Just to make you feel better (HUMOR)

[Westernbiker]

A 12 inch ___
Two friends were playing golf when one pulled out a cigar.

He didn't have a lighter, so he asked his friend if he had one. "I sure do," he replied while he reached into his golf bag and pulled out a 12 inch Bic lighter.

"Wow!" said his friend, "Where did you get that monster lighter?"

"I got it from my genie."

"You have a genie?"

"Yes, right here in my golf bag."

"Could I see him?"

He opens his golf bag and out pops a genie.

The friend asks the genie, "Since, I'm a good friend of your master, will you grant me one wish?"

"Yes I will" the genie replies.

The friend asks the genie for a million bucks.

The genie hops back into the golf bag and leaves him standing there, waiting for his million bucks.

Suddenly, the sky begins to darken and the sound of a million ducks flying overhead is heard.

The friend tells his golfing partner, "I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!"

He answers,"I forgot to tell you that the genie is hard of hearing. Do you really think I asked him for a 12 inch Bic?"

 

[Westernbiker]

Down South Bumper Stickers
=> The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.

=> I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.

=> Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.

=> I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

=> WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.

=> You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.

=> BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore.

=> I got a gun for my wife, best trade I ever made.

=> So you're a feminist...Isn't that cute!

=> I'm just driving this way to piss you off.

=> Keep honking, I'm reloading.

=> As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.

=> I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

=> Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

=> Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.

 

[Westernbiker]

Father and Son
One morning a boy got up and was leaving the house with a hand full of chicken wire.

His father said, 'Son, where are you going?'

The son replied, 'I'm going to catch me some chickens.'

The father said, 'Son, you can't catch chickens with chicken wire.'

But the son insisted that he knew what he was doing.

Later on that day, the son came home with two chickens in his hand. The father thought, 'I guess he knows what he's doing.'

The next morning, the son got up and was leaving the house with some duck tape.

The father said, 'Son, where are you going?' The son replied, 'I'm going to catch some ducks.'

The father yelled, 'You can't catch ducks with duck tape!'

The son insisted that he knew what he was doing. Later on that day the son came home with two ducks under each arm.

The father thought, 'Shoot, I guess he does know what he's doing!'

The next morning the son got up and was leaving the house with a hand full of pussywillows. The father said, 'Hold up, son, let me put on my shoes!'

 

[Westernbiker]

Redneck Driving Applications
Redneck Driver's Application

Plez compleet this paper, best ya can.


Last name: ________________

First name:
[_] Billy-Bob [_] Bobby-Sue
[_] Billy-Joe [_] Bobby-Jo
[_] Billy-Ray [_] Bobby-Ann
[_] Billy-Sue [_] Bobby-Lee
[_] Billy-Mae [_] Bobby-Ellen
[_] Billy-Jack [_] Bobby-Beth Ann Sue

Age: ____ (if unsure, guess)
Sex: [_]M [_]F [_]None
Shoe Size: ____ Left ____ Right
Occupation:
[_] Farmer [_] Mechanic
[_] Hair Dresser [_] Waitress
[_] Un-employed [_] Dirty Politician

Spouse's Name: __________________________
2nd Spouse's Name: __________________________
3rd Spouse's Name: __________________________
Lover's Name: __________________________
2nd Lover's Name: __________________________

Relationship with spouse:
[_] Sister [_] Aunt
[_] Brother [_] Uncle
[_] Mother [_] Son
[_] Father [_] Daughter
[_] Cousin [_] Pet

Number of children living in household: ___
Number of children living in shed: ___
Number of children that are yours: ___

Mother's Name: _______________________
Father's Name: _______________________

Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)
If you obtained a higher education what was your
major?
[_] 5th grade [_] 6th grade

Do you [_] own or [_] rent your mobile home?

Vehicles you own and where you keep them:
___ Total number of vehicles you own
___ Number of vehicles that still crank
___ Number of vehicles in front yard
___ Number of vehicles in back yard
___ Number of vehicles on cement blocks

Age you started drivin ______ (If over 10 are you
are still slow lerrnin ? [_] Yes [_] No)

Firearms you own and where you keep them:
____ truck ____ kitchen
____ bedroom ____ bathroom/outhouse
____ shed ____ pawnshop

Model and year of your pickup: _________ 194_

Do you have a gun rack?
[_] Yes [_] No; If no, please explain:

Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:
[_] The National Enquirer [_] The Globe
[_] TV Guide [_] Soap Opera Digest
[_] Rifle and Shotgun [_] Bassmasters

___ Number of times you've seen a UFO
___ Number of times you've seen Elvis
___ Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO

How often do you bathe:
[_] Weekly
[_] Monthly
[_] Not Applicable

How many teeth in YOUR mouth? ___
Color of teeth:
[_] Yellow [_] Brownish-Yellow
[_] Brown [_] Black
[_] N/A

Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer:
[_] Red-Man [_] Skoal

How far is your home from a paved road?
[_] 1 mile
[_] 2 miles
[_] don't know

 

[Westernbiker]

The Toilet Brush
Tom, Dick and Harry were in the pub enjoying a few quiet drinks one night, when they decided to get in on the weekly raffle.

They bought five $1 tickets each, seeing it was for charity.

The following week, when the raffle was drawn, they each won a prize.

Tom won the first prize - a whole year's supply of gourmet spaghetti sauce.

Dick was the winner of the second prize - six month's supply of extra-long gourmet spaghetti.

And Harry won the sixth prize - a toilet brush.

When they met in the pub a week later, Harry asked the others how they were enjoying their prizes.

"Great," said Tom. "I love spaghetti."

"So do I," said Dick. "And how's the toilet brush, Harry?"

"Not so good," Harry said, "I reckon I'll go back to paper..."

 

[fuzzy2bucks]

Senior Textling Update



Since more and more Seniors are texting and tweeting, there appears to be a need for a STC                                        (Senior Texting Code).   


ATD: At The Doctor's

BFF: Best Friend Farted

BTW: Bring The Wheelchair

BYOT: Bring Your Own Teeth

CBM: Covered By Medicare

CUATSC: See You At The Senior Center

DWI: Driving While Incontinent

FWB: Friend With Beta Blockers

FWIW: Forgot Where I Was

FYI: Found Your Insulin

GGPBL: Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low!

GHA: Got Heartburn Again

HGBM: Had Good Bowel Movement

IMHO: Is My Hearing-Aid On?

LMDO: Laughing My Dentures Out

LOL: Living On Lipitor

LWO: Lawrence Welk's On

OMMR: On My Massage Recliner

ROFL... CGU: Rolling On The Floor Laughing... And Can't Get Up

TTYL: Talk To You Louder

WAITT: Who Am I Talking To?

WTF: Wet The Furniture

WTP: Where's The Prunes?

WWNO: Walker Wheels Need Oil





`

[fuzzy2bucks]

Snails


A wife was hosting a lavish dinner party at the family apartment and had invited the cream of San Franciscan society to attend. To ensure that she was serving only the freshest food at the party, that afternoon she sent her husband down to the beach to fetch some snails. But while he was collecting snails on the beach, he met a beautiful woman. Well one thing led to another and they ended up going back to her place, drinking some wine and making passionate love.


He was so smitten with her that he completely forgot about the time and it was the following morning before he woke up. "My God," he thought. "My wife's dinner party." He frantically got dressed and ran back to the apartment just as the sun was rising. But he was in such a hurry that as he reached the top of the stairs leading to the apartment, he dropped the bucket of snails and they fell to the floor. There were snails all the way down the stairs.
 

Just then his wife opened the door. She was furious. "Where have you been all night?" she screamed.



He looked at her and then at the trail of snails down the stairs. "Come on guys," he said, "we're almost there."





`

 

[fuzzy2bucks]

Where are all the Canadians?



A Somali arrives in Vancouver as a new immigrant to Canada ...
He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says ... 'Thank you Mr. Canadian for letting me in this country, giving me housing, money for food, free medical care, free education and low taxes!'
 

The passerby says, 'You are mistaken, I am Mexican.'


The man goes on and encounters another passerby ... ' Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in Canada !'
The person says, 'I not Canadian, I Vietnamese.'
 

The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand and says .... 'Thank you for the wonderful Canada !'


That person puts up his hand and says, 'I am from Middle East, I am not Canadian !'


He finally sees a nice lady and asks ... 'Are you a Canadian ?'
 

She says, 'No, I am from Africa !
'

Puzzled, he asks her, 'Where are all the Canadians ?'

 
The African lady checks her watch and says ....'Probably at work.'





`

[fuzzy2bucks]

Humorous and coldest swim ever:


http://www.break.com/index/swimming-in-norway-2002009

[fuzzy2bucks]

Garage door


Guy walks out of the restroom  Girl says: "Sir your garage door is open"Guy asks: "Did you see my

Harley?   "Girl says: "No, I saw a mini bike with two flat tires"




`

[Westernbiker]

Drinking, Gambling, and Golf
A man was walking in the city, when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking bum who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.

The man took out his wallet, extracted two dollars and asked, "If I gave you this money, will you take it and buy whiskey?"

"No, I stopped drinking years ago," the bum said.

"Will you use it to gamble?"

"I don't gamble. I need everything I can get just to stay alive."

"Will you spend the money on greens fees at a golf course?"

"Are you NUTS! I haven't played golf in 20 years!"

The man said, "Well, I'm not going to give you two dollars.

Instead, I'm going to take you to my home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The bum was astounded.

"Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty bad."

The man replied, "That's OK. I just want her to see what a man looks like who's given up drinking, gambling, and golf."

 

[Westernbiker]

Going Down French Style!
Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for
a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine.

It's a beautiful day and love is in the air. Marie leans over to Pierre and says, "Pierre, kiss me!"

Our hero grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on Marie's lips.

"What are you doing, Pierre?" says the startled Marie.

"I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I like to have red wine!"

She smiles and they start kissing.

When things began to heat up a little, Marie says, "Pierre, kiss me lower."

Our hero tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and starts pouring it all over her breasts.

"Pierre! What are you doing?" asks the bewildered Marie.

"I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I like to have white wine!"

They resume their passionate interlude and things really steam up.

Marie leans close to his ear and whispers, "Pierre, kiss me lower!"

Our hero rips off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and pours it in her lap. He then strikes a match and lights it on fire.

Marie shrieks and dives into the river.

Standing waist deep in the river, Marie throws her arms upwards and screams furiously, "Pierre, what in the hell do you think you're doing??!"

Our hero stands up, defiantly, and says, "I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I go down, I go down in flames!"

 

[Westernbiker]

Hit Man
An executive with a new young wife and a yen for golf decided about December one year that he couldn't take it any longer.

So he said to his wife one evening, "Honey, next Friday we're going to Hilton Head for the weekend. We'll get a condo on the golf course and I'm going to play golf all weekend."

"That sounds fine," she purred. And, sure enough, next Saturday morning at 6 a.m., found him on the golf course, all alone.

After playing two holes, he noticed a man carrying a golf bag walking toward him across a fairway.

The exec. waited, and the other man arrived, saying, "Mind if I play along?"

The exec. said, "Fine. Glad to have the company."

All went well for a couple of holes, until each approached the sixth green. When the new fellow laid down his clubs, the cover came off one club.

The exec. noticed, however, that it wasn't a club at all. It was a high powered rifle.

"Whoa," he said. "That's a high powered rifle!"

"Look," said the other man. "I'm not out to cause any trouble. If you want me to leave, I will. No hard feelings."

"No. No," said the exec. "I'm just curious as to why you have a high-powered rifle in your bag."

The other man pondered for a moment and then said, "Well, I'll tell you. It's my business. It's what I do for a living."

"Wow," said the other. "I've heard about guys like you, but I've never met one before."

"Still want me to play?" said the other.

"Sure," said the Erie exec. "As a matter of fact, you know, I do a little hunting. Would you mind if I look at it?"

The other man showed him the rifle. It was beautiful--an inlaid Weatherby with a huge powerful scope mounted on it.

The exec. picked it up, looked through the scope, and said, "Gee, I can see the window of my condo with this thing. Matter of fact, there's my wife." He lowered the gun for a moment and said, "she doesn't have any clothes on." He looked through the scope again. "Damn, there's a guy with her."

The Erie exec. lowered the rifle and looked at the other man. "How much do you charge?"

"$10,000 a bullet," said the man.

The Erie man thought for a moment, and said, "Do it."

"Which one?" said the hit man.

"Both," said the exec.

"That's $20,000, you know."

"I don't care, hit 'em both."

The hit man took two cartridges from his bag and loaded the rifle. "Where do you want me to get the man?" he asked.

"Blow his nuts off" said the exec.

"How about the woman?"

"In the mouth. She's always flapping her gums anyway."

"Ok," said the hit man as he raised the rifle. Taking careful aim, he clicked off the safety, but then he paused and chuckled. "Mister," he said, "I think I'm going to be able to save you ten thousand dollars."

 

[bigguy]

To Those of  Us  Born 1920 - 1969

TO ALL THE KIDS WHO SURVIVED THE 1920's, 1930's, 40's, 50's, and 60's!!

First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they were pregnant.
They took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing, tuna from a can and didn't get tested for diabetes.
Then after that trauma, we were put to sleep on our tummies in baby cribs covered with bright colored lead-base paints.
We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, locks on doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had baseball caps not helmets on our heads.
As infants & children, we would ride in cars with no car seats, no booster seats, no seat belts, no air bags, bald tires and sometimes no brakes.
Riding in the back of a pick- up truck on a warm day was always a special treat.
We drank water from the garden hose and not from a bottle.
We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and no one actually died from this
We ate cupcakes, white bread, real butter and bacon. We drank Kool-Aid made with real white sugar. And, we weren't overweight..   WHY?
Because we were always outside playing...that's why!
We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on..
No one was able to reach us all day. And, we were OKAY.
We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then ride them down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem
We did not have Play stations, Nintendo's and X-boxes. There were no video games, no 150 channels on cable, no video movies or DVD's,
No surround-sound or CD's,
No cell phones,
No personal computers,
No Internet and no chat rooms.
WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them!
We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no lawsuits from these accidents. We would get spankings with wooden spoons, switches, ping pong paddles, or just a bare hand and no one would call child services to report abuse.
We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever.
We were given BB guns for our 10th birthdays, made up games with sticks and tennis balls and, although we were told it would happen, we did not poke out very many eyes.
We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just walked in and talked to them.
Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment.
Imagine that!!
The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law!
These generations have produced some of the best risk-takers, problem solvers and inventors ever.
The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas.
We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned how to deal with it all.
If YOU are one of them, CONGRATULATIONS!
You might want to share this with others who have had the luck to grow up as kids.
While you are at it, forward it to your kids so they will know how brave and lucky their parents were.

Kind of makes you want to run through the house with scissors, doesn't it ?

[Kaiser]

To Those of  Us  Born 1920 - 1969

TO ALL THE KIDS WHO SURVIVED THE 1920's, 1930's, 40's, 50's, and 60's!!

Not funny, but good post.

[Westernbiker]

I Won The Lottery!
A man gets home, screeches his car into the driveway, runs into the house, slams the door and shouts at the top of his lungs, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the damn lottery!"

The wife says, "Oh my god! No crap?! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?"

The husband yells back, "It doesn't matter. Just get the hell out!"

 

[Westernbiker]

A Short Time to Live
A man hasn't been feling well, so he goes to his doctor for a complete checkup.

Afterward the doctor comes out with the results.

"I'm afraid I have some very bad news," the doctor says. "You're dying, and you don't have much time left."

"Oh, that's terrible!" says the man. "How long have I got?"

"Ten," the doctor says sadly.

"Ten?" the man asks. "Ten what? Months? Weeks? What?!"

"Nine..."

 

[Westernbiker]

Actual Medical Charts
The baby was delivered, the cord clamped and cut and handed to the pediatrician, who breathed and cried immediately.

Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

The skin was moist and dry.

Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid.

She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until 1989 when she got a divorce.

Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.

The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed.

I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.

The patient lives at home with his mother, father, and pet turtle, who is presently enrolled in day care three times a week.

Bleeding started in the rectal area and continued all the way to Los Angeles.

Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

She is numb from her toes down.

Exam of genitalia was completely negative except for the right foot.

While in the emergency room, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.

The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

The patient was to have a bowel resection. However he took a job as a stockbroker instead.

Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.

Coming from Detroit, this man has no children.

Examination reveals a well-developed male lying in bed with his family in no distress.

Patient was alert and unresponsive.

When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.

 

[Westernbiker]

Breast Milk Advantages
The student - not necessarily a well-prepared student - sat in his life science classroom staring at a question on the final exam paper.

The question directed:

"Give four advantages of breast milk."

What to write? He sighed, and began to scribble

whatever came into his head, hoping for the best:

1. No need to boil.
2. Cats can't steal it.
3. Available whenever necessary.

Um. So far so good - maybe. But the exam demanded a four-part answer.

Again, what to write?

Once more he sighed. He frowned. He scowled. Then sighed again.

But suddenly, he brightened.

He grabbed his pen, and triumphantly scribbled his definitive answer:

4. Available in attractive containers.

 

[Jess from VA]

Last Tuesday President Obama got off the helicopter in front of
>
> The White House - carrying a baby piglet under each arm.
>
> The squared-away Marine guard snapped to attention, saluted and said:
>
> "Nice pigs, sir."
>
> The President replied:
> "These are not pigs. These are authentic Arkansas Razorback Hogs.
>
> I got one for Secretary of State Hillary Clinton, and I got one for Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi."
>
> The squared-away Marine again snapped to attention, saluted and said,
>
> "Excellent trade, sir."
 

[Westernbiker]

Chinese Couple
A Chinese couple had a new baby. The nurse brings over a lovely, healthy, bouncy, black baby boy.

"Congratulations," says the nurse to the new parents. "What will you name the baby?"

The puzzled father looks at his new baby boy and says, "I think we will name him Sum Ting Wong."

 

[Westernbiker]

Female Laws To Live By
The female always make the rules.

The rules are subject to change at any time without prior notification.

No male can possibly know all the rules.

If the female suspects the male knows the rules she must immediately change some or all of the rules.

The female is never wrong.

If the female is wrong, it is due to a misunderstanding which was a direct result of something the male did or said wrong.

The male must apologize immediately for causing said misunderstanding.

The female may change her mind at any time.

The male must never change his mind without the express written consent of the female.

The female has every right to be angry or upset at any time.

The male must remain calm at all times unless the female wants him to be angry and/or upset.

The female must, under no circumstances, let the male know whether or not she wants him to be angry and/or upset.

The male is expected to mind read at all times.

The female is ready when she is ready.

The male must be ready at all times.

 

[Westernbiker]

Family Pants
Jack and Jill were getting married.

Jack was talking to his dad about the marriage when his dad says, "I remember when your mom and I got married. I took off my pants, gave them to her, and told her to put them on."

"I can't wear these," she said.

"Darn right," he said, "I wear the pants in this family, and you'd better remember that."

"I think I'll try that on Jill," Jack said.

He went to Jill, took off his pants, and gave them to her.

"Put these on," he said.

Jill replied, "I can't wear these."

"Darn right. I wear the pants in this family and you'd better remember that," he said.

Then Jill took off her pants, gave them to him, and told him to put them on.

"I can't get in to these," he said.

"Darn right," Jill said. "And if you don't change your attitude you never will!"

[Westernbiker]

Facts of Life
Women love to talk on the phone. A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours.

Women will drive miles out of their way to avoid the possibility of getting lost using a shortcut.

Women do NOT want an honest answer to the question, 'How do I look?'

PMS stands for: Permissible Man-Slaughter (or at least men think it means that). PMS also stands for Preposterous Mood Swings and Punish My
Spouse.

The first naked man a woman sees is 'Ken'.

Women will make three right-hand turns to avoid making one left-hand turn.

'Oh, nothing,' has an entirely different
meaning in woman-language than it does in man-language.

Women cannot use a map without turning the map to correspond to the direction that they are heading.

All women are overweight by definition; don't agree with them about it. Women always have 5 pounds to lose, but don't bring this up unless they really have 5 pounds to gain.

If it is not Valentine's Day and you see a man in a flower shop, you can probably start up a conversation by asking, 'What did you do?'

Only women understand the reason for 'guest towels' and the 'good china'.

All women seek equality with men until it comes to sharing the closet, taking out the trash, and picking up the check.

If a man ticks off a woman she will often respond by getting a fuzzy toilet cover which warms their rear, but makes it impossible for the lid to stay up thus it constantly gets peed on by the guys (which gets them in More trouble).

Women never check to see if the lid is up. They seem to prefer taking a flying butt leap towards the bowl and then chewing men out because they 'left the seat up' instead of taking two seconds and lowering it themselves.

Women can get out of speeding tickets by
pouting. This will get men arrested.

Women don't really care about a sense of humor in a guy despite claims to the contrary. You don't see women trampling over Tom Cruise to get to Gilbert Gottfried, do you?

Men can never catch women checking out other men; women will always catch men checking out other women.

 

[Westernbiker]

Definitions By Gender
THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female: Any part under a car's hood. Male: The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female: Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male: Playing football without a helmet.

COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male: Scratching out a note before suddenly taking off for a weekend with the boys.

BUTT (but) n
Female: The body part that every item of clothing manufactured makes "look bigger."
Male: What you slap when someone's scored a touchdown, homerun, or goal. Also good for mooning.

COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female: A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male: Not trying to pick up other women while out with one's girlfriend.

ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female: A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male: Anything that can be done while drinking.

FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female: An embarrassing by-product of digestion.
Male: An endless source of entertainment, self-expression and male bonding.

MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female: The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male: Call it whatever you want just as long as we end up in bed.

REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female: A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male: A device for scanning through all 75 channels every 2&1/2 min.

 

[fuzzy2bucks]

For Sale


O'Flaherty was walking along the road when he saw a sign outside Murphy's house. It read, "boat for sale"

"What's this sign all about, Murphy?" asked O'Flaherty. "You haven't got a boat. All you got is a tractor and a trailer."



"Thas right," said Murphy, "and they're boat for sale."








`

[Westernbiker]

This one is for the ladies, sorry guys!

20 truths about men
1. Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers.

2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks-out? You shut the door.

3. If they put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them all up there.

4. Never let your man's mind wander - it's too little to be out alone.

5. Go for younger men. You might as well - they never mature anyway.

6. Men are all the same - they just have different faces, so that you can tell them apart.

7. Definition of a bachelor: a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.

8. Women don't make fools of men - most of them are the do-it-yourself types.

9. Best way to get a man to do something, is to suggest he is too old for it.

10. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

11. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.

12. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.

13. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him checkbooks.

14. Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means that you laugh at his.

15. Sadly, all men are created equal.

16. If you think the way to a man's heart is through his stomach you're aiming too high.

17. Definition of a man with manners - he gets out of the bath to pee.

18. Whenever you meet a man who would make a good husband, you will usually find that he is.

19. Scientists have just discovered something that can do the work of five men - a woman.

20. Husbands are like children - they're fine if they're someone else's.

 

[Westernbiker]

Why do men die first
This is a question that has gone unanswered for centuries..But, now we know.

If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race ... you're a male chauvinist.

If you stay home and do the housework ... you're a pansy.

If you work too hard ... there's never any time for her.

If you don't work enough ... you're a good-for-nothing bum.

If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay ... this is exploitation.

If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay ... you should get off your lazy behind and find something better.

If you get a promotion ahead of her ... that is favoritism.

If she gets a job ahead of you ... it's equal opportunity.

If you mention how nice she looks ... it's sexual harassment.

If you keep quiet ... it's male indifference.

If you cry ... you're a wimp.

If you don't ... you're insensitive.

If you make a decision without consulting her ... you're a chauvinist.

If she makes a decision without consulting you ... she's a liberated woman.

If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy ... that's domination.

If SHE asks you ... it's a favor.

If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear ... you're a pervert.

If you don't ... you're gay.

If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape ... you're sexist.

If you don't ... you're unromantic.

If you try to keep yourself in shape ... you're vain.

If you don't ... you're a slob.

If you buy her flowers ... you're after something.

If you don't ... you're not thoughtful.

If you're proud of your achievements ... you're full of yourself.

If you don't ... you're not ambitious.

If she has a headache ... she's tired.

If you have a headache ... you don't love her anymore.

If you want it too often ... you're oversexed.

If you don't ... there must be someone else.


Bottom Line: Men die first because they want to.

 

[Westernbiker]

Difference Between Man and Woman Showering
How to Shower Like a Woman

1. Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.

2. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

3. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups

4. Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah, and pumice stone.

5. Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.

6. Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.

7. Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced with natural avocado oil. Leave on hair for 15 minutes.

8. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.

9. Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.

10. Rinse conditioner off hair.

11. Shave armpits and legs.

12. Turn off shower.

13. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex.

14. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small country. Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.

15. Check entire body for zits, tweeze hairs.

16. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.

17. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

How To Shower Like a Man

1. Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.

2. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the 'woo-woo' sound.

3. Look at your manly physique in the mirror. Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your a**.

4. Get in the shower.

5. Wash your face

6. Wash your armpits.

7. Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.

8. Make fart noises (real or artificial) and laugh at how loud they sound in the shower.

9. Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.

10. Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap.

11. Shampoo your hair.

12. Make a Shampoo Mohawk.

13. Pee.

14. Rinse off and get out of shower.

15. Partially dry off. Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time.

16. Admire wiener size in mirror again.

17. Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.

18. Return to bedroom with towel around your waist. If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the 'woo-woo' sound again.

19. Throw wet towel on bed.

 

[fuzzy2bucks]

White Wedding Dress


A son asked his mother the following question:
 
 'Mom, why are wedding dresses white?'  The mother looks at her son and  replies:
 
 'Son, this shows your friends and relatives that your bride is pure.'
 
 
 The son thanks his Mom and goes off to double-check this with his father.  

  'Dad why are wedding dresses white?'

  The  father looks at his son in surprise and says:

 
 

  'Son, all household appliances come in white.'







`

[fuzzy2bucks]

How Stimulus really works




It is a slow day in the small Minnesota town of Marshall, and the streets are deserted.
Times are tough, everybody is in debt, and everybody is living on credit.


A rich tourist visiting the area drives through town, stops at the motel, lays a $100 bill on the  desk and says he wants to inspect the rooms upstairs before selecting one for the night.


        1. As soon as he walks upstairs, the motel owner grabs the bill and runs next door to pay his debt to the butcher.


        2. The butcher takes the $100 and runs down the street to retire his debt to the pig farmer.


        3. The pig farmer takes the $100 and heads off to pay his bill to his supplier, the Farmer's Co-op.


        4. The guy at the Farmer's Co-op takes the $100 and runs to pay his debt to the local prostitute, who has also been facing hard times and has had to offer her "services" on credit.


        5. The hooker rushes to the hotel and pays off her room bill with the hotel owner.


        6. The hotel proprietor then places the $100 back on the counter so the rich traveler will not suspect anything.


        At that moment the traveler comes down the stairs, states that the rooms are not satisfactory, picks up the $100 bill and leaves town.

 
        No one produced anything. No one earned anything. However, the whole town
        is now out of debt and looks to the future with a lot more optimism.

        And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how Stimulus works.





`

[Westernbiker]

This is a true story, proving how fascinating the mind of
a six year old is. They think so logically.
A teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class.
She came to the part of the story where first pig was
trying to gather the building materials for his home.
She read. 'And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said:
'Pardon me sir, but  may I have some of that straw to build my house?'
The teacher paused then asked the class:                       
'And what do you think the man said?'
One little boy raised his hand and said very                       
matter-of-factly...'I think the man would have  said - 'I'll be a son of a bitch!! A talking pig!'
The teacher had to leave the room.

[Westernbiker]

Subject: Human Kindness


        Just when you have lost faith in human kindness, someone who teaches

  at Kean

        Elementary in Wooster , Ohio , forwarded the following letter. The
letter

        was sent to the Principal's office after the school had sponsored a

  luncheon

        for the elderly. An old lady received a new radio at the lunch as a door

        prize and was writing to say thank you. This story is a credit to all

        humankind. Forward it to anyone you know who might need a lift today.



      **********


      Dear Kean Elementary:


        God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent senior

  citizens

        luncheon. I am 84 years old and live at the Sprenger Home for the

  Aged. All

        of my family has passed away. I am all alone now and it's nice to

  know that

        someone is thinking of me. God bless you for your kindness to a old

      forgotten lady.


        My roommate is 95 and has always had her own radio, but before I
received

        one, she would never let me listen to hers, even when she was napping.


        The other day her radio fell off the nightstand and broke into a lot of

        pieces. It was awful and she was in tears. Her distress over the broken

        radio touched me and I knew this was God's way of answering my prayers.


        She asked if she could listen to mine, and I told her to kiss my ass.


      Thank you for that opportunity.


      Sincerely,

      Agnes Baker

[Westernbiker]

PG 13

The streaker

Turn up the volume, the guy with the camera is having a ball.
No pun intended!

http://biertijd.com/mediaplayer/?itemid=25318

[fuzzy2bucks]

New Panties



A frustrated wife buys a pair of crotchless panties in an attempt to spice up her dead sex-life.

She puts them on, together with a short skirt and sits on the sofa opposite her husband.

At strategic moments she uncrosses her legs ... enough times that her husband finally asks, "Are you wearing crotchless panties?"






"Y-e-s," she answers with a seductive smile.







"Thank God - I thought you were sitting on the pussy cat."







`

[fuzzy2bucks]

Snoring



A couple has a dog that snores. Annoyed because she can't sleep, the wife goes to the vet to see if he can help.


The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles, and he will stop snoring.
'Yeah right!' she says.


A few minutes after going to bed, the dog begins snoring, as usual. The wife tosses and turns, unable to sleep.
 

Muttering to herself, she goes to the closet and grabs a piece of red ribbon and ties it carefully around the dog's testicles.


Sure enough, the dog stops snoring. The woman is amazed.


Later that night, her husband returns home drunk from being out drinking with his buddies. He climbs into bed, falls asleep and immediately begins snoring loudly.


 
The woman decides maybe the ribbon might work on him too. So, she goes to the closet again, grabs a piece of blue ribbon and ties it around her husband's testicles. Amazingly, it also works on him!


The woman sleeps soundly. The husband wakes from his drunken stupor and stumbles into the bathroom.
 
As he stands in front of the toilet, he glances in the mirror and sees a blue ribbon attached to his privates.

He is very confused, and as he walks back into the bedroom, he sees the red ribbon attached to his dog's testicles.

He shakes his head and looks at the dog and whispers,






'I don't know where we were or what we did last night but, by God we  took FIRST and SECOND place!




`

[Jess from VA]

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if there was sex after death. Their biggest fear was that there was no after-life at all.

 

After a long life together, the husband was the first to die.  True to his word, he made the first contact:

 

"Judy..........Judy"

 

"Is that you, George?"

 

 "Yes, I've come back like we agreed."

 

"That's wonderful!? What's it like?"

 

Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course. I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times. Then I have lunch (you'd be proud - lots of greens). Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's back to golf course again. Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much-needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again"

 

"Oh, George, are you in Heaven?"

 

 “No, I'm a rabbit in Kansas." 

[fuzzy2bucks]

Book Reports



Students at a local school were assigned to read 2 books, 'Titanic' and 'My  Life' by Bill Clinton.
             
One student turned in the following book report,
With the proposition that they were nearly identical stories!

His cool teacher gave him an A+ for this report.


Titanic:..... Cost - $29.99
Clinton:..... Cost - $29.99


Titanic:..... Over 3 hours to read
Clinton:... Over 3 hours to read


Titanic:..... The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.
Clinton:... The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.


Titanic:..... Jack is a starving artist.
Clinton:...... Bill is a bull**** artist.


Titanic:.... In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar.
Clinton:.... Ditto for Bill.


Titanic:..... During the ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined.
Clinton:..... Ditto for Monica.


Titanic:..... Jack teaches Rose to spit.
Clinton:... Let's not go there.


Titanic:.... Rose gets to keep her jewelry.
Clinton:..... Monica' s forced to return her gifts.
 

Titanic:..... Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life.
Clinton:..... Clinton doesn't remember Jack.


Titanic:..... Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen.
Clinton:..... Monica.. Ooh, let's not go there, either.
 

Titanic:..... Jack surrenders to an icy death.
Clinton:...... Bill goes home to Hillary - basically the same thing

 





`

[fuzzy2bucks]

A message from the sermon...



Minister decided that a visual demonstration
would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.


Four worms were placed into four separate jars.

The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.

The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.

The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.

The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.


At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the
following results:

The first worm in alcohol...Dead.
The second worm in cigarette smoke...Dead.
Third worm in chocolate syrup...Dead.
Fourth worm in good clean soil...Alive.

So the Minister asked the congregation,
What did you learn from this
demonstration?

A lady was sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said, well....

'As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!'


. . . my kinda girl....; )

[fuzzy2bucks]

The Polish Divorce


A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl.
 
Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well.

One day he rushed into a lawyer's office
and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him.

 
The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions:
 
Have you any grounds?
Yes, an acre and half and nice little home.

No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?
It made of concrete.

I don't think you understand. Does either of you have a real grudge?
No, we have carport, and not need one.

I mean what are your relations like?
All my relations still in Poland .

Is there any infidelity in your marriage?
We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.

Does your wife beat you up?
No, I always up before her.

Is your wife a nagger?
No, she white.

Why do you want this divorce?
She going to kill me.

What makes you think that?
I got proof.

What kind of proof?

She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read English pretty good, and it say:


*








POLISH REMOVER