H U M O R Thread . Nothing to get riled up about. Jokes, puns, and riddles.

[Roy]

Arab dog VS Israeli dog...


The Israelis and Arabs realized that, if they continued fighting, they would someday end up destroying the whole world. So they decided to settle their dispute with an ancient practice: a duel of two, like David and Goliath. This "duel" would be a dog fight. The negotiators agreed each side would take 5 years to develop the best fighting dog they could. The dog that won the fight would earn its people the right to rule the disputed areas. The losing side would have to lay down its arms for good.

`The Arabs found the biggest, meanest Dobermans and Rottweilers in the world.They bred them together and then crossed their offspring with the meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest, strongest puppy of each litter, fed it the best food and killed all the other puppies. They used steroids and trainers in their quest for the perfect killing machine. After the 5 years were up, they had a dog that needed steel prison bars on its cage. Only expert trainers could handle this incredibly nasty and ferocious beast.

`When the day of the big dog-fight finally arrived, the Israelis showed up with a very strange-looking animal, a Dachshund that was 10 feet long!
Everyone at the dogfight arena felt sorry for the Israelis. No one there seriously thought this weird, odd-looking animal stood any chance against the growling beast over in the Arab camp. All the bookies took one look and predicted that the Arab dog would win in less than a minute. As the cages were opened, the Dachshund slowly waddled toward the center of the ring. The Arab dog leaped from its cage and charged the giant wiener-dog. As he got to within an inch of the Israeli dog, the Dachshund opened its jaws and swallowed the Arab beast whole in one bite. There was nothing left but a small puff of fur from the Arab killer dog's tail floating to the ground`

`The stunned crowd of international observers, bookies and media personnel let out a collective gasp of disbelief and surprise. The Arabs approached the Israelis, muttering and shaking their heads in disbelief. "We do not understand," said their leader, "Our top scientists and breeders worked for 5 long years with the meanest, biggest Dobermans, Rottweilers and Siberian wolves, and they developed an incredible killing machine of a dog!" The Israelis replied. "Well, for 5 years, we have had a team of Jewish plastic surgeons from Boca Raton working to make an alligator look like a Dachshund."






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[Roy]

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[Roy]

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The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma complications
From repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.




Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned
 
out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the
 
California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch.
 
The grave site was piled high with flours.
 


Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who
 
never knew how much he was kneaded. Doughboy rose quickly in show business,
 
but his later life was filled with turnovers... He was considered a very
 
smart cookie, but wasted much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite
 
being a little flaky at times, he still was a crusty old man and was
 
considered a positive roll model for millions.
 


Doughboy is survived by his wife Play dough, three children: John Dough, Jane
 
Dough and Dosey Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by
 
his elderly father, Pop tart.
 


The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.






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[Roy]

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[bigguy]

Abe and Esther are flying to Australia for a two-weekvacation to celebrate their 40th anniversary.
Suddenly, over the public address system, the Captain announces,"Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news.Our engines have ceased functioning and we will attempt an emergency landing. Luckily, I see an uncharted island below us and we should be able to land on the beach. However, the odds are that we may never be rescued and will have to live on the island for the rest of our lives!"
Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands safely on the island.
An hour later Abe turns to his wife and asks, "Esther, did we pay our $5,000 Public Broadcast Station pledge check yet?"
"No, sweetheart," she responds.
Abe, still shaken from the crash landing, then asks, "Esther, did we pay our American Express card yet?"
"Oh, no! I'm sorry. I forgot to send the check," she says.
"One last thing Esther. Did you remember to send checks for the Visa and MasterCard this month?" he asks.
"Oh, forgive me, Abe," begged Esther. "I didn't send that one, either.
"Abe grabs her and gives her the biggest kiss in 40 years.
Esther pulls away and asks him, "What was that for?
"Abe answers, "They'll find us!"

[Roy]

                        

[Roy]

Two sides to every story...


Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife.
Tearfully she explained, "It's the druggist. He insulted me terribly
this morning on the phone. I had to call multiple times before he
would even answer the phone."

Immediately, the husband drove downtown to confront the druggist and
demand an apology.

Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him,
"Now, just a minute, listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm
failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast
and hurried out to the car, just to realize that I'd locked the house
with both House and car keys inside and had to break a window to get
my keys. "Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket.
Later, when I was about three blocks from the store, I had a flat
tire." "When I finally got to the store a bunch of people were waiting
for me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these
people, all the time The darn phone was ringing off the hook."

He continued, "Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash
register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I
had to get down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels and the
phone was still ringing. When I came up I cracked my head on the open
cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a
bunch of perfume bottles on it. Half of them hit the floor and broke."

"Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally
got back to answer it. It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use
a Rectal thermometer.

And believe me mister, as God is my witness, all I did was tell her."






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[bigguy]

[Roy]

The Lawyer the bookkeeper and the godfather...



A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has cheated him out of ten million bucks. His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would not hear anything that he might have to testify about in court.

When the Godfather goes to confront the bookkeeper about his missing $10 million, he brings along his attorney, who knows sign language.

The Godfather tells the lawyer, ‘Ask him where the 10 million bucks he embezzled from me is.' The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where the money is.

The bookkeeper signs back: 'I don't know what you are talking about.' The attorney tells the Godfather: 'He says he doesn't know what you're talking about.'

The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to the bookkeeper’s temple and says, 'Ask him again!' The attorney signs to the bookkeeper: 'He'll kill you if you don't tell him!'

The bookkeeper signs back: 'OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo’s backyard in Queens!'

The Godfather asks the attorney: 'Well, what'd he say?'

The attorney replies: 'He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger.'


Don't you just love lawyers?





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[Roy]

Confession...



An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:


Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitch-hiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.'


Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'


Man: 'What sins?'


Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'


Man: 'I'm Jewish.'


Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?'


Man: 'I'm 92 years old . . . . I'm telling everybody!'







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[Jess from VA]

 

[Roy]

Your 3new symbols are funnier than the joke!

 

[Roy]

OLYMPICS.....


Just before his 100 m. Race Usain Bolt accidently swallowed a Viagra

pill.   As a result he crossed the finish line on a new record of

6 seconds before going on to win the pole vault.

[rocketray]

did you hear I fell off a 50 foot ladder???    well yeah...but I was on the bottom rung so I am O.K.....

[Jess from VA]

Your 3new symbols are funnier than the joke!
 

I don't know..... the older I get, the funnier old-guy-jokes are... to me.

[Jess from VA]

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.
 
The doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.

"Breast-fed" she replied.
 
"Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered.

She did. He pinched her nipples, then pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a detailed examination.

Motioning to her to get dressed, he said, "No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk."

"I know," she said. "I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came."

[Roy]

Snails . . .



A wife and her husband were having a dinner party for all the major status figures in Rome, Italy. The wife was very excited about this and wanted everything to be perfect. At the very last minute, she realized that she didn't have any snails for this dinner party, so she asked her husband to run down to the beach with the bucket she was handing him to gather some snails. Very grudgingly he agreed.
He took the bucket, walked out the door, down the steps, and out to the beach. As he was collecting the snails, he noticed a beautiful woman strolling alongside the water just a little further down the beach. He kept thinking to himself 'Wouldn't it be great if she would even just come down and talk to me.' He went back to gathering the snails. All of a sudden he looked up, and the beautiful woman was standing right over him. They got to talking, and she invited him back to her place.

They were at her apartment a ways down the beach, and they started messing around. It got so hot and heavy, that he was exhausted afterwards and passed out there.

At seven o'clock the next morning he woke up and exclaimed, 'Oh no!!! My wife's dinner party!!!' He gathered all his clothes, put them on real fast, grabbed his bucket, and ran out the door. He ran down the beach all the way to his apartment. He ran up the stairs of his apartment. He was in such a hurry that when he got to the top of the stairs, he dropped the bucket of snails. There were snails all down the stairs.

 The door opened just then, with a very angry wife standing in the door way wondering where he's been all this time. He looked at the snails all down the steps, then he looked at her, then back at the snails and said: 'Come on guys, we're almost there!'





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[Roy]

Universal Dog...



Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, 'Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?'


Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature.'


Muldoon said, 'I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?'


Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?






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[Roy]

THE IRISHMAN . . .




A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.'


The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'


The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.'


The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box.'


The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave.


The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!'


The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!'






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[Roy]

Husbands are Husbands.....




A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the head with a frying pan.

'What was that for?' the man asked.

The wife replied 'That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket' ...

The man then said 'When I was at the races last week Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on.' The wife apologized and went on with the housework ...

Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious.

Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit him again.
Wife replied ... 'Your horse called ...'






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[Roy]

New Family Member . . .




Sitting at home one night with his wife, a man is casually tossing peanuts into the air and catching them in his mouth. As the couple take in the latest episode of their favorite program, the man loses concentration for a split second, and a peanut goes into his ear. He tries to get it out, but succeeds only in forcing the thing in awfully deep.
.

After a few hours of fruitless rooting the couple decide to go to the hospital, but on their way out of the front door they meet their daughter coming in with her boyfriend.

The boyfriend takes control of the situation; he tells them he's studying medicine and that they're not to worry about a thing. He then sticks two fingers up the man's nose and asks him to blow, and low and behold, the nut shoots from the ear and out across the room.

As the daughter and her boyfriend go through to the kitchen to get drinks, the man and his wife sit down to discuss their luck. "So" the wife says, "what do you think he'll become after he finishes school? A GP or a surgeon?"





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[Super Santa]

A kindergarten teacher gave her class a "show and tell" assignment. Each student was instructed to bring in an object to share with the class that represented their religion.

The first student got up in front of the class and said, "My name is Benjamin and I am Jewish and this is a Star of David."

The second student got up in front of the class and said, "My name is Mary. I'm a Catholic and this is a Rosary."

The third student got in up front of the class and said, "My name is Tommy. I am Baptist, and this is a casserole."

[Roy]

 

[GreenLantern57]

New Family Member . . .




Sitting at home one night with his wife, a man is casually tossing peanuts into the air and catching them in his mouth. As the couple take in the latest episode of their favorite program, the man loses concentration for a split second, and a peanut goes into his ear. He tries to get it out, but succeeds only in forcing the thing in awfully deep.
.

After a few hours of fruitless rooting the couple decide to go to the hospital, but on their way out of the front door they meet their daughter coming in with her boyfriend.

The boyfriend takes control of the situation; he tells them he's studying medicine and that they're not to worry about a thing. He then sticks two fingers up the man's nose and asks him to blow, and low and behold, the nut shoots from the ear and out across the room.

As the daughter and her boyfriend go through to the kitchen to get drinks, the man and his wife sit down to discuss their luck. "So" the wife says, "what do you think he'll become after he finishes school? A GP or a surgeon?"





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 The husband says, "A gynocologist if the smell on his fingers are any indication."

[Roy]

IN AN IDEAL WORLD...



This could be considered THE ideal world for many men:

His son on the cover of a box of Wheaties.

His mistress in the centerfold of Playboy.

A picture of his wife on the milk carton.







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[Roy]

The New De Walt Nail Gun . . . . .  .( Fiction ) . . . . . Only for Humor.





A must have in every home in America!

For everyone who would rather not have a gun in the house!

In view of the recent Supreme Court ruling, sales of this new product  may skyrocket.

Washington thinks they are going to take  away our guns, so check this out. I like it!

NAIL GUNS!  AND, you don't even have to REGISTER them or have LICENSES for  them!

AND, you don't have to worry about them being  CONCEALED!

Just a LOT of good stuff to do with THIS!

Once in awhile something so totally cool comes out that  even a guy who doesn't normally even know what he'd like for  Father's Day or Christmas would immediately ask for  it:

Thank you, DeWalt!!!



It can drive a 16-D nail through a 2x4 at 200 yards.

This  makes construction a breeze, you can sit in your lawn chair and  build a fence.

Hundred round magazine.

If someone tries to rob your house, nail his a$$ to the wall!   






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[GJS]

I was visiting my son and daughter-in-law last night when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper. "This is the 21st century" said my son. "We don't waste money on newspapers. Here, you can borrow my iPad."
 

I can tell you, that bloody fly never knew what hit him...

[Roy]

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[Roy]

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A man goes into his Proctolcologist's office...



His first exam.
 

The doctor told him to have a seat. In the examination room and that he would be with him in just a few minutes. When the man sat down and began observing the tools he noticed there were three items on a stand next to the exam table.

A tube of K-Y jelly; A rubber glove; and A beer.

When the doctor finally came in the man said, "Look Doc, I'm a little confused. This is my first exam. I know what the K-Y is for, and I know what the glove is for, but can you tell me what the BEER is for?"

At that the doctor became noticeably outraged and stormed over to the the door. The doc flung the door open and yelled to his nurse.......

Dam it Helen! I said a BUTT LIGHT








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[Roy]

A MINISTER A PRIEST AND A RABBI....



A minister, a priest and a rabbi went for a hike one day. It was very hot. They were sweating and exhausted when they came upon a small lake. Since it was fairly secluded, they took off all their clothes and jumped in the water.

Feeling refreshed, the trio decided to pick a few berries while enjoying their "freedom".
As they were crossing an open area, who should come along but a group of ladies from town.
Unable to get to their clothes in time, the minister and the priest covered their privates and the rabbi covered his face while they ran for cover.
 
After the ladies had left and the men got their clothes back on, the minister and the priest asked the rabbi why he covered his face rather than his privates.
"I don't know about you," the rabbi replied, "but in MY congregation, it's my face they would recognize."






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[Roy]

Sometimes Women are had to figure out !!



My wife was screaming at me: "Leave!! Get out of this house!" she ordered.
As I was walking out the door she yelled, "I hope you die a slow and painful death!"

So I turned around and replied, "So now you want me to stay?"








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[Roy]

 YOUR RIGHT TO BEAR ARMS...




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[Roy]

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[Roy]

Dinner at her boyfriends house...



Barbara was going to her boyfriend's parent’s house for dinner. This was her first time meeting the family and she was very nervous. They all sat down and begin eating a fine meal.
 
Before long, Barb began to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains were almost making her eyes water. Left with no other choice, she decided to relieve herself a bit and let out a dainty little fart.
 
It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the poot. Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, Jim, her boyfriend’s father, looked over at the dog that had been snoozing by Barb’s feet, and said in a rather stern voice, "Ginger! Move away from there!"
 
Barb thought, "This is great!" and a big smile came across her face. A couple of minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again. This time, she didn't even hesitate. She let a much louder and longer fart rip.
 
The father again looked at the dog and yelled, "Damn it Ginger! Move!" Once again the woman smiled and thought, "Yes!"
 
A few minutes later Barb had to let another one rip. This time she didn't even think about it. She let rip with a fart that rivaled a train whistle blowing. Again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled, "Damn it Ginger! Get away from there before that girl craps all over you!"
 






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[Roy]

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[Roy]

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~

[Roy]

Do you want Ice with that?




The Mother Superior calls all the nuns together. She then says to them, " I must tell you something very serious. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent."

A nun in the back responds, "Thank God! I'm so tired of Zinfandel."




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[Roy]

KITCHEN WORK...



Several years ago, Mike was sentenced to prison. During his stay, he got along well with the guards and all his fellow inmates. The warden saw that deep down, Mike was a good person and made arrangements for Mike to learn a trade while doing his time. After three years, Mike was recognized as one of the best carpenters in the local area. Often he would be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs for the citizens of the community, and he always reported back to prison before Sunday night was over.

The warden was thinking of remodeling his kitchen and in fact had done much of the work himself. But he lacked the skills to build a set of kitchen cupboards and a large countertop which he had promised his wife. So he called Mike into his office and asked him to complete the job for him.

But, alas, Mike refused. He told the warden, "Gosh, I'd really like to help you but counter fitting is what got me into prison in the first place".



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[Roy]

The Dilemma. . .



A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife..
 



She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.. Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk..
 


She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.
 


He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching..
 


For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.
 


Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.
 


One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return..
 


Two o'clock and no hired hand.
 


Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.
 


She quietly called him over to her.
 


"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.
 


Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots."
 


He did as she asked, ever so slowly.. "Now take off my stockings."
 


He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots. "Now take off my skirt."
 


He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.
 


"Now take off my bra..." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.
 






Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."





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[Roy]

No Underwear . . . . . Makes sense to me.



A man came to visit his grandparents, and he noticed his grandfather sitting on the porch in the rocking chair wearing only a shirt, with nothing on from the waist down.
 
'Grandpa, what are you doing? Your weenie is out in the wind for everyone to see!' he exclaimed.
 
The old man looked off in the distance without answering.
 
'Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?' he asked again.
 
The old man slowly looked at him and said, 'Well....last week I sat out here with no shirt on and I got a stiff neck.
 
This is your grandma's idea.'







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