H U M O R Thread . Nothing to get riled up about. Jokes, puns, and riddles.

[Roy]

Pearly Gates of Heaven . . .


A woman arrived at the Gates of Heaven. While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through the gates. She saw a beautiful banquet table. Sitting all around were her parents and all the other people she had loved and who had died before her.
 
They saw her and began calling greetings to her. "Hello - How are you! We've been waiting for you! Good to see you."
 

When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him, "This is such a wonderful place! How do I get in?"
 
"You have to spell a word," Saint Peter told her. "Which word?" the woman asked.
 
"Love."
 
The woman correctly spelled 'Love',and Saint Peter welcomed her into Heaven.
 
About a year later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day.
 

While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived.
 
I'm surprised to see you," the woman said. "How have you been?"
 
"Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died," her husband told her.
 
"I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill. And then I won the multi-state lottery. I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a huge mansion. And my wife and I traveled all around the world. We were on vacation in Cancun and I went water skiing today. I fell and hit my head, and here I am. What a bummer! How I get in?
 
"You have to spell a word," the woman told him.
 
"Which word?" her husband asked.


*




*

 
" Czechoslovakia .."

[Roy]

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[Roy]

Age Barometer

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Total the number of these that you remember:

1. Blackjack chewing gum
2. Wax Coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water
3. Candy cigarettes
4. Soda pop machines that dispensed bottles
5. Coffee shops with tableside jukeboxes
6. Home milk delivery in glass bottles with cardboard stoppers
7. Party lines
8. Newsreels before the movie
9. P.F. Flyers
10. Butch wax
11. Telephone numbers with a word prefix (Olive - 6933)
12. Peashooters
13. Howdy Doody
14. 45 RPM records
15. S&H Green Stamps
16. Hi-fi's
17. Metal ice trays with levers
18. Mimeograph paper
19. Blue flashbulbs
20. Beanie and Cecil
21. Roller skate keys
22. Cork popguns
23. Drive-ins
24. Studebakers
25. Wash tub wringers







scroll down for your score















If you remembered 0-5 You're still young.

If you remembered 6-10 You are getting older.

If you remembered 11-15 Don't tell your age.

If you remembered 16-25 You're older than dirt

[Roy]

Yank in England...




An American visiting in England asked at the hotel for the elevator.

The portiere looked a bit confused but smiled when he realized what the man wanted.

"You must mean the lift," he said.

"No," the American responded. "If I ask for the elevator I mean the elevator."

"Well," the portiere answered, "over here we call them lifts".

"Now you listen", the American said rather irritated, "someone in America invented the elevator."

"Oh, right you are sir," the portiere said in a polite tone, "but someone here in England invented the language."

[Jess from VA]

Proof that a good woman can bring stability and balance to your life.

[Roy]

Sure wish I could open that red 'X' .  

[Roy]

EBAY . . .



"If you buy stuff on line, check out the seller carefully.

Be careful what you purchase on eBay.

A friend spent $50 on a penis enlarger.

Bastards sent him a magnifying glass.

Instructions said, "Do not use in the sunlight"

[Roy]

DADGUM MULE...



A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place. The farmer genuinely tried to be friendly to his new mother-in-law, hoping that it could be a friendly, non-antagonistic relationship.

To no avail, she kept nagging them at every opportunity, demanding changes, offering unwanted advice, and making life unbearable to the farmer and his new bride.

While they were walking through the barn, the farmer's mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law in the head, killing her instantly.

At the funeral service a few days later, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by.

The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head yes and say something.

Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, however, he would shake his head, no and mumble a reply.

Very curious about this bizarre behavior, the pastor later asked the farmer what that was all about.

The farmer replied, "The women would say, 'What a terrible tragedy' and I would nod my head and say, 'Yes, it was.'

The men would ask, 'Can I borrow that mule?' and I would shake my head and say, 'Can't. It's all booked up for a year

[Don07tncav]

Why I Owe My Mother ....
1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE .
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
"Because I said so, that' s why."

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC .
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with
me."

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

7. My mother taught me IRONY.
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS .
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTION-ISM.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA ..
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.."

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION .
"Stop acting like your father!"

15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful
parents like you do."

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING ..
"You are going to get it when you get home!"

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way."

19. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT .
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

And my favorite:
25. My mother taught me about JUSTICE.
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"

Only you folks my age understand these profound statements!!!
But, there is one missing from this list~~My personal all time favorite!!

My mother taught me about CHOICE.
"Do you want me to stop this car?"

[Roy]

     

[MacDragon]

Seniors Banking... PRICELESS!!

Shown below, is an actual letter that was sent to a bank by an 86 year
old woman.

The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in the Times.

Dear Sir:

I am writing to thank you for bouncing my cheque with which I
endeavoured to pay my plumber last month.

By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his
presenting the cheque and the arrival in my account of the funds
needed to honor it..

I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire
pension, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only
eight years.

You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity,
and also for debiting my account £30 by way of penalty for the
inconvenience caused to your bank.

My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has
caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that whereas
I personally answer your telephone calls and letters, --- when I try
to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging,
pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become.

From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person.

My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no longer
be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by cheque, addressed
personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you
must nominate.

Be aware that it is an OFFENSE under the Postal Act for any other
person to open such an envelope.

Please find attached an Application Contact which I require your
chosen employee to complete.

I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much
about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative.

Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be
countersigned by a Notary Public figure, and the mandatory details of
his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities)
must be accompanied by documented proof.

In due course, at MY convenience, I will issue your employee with a
PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me.

I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have
modelled it on the number of button presses required of me to access
my account balance on your phone bank service.

As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

Let me level the playing field even further.

When you call me, press buttons as follows:

IMMEDIATELY AFTER DIALLING, PRESS THE STAR (*) BUTTON FOR ENGLISH

#1. To make an appointment to see me

#2. To query a missing payment.

#3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.

#4 To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.

#5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.

#6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.

#7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my
computer is required.

Password will be communicated to you at a later date to that
Authorized Contact mentioned earlier.

#8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 to 9

#9. To make a general complaint or inquiry.

The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my
automated answering service.

While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music
will play for the duration of the call.

Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an
establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.

May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous New Year?

Your Humble Client

And remember:


Don't make old people mad. We don't like being old in the first place,
so it doesn't take much to piss us off.

[Roy]

Dat's a long one.     

[RainMaker]

Dat's a long one.     

Dat's what she said.

[tank_post142]

[Roy]

I thought he had only one sister, Freya, but the Godess you posted sure looks the part.

[Roy]

Now that I'm "older" here's what I've discovered:



    1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

    2. My wild oats have turned into prunes and All Bran.

    3. I finally got my head together; now my body is falling apart.

    4. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.

    4. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.

    5. All reports are in; life is now officially unfair.

    6. If all is not lost, where is it?

    7. It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.

    8. Some days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant.

    9. I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could use a few.
     
    10. Kids in the back seat cause accidents.

    11. Accidents in the back seat cause kids.

    12. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

    13. The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in the bathroom.

    14. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.

    15. When I'm finally holding all the cards, why does everyone decide to play chess?

    16. It's not hard to meet expenses ... they're everywhere.

    17. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

    18. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter I go somewhere to get something and then wonder what I'm here after.

    19. I AM UNABLE TO REMEMBER IF I HAVE POSTED THIS OR NOT!!!

    20. Funny, I don't remember being ... absent-minded.

    Now I think you're supposed to send this to 5 or 6, maybe 10. Oh, send it to a bunch of your friends if you can remember who they are.

    Then something is supposed to happen, I think. Maybe you get your memory back.

    Can someone tell me why I came to this forum?





____________________
 

 

[Roy]

Medical distinction between Guts and Balls. . .

 
We've all heard about people having Guts or Balls But do you really know the difference between them? There is a medical distinction between Guts and Balls.

In an effort to keep you informed, here are the definitions:

GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the boys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the Guts to ask: 'Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?'

BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the Balls to say: 'You're next, Chubby.'





.

[Roy]

WHY MEN ARE NOT DEPRESSED . . .



Men Are Just Happier People - - -


What do you expect from such simple creatures?

Your last name stays put.

The garage is all yours.

Wedding plans take care of themselves.

You can be President.

You can never be pregnant.

You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.

You can wear NO shirt to a water park.

Car mechanics tell you the truth.

The world is your urinal.

You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.

You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.

Same work, more pay.

Wrinkles add character.

Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental $100.

People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.

New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.

One mood all the time.

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

You know stuff about Firearms.

A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.

You can open all your own jars.

You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

If someone forgets to invite you,
He or she can still be your friend.


Three pairs of shoes are more than enough..

You never have strap problems in public.

You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes..

Everything on your face stays its original color.

The same hairstyle lasts for years, even decades.

You only have to shave your face and neck.

One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons.

You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.

You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife.

You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives
On December 24 in 25 minutes.
___________________________________
Men Are Just Happier People...
NICKNAMES
If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah. If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Bubba and Wildman.

EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.


BATHROOMS
A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

FUTURE
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.


MARRIAGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

[Roy]

CURTAIN RODS . . .



She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.

On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things

On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candle-light, put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of spring-water.

When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar into the hollow of the curtain rods.

She then cleaned up the kitchen and left... When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days. Then slowly, the house began to smell. They tried everything; cleaning, mopping and airing the place out.

Vents were checked for dead rodents and carpets were steam cleaned.

Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked!!!

People stopped coming over to visit. Repairmen refused to work in the house. The maid quit.

Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move. A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house. Word got out and eventually even the local realtors refused to return their calls.

Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.

The ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going.

He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely and said that she missed her old home terribly and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house

Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on a price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth, but only if she were to sign the papers that very day.

She agreed and within the hour his lawyers delivered the paperwork.

A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home.......

And to spite the ex-wife, they even took the curtain rods . .


I LOVE A HAPPY ENDING,DON'T YOU?

[Roy]

That's about as cold as putting a pound of limburger in the defroster ducts of somebody's car! One of my friends did that when he discovered a buddy on a different shift at the factory was visiting his wife while he was at work!
 

[Thulsa Doom]

Do you know that pinkish juice at the bottom of the raw chicken meat package?
I once heard of someone putting that on the carpets and under the back seat of some dude's pickup. Rumor it it smelled pretty bad for quite a while once the hot sun got to it.
 

[Roy]

MY MISTAKE !



When the man at the door yelled, "Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms,"
I naturally assumed it was a delivery.....

[Roy]

New Rules for the Secret Service . . .


The Secret Service issued new rules of conduct for agents Friday.
.
They can no longer get drunk, procure hookers or go to strip bars.

The rules say that from now on, if agents feel compelled to engage

in such behavior, they can run for public office like everyone else.

[Roy]

New Comm0rative Pistol Issued. . .



Ruger is coming out with a new pistol in honor of the United States Senate and the House of Representatives. It will be named the “Congressman”.

It doesn't work and you can't fire it.










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[Roy]

Little Boy has questions . . .



A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?"

The man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex."

"Oh I see," replied the boy. "Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school."

He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package?"

The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys, one for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday."

"Cool" says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, "Then who are these for?"

"Those are for college men," the dad answers, "TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday."

"WOW!" exclaimed the boy, "Then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12 pack.

With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replied, "Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March......."

[Roy]

[Roy]

Redneck Wind Chime . . .








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[Roy]

Bert and Margaret[/u


Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home.
 
Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, "Notice anything different about me?"
 
Margaret looked him over. "Nope."
 
Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots.

Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, "Notice anything different now?"

Margaret looked up and said in her best deadpan, "Bert, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow."
 
Furious, Bert yelled, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?"

"Nope. Not a clue", she replied.
 
"IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S ADMIRING MY NEW BOOTS!!!!"

Without missing a beat Margaret replied, "Shoulda bought a hat, Bert. Shoulda bought a hat."

[Roy]

A very little person. . .



A little person named Marie was at the doctor's office. She told the doctor "It hurts down there, especially when I walk".

He picked her up and set her standing up on the examination table. He lifted up her skirt and took a look. He then lowered her skirt and said "I'll be right back". When he returned to the room, he had a scissors.

He raised her skirt and went to work. Snip, snip, snip, snip, snip. The doctor lowered her skirt and set her on the floor. "So walk around a little and see how that feels" he said.

Marie said " that feel great Doc, what did you do"?

The doc said " I just cut 2" off your cowboy boots".

[Roy]

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[tank_post142]

[Roy]

PEPSI TO INTRODUCE NEW SODA ?

R  rated.



Pfizer Corp. (NYSE PFE) is making the announcement today that VIAGRA (mykoxaphalentooldphyew) will soon be available in liquid form under the trade name of "Mydixaflop". Mydixaflop will be marketed by Pepsi Cola (Pepsi Bottling Group NYSE PBG) as a power beverage suitable for use as-is, or as a mixer, under the name "Mount And Do". Pepsi's proposed ad campaign suggests:

It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one." . . . .?

[Roy]

SMARTER WITH AGE..



A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two people show up.

 One is a Old fisherman in his late sixties and the other is a  gorgeous blond in her mid-twenties.

The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it.  This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you two had better be good or you're history.

Here's your equipment --chair, whip and a gun.  Who wants to try out first?"

The girl says, "I'll go first." She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage.

The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her. About halfway there, she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked  body.

 The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her feet and ankles. He continues to lick and kiss her entire body for several minutes and then rests his head at her feet.

The circus owner's jaw is on the floor. He says, "I've never seen a display like that in my life."

He then turns to the old fisherman and asks, "Can you top that?"

The tough old guy replies, "No problem, just get that lion out of there"!

[Roy]

STRANGERS IN THE NIGHT ON A TRAIN...



A married man and a married woman who were strangers were assigned the same sleeping room on a trans-continental train. They were both uncomfortable and awkward about the arrangement, but were very tired, and agreed that it would be harmless. He took the upper bunk, she took the lower, and soon both were sound asleep.
 

About 1 am he woke the woman and told her he was freezing and asked if she would get him an extra blanket out of the linen closet.
 

She said she had a better idea....why didn't they just pretend they were married to each other for the night? He replied that that was an outstanding idea, so she said: GET YOU OWN STINKEN BLANKET !


Silently, he climbed down out of the upper, got the blanket, and as he was climbing back up in front of her bunk, cut a LOOONG satisfying fart.

G'nite dear....




`

[Roy]

Some Goooood  Looooooking Porn !




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[Roy]

Consider what you drink before you drive.



A recent joint study conducted by the Department of Health and the Department of Motor Vehicles indicates that 23% of traffic accidents are alcohol related.

This means that the remaining 77% are caused by buttheads who drink bottled water, starbucks, soda, juice, energy drinks, and crap like that.

Therefore, beware of those who do not drink alcohol. They cause three times as many accidents.

This message is sent to you by someone who is a drinker and worries about your safety.




`

[Don07tncav]

BBQ RULES

We are about to enter the BBQ season. Therefore it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking activity. When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion:

Routine...
(1) The woman buys the food.
(2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert.
(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill - beer in hand.
(4) The woman remains outside the compulsory three meter exclusion zone where the exuberance of testosterone and other manly bonding activities can take place without the interference of the woman.
Here comes the important part:
(5) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.
More routine...
(6) The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.
(7) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is looking great. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he flips the meat.
Important again:
( THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.

More routine...
(9) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces, and brings them to the table.
(10) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.
And most important of all:
(11) Everyone PRAISES  the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.
(12) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed ' her night off ', and, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women.

[Roy]

TEXAS BEER JOINT SUES LOCAL CHURCH OVER LIGHTNING STRIKE!

 
(This should keep you chuckling for a while)A bar called Drummond's (in Mt Vernon, Texas) began construction on an expansion of their building, hoping to "grow" their business.In response, the local Southern Baptist Church started a campaign to block the bar from expanding - petitions, prayers, etc.

About a week before the bar's grand re-opening, a bolt of lightning struck the bar and burned it to the ground!Afterward, the church folks were rather smug - bragging about "the power of prayer".

The angry bar owner eventually sued the church on grounds that the church ... "was ultimately responsible for the demise of his building, through direct actions or indirect means.

"Of course, the church vehemently denied all responsibility or any connection to the building's demise.The judge read carefully through the plaintiff's complaint and the defendant's reply. He then opened the hearing by saying: "I don't know how I'm going to decide this, but it appears from the paperwork that what we have here is a bar owner who now believes in the power of prayer,

and an entire church congregation that does not." !

[Roy]

NEW AIRLINE FEE!








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[Roy]

Cell Phone Courtesy...



-----After a very busy day, a commuter settled down in her seat and closed her eyes as the train departed Chicago for Detroit.



As the train rolled out of the station, the guy sitting next to her pulled out his cell phone and started talking in a loud voice: "Hi sweetheart it's Eric, I'm on the train - yes, I know it's the six thirty and not the four thirty but I had a long meeting - no, honey, not with that floozie from the accounts office, with the boss. No sweetheart, you're the only one in my life - yes, I'm sure, cross my heart" etc., etc.



Fifteen minutes later he was still talking loudly, when the young woman sitting next to him, who was obviously angered by his continuous diatribe, yelled at the top of her voice:



"Hey, Eric, turn that stupid phone off and come back to bed!"



My guess would be that Eric doesn't use his cell phone in public any longer.