Thinking it's time for a joke thread.

[Jess from VA]

 

[Serk]

Blake - Dad, I was awarded the Leslie Nielsen award at school!

Me - What's that?

Blake - A big building with lots of kids, but that's not important right now.

[John Schmidt]

I heard in the news that someone had robbed the Tokyo Origami Museum.
The report stated that the story was still unfolding.

[f6gal]

Blake - Dad, I was awarded the Leslie Nielsen award at school!

Me - What's that?

Blake - A big building with lots of kids, but that's not important right now.

[Serk]

Oops...

[John Schmidt]

See...us Johnnys aren't so dumb after all. 

My dad was school superintendent from 1940 to 1950 in two different districts in Iowa. Little Johnny here was fairly smart...but trouble seemed to be my best asset. Dad's office was quite close by and more than once I spent some time there...following some "applied" psychology, also received that evening when he got home. I only wish I had known about double-jeopardy back then. 

[Serk]

We always look for cars with Obama 2012 stickers. We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired. It’s so important at our age!!

Probably time to update the punchline.... Just sayin'....

[DIGGER]

Joe Biden….

Leslie Nielsons portrayal of a US President was supposed to be comedy….not a blueprint.

[Jess from VA]

A man is driving a truckload of manure by a mental institution when he gets a flat.  While fixing it, an inmate asks him what he will do the the big load of manure.  The man explains it is to put on his strawberries.  The inmate considers this for a minute then replies.... you should be in here, we get cream and sugar on our strawberries. 

[DIGGER]

4 yr old boy in church kept crying and figeting and his mother kept scolding him trying to get him to calm down to no avail.   Finally his dad reached over and picked him up and sat him in his lap and whispered something in his ear and the little boy sat there and didnt move a muscle for the rest of the service.

After church the boys mom asked the dad “what did you say to him that made him act right?”  The dad said “ I sat him in my lap and whispered in his ear “ you see that guy nailed to the cross up there on that wall?….he was the last guy to act up in church.”

[DIGGER]

No matter how big and bad you are….
When a two yr old hands you a toy phone…
You answer it.

[Feuerstein]

what do you call a dog that barks with a low (deep) voice?

 A SUBWOOFER...

[John Schmidt]

what do you call a dog that barks with a low (deep) voice?

 A SUBWOOFER...

What does a hairlip dog sound like when he barks:  "moof, moof."  Or "marf, marf."

[Tazman11]

HOT COFFEE ...& biden

I was eating breakfast with my 10-year-old grandson and I asked him, "what day is tomorrow?"

Without skipping a beat he said, "it's President's Day!"

He's smart, so I asked, "and what does President's Day mean?"

I was waiting for something about Washington or Lincoln or some great action a past president had taken, BUT...

...he replied, "President's Day is when President Biden steps out of the White House and if he sees his shadow we have
3 more years of bull crap."

You know, it really does hurt when hot coffee spurts out your nose!

[John Schmidt]

HOT COFFEE ...& biden

I was eating breakfast with my 10-year-old grandson and I asked him, "what day is tomorrow?"

Without skipping a beat he said, "it's President's Day!"

He's smart, so I asked, "and what does President's Day mean?"

I was waiting for something about Washington or Lincoln or some great action a past president had taken, BUT...

...he replied, "President's Day is when President Biden steps out of the White House and if he sees his shadow we have
3 more years of bull crap."

You know, it really does hurt when hot coffee spurts out your nose!

Out of the mouths of babes.... 

[f6gal]

[John Schmidt]

A young pastor, as he often did, called upon one of the members in the congregation to give a closing prayer. He did this so as to give him a chance to exit the platform and get to the back of the church which enabled him to greet the parishioners as they departed. This particular Sunday morning he called upon dear old Mr. Brown...who followed with a moving prayer and closed it with "and thank you Lord for two teeth, Amen."

Upon leaving, the pastor shook his hand and thanked him for the benediction, then asked why he thanked the Lord for just two teeth. Mr. Brown gave him a big toothless grin and said "ah pastor, these two meet."

[John Schmidt]

I posted this some time back but feel it's worthy of a repeat on this thread.

Seems Louie showed up for work Monday morning with two black eyes. His boss got a bit concerned and asked if he had ended up in a bar fight Saturday night to which Louie said no...adding it happened in church. His boss was surprised such a thing would happen in church so pressed for an answer. So Louie said "you know Mrs. Jones, right?"  Boss..."yes, a rather large woman if I recall." Louie..."very true, and yesterday in church I ended up sitting right behind her. All was going quite well until we stood to sing, that's when it happened." He continued..."you know me, quiet and unassuming by nature, but when we stood I noticed Mrs. Jones' dress was caught up in her butt crack. I figured she would be embarrassed by that so I took it upon myself to reach forward and pull it out." Boss..."then what happened?" Louie..."she turned around and slugged me, so I figured she wanted it that way so I put it back."

[John Schmidt]

Well...lasted about 15 seconds. She'd probably be a lot more funny if she would expand her vocabulary. 

[Bret SD]

I can’t tell jokes. But, I think this lady is funnier than Hell. The language and subject is not for the faint of heart though. Don’t click if easily offended.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2m_PAPud2Ks

Nah 

[John Schmidt]

Well...I once fixed the neighbor lady's oven. She was so grateful, she gave me a large plate of chocolate chip cookies...my favorite. Mary was 94 at the time. Probably best! 

[RNFWP]

Well...I once fixed the neighbor lady's oven. She was so grateful, she gave me a large plate of chocolate chip cookies...my favorite. Mary was 94 at the time. Probably best! 

My wife jokingly calls the widow next door my "girlfriend" because if I'm out in the yard she will ask me to fix things or other tasks that she doesn't have the skills / abilities to tackle. She "pays" me with sweets (brownies, cake, my favorite is also chocolate chip cookies, yum)

[Jess from VA]

Well...I once fixed the neighbor lady's oven. She was so grateful, she gave me a large plate of chocolate chip cookies...my favorite. Mary was 94 at the time. Probably best!  

My wife jokingly calls the widow next door my "girlfriend" because if I'm out in the yard she will ask me to fix things or other tasks that she doesn't have the skills / abilities to tackle. She "pays" me with sweets (brownies, cake, my favorite is also chocolate chip cookies, yum)

My mom called my dad's engineering job of 40 years his mistress; he loved his work and was a company man all 40 years.  He started out in a field trailer running a surveying transit, and rose through the ranks to run all plant construction in the largest steel mill in MI, and dealt will all the trades and unions and multi-million dollar budgets.

When they retired to a condo in FL, he rapidly became very unhappy with it's poor management and the fact they were routinely taken to the cleaners by and shoddy workmanship of most contracted maintenance.  So he ran for condo manager and won, and turned things around quickly, and turned the books from red to black in the process.  He also took on the city engineers in a couple disputes and won those too.  (Punta Gorda Isles)

Additionally, there was a collection of single widows and divorcees who discovered he could fix most simple things (or make a call for them if he couldn't) and several of them seemed to like his company because he was always a gentleman who was polite and kind and would talk to them, and they started having small problems with their units quite often.

Mom understood dad's work ethic, but was a bit unhappy that he had managed to find another mistress in his retirement.  (not an actual mistress, but nearly a full time job)

He's been gone since 2012, and I dreamed about him just the other night.    

[RNFWP]

Well...I once fixed the neighbor lady's oven. She was so grateful, she gave me a large plate of chocolate chip cookies...my favorite. Mary was 94 at the time. Probably best!  

My wife jokingly calls the widow next door my "girlfriend" because if I'm out in the yard she will ask me to fix things or other tasks that she doesn't have the skills / abilities to tackle. She "pays" me with sweets (brownies, cake, my favorite is also chocolate chip cookies, yum)

My mom called my dad's engineering job of 40 years his mistress; he loved his work and was a company man all 40 years.  He started out in a field trailer running a surveying transit, and rose through the ranks to run all plant construction in the largest steel mill in MI, and dealt will all the trades and unions and multi-million dollar budgets.

When they retired to a condo in FL, he rapidly became very unhappy with it's poor management and the fact they were routinely taken to the cleaners by and shoddy workmanship of most contracted maintenance.  So he ran for condo manager and won, and turned things around quickly, and turned the books from red to black in the process.  He also took on the city engineers in a couple disputes and won those too.  (Punta Gorda Isles)

Additionally, there was a collection of single widows and divorcees who discovered he could fix most simple things (or make a call for them if he couldn't) and several of them seemed to like his company because he was always a gentleman who was polite and kind and would talk to them, and they started having small problems with their units quite often.

Mom understood dad's work ethic, but was a bit unhappy that he had managed to find another mistress in his retirement.  (not an actual mistress, but nearly a full time job)

He's been gone since 2012, and I dreamed about him just the other night.    

Nice touching and inspirational story about your dad.  Thanks for sharing it.

...I think we've hijacked the joke thread...

[Jess from VA]

There's not a big difference between jokes and humorous (true) stories.

No harm no foul.   

[Jess from VA]

If sex does not impair your rigorous athletic activities, you're not doing it right.   

It's my experience that men don't "gotta run" afterwards, they gotta sleep (often like the dead too).   

[Willow]

If sex does not impair your rigorous athletic activities, you're not doing it right.   

It's my experience that men don't "gotta run" afterwards, they gotta sleep (often like the dead too).   

Joke thread, Jess.  Joke thread.

[Jess from VA]

OK Boss.  Sorry if that wasn't humorous.   

[da prez]

 So the 85 year old marries a 25 year old.  In the marital suite , he gets undressed and sits on the side of the bed.  He pulls off a wad of cotton. He pinches off a piece and puts it in his ear. He repeats , and does so with each nostril.  He then puts on a condom.
She stands by looking at hem. What's with the cotton , she asks . Not hearing , she pulls the cotton out of one ear and repeats.
 His reply "two things I can't stand , the smell of burning rubber and the sound of a screaming woman".

                                                   da prez   

[RP#62]

A couple were having dinner at an upscale restaurant when this beautiful young woman comes up to their table and kisses the man full on the lips and says I'll see you later.  Outraged, the wife says who was that.  Calmly, he says, that was my mistress.  Further outraged, the wife says, that's it, we're done, I want a divorce.  He says, if that's what you want, fine, but it'll mean no more summers in Provence, no more shopping trips to Nice, no more partying in San Moritz, no more Bently in the driveway.  Before she can respond, a mutual friend walks in with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.  The wife says who's that with Bill.  The husband responds, that's his mistress.  The wife responds, ours is prettier.

-RP

[DIGGER]

Im in Louisiana right now (not on bike) with some friends.   The lady of the house has a sign in the kitchen……..

There is a skinny girl inside of me that’s trying to get out….
But I can usually shut her up with cookies…..

[Tazman11]

THE PRESIDENT AND THE TWO HOGS
Last Tuesday President Biden got off the helicopter in front of the
White House carrying a baby piglet under each arm.
 
The squared-away Marine guard snapped to attention and saluted. 
"Nice Pigs, Sir".
 
The President replied, "These are not Pigs.  These are authentic
Arkansas Razorback hogs.  I got one for Vice-President Kamala
Harris and I got one for Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi.
 
The squared-away Marine guard again snapped to attention,
saluted, and said, "Excellent trade, Sir."
 

[DIGGER]

A man and woman were married for many
years. Whenever there was a confrontation,
yelling could be heard deep into the night. The
old man would shout, "When I die, I will dig my
way up and out of the grave and come back and
haunt you for the rest of your life! Neighbours
feared him. The old man liked the fact that he
was feared. Then one evening, he died when he
was 98. After the burial, her neighbours,
concerned for her safety, asked, "Aren't you
afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way
out of the grave and haunt you for the rest of
your life? The wife said, " Let him dig. I had him
buried upside down…and | know he won't ask
for directions.

[Tazman11]

You Know You've Been Drinking Too Much Coffee When...
You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without using the timer.

You get a speeding ticket even when you're parked.

You just completed another sweater... and you don't know how to knit!

You answer the door before people knock.

You have to watch videos in fast-forward.

You ski uphill.

You spend every vacation visiting "Maxwell House."

Juan Valdez names his donkey after you.

You name your dog "Valdez."

You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.

You lick your coffeepot clean!

[DIGGER]

This woman rushed to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out.

She rattles off: “Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What's WRONG with me, Doctor!?”



The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says: “Well, I can tell you that there ain't nothing wrong with your eyesight....”

haha

[John Schmidt]

A professor from a local college was holding a series of meetings with a group of residents from the area, the subject of his symposium was the various aspects of a happy marriage. This one particular evening the subject was marital sex, and during the talk he proposed the question regarding frequency. With that, he asked for a show of hands from those that engaged in the "horizontal mambo" at least three times a week. Following the rather meager showing, he asked about those whose frequency was closer to three times a month...whereupon he had a rather large showing. Finally, he asked if anyone had sex less than three times a month and one little middle-age guy waay in the back excitedly raised his hand so was called upon to explain. Professor..."how often do you engage in sex with your wife?" Man, answering gleefully..."my wife, after 50 years she say only once a year from now on." Professor..."sir, if you only have sex once a year, please tell me why you're so happy about it?" Man..."today is the day!"

[DIGGER]

From Rowen and Martin “laugh in”….. 

Disheaveled looking drunk is standing before a judge…..
Judge:  you have been arrested for attacking your motherinlaw.   Charges say you hit her on the head, knocked her on her knees,and stomped her on her toes…how do you plead?”

Drunk:   Well your honor….knocking her on her on her lnees and stomping on her toes…. Well your honor….the Devil made me do it!!!…..but hitting her on her head…..well….that was my idea.”

[John Schmidt]

DEAR DOGS,
1) When I say move, it means go someplace else, not switch positions with each other so there are still two of you in the way.

2) The dishes with the paw print design are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food.
PLEASE NOTE: Placing a paw print in the middle of my plate of food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

3) The stairway is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Nor does tripping me help because I can fall faster than you can run.

4) I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue to sleep on the couch to ensure your comfort. Look at videos of dogs sleeping. They can actually curl up in a ball.

5) It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space used is nothing but sarcasm.

6) For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, bark, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I used to enter. In addition, I have been using bathrooms for years; canine attendance is not mandatory.

7) The proper order is: 1) kiss me, 2) lick your butt.
I CANNOT STRESS THIS ENOUGH!

8. I love you... anyway and always!
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Here's a tip;
Ring the doorbell on your way to bed. That will clear them off your bed long enough for you to get in and get comfortable. 

[DIGGER]

A new “Supermarket” opened near my house.
It has a water mister to help keep the produce fresh.  Just before it goes on you hear distant thunder and the smell of rain.
When you approach the milk cases you hear cows mooing and smell fresh hay.
When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cackling, and you smell fresh bacon and eggs frying.
The veggie department smells of fresh buttered corn.
I dont buy toilet paper there anymore.

[John Schmidt]

Had to share that one with my girls.