Thinking it's time for a joke thread.

[DIGGER]

A woman takes her 16-year-old daughter to the doctor. "Okay, Mrs. Jones, what's the problem?

"The mother says, "It's my daughter, Debbie. She keeps getting these cravings, she's putting on weight, and she is sick most mornings."

The doctor gives Debbie a good examination, then turns to the mother and says, "Well, I don't know how to tell you this, but your Debbie is pregnant--about four months would be my guess.

"The mother says, "Pregnant?! She can't be, she has never been left alone with a man! Have you, Debbie?"

Debbie says, "No mother! I've never even kissed a man!" The doctor walked over to the window and stared outside. About five minutes passed before the mother said, "Is there something wrong out there, doctor?"

The doctor replied, "No, not at it. It's just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the east and three wise men came over the hill. I'm not going to miss it this time around!"

 

[Tazman11]

The Sensitive Man
 
A woman meets a man in a bar.
They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together, they get back to his place,
And as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that one wall of his bedroom
is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.
There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute,
cuddly teddy bears carefully placed in rows, covering the entire wall!
It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and
she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display.
There were small bears all along the bottom shelf.
Medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf
And huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf.
She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large collection of Teddy Bears.
She is quite impressed by his sensitive side but doesn't mention this to him.
They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after a while, she finds herself thinking,
'Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one!
Maybe he could be the future father of my children?'
She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips.
He responds warmly.
They continue to kiss, the passion builds.
And he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom,
Where they rip off each other's clothes and make hot, steamy love.
She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion,
More creativity, more heat than she has ever known.
After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow.
The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly, 'Well, how was it?'
The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes, and says:
'Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf’.

[JimC]

Q: What is the difference between a hooker,  your mistress,  and your wife?

When making love to a hooker, she is lying there thinking, "I hope this ends quickly"

When making love to your mistress, she is lying there thinking, " I hope this never ends"

When making love to your wife, she is lying there thinking, beige, I think I will paint the ceiling beige.

Jim

[da prez]

 That's a big bunch of cows. 
 Herd of cows.
 Yeah , I heard of cows.
 No, cow herd.
 I don't care what the cow heard , I got no secrets from them.

                                       da prez

[Grandpot]

I just applied for a used car loan.  The bank wanted to know how much gas was left in the tank.

[DIGGER]

A guy saw his wife bent over working in the flowerbed and commented “ boy Honey….your butt is getting as big as a barbque pit”.   She was not happy.  That night he snuggled up to her wanting some loving and she said “if you think I’m gonna fire up this big ole barbque pit for just one little wiener you got another think coming!!”

[Jess from VA]

Not a joke.... a whole hilarious routine.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x0gaYyNk7QA

[DIGGER]

Joke told by President Ronald Reagan…..

An American and a Russian in a bar bragging about their countries.
The American said “ In America I can walk right into the Presidents office and bang my fist on his desk and say ‘President, I dont like the way you are running our country!!’”
The Russian said “I can do that too!  I can walk right into Gorbachevs office and bang my fists on his desk and say ‘I dont like the way the American President is running his country.’”

[DIGGER]

Joke…..

Rednecks in Ukraine contacted Putin and said “Hey there Putin….tthe rednects of Ukraine have decided to get involved in this conflict and we are going to turn this fight around and kick your butt.”   When Putin got through laughing he said “oh yeah?….and just how do you plan to do that?”    The rednecks said “well…. just like in any war we are going to attack your forces from land sea and air.”    Putin said “ and just how big an arsenal do you have?”   Redneck responded “ well….we got 4 crop duster bi-planes, 20 offshore boats and 50 bayboats, 48 tractors and 12 bulldozers.”   When Putin got through laughing again he said “and just how many troops you got?”   Redneck said “we got 280 redneck fighters….by the way just how many troops you got?”    Putin said “I got 180,000 troops now in Ukraine.”   Redneck said “ hang on for a second Mr Putin…..we gotta have a quick meeting……(couple minutes pass)….ok Mr Putin, thanks for hanging on, but anyways we have decided to call this fight off….you see….we cant figure out how we can feed that many prisoners.”

[John Schmidt]

Found this posted elsewhere:

"I tell dad jokes, but I don’t have any kids.
I’m a faux pa."  

Did you hear about the New Mexican Restaurant…it’s the
Taco the town.   

[DIGGER]

A man on a plane headed to Chicago is extremely nervous…wringing his hands…fidgeting around.   Man next to him asks “you ok?”   The nervous guy says “Im moving to Chicago to a new job.  Im going to be bringing my family soon too.  Im just nervous as heck about living in Chicago with all the crime you hear about.  Im afraid my family wont be safe.   Im just scared to death about this move to Chicago.”   The man next to him said “its really not bad there.   I was born and raised there….lived there all my life.  Its really a nice place to live.  Nothing to be worried about….you and your family will love living in Chicago.”
The nervous guy says “Realy?   Im really glad I met you…you have calmed me down inside a lot.   What do you do for a living in Chicago?”   The man answered “ Im a tailgunner on a beer truck.”

[DIGGER]

Eat whatever you like because you will still DIE, don't allow motivational

speakers deceive you.

 

1. The inventor of the treadmill died at the age of 54.

2. The inventor of gymnastics died at the age of 57

3. The world bodybuilding champion died at the age of 41.

4. The best footballer in the world Maradona died at the age of 60.

BUT

5. The KFC inventor died at 94.

6. Inventor of Nutella brand died at the age of 88.

7. Cigarette maker Winston died at the age of 102.

8. The inventor of opium died at the age of 116 in an earthquake.

9. Hennessy Cognac inventor died at 98.

How did these doctors come to the conclusion that exercise prolongs life?

The rabbit is always jumping up and down but it lives for only 2 years and

the turtle that doesn’t exercise at all, lives 400 years.

So, take some rest, Chill, stay cool, eat, drink and enjoy your life.

 

You will still die.

 

[John Schmidt]

Eat whatever you like because you will still DIE, don't allow motivational

speakers deceive you.

 

1. The inventor of the treadmill died at the age of 54.

2. The inventor of gymnastics died at the age of 57

3. The world bodybuilding champion died at the age of 41.

4. The best footballer in the world Maradona died at the age of 60.

BUT

5. The KFC inventor died at 94.

6. Inventor of Nutella brand died at the age of 88.

7. Cigarette maker Winston died at the age of 102.

8. The inventor of opium died at the age of 116 in an earthquake.

9. Hennessy Cognac inventor died at 98.

How did these doctors come to the conclusion that exercise prolongs life?

The rabbit is always jumping up and down but it lives for only 2 years and

the turtle that doesn’t exercise at all, lives 400 years.

So, take some rest, Chill, stay cool, eat, drink and enjoy your life.

 

You will still die.

 

Reminds me of my dad, his heart skipped a couple beats like clockwork. Every 12 beats it would skip, beat twice, then skip again. Then 12 beats to next skip...and so on, you could literally count them as the drs. often did and were amazed at why it was such a perfect rhythm. He claimed it was that way his whole life, and joked about how all those missed beats are adding up and will be used on the back end when he's old. I guess he was right, he died at 93...from the flu he got from my sister.

[RP#62]

Eat whatever you like because you will still DIE, don't allow motivational

speakers deceive you.

 

1. The inventor of the treadmill died at the age of 54.

2. The inventor of gymnastics died at the age of 57

3. The world bodybuilding champion died at the age of 41.

4. The best footballer in the world Maradona died at the age of 60.

BUT

5. The KFC inventor died at 94.

6. Inventor of Nutella brand died at the age of 88.

7. Cigarette maker Winston died at the age of 102.

8. The inventor of opium died at the age of 116 in an earthquake.

9. Hennessy Cognac inventor died at 98.

How did these doctors come to the conclusion that exercise prolongs life?

The rabbit is always jumping up and down but it lives for only 2 years and

the turtle that doesn’t exercise at all, lives 400 years.

So, take some rest, Chill, stay cool, eat, drink and enjoy your life.

 

You will still die.

 

Reminds me of my dad, his heart skipped a couple beats like clockwork. Every 12 beats it would skip, beat twice, then skip again. Then 12 beats to next skip...and so on, you could literally count them as the drs. often did and were amazed at why it was such a perfect rhythm. He claimed it was that way his whole life, and joked about how all those missed beats are adding up and will be used on the back end when he's old. I guess he was right, he died at 93...from the flu he got from my sister.

Funny how that works.  My dad once went in for an operation - I think it was appendix, but not sure, and while they were in there, they were looking around and afterwards asked him if he had ever had any kidney problems.  He said no, he didn't remember ever having any kidney problems, why.  Doc said that one kidney was all shriveled up and had probably never worked.  Didn't seem to have much affect on his beer drinking when he was younger or much affect later for that matter.  He passed a month short of his 97th birthday.

-RP

[Jess from VA]

I have an occasional irregularly irregular heartbeat my whole life.  Called idiopathic.

It was only noticed on a few of many medical checkups.

They checked it out and then said don't worry about it.  So I don't. 

[DIGGER]

OLD MOTORCYCLES smoke a little, shake a little, leak a little……just like me.

[Jess from VA]

Two hookers were talking after a long night at work.

One asked the other, do you smoke when you're done?

The other thought about it, looked down at her crotch, and replied, I don't know, I never looked.

[DIGGER]

I went to an “Alcoholic Anonymous” meeting.
“Anonymous “ my ass…..I knew everyone there!

[RP#62]

Three preachers and their wives go on a big fishing trip.  While a mile from shore, a huge storm comes up and capsizes the boat and they all drowned.  They are greeted at the pearly gates by St Peter and seeing that they are all men of the cloth he says, oh, this should be easy, but just as a formality, I have to look you up in the big book.  He looks up the first preacher and says, oh my.  The first preacher says what?  St Peter says, that in the big book, it says you have always coveted money, its all you think about.  In fact, you wouldn't get married until you could find a woman named Penny.  I'm sorry, but I can't let you in to heaven.  He looks up the second preacher and says uh oh.  The second preacher says what?  St Peter says that in the big book it says that you have always coveted alcohol.  You think about it day and night.  In fact, you wouldn't get married until you could find a woman named Sherry.  I'm sorry, but I cant let you in to heaven.  Before anything else was said, the third preacher turns to his wife and says, come on Fanny, they're not going to let us in.

-RP

[Serk]

If a Lama with one 'L' is a holy man in Tibet, and Llama with two L's is a beast of burden (That we got to meet at Inzane Taos!), what is a three 'L' Lama?

...a large fire in Boston.

[Grandpot]

Biden just got sent to the hospital.  He said he couldn't stop pooting.

[John Schmidt]

I lost my job at the bank on my first day...
A woman asked me to check her balance, so I gave her a shove. 

[Serk]

Q:   What do Winnie the Pooh and John the Baptist have in common?





A:   The same middle name.

[John Schmidt]

Got this from a video.

Man said he'd been married for 35 years and has never let his wife look in the safe. One day while he was at the market she sneaked a look, then told him about it when he got home. He fussed at her for looking in there but she commented how there was £40k in there along with three eggs. She asked what's the 3 eggs for, he explained every time he "shagged" another man's wife he put an egg in there. She thought that wasn't too bad over the 35 years. Then she asked about all the cash, he explained as soon as he got a dozen eggs he sold them. 

[bikerboy1951]

A fellow worked in a pickle factory.  He came home one day and told his wife that he had this incredible urge to put his penis in the pickle slicer.  She suggested that it probably wasn't a good idea as he would probably get hurt and who knows what would happen to the pickle slicer.
The next week he came home and told his wife that he had been fired for putting his penis in the pickle slicer.  Concerned she asked if he had gotten hurt.  He replied no, so she asked about the pickle slicer.
Well, he said,  she got fired too.

[Mooskee]

A guy walks into a lumber yard and says I need some 2-by-4s. The  clerk says "How long do you need them? The guy replies "A long time. We're building a house."

[Jess from VA]

Groucho Marx was interviewing a couple with 18 kids on his old TV show (You Bet Your Life).  He took the cigar out of his mouth and looked at it and said... I love my cigars, but I take them out once in a while.

Johnny Carson was interviewing Arnold Palmer's wife on the Tonight Show, and asked her if she did anything to help her husband in his golf game.  She said she kissed his balls.  Johnny replied, I bet that gives him a stiff putter.

[f6gal]

A man who was chosen for jury duty really wanted to be dismissed from serving. He tried every excuse he could think of but none of them worked. On the day of the trial, he decided to give it one more shot. As the trial was about to begin, he asked if he could approach the bench. "Your Honor," he said, "I must be excused from this trial because I am prejudiced against the defendant. I took one look at the man in the blue suit with those beady eyes and that dishonest face and I said 'He's a crook! He's guilty!' So, your Honor, I cannot possibly stay on this jury!"

With a tired annoyance the judge replied: "Get back in the jury box, you fool. That man is the defendant's lawyer."

I thought you got excused for being an old fart. 

[DIGGER]

I accidentally swallowed some “Scrabble” tiles…..
And now I am experiencing constant vowel movements….
The next trip to the bathroom could spell diaster.

[Mooskee]

A guy driving a refrigerator truck full of penguins cross country to the San Diego Zoo.

He broke down in Flagstaff and was worried he'd lose the whole load.

Soon another refrigerator truck pulled up empty, and the two reached an agreement that the one would put the penguins in his truck and take them to the zoo, while the other guy would get his truck fixed and meet him in San Diego. The guy with the broken truck gave the other guy some money to cover expenses. 

The guy made it to San Diego the next day in his repaired truck and went to the zoo, but found no penguins.  He looked all over town, and no penguins.  Finally, dejected, he went to the beach, wondering how he would pay for the loss.

Out of the blue, the other guy comes walking down the beach with 50 penguins following him waddling along happily.

HEY, I paid you to take those penguins to the zoo!!!!

I did take them to the zoo, but I had some money left over, so I brought them down to the beach.
And now I’m going to buy them a snow cone!

[John Schmidt]

I’m really excited for the amateur autopsy club I just joined.
Tuesday is open Mike night!

[Jess from VA]

  

[DIGGER]

A woman goes into the local newspaper office to see that the obituary for her recently deceased husband is written.

The obit. editor informs her that the fee for the obituary is 50 cents a word.

She pauses, reflects and then says, Well then, let it read "Fred Brown died."

Amused at the woman's thrift, the editor tells her that there is a 7 word minimum for all obituaries.

Only a little flustered, she thinks thing over and in a few seconds says, In that case, let it read, "Fred Brown died: 1983 Pickup for sale."

    

Haha…..

[DIGGER]

When I die…..I want my last words to be
“I…left…a…million…dollars…in…the……………….”

[DIGGER]

I asked my wife “At 70 yrs old Does it bother you when you see me running after young women?”

She said “No…not at all.   Ive seen lots of dogs chase cars they cant drive.”

[DIGGER]

I recently signed up for an exercise class and they told me to wear loose fitting clothes.

If I had loose fitting clothes I wouldnt have signed up for the class in the first place.

[John Schmidt]

We've all heard of the organization MADD; Mothers Against Drunk Driving.

But have you heard of the new organization called DAM?  Mothers Against Dyslexia.

[POPS 57]

And then there's also. DAMM Drunks Against Mad Mothers,

[Jess from VA]

I heard the same joke, except the (fat) guy was seen wearing a women's girdle in the men's golf clubhouse locker room. 

How long you been wearing that thing Bob?

Since my wife found it under my car seat. 

The girdle is (much) funnier than the earring.   


(Lot's of guys wear earrings, and I don't think it's funny at all.  Just stupid.)

[John Schmidt]

Yeah...especially if you only wear one and in the wrong ear.