H U M O R Thread . Nothing to get riled up about. Jokes, puns, and riddles.

[msgnewman]

Hot Chili

A Texas Chili Contest - If you can read this whole story without laughing then there's no hope for you.  I was crying by the end.  This is a scream!

Note: Please take time to read this slowly.  If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better.

For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is.  They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around.  It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio City park.  The notes are from an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield, IL.

Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a Chili cook-off.  The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in.  I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted."  Here are the scorecards from the advent:

(Frank is Judge #3)

Chili # 1 Eddie's Maniac Monster Chili....

Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato.  Amusing kick.

Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor.  Very mild.

Judge # 3 -- (Frank) Holy sh**, what the hell is this stuff?  You could remove dried paint from your driveway.  Took me two beers to put the flames out.  I hope that's the worst one.  These Texans are crazy.

Chili # 2 Austin's Afterburner Chili...

Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.

Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously

Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children.  I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain.  I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver.  They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

Chili # 3 Ronny's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili...

Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.

Judge # 2 -- A bean less chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.

Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill.  My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano.  Everyone knows the routine by now.  Get me more beer before I ignite.  Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest.  I'm getting sh**-faced from all of the beer.

Chili # 4 Dave's Black Magic...

Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice.  Disappointing.

Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans.  Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.

Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it.  Is it possible to burn out taste buds?  Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills.  That 300-lb woman is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear waste I'm eating!  Is chili an aphrodisiac?

Chili # 5 Lisa's Legal Lip Remover...

Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili.  Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick.  Very impressive.

Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato.  Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes.  I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics.  The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage.  Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher.  I wonder if I'm burning my lips off.  It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.  Screw those rednecks.

Chili # 6 Pam's Very Vegetarian Variety...

Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili.  Good balance of spices and peppers.

Judge # 2 -- The best yet.  Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic.  Superb.

Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames.  I sh** on myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair.  No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally.  Can't feel my lips anymore.  I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone. 

Chili # 7 Carla's Screaming Sensation Chili...

Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment.  I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3.  He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.

Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing.  I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water.  My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth.  My pants are full of lava to match my shirt.  At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me.  I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful.  Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway.  If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

Chili # 8 Karen's Toenail Curling Chili...

Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili.  Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili.  Neither mild nor hot.  Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself.  Not sure if he's going to make it.  Poor feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?

[NCGhostrider]

That one always makes me laugh.   Haven't seen it in a while...

[Roy]

Twins turn 100 years young..



Twin sisters in St. Luke's Nursing Home were turning one hundred years old.

The editor of the local newspaper told a photographer to get over there and take pictures of the two 100 year old twins.

One of the twins was hard of hearing and the other could hear quite well.

Once the photographer arrived he asked the sisters to sit on the sofa.

The deaf sister said to her twin, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"

"WE GOTTA SIT OVER THERE ON THE SOFA!", said the other.

"Now get a little closer together," said the cameraman.

Again, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"

"HE SAYS SQUEEZE TOGETHER A LITTLE." So they wiggled up close to each other.

"Just hold on for a bit longer, I've got to focus a little," said the photographer.

Yet again, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"

"HE SAYS HE'S GONNA FOCUS!"

With a big grin the deaf twin shouted out, "OH MY GOD - BOTH OF US?!"










---

[Roy]

Biology Class...


Mr. Baldwin, the biology teacher called on Mary, "Can you tell me the part of the body that, under the right conditions, expands to six times it's normal size, and state the conditions."
 

Mary gasped and said in a huff, "Why, Mr. Baldwin! That is an inappropriate question and my parents are going to hear of it when I get home!" She sat down, red-faced.
 

"Susan, can you tell me the answer?" asked Mr. Baldwin.



"The pupil of the eye, under dark conditions," said Susan.
 

"Correct. Now Mary, I have three things to say to you. First, you have not studied your lesson. Second, you have a dirty mind. And third, boy are you going to be disappointed someday!"










---

[Don07tncav]

Lawn Service
Bubba and Johnny Ray were sittin' on the front porch drinking beer when a large truck hauling rolls and rolls of sod went by.

"I'm gonna do dat when I win the lottery," said Bubba.

"Do what?" asked Johnny Ray.

"Send my grass out to be mowed."

[Roy]

BELL RINGER...



 After Quasimodo's death, the bishop of the Cathedral of Notre Dame sent word
 through the streets of Paris that a new bell ringer was needed.
 
The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went
> up into the belfry to begin the screening process.
>
> After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he had decided
> to call it a day.
>
> Just then, an armless man approached him and announced that he was there to
> apply for the bell ringer's job. The bishop was incredulous.
>
> 'You have no arms !'
>
> 'No matter,' said the man. 'Observe !'
>
> And he began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody
> on the carillon.
>
> The bishop listened in astonishment; convinced he had finally found a
> replacement for Quasimodo.
>
> But suddenly, as he rushed forward to strike the bell, the armless man
> tripped and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the
> street below.
>
> The stunned bishop rushed down two hundred and ninety five church steps,
> when he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure,
> drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moment before.
>
> As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked,
>
> 'Bishop, who was this man ?'.
>
> 'I don't know his name,' the bishop sadly replied,
>
> ( scroll down )
>
> 
>
> 
>
> 
>
> 
>
> 
>
> 
>
>
>
> ' ............... BUT HIS FACE RINGS A BELL'
>
>
> WAIT ! WAIT ! There's more     (They shoulda quit while ahead!)
>
> The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart due
> to the unfortunate death of the armless campanologist, the bishop continued
> his interviews for the bell ringer of Notre Dame.
>
> The first man to approach him said, 'Your Excellency, I am the brother of
> the poor armless wretch that fell to his death from this very belfry
> yesterday.
>
> I pray that you honour his life by allowing me to replace him in this duty.'
>
>
> The bishop agreed to give the man an audition, and, as the armless man's
> brother stooped to pick up a mallet to strike the first bell, he groaned,
> clutched at his chest, twirled around, and died on the spot.
>
> Two monks, hearing the bishop's cries of grief at this second tragedy,
> rushed up the stairs to his side.
>
> 'What has happened ? Who is this man ?' the first monk asked breathlessly.
>
> 'I don't know his name,' sighed the distraught bishop, 'but...'
>
> (. . . Wait for it ...)
>
> (.. . . It's worth it.. ..)
>
> 
>
>        OH THIS REALLY HURTS
>
> 
>
> 
>
>
>
>


 'HE'S A DEAD RINGER FOR HIS BROTHER.'










---

[tank_post142]

News release: The President of the United States of America has confirmed the source of yesterday's earthquake: the quake originated along a particularly active section of  BUSH'S FAULT. 

[Roy]

New Fault line named and Quake cause determined. . .


"President Obama has just confirmed that the DC earthquake occurred on a rare and obscure fault-

line, apparently known as "Bush's Fault". Obama also announced that the Secret Service continues

an investigation of the quake's suspicious ties to the Tea Party. Conservatives however have proven

that it was caused by the founding fathers rolling over in their graves."











---

[Jess from VA]

Good one.   

[Roy]

Rum & Coke...




A Baptist minister was seated next to a Newfie on a flight to St. John's .



After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken.



The Newfie asked for Rum & Coke, which was brought and placed before him.



The flight attendant then asked the minister if he would like a drink.



He replied in disgust.....



"I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen ladies of the night than let liquor touch my lips."



The Newfie then handed his drink back to the attendant and said,



"Me too, I didn't know we had a choice."











---

[Roy]

How old folks call the Police...




(This isn't a true story, but it ought to be.)

George Phillips, an elderly man, from Walled Lake, Michigan, was going up to bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.

He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?"

He said, "No, but some people are breaking into my garden shed and stealing from me."

The police dispatcher said "All patrol cars are busy. You should lock your doors, and an officer will be along when one is available"

George said, "Okay."

He hung up the phone and counted to 30. He phoned the police again.

"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot and killed them both. The dogs are eating them right now."

Within five minutes, six police cars, a SWAT Team, a helicopter with a searchlight, two fire trucks, a paramedic and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence They caught the burglars red-handed.
 

One of the policemen said to George, "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"



George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"












---

[Roy]

This could have been me...


I took my dad to the mall to buy some new shoes (he is 66).
We decided to grab a bite at the food court.

I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him.
The teenager had spiked hair in all different colours -
green, red, orange, and blue.

My dad kept staring at her.

The teenager kept looking and would find my dad staring every time.

When the teenager had had enough, she sarcastically asked:
"What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?"

Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not
choke on his response; I knew he would have a good one!

In classic style he responded without batting an eyelid ...
 

"Got stoned once and had sex with a parrot.
I was just wondering if you might be my kid."











--

[Roy]

DC Quake . . . (updated version)


The President has just confirmed that the DC earthquake occurred on a rare and obscure fault-line, apparently known as "Bush's Fault."

Obama also announced that the Secret Service and Maxine Waters continue an investigation of the quake's suspicious ties to the Tea Party.

Conservatives, however, have proven that it was caused by our Founding Fathers rolling over in their graves.


Residents of DC: Do not be alarmed by the earthquakes. That is just the Country shifting to the Right.







---

[Roy]

Wooden Leg...




A man and his wife moved back to Canada from the USA.

The wife had a wooden leg and to insure it in the USA was $2000.00 a year!

When they arrived in Canada, they went to an Insurance agency to see how much it would cost to insure the wooden leg.

The agent looked it up on the computer and said to the couple, '$39.00.'

The husband was shocked and asked why it was so cheap here in Canada to insure, because it cost him $2000.00 in the USA!


The agent turned his computer screen to the couple and said,

"Well, here it is on the screen it says: *Any wooden structure with a sprinkler system over it is $39.00.*"












---

[Roy]

Animal Group Names...


The English language has some wonderfully anthropomorphic
collective nouns for the various groups of animals.
 
We are all familiar with a Herd of cows, a Flock
of chickens, a School of fish and a Gaggle of geese.
 
However, less widely known is a Pride of lions,
a Murder of crows (as well as their cousins the
rooks and ravens), an Exaltation of doves and,
presumably because they look so wise, a Parliament
of owls.
 
Now consider a group of Baboons. They are the
loudest, most dangerous, most obnoxious, most
viciously aggressive and least intelligent of all
primates.  And what is the proper collective noun
for a group of baboons?
 
Believe it or not ....... a Congress!
 
I guess that pretty much explains the things that
come out of Washington.











---

[bigguy]

Advice found on facebook


HOW TO TREAT A WOMAN:
Wine her. Dine her. Call her. Hold her. Surprise her. Compliment her. Smile at her. Listen to her. Laugh with her. Cry with her. Romance her. Encourage her. Believe in her. Cuddle with her. Shop with her. Buy her flowers. Hold her hand. Write love letters to her. Go to the ends of the earth and back again for her.

HOW TO TREAT A MAN:
Show up naked. Bring chicken wings & beer. Don't block the TV

[Roy]

     

[Roy]

It's the 2012 Olympics...


A Scotsman, an Englishman and an Irishman want to get in, but they haven't got tickets.

The Scotsman picks up a manhole cover, tucks it under his arm and walks to the gate.

"McTavish, Scotland " he says, "Discus" and in he walks.


The Englishman picks up a length of scaffolding and slings it over his shoulder.

"Waddington-Smythe, England " he says, "Pole vault" and in he walks.


The Irishman looks around and picks up a roll of barbed wire and tucks it under his arm. "O'Malley, Ireland , - Fencing."










---

[Roy]

Elderly Couple in Church...



An older couple are sitting in church. The wife leans over to her husband and said " Oh honey I'm so embarrassed I just let out a silent gas what should I do?"



Her husband said back " YOU SHOULD CHANGE THE BATTERY IN YOUR HEARING AID!"










---

[Roy]

Change of National Symbol...



The government today announced that it is changing its emblem from an eagle to a condom because it more accurately reflects the government's political stance.

A condom stands up to inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sense of security while someone is actually being screwed.








---

[Roy]

Hot Stuff...



Dave and Jim, a couple of drinking buddies, worked as aircraft mechanics in New York.

One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do.

Dave said, 'Man, I wish we had something to drink!'  
Jim says, 'Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz.
You wanna try it?'

  
So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane booze and get completely smashed.
 
The next morning Dave wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels.
In fact he feels GREAT!  NO hangover! NO bad side effects. Nothing!

Then the phone rings. It's his drinking buddy Jim.  Jim says, 'Hey, how do you feel this morning?'

Dave says, 'I feel great, how about you?' Jim says, 'I feel great, too. You don't have a hangover?'
 
Dave says, 'No, that jet fuel is great stuff -- no hangover, nothing.  We ought to do this more often.'

' Yeah, well there's just one thing.'
  
'What's that?'

'Have you farted yet?'

'No.'

'Well, DON'T - because


e I'm in San Francisco'

[Roy]

Bob forgot his wedding anniversary and his wife was justifiably mad. She told him: "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds! AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!!


The next morning when his wife woke up, she looked out the window to find a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale. . .
Bob has been missing since Friday!

[Roy]

Lawyer Sues...



An attorney who slipped on a banana skin outside the courthouse has filed charges of negligence.

The headline in the paper reads .  .  .     .      "Lawyer sues for being overturned on a Peel"











---

[Roy]

The Day the Mr. P. Niss asked for a Raise...



I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:
I do physical labor.
I work at great depths.
I plunge headfirst into everything I do.
I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
I work in a damp environment.
I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
I work in high temperatures.
 My work exposes me to contagious diseases.
 
Sincerely,
 
P. Niss
.  .  .  .  .  .  .  .


 
The Response...

Dear P. Niss:
 After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:
 
You do not work 8 hours straight.

 You fall asleep after brief work periods.

 You do not always follow the orders of the management team. You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations.
 
You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.

 You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.

 You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the
Correct protective clothing.

 You will retire well before you are 65.

 You are unable to work double shifts.

 You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed the assigned task...
And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.
 
Sincerely,
 
V.. Gina

[Roy]

Beer Prayer in a Poem...



Our Lager,

Which art in barrels,
 
Hallowed be thy drink.

Thy will be drunk,

At home as in the tavern.

Give us this day our foamy head,

And forgive us our spillages,

As we forgive those,

Who spillage against us.

And lead us not to gastration,

But deliver us from hangovers.
 
For thine is the beer,
 
The bitter and the lager.
 
Forever and ever.

Amen!











---

[Roy]

 toilet paper and lady joke...   (2)



A woman was unhappy at the way her laundry was being done at the local Chinese laundry.
 
At the next collection of her dirty laundry she included a note, "USE MORE SOAP ON PANTIES".

She got the laundry back, and she was still dissatisfied with the results, so the following week she enclosed another note,
"USE MORE SOAP ON PANTIES" !
 
The Chinese laundryman became annoyed and when her clean laundry was delivered it contained a note from him,
 
"I USE PLENTY OF SOAP ON PANTIES......USE MORE PAPER ON your Rear end" !









---

[Roy]

Flat as a pancake...



A flat-chested young lady went to Dr. Smith about enlarging her tiny breasts. Dr. Smith advised her, "Every day after your shower rub your chest and say, "Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies."



She did this faithfully for several months and it worked! She grew terrific D-cup boobs! One morning she was running late, got on the bus and in a panic realised she had forgotten her morning ritual.




Frightened she might lose her lovely boobs if she didn't recite the little rhyme, she stood right there in the middle aisle of the bus closed her eyes and said, "Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies."




A guy sitting nearby looked at her, "By any chance, are you a patient of Dr. Smith's?" "Why, yes I am... How did you know?" He leaned closer, winked and whispered,

*


*


*



 "Hickory dickory dock..."











---

[¿spoom]

An  Alabama  preacher said to his congregation, “Someone in this
Congregation has  spread a rumour that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan”.
 
“This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate.
I am embarrassed and do  not  intend  to accept this.  Now, I want the party
who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian Family”.
 
No one moved.

The preacher continued, “Do you have the nerve to face me  and  admit
this is a falsehood?  Remember, you will be forgiven and in your  heart   
you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression”.
 
Again all  was  quiet.

Then slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop
traffic  rose from the third pew.  Her head was bowed and her voice
quivered as  she  spoke,  “Reverend there has been a terrible
misunderstanding”.   
 
“I never  said  you  were a member of the Ku Klux Klan.  I simply told a
couple of my friends  that  you were  a wizard under the sheets.”
 
The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the Congregation roared.

[Roy]

    

[Roy]

Mad Cow disease cause...


A TV INTERVIEW WHICH WAS NEVER AIRED
In a rural program for farmers, a female TV reporter seeking the main cause of Mad Cow disease, arranged for an interview with a farmer who may have some theories on the matter....

The interview was as follows: ......

The lady reporter: "I am here to collect information on the possible sources of Mad Cow Disease.. Can you offer any reason for this disease ? "

The farmer stared at the reporter and said: ..............   
"Do you know that a bull mounts a cow only once a year ? "

Reporter (obviously embarrassed): "Well, sir, that's a new piece of information…but what's the relation between this phenomenon and Mad Cow disease?"

Farmer: "And, madam, do you know that we milk a cow twice a day ? "

Reporter: "Sir, this is really valuable information, but what about getting to the point ? "

Farmer: "I am getting to the point, madam. Just imagine, if I was playing with your tits twice a day.... and only screwing you once a year, wouldn't you get mad ? "

The program was never aired….












---

[pitbull]

I was walking in the local park the other day and came across a Harley parked next to a tree,the keys were hanging on a 6 inch nail that was knocked in the tree.
I thought,,"I'm having that",,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,"you never know when ya gonna need a 6 inch nail"

[bigguy]

Secret footage take at last Inzane

CENTRUM Silver - feel young again	powered by Aeva

[Roy]

Can of Paint...


A newlywed couple wanted to join a church.  The pastor told them, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from sex for an entire month."

The couple agreed and, after two-and-a-half weeks, returned to the church. When the Pastor ushered them into his office, the wife was crying, and the husband obviously was very depressed.
 
"You are back so soon...Is there a problem?" the pastor inquired. 
 
"We are terribly ashamed to admit that we did not manage to abstain from sex for the required month," the young man replied sadly.

The pastor asked him what happened.

"Well, the first week was difficult; however, we managed to abstain through sheer willpower. The second week was terrible, but with the use of prayer, we managed to abstain. The third week, however, was unbearable. We tried cold showers, prayer, reading from the Bible, or anything to keep our minds free of carnal thoughts.

But one afternoon, my wife reached for a can of paint and dropped it.  When she bent over to pick it up, I noticed that she didn't have panties on and I was overcome with lust and I had my way with her, right then and there," admitted the man shamefacedly.

"You understand this means you will not be welcome into our church," stated the pastor.

"We know," said the young man, hanging his head.

"We're not welcome at HOME DEPOT anymore, either."
 











---

[Jess from VA]

I hate when that happens.

[Roy]

    

[Roy]

Redneck Medical Terms... (New and Improved) and a few you probably heard before.



ARTERY: The study of paintings

BACTERIA: Backdoor to cafeteria.
 
BARIUM: What to do when the treatment fails.

CEASAREAN SECTION: District in Rome.


CAT SCAN: Searching for kitty

CAUTERIZE: Made eye contact with her.

COMA: Punctuation mark.

CONGENITAL: Friendly.

D&C: Where Washington is.

DILATE: To live a long time.

ENEMA: Not a friend.

FESTER: Quicker

GENITAL: Non-Jewish

HANG NAIL: Coat Hook

IMPOTENT: Distinguished, well known
.
LABOR PAIN: Hurt at work

MORBID: Higher offer.

NITERATE: Cheaper than day
.
NODE: Was aware of.

OUTPATIENT: Person fainted.

POST OP: Letter carrier.

RECOVERY ROOM: Place to upholster.

RECTUM: Dang near killed him.

SECRETION: Hiding something

TABLET: Small table.

TERMINAL ILLNESS: Sick at the airport.

TIBIA: A country in North Africa.

TUMOR: More than one.

URINE: Opposite of “you're out”.

VARICOSE: Nearby.

VIEN: Conceited.






---

[Roy]

Truck Driver...


I was sitting at a stoplight the other day, minding my own business, just waiting for the light to turn green.....

A carload of young houligans pulled up along side of me, shouting hateful anti-Amercan slogans and just generally being pains in the posterior.  I actually thought about turning right just to get away from them.....

The light changed, the houligans flipped me off, hit the gas and darted into the intersection....Suddenly and 18 wheeler came speeding through the intersection crashing into the carload if dipsticks and crushing it completely!

For several minutes I sat on my bike thinking to myself, "OMG, that could have been me!"

 

 

 

 

*

 

 

 

 

*

 

 

So, today....bright and early, I went out and got me a job as a truck driver...

[Roy]

House of ill repute...


 
The madam opened the brothel door and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.
 
'May I help you sir?' she asked.
 
'I want to see Valerie,' the man replied.
 
'Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else', said the madam.
 
'No, I must see Valerie,' he replied.
 
Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged $5000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand dollars and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left.
 
The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie. Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row as she was too expensive. But there were no discounts. The price was still $5000.
 
Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left.
 
The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.
 
After their session, Valerie questioned the man, 'No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?' she asked..
 
The man replied, ' Minneapolis '.
 
'Really?', she said. 'I have family in Minneapolis .'
 
'I know.' the man said. 'Your sister died, and I'm her attorney. She asked me to give you your $15,000 inheritance.'
 
The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain.
 
1. Death
 
2. Taxes
 
3. Being screwed by a lawyer













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[Roy]

A few little known facts,  some humorous...


1. If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would
have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
(Hardly seems worth it.)

2. If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough
gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
(Now that's more like it!)

3. The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps
out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.
(O.M.G.!)

4. A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
(O.M.G.!!!)

5. A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it
starves to death.(Creepy)
(I'm still not over the pig.)

6. Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
(Don't try this at home; maybe at work.)

7. The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is
attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the
male's head off.
(Honey, I'm home......What the...?)

8. The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a
human jumping the length of a football field.
(30 minutes. Lucky pig! Can you imagine?)

9. The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)

10. Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(I still can't believe that pig ...quality over quantity.)

11. Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Something I always wanted to do.)

12. The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
(Hmmmmmm.......)

13. Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer
than left-handed people.
(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)

14. Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.
(Okay, so that would be a good thing.)

15. A cat's urine glows under a black light.
(I wonder how much the government paid to figure that out.)

16. An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)

17. Starfish have no brains.
(I know some people like that, too.)

18. Polar Bears are left-handed.
(If they switch, they'd live a lot longer.)

19. Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex
for pleasure.
(What about that pig? Do the dolphins know about the pig?)












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[Roy]

Playing Poker...



Two couples were playing poker one evening. Jim accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed Les's wife, Sue, wasn't wearing any underwear under her dress! Shocked by this, Jim upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.
 
Later, Jim went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Les's wife followed and asked, 'Did you see anything you liked under there? Surprised by her boldness, Jim admitted that, well indeed he did. She said, 'Well, you can have it but it will cost you $500. After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of this offer, Jim confirmed that he is interested. Sue told him that since her husband Les played golf Friday afternoons and Jim didn't, Jim should be at her house around 2PM Friday afternoon.
 
When Friday rolled around, Jim showed up at Les's house at 2PM sharp and after paying Sue the agreed sum of $500 - they went to the bedroom, and closed their transaction, as agreed. Jim quickly dressed and left. As usual, Les came home from golf at 6pm. And upon arriving, asked his wife: 'Did Jim come by the house this afternoon?' With a lump in her throat Sue answered ‘Why yes, he did stop by for a few minutes this afternoon.' Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband
 curtly asked, 'And did he give you $500?' Sue, using her best poker face, replied ‘Well, yes, in fact he did give me $500’.
 
Les, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying, 'He came by the golf club this morning and borrowed $500 from me. He promised he'd stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back.' Now THAT, my friends, is a poker player ....










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