Thinking it's time for a joke thread.

[baldo]

A woman is sitting at her recently deceased husband’s funeral.
A man leans in to her and asks, “Do you mind if I say a word?”
“No, go right ahead,” the woman replies.
The man stands, clears his throat, says “Plethora,” and sits back down.
“Thanks,” the woman says, “that means a lot.”

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8eXj97stbG8

[RP#62]

A woman is sitting at her recently deceased husband’s funeral.
A man leans in to her and asks, “Do you mind if I say a word?”
“No, go right ahead,” the woman replies.
The man stands, clears his throat, says “Plethora,” and sits back down.
“Thanks,” the woman says, “that means a lot.”

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8eXj97stbG8

I thought you were going to post this:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P8ROhP_3-Qk

-RP

[baldo]

A woman is sitting at her recently deceased husband’s funeral.
A man leans in to her and asks, “Do you mind if I say a word?”
“No, go right ahead,” the woman replies.
The man stands, clears his throat, says “Plethora,” and sits back down.
“Thanks,” the woman says, “that means a lot.”

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8eXj97stbG8

I thought you were going to post this:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P8ROhP_3-Qk

-RP

Lol...good one

[DIGGER]

The older I get, the more I regret
All the people I've lost over the years.....

Maybe becoming a trail guide wasn't such a good idea
After all.....

[Wizzard]

[DIGGER]

My wife wrecked my brand new corvette yesterday ..... totaled it.    Guess I'll be on the lookout for another one.   Thought I'd put the word out here to see what's available.  Kinda have a thing for Asians but honestly I'm not too picky

[Willow]

Discovered I was putting our last roll of TP into the reserve spot.  Rode to Walmart.  While there I remembered that we had no box of cat litter in reserve.  Went to get a basket and got a 40 pound box of litter. Added the 12 rolls of mega super strong TP and on the way to the checkout discovered a pack of workout socks I should have.

Arrived at checkout with three items totaling almost sixty bucks.  The checker found the mix amusing.

"That's an interesting mix."

"Yes, I'm trying to teach them to wipe their little asses but the claws give them problems."

[John Schmidt]

OK Carl, I'm sitting here trying to read your post to Nancy and she's laughing at me. When I can't stop laughing about something I'm trying to relate to her, she gets more tickled at me than what I'm trying to tell her. Your post fell in that category. 

On the brighter side of things, it did remind me of our need of such supplies as well. When I referred to it as striking paper she had no idea what I was talking about. She's led a protected life I guess...until now. 

[Willow]

OK Carl, I'm sitting here trying to read your post to Nancy and she's laughing at me. ...

Glad to be of service.

[Bret SD]

Something I just saw.. don't know if this was posted here previously:

A man comes home one day and says, "Guess what honey? Pack your bags, I won the lottery!"
The wife squeals with delight and says, "That's great! Should I pack for the mountains or the beach?" He says, "I don't care, just get out!"

[DIGGER]

A Farmer Writing a Romance Novel.....

"Her body tensed and quivered as she felt wave after wave surge through it....
I probably should have told her about the electric fence..."

[RP#62]

I realize this is a joke thread and these aren't necessarily jokes but, some of these are stupidly funny.
Stolen from FB.

THESE ARE ACTUAL COMPLAINTS RECEIVED BY "THOMAS COOK VACATIONS" FROM DISSATISFIED CUSTOMERS:
1. "They should not allow topless sunbathing on the beach. It was very distracting for my husband who just wanted to relax."

2. "On my holiday to Goa in India, I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry. I don't like spicy food."

3. "We went on holiday to Spain and had a problem with the taxi drivers as they were all Spanish."

4. "We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told us we had to bring our own swimsuits and towels. We assumed it would be included in the price."

5. "The beach was too sandy. We had to clean everything when we returned to our room."

6. "We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure shows the sand as white but it was more yellow."

7. "It's lazy of the local shopkeepers in Puerto Vallartato close in the afternoons. I often needed to buy things during 'siesta' time -- this should be banned."

8. "No-one told us there would be fish in the water. The children were scared."

9. "Although the brochure said that there was a fully equipped kitchen, there was no egg-slicer in the drawers."

10. "I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local convenience store does not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger nuts."

11. "The roads were uneven and bumpy, so we could not read the local guide book during the bus ride to the resort. Because of this, we were unaware of many things that would have made our holiday more fun."

12. "It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England. It took the Americans only three hours to get home. This seems unfair."

13. "I compared the size of our one-bedroom suite to our friends' three-bedroom and ours was significantly smaller."

14. "The brochure stated: 'No hairdressers at the resort.' We're trainee hairdressers and we think they knew and made us wait longer for service."

15. "When we were in Spain, there were too many Spanish people there. The receptionist spoke Spanish, the food was Spanish. No one told us that there would be so many foreigners."

16. "We had to line up outside to catch the boat and there was no air-conditioning."

17. "It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or unruly guests before we travel."

18. "I was bitten by a mosquito. The brochure did not mention mosquitoes."

19. "My fiancée and I requested twin-beds when we booked, but instead we were placed in a room with a king bed. We now hold you responsible and want to be re-reimbursed for the fact that I became pregnant. This would not have happened if you had put us in the room that we booked."

 

I found Spain to be kind of like Miami, except more people in Spain spoke english.

-RP

[DIGGER]

You have $400.   
 Your daughter texts you and needs $200 and your son texts you and needs $150.
How much money do you have now?

You have $400 and 2 unread messages.....

[Moonshot_1]

Oh Gawd, can't help myself here...a nod to President Reagan for this one.

A youngster was out in front of the entrance to the Democrat Convention. He had a box of kittens he was trying to sell. He would shout "GET YOUR DEMOCRAT KITTENS HERE! GET YOUR DEMOCRAT KITTENS HERE! ONLY $5"
He sold a few.

Two weeks later the same youngster is out in front of the Republican Convention. He had a bunch of kittens left to sell. He would shout "GET YOUR REPUBLICAN KITTENS HERE! GET YOUR REPUBLICAN KITTENS HERE! ONLY $5"

A reporter who had been covering both conventions asked the boy "I saw you selling these kittens two weeks ago. You said they were Democrat kittens. How come they are Republican kittens now?"

The youngster said "Well, they are older and their eyes are open now."

[DIGGER]

Marriage is like a deck of cards....
In the beginning all you need is a heart and a diamond.
In the end you wish you had a club and a spade

[DIGGER]

What ever happened to Dr Fauci?????

Why he disappeared faster than a Twinkie at a weight watchers meeting.

[ridingron]

My friend says to me: "What rhymes with orange."

I said: "No it doesn't."

[DIGGER]

A police man gets a call from his captain to go checkout a shooting at a residence.   He gets there and knocks on the door and a lady comes to the door and admits she has shot her husband.   He asks her "why did you shoot your husband?"   She responded " I shot him because I had just finished mopping the kitchen floor and he came walking right through the middle of the wet floor".   The policeman called the Captain and told him what had happened and why she had shot her husband.   The Captain said "well...is he deceased or is he still alive?"  The policeman said "I dont know....I'm not going in there to see....the floor is still wet".

[John Schmidt]

A guy hires a handyman and gives him a list of 6 things to take care of around the house while he's at work. When he gets home from work he sees the handyman only did items 1, 3, & 5. Handyman said he only does odd jobs. 

[Jess from VA]

Although the brochure said that there was a fully equipped kitchen, there was no egg-slicer in the drawers."[/color]

That's crazy.  I would never keep an egg slicer in my drawers.

[DIGGER]

Two hunters went out into the mountains on a hunting trip and got disoriented and lost.  It was getting late in the evening and they were getting worried and decided they needed to do something to summons help.  One of the guys said " I always heard that the universal woodsman 'help' signal is to shoot three times into the air".    The other guy said "yeah I've heard that also" and he shot three times into the air.   They waited about thirty minutes and shot three times in the air and again thirty minutes later.   After a couple more times one of the guys said " I think we should shoot 3 more times again."  The other guy said "I hope it works this time....I'm just about out of arrows."

[DIGGER]

When you buy a Ferrari after retirement.....

https://youtube.com/shorts/SHgCP_gHOuU?feature=share

[DIGGER]

Biden at press conference......

"Honest....I thought I was buying Viagra from the Chinese.....they said
'You give us money ...we fix erection for you...'"

[John Schmidt]

A woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Arizona when her car broke down. An American Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town.
She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off. The ride was uneventful, except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!' so loud that it echoed from the surrounding hills and canyon walls.
When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, yelled one final 'Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!' and rode off.
"What did you do to get that Indian so excited?" asked the service-station attendant. "Nothing," the woman answered "I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto the saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off."
"Lady," the attendant said, "Indians don't use saddles."

[DIGGER]

Married lady talking.....

My husband has been tired of my recent mood swings so he bought me a "Mood Ring" so he can monitor the swings.    For instance when I'm in a good mood it turns green.... when I'm mad it leaves a big red mark on his friggin forehead....

[Willow]

A woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Arizona ...

"Lady," the attendant said, "Indians don't use saddles."

Someone ruined that joke for you.  Driving indicates modern day times.  Current day Indians are as likely to ride on saddles as are pale skinned cowboys.   

[John Schmidt]

A woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Arizona ...

"Lady," the attendant said, "Indians don't use saddles."

Someone ruined that joke for you.  Driving indicates modern day times.  Current day Indians are as likely to ride on saddles as are pale skinned cowboys.   

Yes that thought did occur to me but I figured maybe things are different in remote areas of Arizona. Besides, not everyone has that critical eye that some bewhiskered folk do. 

[da prez]

It's a J O K E 

[Moonshot_1]

A woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Arizona ...

"Lady," the attendant said, "Indians don't use saddles."

Someone ruined that joke for you.  Driving indicates modern day times.  Current day Indians are as likely to ride on saddles as are pale skinned cowboys.   

Maybe it is a "remote part of Arizona" thing. And I'm sure the Indian wouldn't use a saddle to help with Climate Change.

[Willow]

A woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Arizona ...

"Lady," the attendant said, "Indians don't use saddles."

Someone ruined that joke for you.  Driving indicates modern day times.  Current day Indians are as likely to ride on saddles as are pale skinned cowboys.   

Maybe it is a "remote part of Arizona" thing. And I'm sure the Indian wouldn't use a saddle to help with Climate Change.

LOL, folks.  It's an old joke.  Someone along the way added the lady from New York driving which ruined the context of the joke.   

[John Schmidt]

OLD joke? Almost as old as this discussion re. said joke! I guess I was in grade school the first time I heard it, about 6th grade. My mom was my teacher when I shared it with her during recess, my face stung for at least 30 minutes. Not nearly as long as my butt stung after dad got home...he was the School Superintendent. Double jeopardy for sure. 

[Willow]

OLD joke? Almost as old as this discussion re. said joke! I guess I was in grade school the first time I heard it, about 6th grade. My mom was my teacher when I shared it with her during recess, my face stung for at least 30 minutes. Not nearly as long as my butt stung after dad got home...he was the School Superintendent. Double jeopardy for sure. 

They were driving when you were in grade school?   

[John Schmidt]

OLD joke? Almost as old as this discussion re. said joke! I guess I was in grade school the first time I heard it, about 6th grade. My mom was my teacher when I shared it with her during recess, my face stung for at least 30 minutes. Not nearly as long as my butt stung after dad got home...he was the School Superintendent. Double jeopardy for sure. 

They were driving when you were in grade school?   

Oh yeah...giddyup!     My first car wasn't a team of oxen.

[DIGGER]

Funny how drinking 8 glasses of water a day seems almost impossible.....
but 8 cups of coffee goes down like a chubby kid on a see-saw....


I worry about the safety of my children....
Especially the one that is rolling his eyes and talking back right now.....

[DIGGER]

My tolerance for idiots is extremely low these days. I used to have some

 immunity built up, but obviously, there's a new strain out there.

[DIGGER]

wierd wierd wierd......

https://www.youtube.com/shorts/YtpDxiQqizM

[DIGGER]

Hey dude......if you are going to freak out everytime we get put in handcuffs....maybe we shoildnt hang out together.....

[DIGGER]

SENIOR TRYING TO RESET PASSWORD
WINDOWS: Please enter your new password
USER: cabbage
WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must be more than 8 characters.
USER: boiled cabbage
WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must contain 1 numerical character.
USER: 1 boiled cabbage
WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot have blank spaces.
USER: 50damnboiledcabbages
WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must contain at least one upper case character
USER: 50DAMNboiledcabbages
WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot use more than one upper case character consecutively.
USER: 50damnBoiledCabbagesShovedUp YourbuttIfYouDon'GiveMeAccessNow!
WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot contain punctuation.
USER:ReallyPissedOff50DamnBoiledCabbagesShovedUp YourbuttIfYouDontGiveMeAccessNow
WINDOWS: Sorry, that password is already in use.

[da prez]

  So I go to visit great grandpa  at his off grid cabin in the middle of nowhere.  He insist I stay for lunch. I offer to set the table.  Grandpa , do you need me to wash the dishes. No , its as clean as cold water can get them.
  So we eat our stew and talk.
 Grandpa , do you want me to do the dishes.  No, its a job for cold water. He whistles and the dog comes over as grandpa puts the dishes on the floor.  Cold water has to earn his keep.  

                                      da prez

[John Schmidt]

Yeah? Well my dad was so tough he could stick his right hand in his left hip pocket and hold himself out at arm's length!