H U M O R Thread . Nothing to get riled up about. Jokes, puns, and riddles.

[NCGhostrider]

Had this forwarded to me.   Its in German, but you will get the jest of it without understanding the language.


http://www.wimp.com/dadipad/

Craig
NcGhostrider
99 I/S

[Roy]

It's only a temporary repair . .








*

[Big Rig]

Govt extended warranty....just sayin

[Jess from VA]

Yankee ingenuity, or redneck engineering?   


I'm pretty sure that won't get you thru VAs safety inspection.   


I suppose she didn't cut the handle off so she can give the finger to all who are looking. 


Caption: How to get pulled over for a broken driver's mirror in 30 minutes or less. 

[Roy]

Good on her!

[Roy]

BAYOU rooster FIGHT


The Louisiana State Police received reports of illegal cockfights being held in the area around Crowley, and duly dispatched the infamous detective Boudreaux to investigate.

He reported to his sergeant the next morning. "Dey is tree main groups in dis rooster fightin'" he began.

"Good work. Who are they?" the sergeant asked.
Boudreaux replied confidently, "De Aggies, de Cajuns, and de Mafia."
Puzzled, the sergeant asked, "How did you find that out in one night?"

"Well," he replied, "I went down and done seen dat rooster fight. I knowed the Aggies was involved when a duck was entered in the fight."
The sergeant nodded, "I'll buy that. But what about the others?"

Boudreaux intoned knowingly, "Well, I knowed de Cajuns was involved when summbody bet on de duck."

"Ah," sighed the sergeant, "And how did you deduce the Mafia was involved?" "De duck won."

[Don07tncav]

And remember Seniors - you have your VERY OWN special texting codes!

ATD: At The Doctor’s

BFF: Best Friend Farted

BTW: Bring The Wheelchair

BYOT: Bring Your Own Teeth

CGU: Can’t get up

CGIP: Can’t get IT up

CUATSC: See You At The Senior Center

DWI: Driving While Incontinent

FWB: Friend With Beta Blockers

FWIW: Forgot Where I Was

FYI: Found Your Insulin

GGPBL: Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low!

GHA: Got Heartburn Again

HGBM: Had Good Bowel Movement

IMHO: Is My Hearing-Aid On?

LMDO: Laughing My Dentures Out

LOL: Living On Lipitor

LWO: Lawrence Welk’s On

OMMR: On My Massage Recliner

OMSG: Oh My! Sorry, Gas.

PIMP: Pooped in my pants

ROFL… CGU: Rolling On The Floor Laughing… And Can’t Get Up

SGGP: Sorry, Gotta Go Poop

TTYL: Talk To You Louder

WTFA: Wet The Furniture Again

WTP: Where’s The Prunes?

WWNO: Walker Wheels Need Oil


GLKI (Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking In)

[Roy]

 

[Roy]

[Roy]

Easter according to Blondes . . .



Three blondes died and found themselves standing before St. Peter. He
told them that before they could enter the Kingdom, they had to tell
himwhat Easter represented.

The first blonde, an American, said "Easter is a holiday where they
have a big feast and we give thanks and eat turkey."

St. Peter said, "Noooooo," and wouldn't let her in.

The second blonde, a Brit, said "Easter is when we celebrate Jesus'
birth and exchange gifts."

St. Peter said, "Noooooo," and he wouldn't let her in either.

The third blonde, a Canadian, said she knew what Easter was, and
St.Peter said, "So, tell me." She said, "Easter is a Christian holiday
thatcoincides with the Jewish festival of Passover. Jesus was having
Passover feast with His disciples when He was betrayed by Judas, and
theRomans arrested Him. The Romans hung Him on the cross and eventually
He died. Then they buried Him in a tomb behind a very large boulder. "

St. Peter said, "Verrrrrry good."

Then the blonde continued, "Now, every year the Jews roll away
theboulder and Jesus comes out. If he sees his shadow, we have six
moreweeks of hockey."

[Jess from VA]

OMG!! 

[Roy]

[YoungPUP]

Two Arkansas rednecks are out hunting, and as they are
                Walking along they come upon a huge sink hole in the
 ground. They approached it and are amazed by the size
 of it.   The first hunter says, "
 Wow, 'at's some sink hole, I can't even see the
 bottom, I wonder how deep it is?"
 The second hunter says" I don't know,
 let's throw something down and listen and see how long
 it takes to hit bottom."  The first hunter says,
 "There's this old transmission here, give me a
 hand and we'll throw it in and see."
 So they pick it up and carry it over, and
 count one, and two, and three, and throw it in the sink
 hole. They are standing there listening and looking over
 the edge and they hear a rustling in the brush
 behind them. As they turnaround they see a goat come
 crashing through the brush, run up to the sink hole, and with no
 hesitation, jump in head first.
 While they are standing there looking at
 each other, looking in the sink hole, and trying to figure
 out what that was all about, an old farmer walks up.
 "Didn't happen to see my goat round here, did ya?"
 The first hunter says  " We sure nuff did.
 We was justa standin here a minute ago and yer goat come
 running out of them bushes over yonder doin' bout a hunert
 miles an hour and he jumped headfirst into this here sink hole!"
 And the old farmer said........








"That ain't possible. I had him chained to an old transmission....

[Roy]

The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married for the fourth time.

The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about
her new husband's occupation.

"He's a funeral director," she answered.

"Interesting," the newsman thought.

He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living. She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years.

After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she had first married a banker when she was in her early 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, and a preacher when in her 60's, and now in her 80's, a funeral director.

The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.







She smiled and explained, "I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go.."

[Roy]

Draw a picture of your Mommy's job . . .

[Roy]

New Minnesota Quarters...



Hang on to any of the new Minnesota Quarters you may acquire.
They may be worth MUCH MORE than 25 cents!


The US Mint announced today that it is recalling all of the
Minnesota quarters that are part of its program featuring quarters from each state.
This action is being taken after numerous reports that the new
quarters will not work in parking meters, toll booths, vending machines, pay
phones or any other coin-operated devices.


The problem lies in the unique makeup of the Minnesota quarter,
which was designed by a couple of Norwegian specialists, Sven and Ole.
Apparently the duct tape holding the two dimes and the nickel together
keeps jamming up the machines.

[Roy]

The Nun and the Cabbie...


A cab picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that a
VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why
he is staring. He replies: "I have a question to ask you but I don't want
to offend you. She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're
as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance
to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you
could say or ask that I would find offensive."
 

"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me"
 
She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, You have
to be single and #2, you must be Catholic."
 
The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!"
 
"OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley."
 The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.
But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying. "My
dear child," says the nun, "why are you crying?"
 
"Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and
I'm Jewish."
 The nun says, "That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween
party."

[Jess from VA]

The nun says, "That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween
party."

[Roy]

        !

[Roy]

Sweet Potatoes . . .


Every morning during our coffee break, my co-workers and I listened to the culinary disasters of a newlywed colleague. We then tried to share some helpful hints and recipes.

One day she asked us for step-by-step instructions on cooking sweet potatoes, one of her husband's favorites. "I've finally been able to make them sweet," she said, "but how do you make them orange?"

[Roy]

Smokey the Bear knows Fire






[

[Grumpy]

        A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in Montana when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.



        The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"




        Bud looks at the man, who obviously is a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, why not?"




        The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.


        �


        The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany ...


        �


        Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.




        Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer, turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."




        "That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bud.


        He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.



        Then Bud says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"



        The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"



        "You're a Congressman for theU.S.Government", says Bud


        "Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"



        "No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep.




        Now give me back my dog.

        AND THAT FOLKS IS WHAT THE PROBLEM IS ALL ABOUT.

         

 

 

[Roy]

D.U.I.  CHECKPOINT AHEAD

[Roy]

[grandpaweaver]

Where can I get one of those?

[Roy]

I would imagine you can get one of those at a real genuine Greasey Spoon Restaurant.

[Roy]

State Trooper and the old man..



A senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little gray hair he had left. "Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-94, pushing the pedal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a state trooper behind him, lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this," and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival. Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch, and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."

 The old gentleman paused. Then he said, "Years ago, my wife
 ran off with a State trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."
 
"Have a good day, sir," replied the trooper.  

[Black Dog]

Looks a bit like the 'Angry Mountain' thay sold at the diner we went to in Bellaire MI during the past two InZanes 

What say you Daniel? 

Black Dog

[Roy]

Sure does look like an angry mountain of cholestrol..[/b]

[Roy]

21 Ways to tell your friend his fly is open.

(a few more have been added to the list)



21) Your lipstick is falling out of your handbag


20) The cucumber has left the salad.


19) I can see the gun of Navarone.


18) Someone tore down the wall, and your Pink Floyd is hanging out.


17) You've got Windows in your laptop.


16) Sailor Ned's trying to take a little shore  leave.


15) Your soldier ain't so unknown now.


14) Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bell.


13) Paging Mr. Johnson... Paging Mr. Johnson...


12) You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked position.


11) Your pod bay door is open, Hal.


10) Elvis Junior has LEFT the building!


9) Mini Me is making a break for the escape pod.


Ensign Hanes is reporting a hull breach on the lower deck, Sir!


7) The Buick is not all the way in the garage.


6) Dr. Kimble has escaped!


5) You've got your fly set for "Monica" instead of "Hillary."


4) Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction...


3) You've got a security breach at Los Pantalones.


2) I’m talking about Shaft, can you dig it?
 



And the number one way to tell someone their fly is unzipped…



 

1) I thought you were crazy, now I see your nuts.

 

[Jess from VA]

[MacDragon]

HaHaHa... too damn funny...

[Roy]

 

[Roy]

[Roy]

[Roy]

Puns not Jokes. . . . . Punography



Do not enjoy computer jokes. Not one bit.


I changed my i Pod name to Titanic. It's syncing now.

When chemists die, they barium.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.


A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.


I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time


How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.


I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.


This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.


I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down.


I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.


They told me I had type A blood, but it was a Type-O.


A dyslexic man walks into a bra


PMS jokes aren't funny, period.


Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.


Class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz.


Energizer Bunny arrested. Charged with battery.


I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.


How do you make holy water? Boil the hell out of it!


Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?


When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.


What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back four seconds.


I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me!


Broken pencils are pointless.


I tried to catch some fog. I mist.

 
What do you call a dinosaur with extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.


England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.


I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.


I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.


All the toilets in New York's police stations have been stolen. Police have nothing to go on.


I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.


Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy.


Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!


Earthquake in Washington, D.C., it's obviously the government's fault


I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.


Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.

[Roy]

Whitehouse Gardener Fired. . .


Jim Whitey, the head gardener at the White House, was dismissed today
after 28 years of loyal service to many US Presidents.

In an exclusive Interview outside the back gate of the Presidential Residence, Mr. Whitey,an elderly gentleman, proclaimed his innocence and strongly condemned his firing.

"It all happened so fast. I'm still in a daze," said the bewildered
Whitey."All I know is, I was getting ready to weed the rose bed outside the
Oval Office window like I do every week.

I yelled out to my assistants, 'Has anyone seen the spade and the hoe?'
And the next thing I knew, the Secret Service was escorting me off the
property!"

[fudgie]

A couple just got in from their 1st date and were talking.

Him- "how often do you like sex?"
Her- "Infrequently."
Him- "is that 1 word or 2?"

 

[Roy]

Barn Door Open . . .



A older gentelman was taking his time. Just getting the things he needed at his local Wal- Mart.. upon passing a woman going the opposite way in the same aisle. The woman speaks to the older Gentleman and says. "Excuse me Sir. But your barn door is wide open" The older gentleman just smiles, and heads on down the aisle. Where he meets a man as he's turning into another aisle. The man Speaks to the older Gentleman and tells him his fly is open. He just ignores the comment.

Then the older Gentelman gets to thinking... He thinks of having a bit of fun with the woman he had run into earlier. So, the Gentleman rushes to the front of the store to see if he can catch this woman at the check out lanes.

He finds the woman busy unloading her cart.. Now, He speaks to this woman and ask's her a question.

He asks, The woman (Smarter than he) Replies "No Sir ! i did not. All i saw was a
disabled veteran, sitting on two dufflel bags"..

[FryeVRCCDS0067]

Hoosier Poetry

The final stage of a national poetry contest had come down to two finalists. A collage professor and a local Hoosier.

During the final stage each contestant had to make up a poem using the word Timbuktu.

The professor went first, he got up to the podium, thought for a minute and said.

"Across the searing desert sands, goes a camel caravan
Men and camels, two by two
On their way, to Timbuktu"

The crowd roared, wow that was good.

Now the Hoosier took the podium, paused and said.

"Me an Tim a huntin’ went
We comes across three girls in a tent
They was three, and we was two
So I buc one and Tim buc two"