Just to make you feel better (HUMOR)

[Westernbiker]

And Then There Were Pets

A newly discovered chapter in the Book of Genesis has provided the answer to "Where do pets come from?"

Adam and Eve said, 'Lord, when we were in the garden, You walked with us every day. Now we do not see You anymore. We are lonesome here and it is difficult for us to remember how much You love us."

And God said, "No problem! I will create a companion for you that will be with you forever and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourselves."

And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve.

And it was a good animal. And God was pleased. And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve And he wagged his tail.

And Adam said, "Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal."

And God said, "No problem. Because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of My love for you, his name will be a reflection of My own name, and you will call him DOG."

And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them and loved them. And they were comforted. And God was pleased. And Dog was content And Dog wagged his tail.

After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and said, "Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride. They strut and preen like peacocks and they believe they are worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught them that they are loved, but perhaps too well."

And God said, "No problem! I will create for them a companion who will be with them forever and who will see them as they are The companion will remind them of their limitations, so they will know that they are not \always worthy of adoration." And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve.

And Cat would not obey them. And when Adam and Eve gazed into Cat's eyes, they were reminded that they were not the supreme beings.

And Adam and Eve learned humility. And they were greatly improved. And God was pleased. And Dog was happy.

And Cat didn't give a crap one way or the other.

[Westernbiker]

Hell

One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell. Walking around, he runs into the devil.

Devil: Why are you so sad?

Guy: Why do you think? I'm in hell.

Devil: Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinkin' man?

Guy: Sure, I love to drink.

Devil: Well you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays, all we do is drink. Whiskey,
tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, Diet Tab. We drink until we get sick and then we drink
some more.

Guy: Gee, that sounds great.

Devil: You a smoker?

Guy: You better believe it.

Devil: All right! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from around the world and smoke our friggin' lungs out.  If you get cancer, it's okay -- you're already dead.

Guy: Man!

Devil: I bet you like to gamble, too.

Guy: Yes, as a matter of fact I do.

Devil: Good, because Wednesday is gambling day. Craps, blackjack, horse races, you name it. You like to do drugs?

Guy: Yes, I love to do drugs. You don't mean...?

Devil: That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack. Smoke a doobie the size of the Titanic. You can do all the drugs you want, and you'll never die -- you're already dead!

Guy: Wow! I never realized hell was such a happenin' place!

Devil: You gay?

Guy: No.

Devil: Oh, you're gonna hate Fridays.

[fuzzy2bucks]

Updated Medical Dictionary

 
Artery.............................. The study of paintings


Bacteria.......................... Back door to cafeteria

 
Barium............................ What doctors do when patients die

 
Benign............................ What you be, after you be eight

 
Caesarean Section......       A neighborhood in  Rome

 
Cat scan........................ Searching for Kitty

 
Cauterize....................... Made eye contact with her

 
Colic...............................A sheep dog

 
Coma............................ A punctuation mark


 
Dilate............................. To live long


 
Enema............................Not a friend


 
Fester............................ Quicker than someone else


 
Fibula............................ A small lie


 
Impotent........................Distinguished, well known


 
Labor Pain.................    Getting hurt at work


Medical Staff...............   A Doctor's cane

 
Morbid........................... A higher offer

 
Nitrates.......................... Cheaper than day rates
 
Node................................ I knew it


Outpatient..................... A person who has fainted


Pelvis................. .......... Second cousin to Elvis


Post Operative............   A letter carrier

 
Recovery Room..........   Place to do upholstery

 
Rectum.......................... ****** near killed him

 
Secretion....................... Hiding something

 
Seizure........................   Roman emperor

 
Tablet...........................   A small table

 
Terminal Illness..........    Getting sick at the airport


Tumor...........................  One plus one more

 
Urine.............................  Opposite of you're out









`

[Westernbiker]

HMO Manager

Two doctors and an HMO manager died and lined up at the pearly gates for   admission to heaven.

St. Peter asked them to identify themselves.   

One doctor stepped forward and said, "I was a pediatric spine surgeon and helped kids overcome their deformities."   

St. Peter said, "You can enter."   

The second doctor said, "I was a psychiatrist. I helped people rehabilitate themselves."   

St. Peter also invited him in.   

The third applicant stepped forward and said, "I was an HMO manager and   helped people get cost-effective health care."   

St. Peter said, "You can come in too."   

As the HMO manager walked by, St. Peter quietly added, "But you can only stay three days... After that you can go to hell."

[Westernbiker]

Nun

A guy is walking up to a doctor's office when a nun comes running out screaming and crying.

The guy walks in and says, "Doc, what's with the nun?"

The doctor says, "Oh, I just told her she's pregnant."

The guy says, "The nun's pregnant?"

The doctor says, "No. But it certainly cured her hiccups!"

[Westernbiker]

Rules Of The Road In Florida

1. Turn signals will give away your next move. A real Florida driver never uses them.

2. Under no circumstance should you leave a safe distance between you and the car in front of you, or the space will be filled in by somebody else, putting you in an even more dangerous situation.

3. The faster you drive through a red light, the smaller the chance you have of getting hit.

4. Never, ever come to a complete stop at a stop sign. No one expects it and it will result in you being rear-ended.

5. Never get in the way of an older car that needs extensive bodywork, especially someone from Florida or Georgia. With no-fault insurance the other guy doesn't have anything to lose.

6. Braking is to be done as hard and late as possible to ensure that your ABS kicks in, giving a nice, relaxing foot massage as the brake pedal pulsates. For those of you without ABS, it's a chance to stretch your legs.

7. Never pass on the left when you can pass on the right. It's a good way to prepare for people entering the highway.

8. Speed limits are arbitrary figures, given only as a suggestion and are apparently not enforceable in any County during rush hour.

9. Just because you're in the left lane and have no room to speed up or move over doesn't mean that a Florida driver flashing his high beams behind you doesn't think he can go faster in your spot.

10. Always slow down and rubberneck when you see an accident or even someone changing a tire. This is seen as a sign of respect for the victim.

11. Learn to swerve abruptly. Florida is the home of high-speed slalom driving.

12. It is traditional in Florida to honk your horn at cars that don't move the instant the light turns green.

13. Remember that the goal of every Florida driver is to get there first by whatever means necessary.

14. In Florida, 'flipping someone the bird' is considered a polite salute. This gesture should always be returned.

[Westernbiker]

Bubba & Earl

Two rednecks, Bubba and Earl, were driving down the road drinking a couple of bottles of Bud.

The passenger, Bubba, said "Lookey thar up ahead, Earl, it's a police roadblock!! We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here beers!!"

"Don't worry, Bubba," Earl said. "We'll just pull over and finish drinkin' these beers then peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, and throw the bottles under the seat."

"What fer?", asked Bubba.

"Just let me do the talkin', OK?," said Earl.

Well, they finished their beers, threw the empties out of sight & put label on each of their foreheads.

When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, "You boys been drinkin'?"

"No, sir," said Earl while pointing at the labels. "We're on the patch."

[fuzzy2bucks]

A RETIREMENT PARTY




When Charles deGaulle decided to retire from public life, the British ambassador and his wife threw a gala dinner party in his honor. At the dinner table the Ambassador's wife was talking with Madame deGaulle.



"Your husband has been such a prominent public figure, such a presence on the French and International scene for so many years! How quiet retirement will seem in comparison. What are you most looking forward to in these retirement years Madame?"



 
"A penis," replied Madame deGaulle.


 
A huge hush fell over the table. Everyone heard her answer and no one knew what to say next.
Le Grand Charles leaned over to his wife and said, "Mon cherie, I believe ze English pronounce zat word, 'appiness!'"











`

[Westernbiker]

What A Woman Says (Translated)

"This place is a mess! C'mon!
You and I need to clean up!
Your stuff is lying on the floor and
you'll have no clothes to wear if we
don't do laundry right now!"

What a man hears

blah, blah, blah, blah, C'MON
blah, blah, blah, blah, YOU AND I
blah, blah, blah, blah, ON THE FLOOR
blah, blah, blah, blah, NO CLOTHES
blah, blah, blah, blah, RIGHT NOW!

[Westernbiker]

If Men wrote Cosmo

Q: My husband wants to experience three-in-a-bed-sex with me and my sister.
A: Your husband is clearly devoted to you. He cannot get enough of you, so he goes for the next best thing your sister. Far from being an issue, this will bring all of the family together. Why not get some cousins involved? If you are still apprehensive, then let him go with your relatives, buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal and don't mention this aspect of his behavior.

Q: My husband continually asks me to perform oral sex with him.
A: Do it. Sperm is not only great tasting, but has only 10 calories a spoonful. It is nutritious and helps you to keep your figure and gives a great glow to the skin. Interestingly, a man knows this. His offer to you to perform oral sex with him is totally selfless. Oral sex is extremely painful for a man. This shows he loves you. Best thing to do is to thank him, buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal.

Q: My husband has too many nights out with the boys.
A: This is perfectly natural behavior - and it should be encouraged. The man is a hunter and he needs to prove his prowess with other men. Far from being pleasurable, a night out with the boys is a stressful affair, and to get back to you is a relief for your partner. Just look back at how emotional and happy the man is when he returns to his stable home. Best thing to do is to buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal and don't mention this aspect of his behavior.

Q: My husband doesn't know where my smile is.
A: Your smile is of no concern to your husband. If you must mess with it, do it in your own time. To help with the family budget you may wish to video tape yourself while doing this, and to sell it at flea markets. To ease your selfish guilt, buy your man a nice expensive present, and cook him a delicious meal.

Q: My husband is uninterested in foreplay.
A: Foreplay to a man is very hurtful. What it means is that you do not love your man as much as you should - he has to work a lot to get you in the mood. Abandon all wishes in this area, and make it up to him by buying a nice expensive present, and cooking a nice meal.

Q: My husband has never given me an orgasm.
A: The female orgasm is a myth. It is fostered by militant, man-hating feminists and is a danger to the family unit. Don't mention it again to him and show your love to him by buying a nice expensive present and don't forget to cook him a delicious meal.

[Westernbiker]

Prayers

A Girls Prayer

Lord, Before I lay me down to sleep,

I pray for a man, who's not a creep,

One who's handsome, smart and strong,

One who's willy is thick and long.

One who thinks before he speaks,

When he promises to call, he won't wait weeks.

I pray that he is gainfully employed,

And when I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.

Pulls out my chair and opens my door,

Massages my back and begs to do more.

Oh! send me a man who'll make love to my mind,

Knows just what to say, when I ask "How big's my behind?"

One who'll make love till my body's a twitching,

In the hall, the loo, the garden and kitchen!

I pray that this man will love me to no end,

And never attempt to f*ck my best friend.

And as I kneel and pray by my bed,

I look at the dork you sent me instead.

Amen.

A Boy's Prayer

Lord, I pray for a nympho

with huge boobs

who owns a liquor store.

Amen

[Westernbiker]

The Beer Effect

Yesterday, scientists for Health Canada suggested that men should take a look at their beer consumption, considering the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer.

The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women.

To test the finding, 100 men were fed 6 pints of beer each.

It was then observed that 100% of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn't drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing, and refused to apologize when wrong.

No further testing is planned.

[bigguy]

HOMELESS MAN'S FUNERAL (Stolen errrr borrowed from the MOOT board.)

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Kentucky back country.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions.

I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.

I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends.
I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.

And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

Apparently I'm still lost.... it's a man thing.

[fuzzy2bucks]

Coat Hanger


Two blondes were in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger.


They tried and tried to get the door open, but they couldn't.

The girl with the coat hanger stopped for a moment to catch her breath, and her friend said anxiously, "Hurry up! It's starting to rain and the top is down."








`

[Westernbiker]

Winston Churchill Quotes

"When I am abroad I always make it a rule never to criticize or attack the Government of my country. I make up for lost time when I am at home."

"A sheep in sheep's clothing"
On Clement Atlee

"A modest man, who has much to be modest about"
On Clement Atlee

"An empty taxi arrived at 10 Downing Street, and when the door was opened, Atlee got out"
On Clement Atlee

"I wish Stanley Baldwin no ill, but it would have been much better if he had never lived"
On Stanley Baldwin

"He occasionally stumbled over the truth, but hastily picked himself up and hurried on as if nothing had happened"
On Stanley Baldwin

"He looked at foreign affairs through the wrong end of a municipal drainpipe"
On Neville Chamberlain

Lady Astor to Churchill "Winston, if you were my husband I would flavor your coffee with poison"
Churchill: "Madam, if I were your husband, I should drink it"

Bessie Braddock to Churchill "Winston, your drunk!"
Churchill: "Bessie, you're ugly, and tomorrow morning I shall be sober"

"What could you hope to achieve except to be sunk in a bigger and more expensive ship this time"
On Admiral Mountbatten

[Westernbiker]

Titanic Video vs Clinton Video

TITANIC VIDEO: $9.99 on Internet.
CLINTON VIDEO: $9.99 on Internet.

TITANIC VIDEO: Over 3 hours long.
CLINTON VIDEO: Over 3 hours long.

TITANIC VIDEO: The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, a subsequent catastrophe.
CLINTON VIDEO: The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, a subsequent catastrophe.

TITANIC VIDEO: Villain: White Star Line.
CLINTON VIDEO: Villain: Ken Starr.

TITANIC VIDEO: Jack is a starving artist.
CLINTON VIDEO: Bill is a B.S. artist.

TITANIC VIDEO: In one part, Jack enjoys a good cigar.
CLINTON VIDEO: Ditto for Bill.

TITANIC VIDEO: During ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined.
CLINTON VIDEO: Ditto for Monica.

TITANIC VIDEO: Jack teaches Rose to spit.
CLINTON VIDEO: Let's not go there.

TITANIC VIDEO: Rose gets to keep her jewelry.
CLINTON VIDEO: Monica's forced to return her gifts.

TITANIC VIDEO: Behind the scenes: Leonardo DiCaprio is wildly popular.
CLINTON VIDEO: Behind the scenes: Bill Clinton's approval rating is at 70 percent.

TITANIC VIDEO: Jack surrenders to an icy death.
CLINTON VIDEO: Bill goes home to Hillary

[Westernbiker]

Quayle Quotes

"I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the only regret I have was that I didn't study Latin harder in school so I could converse with those people."

"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."

"Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child."

"Welcome to President Bush, Mrs. Bush, and my fellow astronauts."

"Mars is essentially in the same orbit... Mars is somewhat the same distance from the Sun, which is very important. We have seen pictures where there are canals, we believe, and water. If there is water, that means there is oxygen. If oxygen, that means we can breathe."

"What a waste it is to lose one's mind. Or not to have a mind is being very wasteful. How true that is."

"The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history. I mean in this century's history. But we all lived in this century. I didn't live in this century."

"I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy - but that could change."

"One word sums up probably the responsibility of any vice president, and that one word is 'to be prepared'."

"May our nation continue to be the beakon of hope to the world."
[The Quayles' 1989 Christmas card. [Not a beacon of literacy, though.]

"Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things." -- Vice President

"We don't want to go back to tomorrow, we want to go forward."

"I have made good judgments in the Past. I have made good judgments in the Future."

"The future will be better tomorrow."

"We're going to have the best-educated American people in the world."

"People that are really very weird can get into sensitive positions and have a tremendous impact on history."

"I stand by all the misstatements that I've made."

"We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a *part* of NATO. We have a firm commitment to Europe. We are a *part* of Europe."

"Public speaking is very easy."

"I am not part of the problem. I am a Republican."

"I love California, I practically grew up in Phoenix."

"A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls."

"When I have been asked during these last weeks who caused the riots and the killing in L.A., my answer has been direct and simple: Who is to blame for the riots? The rioters are to blame. Who is to blame for the killings? The killers are to blame."

"Illegitimacy is something we should talk about in terms of not having it."

"Murphy Brown is doing better than I am. At least she knows she still has a job next year."

"We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur."

"For NASA, space is still a high priority."

"Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children."

"The American people would not want to know of any misquotes that Dan Quayle may or may not make."

"We're all capable of mistakes, but I do not care to enlighten you on the mistakes we may or may not have made."

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."

"[It's] time for the human race to enter the solar system."

[fuzzy2bucks]

Snow on Ruby Ridge


I just got off the phone with a friend on Ruby Ridge ...


He said that since early this morning the snow has been nearly waist high and is still falling. The temperature is dropping below zero and the north wind is increasing
 
 
His wife has done nothing but look through the kitchen window all day.
 

He says that if it gets much worse, he may have to let her in.










`

[fuzzy2bucks]

New Cocktail



A guy walks into a bar, sits down, and asks, "Bartender, got any
specials today?"


Bartender answers, "Yes, as a matter of fact we have a new
drink, invented by a gynecologist patron of ours.



It's a mix of Pabst Blue Ribbon Beer and Smirnoff Vodka."



The guy asks, "Good grief, what do you call that?"



The bartender replied, "It's a . . . . .     "Pabst Smir."









`

[fuzzy2bucks]

Haircut for Staff Meetings













`

[fuzzy2bucks]

Taxi Driver goes to Heaven




A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates.


     Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.


     Saint Peter addresses the man wearing somewhat sloppy clothes, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?"


     The guy replies, "I'm Jack Thomas Jr., taxi-driver, of Noo Yawk City."


     Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi-driver, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."


     The taxi-driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff. Then it's the minister's turn. He stands up tall and booms out, "I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Saint Mary's Church, for the last forty-three years."


     Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of  Heaven."


     "Just a minute," says the minister. "That man before me was a taxi-driver, and he gets a silken robe and golden staff.

Why, How can this be?"


    Saint Peter, looks to the preacher and says,

     "Up here, we work by results,"



"While you preached, people slept. While Jack drove, people prayed."











`   

[fuzzy2bucks]

How Smart Is Your Right Foot?



This is so funny that it will boggle your mind.

And you will keep trying it at least 10 more times to see

if you can outsmart your foot. But you can't!!!




1. While sitting at your desk or in a chair, lift your right foot off the floor and make clockwise circles with it.


2. Now, while doing this, draw the number "6" in the air with your right hand. Your foot will change direction !








`

[Westernbiker]

Top 25 Country Classics

25. Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth 'Cause I'm Kissing You Goodbye.
24. Her Teeth Was Stained, But Her Heart Were Pure.
23. How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?
22. I Don't Know Whether To Kill Myself Or Go Bowling.
21. I Just Bought A Car From A Guy That Stole My Girl, But The Car Don’t Run So I Figure We're Even. 20. I Keep Forgettin' I Forgot About You.
19. I Liked You Better Before I Knew You So Well.
18. I Still Miss You, Baby, But My Aim's Gettin' Better.
17. I Wouldn't Take Her To A Dog Fight, Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win.
16. I'll Marry You Tomorrow But Let's Honeymoon Tonight.
15. I'm So Miserable Without You, It's Like Having You Here
14. I've Got Tears In My Ears From Lyin' On My Back and Cryin' Over You.
13. If I Can't Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You.
12. If I Had Shot You When I Wanted To, I'd Be Out By Now.
11. Mama Get A Hammer (There's A Fly On Papa's Head).
10. My Head Hurts, My Feet Stink, And I Don't Love You.
9. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend And I Sure Do Miss Him.
8. Please Bypass This Heart.
7. She Got The Ring And I Got The Finger.
6. You Done Tore Out My Heart And Stomped That Sucker Flat.
5. You're The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly.
4. If the Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me.
3. She's Actin' Single and I'm Drinkin' Doubles.
2. She's Looking Better After Every Beer.
And the Number 1 Country and Western song of all Time is...I Haven't Gone To Bed With Any Ugly Women But I've Sure Woke Up With A Few

[Westernbiker]

Top Ten Times In History When Using The 'F' Word Was Appropriate

10th 'Scattered ****ing showers my ass!'
- Noah 4314BC

9th 'How the **** did you work that out?'
- Pythagoras 126BC

8th 'You want WHAT on the ****ing ceiling?'
- Michelangelo 1566

7th 'Where did all those ***ing Indians come from?'
- Custer 1877

6th 'It does so ****ing look like her!'
- Picasso 1826

5th ' Where the **** are we?'
- Amelia Earhart 1937

4th 'Any ****ing idiot could understand that
- Einstein 1938

3rd 'What the **** was that?'
- Mayor of Hiroshima 1945

2nd 'I need this parade like I need a ****ing hole in the
head!'
- JFK 1963

And .... drum roll ....

The number 1 most appropriate time for using the 'F' word is..........

'Aw c'mon. Who the **** is going to find out?'
- Bill Clinton 1997

[fuzzy2bucks]

That's another good one!

[fuzzy2bucks]

Alaska Bear Hunting



The Pope went on vacation for a few days to visit the rugged mountains of  Alaska .



He was cruising along the campground in the Pope-Mobile when he heard a frantic commotion just at the edge of the woods. He found a helpless Yuppie wearing shorts, sandals, a 'Vote for whoever' hat and a 'Save the Trees' shirt.



The man was screaming and struggling frantically, thrashing all about, and trying to free himself from the grasp of a 10-foot grizzly bear.



As the Pope watched in horror, a group of Burely loggers wearing 'Go Sarah' shirts came racing up. One quickly fired a 44 magnum slug right into the bear's chest. The two other men pulled the semiconscious Yuppie from the bear's grasp. Then using baseball bats, the three loggers finished off the bear. Two of the men dragged the dead grizzly onto the bed of their pickup truck while the other tenderly placed the injured Yuppie in the back seat.



As they began to leave, the Pope summoned all of the men over to him. "I give you my blessing for your brave actions!" he proudly proclaimed.. "I have heard there was bitter hatred between burly loggers and Yuppie environmental activists, but now I've seen with my own eyes that this is not true."



As the Pope drove off, one logger asked his buddies, "Who the heck was that guy?"



"Dude, that was the Pope," another replied. "He's in direct contact with Heaven and has access to all wisdom."



"Well," the logger said, "he may have access to all wisdom, but he doesn't know squat about bear hunting! By the way, is the bait still alive or do we need to go back to Boston and get another one?"









`

[Jess from VA]

Sad news to report:
 
Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community. The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday, of a yeast infection, and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71 and rollin in dough.
 
Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch. The grave site was piled high with flours.
 
Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy, and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Born and bread in Minnesota, Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers.  He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times, he still was a crusty old man, and was considered a positive roll model for millions.
 
Doughboy is survived by his wife, Play Dough, three children: John Dough, Jane Dough and Dosey Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart.
 
The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.

[Jess from VA]

Dear God,
>
>
> All I ask for in 2011 is a big, fat bank account and a slim body.
>
> Please don’t mix these up like you did last year.
>
>
> Amen.

[GreenLantern57]

Real Country songs that are close to or contain the words.


Real Country songs that are close to or contain the words.
25. Ray Stevens 1985
24. Robin Dorsey, Lubbock TX
23. Dan Hicks 1959
22. Robin Dorsey, Lubbock TX
21. ??????
20. Elvis Presley 1955
19. rap song
18. ????????
17. ???????
16. ???????
15. ??????
14. Close - There's a tear in my beer, cause I'm crying for you dear. Hank Williams Sr.
13. ??????
12. Joke that turns up here every so often.
11.  Homer and Jethro
10. ---and I don't love Jesus.  Jimmy Buffett
9. Vern Stoval/Wayne Carter
8. Jimmy Buffett 1985
7. She got the gold mine, I got the shaft.  Jerry Reed 1982
6. They Tore out-------- book by Lewis Grizzard
5. You're the reason our kids are ugly, little darling.  Conway Twitty and Loretta Lynn 1972
4. If the phone don't ring, it's me. Jimmy Buffett.
3. Gary Stewart 1975
2. New Riders of the Purple Sage. 1976
1. Bobby Bare


Top 25 Country Classics

25. Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth 'Cause I'm Kissing You Goodbye.
24. Her Teeth Was Stained, But Her Heart Were Pure.
23. How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?
22. I Don't Know Whether To Kill Myself Or Go Bowling.
21. I Just Bought A Car From A Guy That Stole My Girl, But The Car Don’t Run So I Figure We're Even.
20. I Keep Forgettin' I Forgot About You.
19. I Liked You Better Before I Knew You So Well.
18. I Still Miss You, Baby, But My Aim's Gettin' Better.
17. I Wouldn't Take Her To A Dog Fight, Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win.
16. I'll Marry You Tomorrow But Let's Honeymoon Tonight.
15. I'm So Miserable Without You, It's Like Having You Here
14. I've Got Tears In My Ears From Lyin' On My Back and Cryin' Over You.
13. If I Can't Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You.
12. If I Had Shot You When I Wanted To, I'd Be Out By Now.
11. Mama Get A Hammer (There's A Fly On Papa's Head).
10. My Head Hurts, My Feet Stink, And I Don't Love You.
9. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend And I Sure Do Miss Him.
8. Please Bypass This Heart.
7. She Got The Ring And I Got The Finger.
6. You Done Tore Out My Heart And Stomped That Sucker Flat.
5. You're The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly.
4. If the Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me.
3. She's Actin' Single and I'm Drinkin' Doubles.
2. She's Looking Better After Every Beer.
And the Number 1 Country and Western song of all Time is...I Haven't Gone To Bed With Any Ugly Women But I've Sure Woke Up With A Few

[fuzzy2bucks]

Back in the frontier days, a westbound wagon train was lost and low on food.


No other humans had been seen for days, when finally they saw an "Old Jewish Man" sitting beneath a tree. The leader rushed to him and said,
 "We're lost and running out of food. Is there someplace ahead where we can get food?

 "Vell," the old Jew said, "I vouldn't go up dat hill und down other side. Somevun told me you'll run into a big bacon tree."

 "A bacon tree?" asked the wagon train leader.

 "Yah, ah bacon tree. Trust me. For nuttin vud I lie."

 The leader goes back and tells his people that if nothing else, they might be able to find food on the other side of the next ridge.

"So why did he say not to go there?" some of the pioneers asked.

 "Oh, you know those Jews -- they don't eat bacon."


 So the wagon train goes up the hill and down the other side. Suddenly,  Indians attack and massacre everyone except the leader, who barely manages to escape back to the old Jew, who's enjoying a "glassel tea."
 The near-dead man starts shouting,
"You fool! You sent us to our deaths!
We followed your instructions, but there was no bacon tree! There was hundreds of Indians, who killed everyone."

 The old Jew holds up his hand and says "Oy, vait a minute." He then gets out an old English-Yiddish dictionary, and begins thumbing through it.
 "Gevalt, I made myself ah big mistake.
It vuz not a bacon tree.

 It vuz a ham bush!"








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[fuzzy2bucks]

Driving Permit


A young boy had just gotten his driving permit.  He asked his father, who was a minister,
if they could discuss his use of the family car.


His father said to him, "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up,
study your bible a little, and get your hair cut, then we will talk about it."


A month later the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss his use of the car.
His father said, "Son, I'm real proud of you.  You have brought your grades up,
you've studied your bible diligently,  but you didn't get a hair cut!"


The young man waited a moment and replied, "You know dad, I've been thinking about that.
You know Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair,
and even Jesus had long hair."


His father replied, "Yes son, and they walked everywhere they went!" 









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[fuzzy2bucks]

Airplane flight



Man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane.  He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat.  As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his.  Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, "Business trip or pleasure?"  She turned, smiled and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston."


He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs. Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"


"Lecturer," she responded. "I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."


"Really?" he said. "And what kind of myths are there?"


"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.


Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers when actually it is men of Jewish descent who are the best.

I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck."


Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don't even know your name."


"Tonto," the man said, "Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba."









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[fuzzy2bucks]

Granny Biker



A little old lady had always wanted to join a local biker club.

One day she goes up and knocks on the club's door. A big, hairy, bearded biker guy with tattoos all over his arms answers the door. She proclaims, "I want to join your club." The biker was amused, but says she needs to meet certain biker requirements in order to join. The biker asks, "Do you ! have a motorcycle?"


The little old lady replies, "Yep... my bikes parked over there", and points to a Harley in the driveway.


The biker asks, "Do you drink?" The little old lady replies "Yep...drink like a fish. I'll drink any man in your club under the table."


The biker asks, "Do you smoke?" The little old lady replies, "Yep...smoke like a chimney. At least 4 packs a day and a couple of cigars in the evening when I'm shooting pool."


The biker is very impressed and asks, "Last Question. Have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?"


The little old lady thinks for a minute and says, "Nope...but I've been swung around by the nipples once!        

[fuzzy2bucks]

Old man wants a sperm count.



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A 75 year old man went to his doctor to get a sperm count.


The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring
me back a semen sample tomorrow".


The next day, the 75 year old man returned to the doctor's office and
gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.


The doctor asked what happened, and the man explained, "Well, doc, it's
like this....First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I
tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for
help. She tried with her right hand, then her left, still nothing.
She even tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her
teeth out, and still nothing. We even called up Arlene, the lady next
door, and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she
even tried squeez'n it between her knees, but still nothing".



The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor". The old Man replied,
"yep, but no matter what all 3 of us tried, with our arthritis, we
still couldn't get the jar open."







`

[HayHauler]

I saw it coming like a plane crash, but it was still funny!@!!@!

Hay 
Jimmyt

[fuzzy2bucks]

Took out the strong hint, maybe it will go over better.

[Westernbiker]

Beverly Hills Bobbits (sung to the theme tune from The Beverly Hillbillies)

Come listen to a story 'bout a man named John
A poor ex-marine with his little todger gone
It seems one night after getting' with the wife
She lopped off his dong with the swipe of a knife.

Penis, that is.
Clean cut.
Missed his nuts.

Well, the next thing you know there's a Ginsu by his side
And Lorena's in the car taking' Willie for a ride.
She soon got tired of her purple-headed friend
Tossed him out the window as she went around a bend.

Curve, that is.
Tossed the nub.
In the shrub.

She went to the cops and confessed to the attack,
They called out the hounds just to get his weenie back
They sniffed and they barked and they pointed "over there"
To John Wayne's henry that was waving in the air.

Found, that is.
By a fence.
Evidence.

Now Peter and John couldn't stay apart for long
So a dick doc said, "Hey, I can fix that dong!"
"A needle and a thread is all we're gonna need"
And the whole world waited till they heard that Johnny peed.

Whizzed, that is.
Straight stream.
Even seam.

Well he healed and he hardened and he took his case to court,
With a half-assed lawyer cause his assets came up short
They cleared her of assault and acquitted him of rape
And his pecker was the only thing they didn't show on tape.

Video, that is.
Unexposed.
Case Closed.

Ya'll sleep on your stomachs now, y'hear?

[Westernbiker]

Rejected Nursery Rhymes

JACK AND JILL
Went up the hill
To have a little fun.
Stupid Jill
Forgot the pill
And now they have a son.

MARY HAD A LITTLE LAMB
Her father shot it dead
Now it goes to school with her,
Between two hunks of bread.

LITTLE MISS MUFFET
Sat on a tuffet,
Her clothes all tattered and torn.
It had not been the spider
that crept up beside her
But Little Boy Blue and his horn.

SIMPLE SIMON
Met a Pieman going to the fair
Said Simple Simon to the Pieman
"What have you got there?"
Said the Pieman unto Simon
"Pies, you dumbass!"

HUMPTY DUMPTY
Sat on a wall
Humpty dumpty had a great fall
All the kings horses and all the kings men
Had scrambled eggs for breakfast again.

HEY DIDDLE, DIDDLE,
The cat did a piddle,
All over the bedside clock,
The little dog laughed to see such fun
When it died of electric shock.

GEORGIE PORGY
Pudding and Pie
Kissed the girls and made them cry.
When the boys came out to play
He kissed them too, 'cause he was gay.

THERE WAS A LITTLE GIRL
who had a little curl!
Right in the middle of her forehead
And when she was good,
She was very very good
But when she was bad she got a
Fur coat, jewels, and a sports car.

[Westernbiker]

Friendship Poem

Are you tired of the mushy "friendship" poems that always sound good but never actually come close to reality? Well, here is a "friendship" poem that really speaks to true friendship and truth itself.

Dear Friend,

When you are sad, I will get you drunk and help you plot revenge against the sorry bastard who made you sad.

When you are blue, I'll try to dislodge whatever is choking you.

When you smile, I'll know you finally got laid.

When you are scared, I will rag you about it every chance I get.

When you are worried, I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be and to quit whining.

When you are confused, I will use little words to explain it to your dumb ass. When you are sick, stay away from me until you're well again. I don't want whatever you have.

When you fall, I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.

This is my oath, I pledge 'till the end.

Why you may ask? Because you're my friend!

[fuzzy2bucks]

Very Enebriated


A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes later, a loud, blood-curdling scream is heard from the bathroom. Then, nothing. But, after another minute or two, another loud scream reverberates through the bar.
 

The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is screaming.
 

What's all the screaming about in there?" he yells. "You're scaring my customers!"


"I'm just sitting here on the toilet minding my own business," slurs the drunk, "and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my nuts."
 

The bartender opens the door, looks in, and says,


"You idiot! You're sitting on the mop bucket!"








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