green and above it there was a
tattoo that read . . . 'Keep off the grass.'

 Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon
 wrote a short note on the patient's dressing,
which said, 'Sorry . . . had to mow the lawn.'

 Submitted by RN n.o.

  . .. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .


 As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB.

 
I was quite embarrassed when performing female
pelvic exams... To cover my embarrassment
I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly.

 The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassing me.
I looked up from my work and sheepishly said. . .

 
I'm sorry. Was I tickling you? '
She replied with tears running down
her cheeks from laughing so hard . . .

 'No doctor but the song you were whistling was . . .
 'I wish I was an Oscar Mayer Wiener .'

Dr. wouldn’t ' submit his name....








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[Roy]

EVER WONDER WHAT THE FEATHERS IN AN INDIAN HEAD DRESS STOOD FOR ?



A female reporter, interviewing an American Indian Chief, asked the significance of the varied number of feathers in Indian headdresses.

"Feathers show number of sexual partners," the chief replied. Pointing to a nearby young brave, he continued, "Him? One woman, one feather. Him?", pointing to a second, older man, "Three women, three feathers."


The reporter looked at the Chief's headdress. "But you have so many feathers!"

The Chief proudly slapped his chest. "Me Chief. Sleep with all women. Big, small, fat, tall."

Horrified, the female reporter said, "You ought to be hung!"

The Chief said, "Damn right. Me hung big like buffalo, long like snake."

The offended reporter said, "You don't have to be hostile!"

The Chief replied, "Hoss-style, dog-style, wolf-style, any style!"

The reporter cried, "Oh, dear!"

"No deer," said the Chief. "Ass too high, run too fast."







`

[bigguy]

[Roy]

That would  be an absolute screw-up!

[Roy]

`
A JEWISH BEACH STORY . . .






A widowed Jewish lady, still in good shape, was sunbathing on a deserted beach in Boca Raton , Florida . She looked up and noticed that a man her age, also in good shape, had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand near hers and began reading a book. Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him. "How are you today?"

"Fine, thank you," he responded, and turned back to his book.

"I love the beach. Do you come here often?" she asked.

"First time since my wife passed away 2 years ago," he replied and turned back to his book.

"I'm sorry to hear that. My husband passed away three years ago and it is very lonely, she countered. "Do you live around here?" She asked.

"Yes, I live over in Coral Springs " he answered, and again he resumed reading.

Trying to find a topic of common interest, she persisted, "Do you like pussy cats?"

With that, the man dropped his book, came over to her blanket, tore off her swimsuit and gave her the most passionate lovemaking of her life.

When the cloud of sand began to settle, she gasped and asked the man, "How did you know that was what I wanted?”

The man replied. "How did you know my name was Katz?"









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[Roy]

TEMPER . . .


A woman goes to the Doctor, worried about her husband's temper.

The Doctor asks: "What's the problem?

The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every day my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason. It scares me."

The Doctor says: "I have a cure for that. When it seems that your husband is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he either leaves the room or goes to bed and is asleep."

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.
The woman says: "Doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband started losing it, I swished with water. I swished and swished, and he calmed right down! How does a glass of water do that?"

The Doctor says: "The water itself does nothing. It's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick...."








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[Jess from VA]

Random Humor

[Roy]

Good laughs  !

[Roy]

BUBBA AND EARL . . . what a pair.



Two rednecks, Bubba and Earl, were driving down the road drinking a couple of bottles of Bud.

The passenger, Bubba, said "lookey thar up ahead, Earl, it's a poll-ice roadblock!! We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here beers!!"

Don't worry, Bubba", Earl said. "We'll just pull over and finish drinkin' these beers, peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, and throw the bottles under the seat".

"What fer?", asked Bubba.
"Just let me do the talkin', OK?", said Earl.

Well, they finished their beers, threw the empty bottles under the seat, and each put a label on their forehead. When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, "You boys been drinkin'?"

"No, sir", said Earl. "We're on the patch"!









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[Roy]

JOB DISCRIPTION . . .


Someone once asked me, what is your job?"
 






I replied, “I am my wife's sexual advisor."
 






Somewhat shocked, they said "I beg your pardon, but what do you mean by that?"
 






Very simple. My wife has told me that when she wants my f#%*ing advice, she'll ask me for it.
 






`

[Jess from VA]

    From:Lady Interviewer: Do you drink every day?


    Man: Yes.


    Lady Interviewer: How much a day?


    Man: Around 3 six-packs starting at noon.


    Lady Interviewer: How much does a 6-pack cost?


    Man: Roughly $10.00 at a deli.


    Lady Interviewer: And how long have you been drinking like that?


    Man: 15 years.


    Lady Interviewer: So with a six-pack costing $10.00, and you consuming 3 six-packs a day, you are spending roughly $900 each month. In one year, you would then be spending $10,800, correct?


    Man: Correct.


    Lady Interviewer: If in 1 year you spend $10,800 on beer, not accounting for inflation, 15 years puts your spending roughly $162,000; correct?


    Man: Correct.


    Lady Interviewer: Did it ever occur to you that if you did not drink for the last 15 years, you could have bought a Ferrari?


    Man: Do you drink?


    Lady Interviewer: No.


    Man: So where's your fokin' Ferrari?

 

[Roy]

THE GOOD DENTIST . . .


A guy and a girl meet at a bar……

They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl's place.

A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his
hands.

He then takes off his trousers and again washes his hands.
The girl has been watching him and says:

"You must be a dentist."
The guy, surprised, says:"Yes .... How did you figure that out?"
"Easy.." she replies, "you keep washing your hands."
One thing leads to another and they make love.
After it's over the girl says: "You must be a good dentist."

The guy, now with an inflated ego, says:
"Sure - I'm a good dentist. How did you figure that out?"
The girl replies:....

"I didn't feel a thing."









`

[Roy]

The Golden Phone . . .


A man in Topeka, Kansas decided to write a book about churches around the country. He starts by flying to San Francisco and working east from there.

He goes to a very large church and begins taking pictures, etc. He spots a golden telephone on a wall and is intrigued with a sign which reads "$10,000.00 a minute." Seeking out the pastor, he asks about the phone and the sign. The pastor answers that this golden phone is, in fact, a direct line to Heaven, and if he pays the price he can talk directly to God. He thanks the pastor and continues on his way.

As he continues to visit churches in Seattle, Denver, Boise, Milwaukee, Chicago, New York, and on around the United States, he finds more phones with the same sign, and the same answer from each pastor.

Finally, he arrives in the North Carolina. Upon entering a church, lo and behold, he sees the usual golden telephone. But THIS time the sign reads "Calls: 25 cents." Fascinated, he asks to talk to the pastor.

"Reverend, I have been in cities all across the country and in each church I found this golden telephone, and I have been told it is a direct line to Heaven and that I could talk to God, but in the other churches the cost was $10,000.00 a minute. Your sign reads 25 cents a call. Why?"

The pastor, smiling benignly, replies, "Son, you're in the South now. It's a local call."



... in other words,  IT'S GODS COUNTRY

[Roy]

Temperature . . .



A big shot business man had to spend a couple of days in
the hospital. He was a royal pain to the nurses because
he bossed them around just like he did his employees.

None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to
do with him. The head nurse was the only one who could
stand up to him. She came into his room and announced,
"I have to take your temperature."

After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled
down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth.

"No, I'm sorry, the nurse stated, "but for this reading,
I cannot use an oral thermometer." This started another
round of complaining, but eventually he rolled over and
bared his rear end.

After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard
her announce, "I have to get something. Now you stay
JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!"

She left the door to his room open on her way out. He
cursed under his breath as he heard people walking past
his door laughing. After almost an hour, the man's doctor
came into the room.

"What's going on here?" asked the doctor.
Angrily, the man answered, "What's the matter, Doc?
Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature
taken?"









`

[Roy]

Teenager and the Cop . . .


A police officer stops a young kid and says, "Do you know why I stopped you?"

The kid says, "Doesn't matter, you're going to get your quota no matter what I say."

The officer says, "You slowed down for the stop sign back there, but you didn't stop. You DO know the difference between 'slow down' and 'stop,' right?"

The kid says, "No, why don't you explain it to me."

The officer says, "Very well. Step out of the vehicle for me, please." When the kid gets out, the officer whips out his baton and starts beating the kid with it and says, "Now, do you want me to slow down or do you want me to stop!?"








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[Roy]

Gone Fishing . . .


Four guys have been going to the same fishing trip for many years. Two days before the group is to leave, Ron's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going. Ron's mates are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.

Two days later the three get to the camping site only to find Ron sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and dinner cooking on the fire.

"Ron, how long you been here, and how did you talk your missus into letting you go?"

"Well, I've been here since yesterday. Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said, 'Guess who?'"

 I pulled her hands off, and she was wearing a brand new nightie. She took my hand and pulled me to our bedroom. The room had candles and rose petals all over. On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes! She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed, and I did.
 
And then she said, "Do whatever you want."

So, Here I am.









`

 

[Roy]

Jesus knows you're here . . .

 

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight
around lookingfor valuables when a voice in the dark said,
 
'Jesus knows you're here.'

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight

off, and froze.

When he heard nothing more,

after a bit, he shook his head and continued.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so

he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard

'Jesus is watching you.'

Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking

for the source of the voice.
 
Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to
rest on a parrot.

'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.

'Yep', the parrot confessed,

then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you that he is

watching you.'

The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me,  huh? Who in the world are you ?'

'Moses,'  replied the bird.
 
'Moses?' the burglar laughed.
'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?'

'The kind of people that would name a
Rottweiler Jesus.'



Have a nice day









`

[Roy]

IRISH WEDDING JOKE FOR ST. Pat's . . .



A young Irish couple wed, and after the wedding came the reception at the local pub. During the best man's speech, he called on all the married man to stand. "Now," he said, "All of you go stand by the person who's made your life worth living."


The bartender was almost crushed to death...









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[Roy]

Past out Hillbilly . . .


Passed-out hillbilly...MT?



A hillbilly was walking along a town street when suddenly he fell to the ground, passed out. A large crowd began to gather as he came to, laid flat out on the ground.
 
"Give him some water!" a man yelled.
 
"No, put his feet up!" said another.
 
"Give him a bottle of wine!" yelled a little old lady.
 
"No, do that CPR on him quick!" screamed a boy.
 
"Call an ambulance!" a businessman demanded.
 
Suddenly, the hillbilly raised his head and the crowd fell silent.
 
"It's about danged time y'all shut up," he said, "and listened to that little old lady!!!"








`

[Roy]

Saint . . .



The remote convent of St John's in the deep Southwest of Ireland cherished two tightly linked traditions —

•the expectation that St John himself would some day show-up there unannounced, incognito.

•that no traveler would ever be turned away but would always be taken in and given lodging, food and water for himself and his mount, medical care if necessary, etc

One day, a young nun very hesitantly approached the Mother Superior —

"Mother, there's a man at the gate whom I really don't think that we should admit."

"And why not, pray tell? We haven't turned a traveler away in over two hundred years!"

"But Mother, this man is the most blasphemously profane man whom I'm ever heard! And he's literally stinking drunk after urinating and regurgitating all over himself. He's pawing through the gate, trying to fondle Sister Magdalena. I don't see any possibility whatever that he could be Saint John!"

The Mother Superior pondered the matter for a while — then —

"Let him in. Be nice to him. He may well be Saint Patrick."








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[Jess from VA]

Excellent!!   

[Roy]

Old sol . . .



I sat up all night wondering where the sun went... 





*








*







*         ....then it dawned on me..

[bigguy]

Sign on the Sports Editor's desk:

[Roy]

`
TWO CANADIAN HUNTERS . . .


Two Canadian hunters were driving through the country to go bear hunting. They

came upon a fork in the road where a sign read "BEAR LEFT" so they went home.




`

[Roy]

NO Speak English

A German woman married an American gentleman born in Virginia and they lived happily ever after in his home town.


The poor lady was not very proficient in English, but did manage to communicate with her husband. The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries.

One day, she went to the butcher counter and wanted to buy chicken legs. She didn't know how to put forward her request, so, in desperation, clucked like a chicken and lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. Her butcher got the message and gave her the chicken legs.

Next day she needed to get chicken breasts, again she didn't know how to say it, so she clucked like a chicken and unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breasts. The butcher understood again and gave her some chicken breasts.

On the 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. Unable to find a way to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store...

*




What were you thinking?  Her hubby doesn't speak English...










`

[Roy]

`


Two things to think about:

1. If you spray a mosquito with mosquito repellent would he lose his friends?

2. Whats with all the toilet paper ads? Who isnt buying it?








`

[Roy]

- Paddy is in luck again -



Paddy rings his new girlfriend's door bell, with a big bunch of flowers.


She opens the door, sees the flowers, and drags him in. She lies back on the couch, pulls her skirt up, rips her knickers off and says 'This is for the flowers!'


'Don't be silly,' says Paddy, 'You must have a vase somewhere'?









`
 

[Roy]

Pun contest . . .



There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win.
Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.






`

[Roy]

The sensious wife . . .



"Have you ever seen a twenty dollar bill all crumpled up?" asked the wife.

"No," said her husband.

She gave him a sexy little smile, slowly reached into her cleavage and pulled out a crumpled twenty dollar bill.


"Have you ever seen a fifty all crumpled up?" she asked.

"Uh, no," he said.

She gave him another sexy little smile, seductively reached into her panties and pulled out a crumpled fifty dollar bill.


"Now," she said, "Have you ever seen 40,000 dollars all crumpled up?"

"No," he said, now really intrigued.


"Well, go look in the garage…"







`

[Jess from VA]

[Roy]

Once worked for an outfit that had an overweight Electrician and he had the same butt crack problem.  A young female worker found it to be sexual harASSment and filed an official complaint.  The boss eventually talked her out of sending the complaint up the line to a higher supervisor in headquarters..  True Story!




`










`

[Roy]

`



Dump the male flight attendants. 
No one wanted them in the first place....


Replace all the female flight attendants with good-looking strippers!
What the hell -- they don't even serve food anymore, so what's the loss?


The strippers would at least triple the alcohol sales and get a 'party atmosphere' going in the cabin. And, of course, every businessman in this country would start flying again, hoping to see naked women.


Because of the tips, female flight attendants wouldn't need a salary, thus saving even more money.
I suspect tips would be so good that we could charge the women for working the plane and have them kick back 20% of the tips, including lap dances and 'special services.'


Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing naked women.
Hijackings would come to a screeching halt, and the airline industry would see record revenues.


This is definitely a win-win situation if we handle it right -- a golden opportunity to turn a liability into an asset.


Why didn't Bush or Obama think of this? Why do I still have to do everything myself?







Sincerely,


Bill Clinton






`

[Jess from VA]

Good one!

I had never seen the official WH portrait of Clinton before.

[Roy]

I think Billy Boy is the funnest Presidents to make jokes about!