Just to make you feel better (HUMOR)

[Willow]

In Hot Pursuit
Two Alabama State Trooper Patrol cars were in hot pursuit of a Camaro heading east towards Georgia on I-90.  

Headed for Georgia on I-90 they were all really, really lost.

Some folks need to get out more.

[Jess from VA]

[GreenLantern57]

The man approached the very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and said, "I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"

"Why?" asked the woman

"Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman my wife appears out of nowhere."   

[fuzzy2bucks]

Finally have my Snow Plow built and put into action.








*















`

[MNBill]

Cold is a relative thing
 
65°
Arizonans turn on the heat.
People in Minnesota plant gardens.

60°
Californians shiver uncontrollably.
People in Minnesota sunbathe.

50°
Italian & English cars won't start.
People in Minnesota drive with the windows down..

40°

Georgians don coats, thermal underwear, gloves, wool hats.
People in Minnesota throw on a flannel shirt.

35°

New York landlords finally turn up the heat.
People in Minnesota have the last cookout before it gets cold.

20°
People in Miami all die.
Minnesotans close the windows.

0°

Californians fly away to Mexico.
People in Minnesota get out their winter coats.


10° below zero:

Hollywood disintegrates.
The Girl Scouts in Minnesota are selling cookies door to door.

20° below zero:

Washington DC runs out of hot air. (Ya think? Nah.).
People in Minnesota let the dogs sleep indoors.


30° below zero:

Santa Claus abandons the North Pole.
Minnesotans get upset because they can't start the snowmobile.


-40°

ALL atomic motion stops.
People in Minnesota start saying..."Cold enough for ya?"

[Westernbiker]

A Prayer Before Dying
When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep - not screaming, like the passengers in his car.

 

[Westernbiker]

Almost Perfect Life
An old man is sitting on a park bench crying his eyes out. A young jogger comes by and asks him what is the matter.

The old man says, "I'm a multimillionare, I have a great big house, the fastest car in the world and I just married a beautiful blonde bombshell who satisfies me every night in bed whether I like it or not (sob)."

The young jogger says, "Man, you have everything I have ever dreamed for in my life. What could be so wrong in your life that you are sitting here in the park crying?"

The old man says, "I can't remember where I live."

 

[Westernbiker]

20 Ways To Annoy A Public Bathroom Stallmate
1. Stick your open palm under the stall wall and ask your neighbor, 'May I borrow a highlighter?'

2. Say, 'Uh oh, I knew I shouldn't have put my lips on that.'

3. Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise.

4. Say, 'Damn, this water's cold.'

5. Drop a marble and say, 'Oh crap! My glass eye!'

6. Say, 'Hmmm, I've never seen that color before.'

7. Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantelope into the toilet bowl from a height of 6 feet. Sigh relaxingly.

8. Say, 'Now how did that get there?'

9. Say, 'Humus. Reminds me of humus.'

10. Fill up a large flask with Mountain Dew. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls of your neighbors while yelling, 'Whoa! Easy boy!'

11. Say, 'Interesting.. more floaters than sinkers.'

12. Using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut butter on a wad of toilet paper and drop the wad under the stall wall of your neighbor. Then say, 'Whoops, could you kick that back over here please?'

13. Say, 'C'mon Mr. Happy! Don't fall asleep on me.'

14. Fill a balloon with creamed corn. Rush into the stall with your hand over your mouth and let out a lengthy vomit impression while you squeeze the balloon and splatter cream corn all about.

Apologize profusely and blame it on the fettucine alfredo you had for breakfast.

15. Say, 'Boy, that sure looks like a maggot.

16. Say, 'Damn, I knew that drain hole was a little too small. Now what am I gonna do?'

17. Play a well known drum cadence over and over again on your butt cheeks.

18. Before you unroll toilet paper, conspicuously lay down your 'Cross-Dressers Anonymous' newsletter on the floor visible to the adjacent stall.

19. Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall, adjust it so you can see your neighbor and say, 'Peek-a-boo!'

20. Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing 'Born Free'.

 

[Westernbiker]

Been In College Too Long...
You consider McDonald's "real food."

You actually like doing laundry at home.

4:00 AM is still early on the weekends.

It starts getting late on the weeknights.

Two miles is not too far to walk for a party.

You wear dirty socks three times in a row and think nothing of it.

You'd rather clean than study.

Half the time you don't wake up in your own bed and it seems normal.

Computer Solitaire is more than a game, it's a way of life.

You schedule your classes around sleep habits and soaps.You know the pizza boy by name.

You go to sleep when it's light and get up when it's dark.

You live for getting mail. (E-mail included)

Prank phone calls become funny again.

Wal-Mart is the coolest store.

World War III could take place and you'd be clueless.

You start thinking and sounding like your roommate.

Blacklights and highlighters are the coolest things on earth.

Rearranging your room is your favorite pastime.

You find out milk crates have so many uses.

The weekend lasts from Thursday to Sunday (or Wednesday morning to Tuesday night).

 

[Westernbiker]

58 Newspaper Headlines
58 Actual Newspaper Headlines (collected by journalists)

1. Something Went Wrong In Jet Crash, Expert Says

2. Police Begin Campaign To Run Down Jaywalkers

3. Saftey Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted

4. Drunk Gets Nine Months In Violin Case

5. Survivor Of Siamese Twins Joins Parents

6. Farmer Bill Dies In House

7. Iraqi Head Seeks Arms

8. Is There A Ring Of Debris Around Uranus?

9. Stud Tires Out

10. Prostitutes Appeal To Pope

11. Panda Mating Fails: Veterinarian Takes Over

12. Soviet Virgin Lands Short Of Goal Again

13. British Left Waffles On Falkland Islands

14. Lung Cancer In Women Mushrooms

15. Eye Drops Off Shelf

16. Teacher Strikes Idle Kids

17. Reagan Wins On Budget, But More Lies Ahead

18. Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim

19. Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66

20. Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax

21. Plane Too Close To Ground, Crash Probe Told

22. Miners Refuse to Work After Death

23. Juvenile Court To Try Shooting Defendant

24. Stolen Painting Found By Tree

25. Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies

26. Two Sisters Reunited After 18 Years In Checkout Counter

27. Killer Sentenced To Die For Second Time In 10 Years

28. Never Withhold Herpes Infection From Loved One

29. Drunken Drivers Paid $1000 in '84

30. War Dims Hope For Peace

31. If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While

32. Cold Wave Linked To Temperatures

33. Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
34. Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge

35. Deer Kill 17,000

36. Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

37. Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge

38. New Study Of Obesity Looks For Larger Test Group

39. Astronaut Takes Blame For Gas In Spacecraft

40. Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

41. Chef Throws His Heart Into Helping Needy

42. Arson Suspect Is Held In Massachusetts Fire

43. British Union Finds Dwarves In Short Supply

44. Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood

45. Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees

46. Local High School Dropouts Cut In Half

47. New Vaccine May Contain Rabies

48. Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing

49. Deaf College Opens Doors To Hearing

50. Air Head Fired

51. Steals Clock, Faces Time

52. Prosecutor Releases Probe into Undersheriff

53. Old School Pillars are Replaced By Alumni

54. Bank Drive-In Window Blocked By Board

55. Hospitals are Sued By 7 Foot Doctors

56. Some Pieces Of Rock Hudson Sold At Auction

57. Sex Education Delayed, Teachers Request Training

58. Include Your Children When Baking Cookies

 

[Kaiser]

21 Ways To Annoy A Public Bathroom Stallmate

21.  Say "Corn?  I don't remember eating corn."

[Westernbiker]

Bad News
A secretary walked into her boss's office & said, "I'm afraid I've got some bad news for you."

"Why do you always have to give me bad news?" he complained.

"Tell me some good news for once."

"Alright, here's some good news," said the secretary.

"You're not sterile."

 

[Westernbiker]

Pretty Bad News
Doctor: Well, I have good news and bad news.

Patient: Go with the good news first.

Doctor: You have 24 hours to live.

Patient: What?! How about the bad news?

Doctor: I forgot to call you yesterday.

 

[Westernbiker]

Dentist Visit
The Smiths were shown into the dentist's office, where Mr. Smith made it clear he was in a big hurry.

"No fancy stuff, Doctor," he ordered, "No gas or needles or any of that stuff. Just pull the tooth and get it over with."

"I wish more of my patients were as stoic as you," said the dentist admiringly. "Now, which tooth is it?"

Mr. Smith turned to his wife.."Show him, honey."

 

[Westernbiker]

Comments from Dr's Patients
A physician claims these are actual comments from his patients made while he was performing colonoscopies:

1. "Take it easy, Doc, you're boldly going where no man has gone before."

2. "Find Amelia Earhart yet?"

3. "Can you hear me NOW?"

4. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"

5. "You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married."

6. "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"

7. "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out. You do the Hokey Pokey...."

8. "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"

9. "If your hand doesn't fit, you must acquit!"

10. "Hey, Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."

11. "Could you write me a note for my wife, saying that my head is not, in fact, up there?"

 

[Westernbiker]

Arthritis is so cruel
"I'll tell you," he said, "I've learned that arthritis is the cruellest disease."

"Crueller than cancer?" his friend asked.

"You bet," the first codger replied, "It makes every single one of your joints stiff, except the right one."

 

[fuzzy2bucks]

Golf Balls


A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful (you guessed it) blond. The puzzled blond kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.


Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, "Its golf balls."
Nevertheless, the blond continued to look at him for a very long time, deeply thinking about what he had said.


After several minutes, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, she asked, "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?”






`

[fuzzy2bucks]

Intelligent Design




*

[Westernbiker]

The Raffle Ticket
A woman arrives home from work and her husband notices she's wearing a diamond necklace. He asks his wife, "Where did you get that necklace?"

She replies, "I won it in a raffle at work. Go get my bath ready while I start dinner."

The next day, the women arrives home from work wearing a diamond bracelet. Her husband asks, "Where did you get the bracelet?"

She replies, "I won it in a raffle at work. Go get my bath ready while I start dinner."

The next day, her husband notices she arrives home from work wearing a mink coat. He says, "I suppose you won that in a raffle at work?" She replies, "Yeah I did! How did you guess? Go get my bath ready while I start supper."

Later after supper, she goes to take her bath and she notices there is only one inch of water in the tub. She yells to her husband, "HEY! There's only an inch of water in the tub."

He replies, "I didn't want you to get your raffle ticket wet."

 

[Westernbiker]

Mother of Six!
A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife,"Mother of Six " in spite of her objections.

One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts across the room at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home Mother of six?'"

His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion shouts right back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four."

 

[Westernbiker]

A Time of Weakness
Rosemary had been divorced for a few years and was finding life very lonely.

Finally, after much persuasion, she consented to go out on a date with Andy, a gentleman her daughter fixed her up with.

Andy picked her up and they went to a very secluded spot to have a picnic.

Andy had also been divorced for quite some time and found himself very attracted to Rosemary.

Despite her initial resistance to his advances, he finally suceeded in making love to her.

Rosemary was mortified at her lack of self-control and sobbed, "I don't know how I'm going to face my daughter, knowing that in a time of weakness, I sinned twice!"

"What do you mean, twice?" Andy asked. "We only did it once."

"Well, you're going to do it again, aren't you?" Rosemary asked.

 

[Westernbiker]

Ancient Chinese Torture
A young man was lost wandering in a forest, when he came upon a small house.

He knocked on the door and was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long, grey beard. "I'm lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?"

"Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter, I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man."

"Ok," said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and entered the house.

Before dinner, the daughter came down the stairs. She was young, beautiful, and had a fantastic figure.

She was obviously attracted to the young man since she couldn't keep her eyes off him during the meal.

Remembering the old man's warning, he ignored her and went up to bed alone.

But during he night, he could bear it no longer, and sneaked into her room for a night of passion.

He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn't hear. Near dawn he crept back to his room, exhausted, but happy.

He woke in the morning with the feel of pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read, "Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest."

"Well, that's pretty crappy," he thought. "If that's the best the old man can do then I don't have much to worry about."

He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw the boulder out. As he did so he noticed another note on it that read: "Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle."

In a panic he glanced down and saw the rope that was already getting close to the end.

Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration, he jumped out of the window after the boulder.

As he plummeted downward he saw a large sign on the ground that read, "Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bedpost."

 

[Westernbiker]

Anniversary Trouble
Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary.

The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, 'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever.'"

"Yeah?" she replies. "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, "Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last.'"

 

[Westernbiker]

A Hot Day
It was a stifling hot day and a man fainted in the middle of a busy intersection.

Traffic quickly piled up in all directions, so a woman rushed to help him.

When she knelt down to loosen his collar, a man emerged from the crowd, pushed her aside, and said, "It's all right honey, I've had a course in first aid."

The woman stood up and watched as he took the ill man's pulse and prepared to administer artificial respiration.

At this point she tapped him on the shoulder and said, "When you get to the part about calling a doctor,I'm already here."

 

[Westernbiker]

Blind Animals
There's a blind rabbit and a blind snake that are friends.

One day, the blind rabbit tells the blind snake that he doesn't know what he is, because he can't see.

The blind snake takes ahold of the rabbit and says, "Well, you have long fur covered ears and a short little tail. You must be a rabbit."

The rabbit was happy to know what he was.

He tells the blind snake, "Come here and I will try to determine what you are."

The blind rabbit feels the snake and finally says, "You're cold and slimy and don't have any balls. You must be a lawyer."

 

[Westernbiker]

A Few Good Lawyers
A lawyer is standing in a long line at the box office.

Suddenly, he feels a pair of hands kneading his shoulders, back, and neck. The lawyer turns around.

"What the hell do you think you're doing?"

"I'm a chiropractor, and I'm just keeping in practice while I'm waiting in line."

"Well, I'm a lawyer, but you don't see me screwing the guy in front of me, do you?"

 

[Westernbiker]

New Viruses on the loose!
Oprah Winfrey virus:
Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB and then slowly expands back to 200MB.

AT&T virus:
Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.

MCI virus:
Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for the AT&T virus.

Politically Correct virus:
Never calls itself a "virus", but instead refers to itself as an "electronic microorganism."

Arnold Schwarzenegger virus:
Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back.


Government Economist virus:
Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.

New World Order virus:
Probably harmless, but it makes a lot of people really mad just thinking about it.

Federal Bureaucrat virus:
Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of your computer.

Texas virus:
Makes sure that it's bigger than any other file.

Adam and Eve virus:
Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple.

Congressional virus:
The computer locks up, screen splits erratically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem.

Airline virus:
You're in Dallas but your data is in Singapore.

Freudian virus:
Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying to its own motherboard.

Public Television virus:
Your programs stop every few minutes to ask for money.

Elvis virus:
Your computer gets fat, slow and lazy, then self destructs only to resurface at shopping malls and service stations across rural America.

Nike virus:
Just does it.

Congressional virus #2:
Runs every program on the hard drive simultaneously, but doesn't allow the user to accomplish anything.

Star Trek virus:
Invades your system in places where no virus has gone before.

Health Care virus:
Tests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong, and sends you a bill for $4,500.

 

[fuzzy2bucks]

Bottle caps have more than one use.





*






*






*








`

[fuzzy2bucks]

Blondes first Football game



A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats
right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.


'Oh, I really liked it,' she replied, 'especially the tight pants and all the big muscles,
but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents!


Dumbfounded, her date asked, 'What do you mean?'


'Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game,
all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!'
I'm like...Helloooooooooooooo? It's only 25 cents!!!!!!






`

[Westernbiker]

12 Year Old Scotch
A guy comes into a bar and asks the barman for twelve-year-old scotch. The barman thinks "This guy is pretty pretentious" and proceeds to pour him a drink of six-year-old scotch.

He gives it to the customer who takes a drink, exclaiming, "This isn't twelve-year-old scotch, this is six-year-old scotch"

The barman thinks, hey this guy knows what he's talking about, and the two of them get into a conversation about where the customer is from etc..

At one point an old guy, who was sitting at the other end of the bar comes over with a glass and hands it to the customer. The latter takes a drink, and spits it out.

"This is piss!" he yells.

The old guy nods and says, "Yeah, but how old am I?"

 

[Westernbiker]

A Message For The Manager
A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the bartender who comes over immediately.

When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard which is full and bushy.

"Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands.

"Actually, no," he replied.

"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, running her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair.

"I'm afraid I can't," breathes the bartender, clearly in trouble. "Is there anything I can do?"

"Yes there is. I need you to give him a message," she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently. "Tell him that there is no toilet paper in the ladies room."

 

[Westernbiker]

Bar Chatup
A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar.

After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"

To which she responds by yelling, at the
top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!"

Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.

After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes.

She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you.

You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."

To which he responds, at the top of his
lungs, "What do you mean $200!!!"

 

[Westernbiker]

Best Friend
A guy is sitting at a bar, throwing back glass after glass of scotch. The bartender, a little worried, asks him if he's okay. "No, I'm not," the guy replies.

"I just caught my wife in bed with my best friend."

"Well," asks the bartender, "what did you say to your wife?"

"Nothing. I'm not speaking to that bitch anymore."

"Well, what did you say to your best friend?"

"BAD DOG! BAD DOG!"

 

[Westernbiker]

Celtic Mortality
What is the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral?

One less drunk.

 

[RainMaker]

58 Newspaper Headlines
58 Actual Newspaper Headlines (collected by journalists)

 

This one just came thru the Huffington Post:

"Julia Hurley Credits Hooters For Success"
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/02/08/julia-hurley-hooters_n_820333.html

[Westernbiker]

Never argue with kids
Excerpts from Readers's Digest.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

My 4 year old son came screaming out of the bathroom to tell me he'd dropped his toothbrush in the toilet.

So I fished it out and threw it in the garbage.

He stood there thinking for a moment, then ran to my bathroom and came out with my toothbrush.

He held it up and said with a charming little smile, "We better throw this one out too then, 'cause it fell in the toilet a few days ago.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother.

The note read, "The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents."


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room.

When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover.

The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, "What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?"


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A little girl had just finished her first week of school. "I'm just wasting my time," she said to her mother.

"I can't read, I can't write and they won't let me talk!"


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.

The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat
was very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human, it was physically impossible.

The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".

The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?" The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.

"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'that's Michael. He's a doctor.'"

A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher. She's dead."


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood.

Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face."

"Yes," the class said. "Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary positions the blood doesn't run into my feet?"

A little fellow shouted, "Because your feet aren't empty."


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch.

At the head of the table was a large pile of apples.

The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching." Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the
table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.

A child had written a note, "Take all You want. God is watching the apples!"


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A kindergarden teacher at age 30 was talking to the children seated on the floor around her, absentmindedly she removed her glasses to clean them.

"Wow, Miss Collins!" one child exclaimed. "You look really different without your glasses on !"

Another child piped up, "I bet she looks different when she takes her teeth out, too!"

 

[Westernbiker]

Lipstick
According to a news report, a certain private school recently was faced with a unique problem.

A number of middle school girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.

Every night, the maintenance man would remove them and the next day, the girls would put them back.

Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man.

She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the maintenance man who had to clean the mirrors every night.

To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.

He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it.

Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

There are teachers, and then there are educators.

 

[Westernbiker]

Things never to say to a cop
1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer. (OK in Texas)

2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.

3. Aren't you the guy from the Village People?

4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!

5. Are You Andy or Barney?

6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.

7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?

8. I pay your salary!

9. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!

10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.

11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are.

12. When the Officer says "Gee Son.. Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with,"Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"

 

[Westernbiker]

Funny Instruction Labels
These are actual instruction labels on
consumer goods:

On Sears hairdryer:
Do not use while sleeping.
(Gee, that's the only time I have to work on my hair!)

On a bag of Fritos:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
(The shoplifter special!)

On a bar of Dial soap:
Directions: Use like regular soap.
(and that would be how?)

On some Swann frozen dinners:
Serving suggestion: Defrost.
(But it's 'just' a suggestion!)

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert: (printed on bottom of the box)
Do not turn upside down.
(Too late! you lose!)

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
Product will be hot after heating.
(Are you sure? Let's experiment.)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron:
Do not iron clothes on body.
(But wouldn't that save more time?)
(Whose body?)

On Boot's Children's cough medicine:
Do not drive car or operate machinery.
(We could do a lot to reduce the construction accidents if we just kept those 5 year olds off those fork lifts.)

On Nytol sleep aid:
Warning: may cause drowsiness.
(One would hope!)

On a Korean kitchen knife:
Warning: keep out of children.
(hmm...something must have gotten lost in the translation...)

On a string of Christmas lights:
For indoor or outdoor use only.
(As opposed to use in outer space.)

On a food processor:
Not to be used for the other use.
(Now I'm curious.)

On Sainsbury's peanuts:
Warning: contains nuts.
(but no peas?)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.
(somebody got paid big bucks to write this one...)

On a Swedish chainsaw:
Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.
(Raise your hand if you've tried this..)

On a child's Superman costume:
Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.
(Oh go ahead! That's right, destroy a universal childhood belief.)

 

[Westernbiker]

Never argue with a women
A couple go on holiday to a fishing resort in northern Minnesota.

The husband likes to fish at the crack of dawn. The wife likes to read.

One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap.

Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and continues to read her book.

Along comes a game warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning Ma'am. What are you doing?"

"Reading a book," she replies (thinking it was obvious).

"You're in a restricted fishing area" he informs her.

"I'm sorry officer, but I'm not fishing, I am reading" she replies.

"Yes, but you have all the equipment. I'll have to take you in and write you up'' the warden says.

"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault" says the woman.

"But I haven't even touched you!" says the game warden.

"That's true, but you have all the equipment."