Just to make you feel better (HUMOR)

[Westernbiker]

Age Quotes
I'm so old they've cancelled my blood type.
Bob Hope

As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can't remember the other two...
Sir Norman Wisdom

Yes, time flies. And where did it leave you? Old too soon...smart too late.
Mike Tyson

You know you're getting fat when you can pinch an inch on your forehead.
John Mendoza

As we grow older, our bodies get shorter and our anecdotes longer.
Robert Quillen

People say that age is just a state of mind. I say it's more about the state of your body.
Geoffrey Parfitt

 

[Westernbiker]

Life Quotes
To solve the human equation, we need to add love, subtract hate, multiply good, and divide between truth and error.
Janet Coleman

The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
Andy Rooney

The day after tomorrow is the third day of the rest of your life.
George Carlin

If all the world's a stage, I want to operate the trap door.
-- Paul Beatty

In life, it's not who you know that's important, it's how your wife found out.
Joey Adams

 

[Westernbiker]

Love Quotes
I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.
David Bissonnette

I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me.
Henry Youngman

It's better to have loved and lost than to do forty pounds of laundry a week.
Laurence J. Peter

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
Unknown

If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question?
Lily Tomlin

Love is the delightful interval between meeting a beautiful girl and discovering that she looks like a haddock.
John Barrymore

Love is an irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired.
Robert Frost

A kiss can be a comma, a question mark or an exclamation point. That's basic spelling that every woman ought to know.
Mistinguette

Absence -- that common cure of love.
Miguel De Cervantes

 

[Westernbiker]

Marriage Quotes
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
Rodney Dangerfield

When a man brings his wife flowers for no reason, there's a reason.
Molly McGee

Always get married early in the morning. That way, if it doesn't work out, you haven't wasted a whole day.
Mickey Rooney

In olden times, sacrifices were made at the altar, a practice that still continues.
Helen Rowland

Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.
Unknown

I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
Rita Rudner

 

[fuzzy2bucks]

*   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *


Proof that looking at too much smut will make you go blind




!


!


!









`

[old grouch]

 Drinking with an Arizona Girl

 A Mexican, an Arab, and an Arizona girl are in the same bar.
 When the Mexican finishes his beer, he throws his glass in 
 the air, pulls out his pistol,and shoots the glass to pieces.  He says, 'In Mexico ,
 our glasses are so cheap we don't need to drink with the same one twice.'

  The  Arab, obviously impressed by this,drinks non-alcohol beer
  (cuz he's a muslim!), throws it into the air, pulls out 
  his   AK-47, and shoots the glass to pieces.
  He says, 'In the Arab World, we have  so much sand to make     
  glasses that we don't  need to drink with the same one twice either.'

  The  Arizona girl, cool as a cucumber, picks up her beer,
  downs it in one gulp, throws the glass into the air, whips out her
  45, and shoots the Mexican and the Arab.
  Catching her glass, setting it on the bar, and  calling for a 
  refill, she says, 'In  Arizona , we have so many
  illegal aliens that we don't have to
  drink with the same ones twice.'

>
>  God Bless ARIZONA!

[Westernbiker]

Money Quotes
Money isn't everything but it sure keeps you in touch with your children.
J. Paul Getty

A man explained inflation to his wife thus:
'When we married, you measured 36-24-36. Now you're 42-42-42. There's more of you, but you are not worth as much.'
Lord Barnett

Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That's how rich I want to be.
Rita Rudner

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.
Dorothy Parker

My problem lies in reconciling my gross habits with my net income.
Errol Flynn

 

[Westernbiker]

Politics Quotes
A good politician is quite as unthinkable as an honest burglar.
H. L. Mencken

Run for office? No. I've slept with too many women, I've done too many drugs, and I've been to too many parties.
George Clooney

Today, the L.A. Times accused Arnold Schwarzenegger of groping six women. I'm telling you, this guy is presidential material.
Dave Letterman

Politicians are wonderful people as long as they stay away from things they don't understand, such as working for a living.
P. J. ORourke

Politics is perhaps the only profession for which no preparation is thought necessary.
Robert Louis Stevenson

Politics is not a bad profession. If you succeed there are many rewards, if you disgrace yourself you can always write a book.
Ronald Reagan

 

[Westernbiker]

Wisdom Quotes
Whenever I'm caught between two evils, I take the one I've never tried.
Mae West

Knowledge speaks, but wisdom listens.
Jimi Hendrix

The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with.
Marty Feldman

How to make a million dollars: First, get a million dollars.
Steve Martin

If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. There's no use being a damn fool about it.
W.C. Fields

Wise men make proverbs, but fools repeat them.
Samuel Palmer

 

[Jess from VA]

The room was full of pregnant women with their partners. The class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly and was telling the men how to give the necessary assurance to their partners at this stage of the pregnancy.

She said "Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier; just take several stops and stay on a soft surface like grass or a path."

She looked at the men in the room, "and Gentlemen, remember -- You're in this together--It wouldn't hurt you to go walking with her".

The room suddenly got very quiet as the men absorbed this information.

Then a man at the back of the room slowly raised his hand.

"Yes", answered the Instructor.

"I was just wondering if it would be all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"

This kind of sensitivity just can't be taught.

[Jess from VA]

   
A rich Florida man decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbors. He also invited Leroy, the only Redneck in the neighborhood.

He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion.

Leroy was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating shrimp, oysters and BBQ and flirting with all the women.

At the height of the party, the host said, 'I have a 10 foot man-eating gator in my pool, and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the nerve to jump in.

The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash. Everyone turned around and saw Leroy in the pool!

Leroy was fighting the gator! Leroy was jabbing it in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, head butts and choke holds, biting the gator on the tail and flipping it through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor.

The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Leroy and the gator were screaming and raising hell.

Finally Leroy strangled the gator and let it float to the top like a dime store goldfish.

Leroy then slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief.

Finally the host says, 'Well, Leroy, I reckon I owe you a million dollars.'

'No, that's okay. I don't want It,' said Leroy.

The rich man said, 'Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet. How about half a million bucks then?'

No thanks, I don't want it,' answered Leroy.

The host said, 'Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing. How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?'

Again Leroy said no.

Confused, the rich man asked, 'Well, Leroy, then what do you want?'

Leroy said, 'I want the name of the sumbich who pushed me in the pool!'

[bigguy]

Three aspiring psychiatrists were attending their first class on
emotional extremes.

"Just to establish some parameters," said the professor, to the
student from Arkansas, "What is the opposite of joy?"

"Sadness," said the student.

"And the opposite of depression?" he asked of the young lady from
Oklahoma.

"Elation," she said.

"And you sir," he said to the young man from Texas, "How about the
opposite of woe?"

The Texan replied, "Sir, I believe that would be giddy up

[Westernbiker]

Women Quotes
Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult.
Charlotte Whitton

Guys are like dogs. They keep coming back. Ladies are like cats. Yell at a cat one time...they're gone.
Lenny Bruce

I love women. They're the best thing ever created. If they want to be like men and come down to our level, that's fine.
Mel Gibson

I wonder why it is, that young men are always cautioned against bad girls. Anyone can handle a bad girl. It's the good girls men should be warned against.
David Niven

One of the most difficult things in the world is to convince a woman that even a bargain costs money.
Edgar Watson Howe

Brigands demand your money or your life; women require both.
Samuel Butler

 

[Westernbiker]

Work quotes
The reason why worry kills more people than work is that more people worry than work.
Robert Frost

The easiest job in the world has to be coroner. Surgery on dead people. What's the worst thing that could happen? If everything went wrong, maybe you'd get a pulse
Dennis Miller

Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?
Edgar Bergen

Doing nothing is very hard to do...you never know when you're finished.
Leslie Nielsen

The trouble with unemployment is that the minute you wake up in the morning you're on the job.
Slappy White

I only go to work on days that don't end in a 'y'.
Robert Paul

It's just a job. Grass grows, birds fly, waves pound the sand. I beat people up.
Muhammad Ali

A good rule of thumb is if you've made it to thirty-five and your job still requires you to wear a name tag, you've made a serious vocational error.
Dennis Miller

I like work: it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours.
Jerome K Jerome

 

[Westernbiker]

Writers Quotes
The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.
Tom Clancy

I never know what I think about something until I read what I've written on it.
William Faulkner

I handed in a script last year and the studio didn't change one word. The word they didn't change was on page 87.
Steve Martin

I have always been a huge admirer of my own work. I'm one of the funniest and most entertaining writers I know.
Mel Brooks

It took me fifteen years to discover that I had no talent for writing, but I couldn't give it up because by that time I was too famous.
Robert Benchley

A writer is congenitally unable to tell the truth and that is why we call what he writes fiction.
William Faulkner

The free-lance writer is the person who is paid per piece or per word or perhaps.
Robert Benchley

 

[Jess from VA]

Three Bikers, a Honda Rider, a BMW Rider and a Harley Rider were sitting in a sauna. Suddenly, there was a continuing beeping sound.
The Honda Rider pressed his forearm and the beeping stopped. The others looked at him questioningly. “That was my pager, “he said, “I have a micro chip under the skin of my arm.”
A few minutes later a phone rang.
The BMW Rider lifted his palm to his ear. When he finished he explained, “That was my mobile phone. I have a micro chip in my hand.”
The Harley Rider felt decidedly low tech. Not to be outdone, he decided he had to do something just as impressive. He stepped out of the sauna and went to the bathroom. He returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging from his butt.
The others raised their eyebrows and stared at him.
The Harley Rider finally declared… “Well, will you look at that, I’m getting a fax!” -

[fuzzy2bucks]

THE RECESSION HITS EVERYBODY



I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.


Wives are sleeping with their husbands because they can't afford batteries.


CEO's are now playing miniature golf.


Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.


A stripper was killed when her audience showered her with rolls of pennies while she danced.


I saw a Mormon polygamist with only one wife.


If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you call them and ask if they meant you or them.


McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer.


Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America .


Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.


My cousin had an exorcism but couldn't afford to pay for it, and they re-possessed her!


A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico.


A picture is now only worth 200 words.


When Bill and Hillary travel together, they now have to share a room.


The Treasure Island casino in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates.


Congress says they are looking into this Bernard Madoff scandal. Oh Great! The guy who made $50 Billion disappear is being investigated by the people who made $1.5 Trillion disappear!


And, finally...

I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I called the Suicide Hotline. I got a call center in Pakistan , and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck.









`
 

[fuzzy2bucks]

           =  Fax by Toilet Paper   

------------------------------------------------------------------------------



Something to think about


 
>1.   Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE


 >2.  Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?

 

 >3.  OK.... so if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the "Jags" and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the "Bucs," what does that make the Tennessee Titans?



 >4.  If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...does that mean that one enjoys it?
 

 >5.  There are three religious truths:

  a. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.

  b. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith.

  c. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or at Hooters.
 

 >6.  If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

 >7.  Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

 >8.  If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

 >9.  Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?

 >10. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a race car is not called a racist?

 >11. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?

 >12. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

 >13. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP? (I like this one)

 >14. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?
 

 >15. What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?

    (Hmmmm)
 

 >16. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me .they're cramming for their final exam.

 

 >17. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? toothpicks?

 

 >18. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?

 >19  If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

 >20. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

 >21. Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?

 

[fuzzy2bucks]

What time is it ?




On some air bases the Air Force is on one side of the field and civilian aircraft
use the other side of the field, with the control tower in the middle.


One day the tower received a call from an aircraft asking, "What time is it ?"
The tower responded, "Who is calling ?"


The aircraft replied, "What difference does it make ?"

The tower replied, "It makes a lot of difference........ If it is an American Airlines flight,
it is 3 o'clock.

 
If it is an Air Force plane, it is 1500 hours.

 
If it is a Navy or Coast Guard aircraft, it is 6 bells.


If it's an Army aircraft, it's Thursday afternoon and 120 minutes to "Happy Hour."


If it's a Marine Corps aircraft, the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 3.











`

[fuzzy2bucks]

Caption Needed





















`

[Jess from VA]

"That is one goofy looking cat!"

[bigguy]

A tough looking biker was riding his Harley when he sees a girl about to jump off a bridge so he stops.   "What are you doing?" he asks.   "I'm going to commit suicide," she says.   While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an opportunity , he asked "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a Kiss?"   So, she does.   After she's finished, the biker says, "Wow! That was the best Kiss I have ever had. That's a real talent you are wasting. You could be famous Why are you committing suicide?"   "My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl......"

[Jess from VA]

Weekend Assignment

The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship.

Little Sally led off: "I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30," she said proudly, "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success."

"Very good," said the teacher.

Little Jenny was next... "I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events."

"Very good, Jenny," said the teacher.

Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn... The teacher held her breath ...

Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467," he said.  "$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?"

"Toothbrushes," said Little Johnny.

"Toothbrushes!" echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?"

"Easy... I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny, "I set up a Chip & Dip stand and gave everybody who walked by a free sample."

They all said the same thing, "Hey, this tastes like dog poop!"  Then I would say, "Well, it is dog poop.  Wanna buy a toothbrush?" "I used Obama's approach of giving you something sh!ty for free, and then making you pay to get the taste out of your mouth."

[Jess from VA]

A tough looking biker was riding his Harley when he sees a pretty girl about to jump off a bridge so he stops.

"What are you doing?" he asks.

"I'm going to commit suicide," she says.

While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an
opportunity, so he asked "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a Kiss?"

So, she does.

After she's finished, the biker says, "Wow! That was the best Kiss I have ever had. That's a real talent you are wasting. You could be famous. Why are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl......"

[Westernbiker]

And God Created Woman
One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God, "Lord, I have a problem!"

"What's the problem, Eve?"

"Lord, I know you've created me and have provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, and that hilarious comedy snake, but I'm just not happy."

"Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above.

"Lord, I am lonely. And I'm sick to death of apples."

"Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you."

"What's a 'man', Lord?"

"This man will be a flawed creature, with aggressive tendencies, an enormous ego and an inability to empathize or listen to you properly. All in all, he'll give you a hard time. But, he'll be bigger and faster and more muscular than you. He'll be really good at fighting and kicking a ball about and hunting fleet-footed ruminants, and not altogether bad in the sack."

"Sounds great," says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow.

"Yeah, well. He's better than a poke in the eye with a burnt stick. But, you can have him on one condition."

"What's that, Lord?"

"You'll have to let him believe that I made him first."
 

[Westernbiker]

Catholic Dictionary
AMEN
The only part of a prayer that everyone knows.

BULLETIN
Your receipt for attending Mass.

CHOIR
A group of people whose singing allows the rest of the congregation to lip-sync.

HYMN
A song of praise usually sung in a key two octaves higher than that of the congregation's range.

RECESSIONAL HYMN
The last song at Mass often sung a little more quietly, since most of the people have already left.

INCENSE
Holy Smoke!

JUSTICE
When kids have kids of their own.

PEW
A medieval torture device still found in Catholic churches.

RECESSIONAL
The ceremonial procession at the conclusion of Mass led by parishioners trying to beat the crowd to the
parking lot.

RELICS
People who have been going to Mass for so long, they actually know when to sit, kneel, and stand.

TEN COMMANDMENTS
The most important Top Ten list not given by David Letterman.

USHERS
The only people in the parish who don't know the seating capacity of a pew.

 

[Westernbiker]

3 men standing in front of God
God: Men, what car you get in Heaven will depend on how faithful you were to your wives on Earth.

Man 1: Please God, I can't count how many times I cheated on my wife. There were just too many beautiful women on Earth, and I had to have them all.

God: I am ashamed of you, my man, For that, I give you a run-down truck that barely moves.

Man 2: Dear God, please forgive me! I cheated on my wife once, just once! We were going through problems and I took the wrong turn. Please forgive me!

God: My man, I am ashmed of you too. But I will be kinder to you. For that, I give you a convertible BMW.

Man 3: Dear God, you will be so proud of me. I loved and worshipped my wife. I brought her roses everyday after work, I brought her gifts every aniversary, and we went travelling, and had dinner out 3 times a week, and...

God: Okay, my man, enough! I get the point. I am very proud of you! For that, I give you any car you desire!

Two weeks later Man 1 and 2 are driving on the freeway when they see Man 3 ahead of them, stopped in the middle of the road in his Black Jaguar.

Man 1 and 2: Hey Man! Why are you sitting in your car and crying your eyes out? You're acting like some ungrateful bugger! Look at your car, man! What is your problem?!

Man 3: "I just saw my wife on rollerskates!

 

[Westernbiker]

A Brief Guide To Religious Philosophies
Catholicism: If crap happens, I deserve it.

Protestantism: crap won't happen if I work harder.

Judaism: Why does this crap always happen to me?

Buddhism: When crap happens, is it really crap?

Islam: If crap happens, take a hostage.

Hinduism: This crap happened before.

Hare Krishna: crap happens Rama Lama Ding Dong.

Rastafarianism: Let's smoke this crap.

 

[Westernbiker]

Revelation 3:20
A new pastor moved into town and went out one Saturday to visit his parishioners.

All went well until he came to one house. It was obvious that someone was home, but no one came to the door even after he had knocked several times.

Finally, he took out his card and wrote on the back: Revelation 3:20 and stuck it in the door.

The next day, as he was counting the offering he found his card in the collection plate. Below his message was the notation Genesis 3:10.

Revelation 3:20 reads: "Behold I stand at the door and knock. If any man hear my voice, and opens the door, I will come in to him, and will dine with him, and he with me."

Genesis 3:10 reads: "And he said, I heard thy voice in the garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked."

 

[fuzzy2bucks]

Big Chief and the  Condom


There was a gentleman of American Indian decent in the little mid-west town where I lived that everyone called Big Chief.


One day Big Chief entered the local drug store and waited until everyone was gone before approaching the druggist, "Uhmm Big Chief need help with squaw, teepee getting too full of little braves" he told the druggist. Understanding his problem the druggist said,"Big Chief what you need is a box of condoms."

 

"What is this condom?" asked Big Chief.  "Its what we sometimes call a rubber, you heard of a rubber haven't you?" said the druggist who then went on to explain to Big Chief about what they were used for and how to use one. Big Chief bought a box and left with a smile on his face.


A few days later he came back in to the drug store and again waited for everyone to leave, "Uhmm rubber no good!" said Chief as he held up 2 condoms which had been exploded.


WOW! Thought the druggist, "What happened Chief?"


Chief said,"Squaw go uhmmm, Chief go uhmmm, rubber go ka-blewy, rubbers no good."


"Well Chief how about using 2 at a time, maybe that'll solve your problem." said the druggist. So Chief left once again with a smile on his face. A few days later he was back again with the same old story, "Squaw go uhmmm, Chief go uhmmm, rubber go ka-blewy."



By now the druggist is starting to wonder what to do, looking around the store he finds a pack of balloons in the novelty section,  he gives one to Chief and says "Here try this, extra strong rubber, it'll surely work, no more ka-blewy."

So Big Chief takes his new rubber and leaves and is not heard from for quite some time.  So one day the druggist sees one of Big Chiefs neighbors and asks how he's doing. "Oh you haven't heard," said the neighbor "Chief is in the hospital, has been for a few days." Hoping nothing was seriously wrong the druggist stopped by on his way home to see Chief and there he was, laying in bed, both legs suspended in traction and bandaged around the waist.


"My God Chief what happend, were you in some sort of accident?"
 

"Me in no accident, rubber worked too good." replied Chief.


"What do you mean worked too good?" asked the druggist.


Big Chief looked up with pain in his eyes and explained, "Squaw go uhmmm, Chief go uhmmm, rubber go eekkkk, balls go KA-BLEWY..









`

[Jess from VA]

* Students at a local school were assigned to read 2 books, 'Titanic' and 'My Life' by Bill Clinton .

One student turned in the following book report,
With the proposition that they were nearly identical stories!
His cool teacher gave him an A+ for this report.

Titanic:...... Cost - $29.99
Clinton :..... Cost - $29.99

Titanic:..... Over 3 hours to read
Clinton :.... Over 3 hours to read

Titanic:..... The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden
love, and subsequent catastrophe.
Clinton :... The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden
love, and subsequent catastrophe.

Titanic:..... Jack is a starving artist.
Clinton :.... Bill is a bullshit artist.

Titanic:..... In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar.
Clinton :.... Ditto for Bill.

Titanic:..... During the ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined.
Clinton :.... Ditto for Monica.

Titanic:..... Jack teaches Rose to spit.
Clinton :.... Let's not go there.

Titanic:..... Rose gets to keep her jewelry.
Clinton :.... Monica' s forced to return her gifts.

Titanic:..... Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life.
Clinton :.... Clinton doesn't remember Jack.

Titanic:..... Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen.
Clinton :.... Monica.. ooh, let's not go there, either.

Titanic:..... Jack surrenders to an icy death.
Clinton :.... Bill goes home to Hillary - basically the same thing

[Westernbiker]

You Caught My Eye
A man who lived in a block of apartments thought it was raining and put his hand out the window to check. As he did so a glass eye fell into his hand. He looked up to see where it came from in time to see a young woman looking down.

"Is this yours?" he asked.

She said, "Yes, could you bring it up?" and the man agreed.

On arrival she was profuse in her thanks and offered the man a drink. As she was very attractive he agreed. Shortly afterwards she said, "I'm about to have dinner. There's plenty, would you like to join me?"

He readily accepted her offer and both enjoyed a lovely meal. As the evening was drawing to a close the lady said, "I've had a marvelous evening. Would you like to stay the night?"

The man hesitated then said, "Do you act like this with every man you meet?"

"No," she replied, "only those who catch my eye."

 

[Westernbiker]

Golden Anniversary
An aged farmer and his wife were leaning against the edge of their pig-pen when the old woman wistfully recalled that the next week would mark their golden wedding anniversary.

"Let's have a party, Homer," she suggested. "Let's kill a pig."

The farmer scratched his grizzled head.

"Gee, Ethel," he finally answered, "I don't see why the pig should take the blame for something that happened fifty years ago."

 

[Westernbiker]

Bookworm
"For Heaven's sake, Chris, why can't you talk to me once in a while?" Julie whined.

"What?" Chris replied.

"Look around!" Julie yelled, as she pointed around the room. "Look at all these books! You always have your head buried in a book! You don't even seem to know I'm alive!"

"I'm sorry, honey," Chris said.

"Sometimes I wish I were a book. Maybe then you'd at least look at me!" Julie exclaimed.

"Hmmmm," Chris mumbled, "that's not such a bad idea. Then I could take you to the library every few days and change you for something more interesting."

 

[Westernbiker]

Respectfully Cheating
Jack and Betty are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary.

"Betty, I was wondering -- have you ever cheated on me?"

"Oh Jack, why would you ask such a question now? You don't want to ask that question..."

"Yes, Betty, I really want to know. Please."

"Well, all right. Yes, 3 times."

"Three? When were they?"

"Well, Jack, remember when you were 35 years old and you really wanted to start the business on your own and no bank would give you a loan? Remember how one day the bank president himself came over to the house and signed the loan papers, no questions asked?"

"Oh, Betty, you did that for me! I respect you even more than ever, that you would do such a thing for me! So, when was number 2?"

"Well, Jack, remember when you had that last heart attack and you were needing that very tricky operation, and no surgeon would touch you? Remember how Dr. DeBakey came all the way up here, to do the surgery himself, and then you were in good shape again?"

"I can't believe it! Betty, I love that you should do such a thing for me, to save my life! I couldn't have a more wonderful wife. To do such a thing, you must really love me darling. I couldn't be more moved. When was number 3?"

"Well, Jack, remember a few years ago, when you really wanted to be president of the golf club and you were 17 votes short?"

 

[fuzzy2bucks]

How many women



After three years of marriage, Kim was still questioning her husband about his lurid past.


"C'mon, tell me," she asked for the thousandth time, "how many women have you slept with?"


"Baby," he protested, "if I told you, you'd throw a fit".


Kim promised she wouldn't get angry, and convinced her hubby to tell her.


"Okay," he said, "One, two, three, four, five, six, seven - then there's you - nine, ten, 11, 12, 13.."










`

[Westernbiker]

In Hot Pursuit
Two Alabama State Trooper Patrol cars were in hot pursuit of a Camaro heading east towards Georgia on I-90.

When the suspect crossed the Georgia line, the first trooper pulled over immediately. The rookie Trooper pulled over right behind him and asked, "Sarge, why'd you stop?"

"You dumb rookie," replied the Sarge. "He's in Georgia now. They're an hour ahead of us, so we'll never catch him."

 

[Westernbiker]

Iowa Taxidermist in Alabama
This guy walks into a bar in Alabama and orders a white wine.

Everybody sitting around the bar looks up, surprised, and the bartender looks around and says: "You ain't from around here, are ya... where ya from, boy?" <

The guy says, "I'm from Iowa."

The bartender asks, "What th' hell you do in Iowa?"

The guy responds, "I'm a taxidermist."

The bartender asks, "A taxidermist... now just what th' hell is a taxidermist?"

The guy says, "I mount animals."

The bartender grins and shouts out to the whole bar, "It's OK boys, he's one of us!"

 

[Westernbiker]

Last Ditch Effort
Two football players were taking an important final exam.

If they failed, they would be on academic probation and not allowed to play in the Sugar Bowl the following week.

The exam was fill-in-the-blank.

The last question read, "Old MacDonald had a _________."

Bubba was stumped. He had no idea of the answer. He knew he needed to get this one right to be sure he passed.

Making sure the professor wasn't watching, he tapped Tiny on the shoulder.

"Pssst. Tiny. What's the answer to the last question?"

Tiny laughed. He looked around to make sure the professor hadn't noticed then he turned to Bubba.

"Bubba, you're so stupid. Everyone knows Old MacDonald had a farm."

"Oh yeah," said Bubba. "I remember now."

He picked up his No. 2 pencil and started to write the answer in the blank.

He stopped. Reaching to tap Tiny's shoulder again, he whispered, "Tiny, how do you spell farm?"

"You are really dumb, Bubba. That's so easy. Farm is spelled E-I-E-I-O."

 

[Westernbiker]

Martha Stewart's Rules for Rednecks
GENERAL

1. Never take a beer to a job interview.

2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.

3. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.

4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.

5. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.

DINING OUT

1. When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the vine.

2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.

ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME

1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.

2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table...no matter how good his manners are.

PERSONAL HYGIENE

1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.

2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.

3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.

DATING (Outside the Family)

1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.

2. Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago."

3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; Others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.

THEATER ETIQUETTE

1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.

2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.

WEDDINGS

1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.

2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.

3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.

4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special occasion.

DRIVING ETIQUETTE

1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; Even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight.

2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.

3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.

4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.

5. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.