Thinking it's time for a joke thread.

[da prez]

  My dad can beat up your dad. SO what , so can my mom!

                                           da prez

[RP#62]

The words for "non binary" in Spanish are  "no binario" or "no binaria" depending on one's gender.

That one always makes me smile.

-RP

[DIGGER]

Brain cells die...skin cells die....even hair cells die............

But FAT CELLS must have accepted Jesus because they seem to have eternal life!!!

[ridingron]

Husband...Here, I'd like you to have my grandmother's bracelet.

Wife...Why does it say "Do Not Resuscitate?"

[Bret SD]

Had to post this here.. Ha frickin Ha
Ha...

https://www.youtube.com/shorts/FTt6gZlrYmc?feature=share

[bassman]

“After being married for 50 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day and said, ‘Fifty years ago we had a cheap house, a junk car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep with a hot 23-year-old girl every night.
Now, I have a $500,000 home, a $45,000 car, a nice big bed and a large screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 69-year-old woman. It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of things.’
My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 23-year-old girl and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap house, driving a junk car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.
Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve an old guy's problems.”

[DIGGER]

Let me let you in on a little secret....

Wanna know how to make a woman go Mmmmmm...mmmmm....mmmm all night long?
Duct tape.

[DIGGER]

The two unwritten rules of life:
1).
2).

[RP#62]

If you're attacked by a troop of clowns, go for the juggler.


-RP

[signart]

The two unwritten rules of life:
1).
2).

Two reasons to stop at Buc-ee's
1).
2).

[DIGGER]

All I want is a two income household...
And to live alone.

[DIGGER]

I'm getting totally fed up with people whining about the price of things....
$2.50 for iced tea.....$3.50 for coffee.....$4.00 for a slice of cake.....and $5.00 for parking.
Any more complaining and I'm going to stop inviting people over.

[bassman]

https://1funny.com/i-dont-look-good-naked-anymore/

[da prez]

  Dr. Phil says "the ugly stick will hit everyone eventually".

               da prez

[signart]

https://1funny.com/i-dont-look-good-naked-anymore/

I have a friend that looks exactly like that guy. I sent him that video about two months ago.
I haven't heard from my friend in two months. no kidding

[DIGGER]

Manoman....

https://fb.watch/nsro3CX4Cx/?mibextid=3mALyM

[DIGGER]

Dad Jokes:   Here's an example.

What do you get from a dwarf cow?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Condensed Milk!   

Rams

Ha

[DIGGER]

Saved some money on Halloween candy this year by buying it at Aldi's.   Hope the neighborhood kids like
"Skattles...Snackers...and 4 Muscateers".

[f6gal]

An old, blind Marine wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,
'Before you tell that joke I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:
The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
The bouncer is a blonde girl.
I'm a 6-foot-tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.
The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
Now, think about it seriously, do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?'
The blind Marine thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters, 'No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.

Not an original but still cute.  That is unless you're married to a blonde like I am.   Thankfully, she doesn't check this forum. 

Rams

I thought your wife is a red-head.

[Willow]

I thought your wife is a red-head.

Apparently you haven't met all his wives.   

[DIGGER]

A Little Poem For Seniors, so true it hurts!
Another year has passed And we're all a little older.
Last summer felt hotter
And winter seems much colder.
There was a time not long ago
When life was quite a blast.
Now I fully understand
About 'Living in the Past' We used to go to weddings, Football games and lunches..
Now we go to funeral homes And after-funeral brunches.
We used to go out dining, And couldn't get our fill.
Now we ask for doggie bags, Come home and take a pill.
We used to often travel To places near and far.
Now we get sore asses
From riding in the car.
We used to go to nightclubs And drink a little booze.
Now we stay home at night
And watch the evening news.
That, my friend is how life is, And now my tale is told.
So, enjoy each day and live it up...
Before you're too cursed old!

[John Schmidt]

A Little Poem For Seniors, so true it hurts!
Another year has passed And we're all a little older.
Last summer felt hotter
And winter seems much colder.
There was a time not long ago
When life was quite a blast.
Now I fully understand
About 'Living in the Past' We used to go to weddings, Football games and lunches..
Now we go to funeral homes And after-funeral brunches.
We used to go out dining, And couldn't get our fill.
Now we ask for doggie bags, Come home and take a pill.
We used to often travel To places near and far.
Now we get sore asses
From riding in the car.
We used to go to nightclubs And drink a little booze.
Now we stay home at night
And watch the evening news.
That, my friend is how life is, And now my tale is told.
So, enjoy each day and live it up...
Before you're too cursed old!

Digger...I don't meet those specs just yet but assume my time is coming one day. 

[DIGGER]

A Little Poem For Seniors, so true it hurts!
Another year has passed And we're all a little older.
Last summer felt hotter
And winter seems much colder.
There was a time not long ago
When life was quite a blast.
Now I fully understand
About 'Living in the Past' We used to go to weddings, Football games and lunches..
Now we go to funeral homes And after-funeral brunches.
We used to go out dining, And couldn't get our fill.
Now we ask for doggie bags, Come home and take a pill.
We used to often travel To places near and far.
Now we get sore asses
From riding in the car.
We used to go to nightclubs And drink a little booze.
Now we stay home at night
And watch the evening news.
That, my friend is how life is, And now my tale is told.
So, enjoy each day and live it up...
Before you're too cursed old!

Digger...I don't meet those specs just yet but assume my time is coming one day. 

Im getting there...ha

[ridingron]

We must all do our bit for the planet. You know, all the little things, turning off lights, resetting the thermostat and unplugging items when not in use. I'm trying to do my part.  I just unplugged a row of electric cars that no one was using.

[0leman]

We must all do our bit for the planet. You know, all the little things, turning off lights, resetting the thermostat and unplugging items when not in use. I'm trying to do my part.  I just unplugged a row of electric cars that no one was using.

 

[RNFWP]

My wife just sent this to me...



I replied... Oh my, same thing is happening with eBay and Walmart. 

[ridingron]

 I too was once a male trapped in a female body . . . but then my mother gave birth.

[ridingron]

 The biggest joke on mankind is that computers have begun asking humans to prove they aren't a robot!

[ridingron]

You know you are getting old when 'friends with benefits' means knowing someone who can drive at night.

[ridingron]

It's weird being the same age as old people.

[baldo]

[John Schmidt]

The chicken story reminds me of my time in about either kindergarten or 1st grade. Dad was the school superintendent at the time and just so happened his office was in the same bldg. as my classroom. For some reason I spent a fair share of time in his office...in the closet with him where he hung the "instrument of discipline." I found out from the two gals in his office that he never used it on anyone else so I decided to take things into my own hands. I kept track of the days he went to other schools in the district and sneaked into the closet with his office help turning their backs. I took the paddle and went down to the woodworking shop which dad also taught(was WWII so he wore many hats). I ran it through a thing used to grind up scrap wood, collected the dust in a small bag and hung it back up in the closet. He had no doubt who did it but the girls never ratted me out, saying it must have been during the lunch hour. He finally questioned me about my behavior re. why I got sent to his office so often, told me it bothered him that he had to discipline me so much. I told him he ought to try disciplining the teacher and at least listen to me when I try to explain. A couple days later I was moved to a different area of the room and the following year that teacher wasn't there. He told me many years later she had many complaints from other parents about how she handled students...I just happened to get his "personal" attention.

[bassman]

You know what's funny?

Paintings of Adam and Eve where they both have belly buttons.

Think about that.  Take as much time as you need.

[Moonshot_1]

You know what's funny?

Paintings of Adam and Eve where they both have belly buttons.

Think about that.  Take as much time as you need.

God made them. Umbilical cord direct from God I guess.

[John Schmidt]

My trip to Market Basket

Yesterday I was at my local Market Basket buying a large bag of Purina Dog Chow for my loyal pets, Betty & Pook, the Wonder Dogs, and was in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think...I had an elephant?

So, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stopped to pee on a fire hydrant and a car hit me.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack. He was laughing so hard.

Market Basket won't let me shop there anymore.

Ron, I thought it was because when you tried to lick yourself you kept falling off the chair. 

[RP#62]

The CIA has an opening for an assassin.  There are three finalists.  Their last test is to see if they will obey orders without question.  The first applicant is handed a gun and told to go into the room and to shoot his wife.  Without going in he says I can't do that.  The CIA officer tells him to get his wife and leave.  The second finalist is handed the gun and told the same thing.  He enters the room but comes out immediately and says I can't shoot my wife.  He is also told to gather his wife and go home.  The third finalist is handed the gun and given the same instructions as the others.  He goes in and closes the door.  Immediately, several gun shots are heard then some silence, then some kind of struggle and pounding on the wall.  Finally the candidate emerges from the room all sweaty and a little beat up.  The CIA officer says is everything OK?  The candidate replies, some jackass put blanks in the gun, so I had to strangle the bi^ch.


-RP

[ridingron]

3 strikes and I'm out of the cooking business. 

[John Schmidt]

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

“What are you doing?” She asked.

“Hunting Flies” He responded.

“Oh. Killing any?” She asked.

“Yep, 3 males, 2 Females,” he replied.

Intrigued, she asked. “How can you tell them apart?”

He responded, “3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone.”

[/color]

That reminds me of an amusing thing that appeared at my eldest daughter's burial. The casket was open for a short time and my former wife(her mother) and I were the last viewers before it was closed and lowered. There, in my daughter's hands, was her cell phone. When asked, my son-in-law said he wanted to be sure God recognized her since he never could unless she had a phone in her hand. 

[John Schmidt]

I heard by law you're supposed to turn on your headlights when it's raining in Sweden. That really bothers me...how am I supposed to know when it's raining is Sweden?

[ridingron]

If I had 50 cents for every math test I flunked I'd have $8.37.