Just to make you feel better (HUMOR)

[fuzzy2bucks]

      

[fuzzy2bucks]

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was. When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking up and fired a shot directly into the ceiling.

"Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?!?!?" he yelled with surprising forcefulness. No one answered. "Alright, I'm gonna have another beer, and if my horse ain't back outside by the time I finish, I'm gonna do what I dun in Texas! And I don't like to have to do what I dun in Texas!" Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The man, true to his word, had another beer, walked outside, and his horse has been returned to the post.

He saddled up and started to ride out of town. The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, "Say partner, before you go... what happened in Texas?"
.

.

.

The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home."

[fuzzy2bucks]

Don't Judge too quickly !



http://www.youtube.com/v/Ydi5IPS3CHk?version=

[fstsix]

    An airplane was about to crash; there were 5 passengers on board, but only 4 parachutes.

    The first passenger said, "I am President Obama, the chosen one. The world needs me, I can't afford to die." So he took the first parachute
    and left the plane.

    The second passenger, Nancy Pelosi, said, "I am the Speaker of the House. And I am the smartest woman in American history, so America's people don't want me to die." She took the second parachute and jumped
    out of the plane.

    The third passenger, John Kerry, said, "I'm a Senator, and a decoratedwar hero from the Navy of the United States of America ." So he grabbed the parachute next to him and jumped.
     
     
    The fourth passenger, ex-President George W. Bush, said to the fifth passenger, a 10-year-old schoolgirl, "I have lived a full life, and served my country the best I could.  I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute."

    The little girl said, "That's okay, Mr. President. There's a  parachute left for you. America 's smartest woman, Nancy Pelosi, took my backpack"!!

[fuzzy2bucks]

Finally a Cell Phone that I can use dependably

[fuzzy2bucks]

How to grow larger veggies


A beautiful woman loved growing tomatoes, but couldn't seem
to get her tomatoes to turn red. One day, while taking a stroll,
she came upon a gentleman neighbor who had the most
beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes.


The woman asked the gentlemen,
"What do you do to get your tomatoes so red?"


The gentlemen responded, "Well, twice a day I stand in front
of my tomato garden naked in my trench coat and flash them.
My tomatoes turn red from blushing so much."


Well, the woman was so impressed; she decided to try
doing the same thing to her tomato garden to see if
it would work. So twice a day for two weeks she
flashed her garden hoping for the best.


One day the gentleman was passing by and asked the woman,
"By the way, how did you make out? Did your tomatoes turn red?"
No", she replied,



.
"but my cucumbers are enormous."

[Westernbiker]

A priest a cowboy and Obama walked into a bar, the bartender said 'is this a joke?' 

[Westernbiker]

Two flies are sitting on a pile of poop when one farts. The other says, "Do you mind, I'm eating"   

[Westernbiker]

How can you tell when your girlfriend is getting fat?
When she can fit into your wife's clothes.

[bigguy]

Scary Halloween costume.
Pick which of the people in the following photos are boys in drag.
Choose left or right, then scroll down for answers.







SCROLL DOWN FOR ANSWER.





















They're ALL boys.  
HAPPY HALLOWEEN!

[Jess from VA]

Huge Bike Jump into a Pond 30 Feet in the Air	powered by Aeva

[grizs50]

Death of Poor Ralph the Reindeer, Test Pilot	powered by Aeva

   

[fuzzy2bucks]

American Beer




This guy goes to a doctor and says he has a problem with sex.

"Doc, I think my tool is just too damn small," he says.

The doctor asks him which drink he prefers.

Well, American beer," he replies quite bemused.

"Aaaahhh. There's your problem, it shrinks things, those silly American beers.. you should try drinking Guinness.

That makes things grow."

Two months later the chap returns to the doctor with a big smile on his face.

He shakes the doctor by the hand and thanks him.

"I take it you now drink Guinness?" asked the doctor.



"Oh no, Doc," replies the man, "but I've got the wife on American beer!"

[fuzzy2bucks]

 
  After the Office Party    




. . .  R  rated.


John, woke up after the annual office Christmas party with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening.


After a trip to the bathroom, he made his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him.

"Louise," he moaned, "tell me what happened last night. Was it as bad as I think?"


"Even worse," she said, her voice oozing scorn. "You made a complete ass of yourself. You succeeded in antagonizing the entire board of directors and you insulted the president of the company, right to his face."


"He's an A$$ hole," John said. "Piss on him."


"You did," came the reply. "And he fired you."


"Well, $crew him!" said John.
.
.
.
.
.

.

"I did. You're back at work on Monday.

 

[fuzzy2bucks]

An hour of pleasure



The Dean of Women at an exclusive girls' school was lecturing her students on sexual morality.

"We live today in very difficult times for young people. In moments of temptation," she said, "ask yourself just one question: Is an hour of pleasure worth a lifetime of shame?"




A young woman rose in the back of the room and said, "Excuse me, but how do you make it last an hour?"

[fuzzy2bucks]

How many women?

PG-13



After three years of marriage, Kim was still questioning her husband about his lurid past.


"C'mon, tell me," she asked for the thousandth time, "how many women have you slept with?"


"Baby," he protested, "if I told you, you'd throw a fit".


Kim promised she wouldn't get angry, and convinced her hubby to tell her.
.
.
.
.
.
.



"Okay," he said, "One, two, three, four, five, six, seven - then there's you - nine, ten, 11, 12, 13.."

[fuzzy2bucks]

Grass Sandwhich

. . . R  rated




At a local college dance, a guy from America asked the girl from Sweden to dance.



While they were dancing, he gives her a little squeeze, and says, "In America, we call this a hug".



She replies, "Yaah, in Sveden, we call it a hug too."



A little later, he gives her a peck on the cheek, and says, "In America, we call this a kiss".



She replies, "Yaah, in Sveden, we call it a kiss too."



Towards the end of the night, and a lot of drinks later, he takes her out on the campus lawn, and proceeds to have sex with her, and says, "In America, we call this a grass sandwich".
.
.
.
.
.
.

She says, "Yaaah in Sveden, we call it a grass sandwich too, but we usually put more meat in it."

[bigguy]

A koala was sitting in a gum tree smoking a joint when a little lizard walked past, looked up and said, 'Hey Koala! What are you doing?'
The koala said, 'Smoking a joint, come up and have some.'
So the little lizard climbed up and sat next to the koala where they enjoyed a few joints. After a while the little lizard said that his mouth was 'dry' and that he was going to get a drink from the river. So he climbed down the tree and headed up the path toward the river. He was so stoned that he leaned over too far and fell into the water.
A crocodile saw this and swam over to the little lizard and helped him back to the bank. Then he asked the little lizard, 'What's the matter with you?'
The little lizard explained to the crocodile that he had been sitting with the koala in the tree, smoking a joint, but got too stoned and fell into the river while taking a drink..
The crocodile said that he had to check this out and walked into the rain forest, found the tree where the koala was sitting finishing a joint. The crocodile looked up and said,
'Hey you!'
The koala looked down at him and said,
'Shiiiiiiiiiiit dude...    How much water did you drink!?

[Westernbiker]

RATED PG13

A woman in the bar says that she wants to have plastic surgery to enlarge her breasts. Her husband tells her, "Hey, you don't need to do that. I know how to do it without surgery." The lady asks, "How do I do it without surgery?" "Just rub toilet paper between them." Startled the lady asks, "How does that make them bigger?" "Idon't know, but it worked for your a$$.

[fuzzy2bucks]

Tickle me Elmo. . . joke


(Maybe clarification is not a bad thing)


There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me
Elmo toys.



The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.



Well, Lena is hired at T he Tickle Me Elmo factory and she is to report
for her first day promptly at 8:00 AM.

 

The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's
door.

 

The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new
employee.



He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing
up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.



The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2
men march down to the factory floor.


 

When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me
Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile
up.

 

At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle
Me Elmo's.

 

She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.

 

The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric,
wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the littl e
package between Elmo's legs.
 

The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter.
 


After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and
approaches Lena.
 


"I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, but I



think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday."
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

Your job is to give Elmo. . . two test tickles.

[fuzzy2bucks]

Old Soldier

R   .rated


An old retired soldier puts on his old uniform and heads for to the bar once more, for old times sake.
He engages a lady of the night and takes her up to a room.

He's soon going at it as well as he can for a guy his age, but needing some reassurance, he asks, 'How am I doing?'

The lady of the night replies, 'Well, old soldier, you're doing about three knots.'

'Three knots?’ he asks. 'What's that supposed to mean?' I'm not a sailor.

She says, "You're knot hard, you're knot in, and your knot getting your money back.

 

[fuzzy2bucks]

Nagging Wife!

G    `Rated


An 80 year old man and his nagging wife were spending their 60th anniversary touring the Holy Land. The whole time they were there, she nagged him about this, and nagged him about that, and when he had about had all he could take, she dropped dead of a heart attack.


While speaking to the authorities trying to arrange shipping the body home to the USA they told him it would cost about $5000 to ship her, but that she could be burried right there in the Holy Land for $150. He thought about it for a few moments and said, "No, go ahead and ship her home."


They asked him, "Why wouldn't you want to bury her here in the Holy Land? Wouldn't that be something special?" He said, "Well, years ago a man died here and was burried here, and three days later he rose from the dead, and I just can't take that kind of chance!"

[fuzzy2bucks]

Shredder*    .  .   .   G rated


A young engineer was leaving the office at 4.45 p.m. when he found the
Acting CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.


"Listen," said the Acting CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important
document, and my secretary is not here. Can you make this thing work?"


"Certainly," said the young engineer. He turned the machine on, inserted
the paper, and pressed the start button.


"Excellent, excellent!" said the Acting CEO as his paper disappeared
inside the machine, "I just need one copy."*
*
*
*


Lesson:

Never, ever assume that your boss knows what he's doing    

[fuzzy2bucks]

Eye opening Humor in the NEWS .  .   .    .      .   G     `rated


BERLIN (Reuters) – A German entrepreneur is bypassing a European Union ban on light bulbs of more than 60 watts by marketing his own brand as mini heaters.


Siegfried Rotthaeuser and his brother-in-law have come up with a legal way of importing and distributing 75 and 100 watt light bulbs -- by producing them in China, importing them as "small heating devices" and selling them as "heatballs."


To improve energy efficiency, the EU has banned the sale of bulbs of over 60 watts -- to the annoyance of the mechanical engineer from the western city of Essen.


Rotthaeuser studied EU legislation and realized that because the inefficient old bulbs produce more warmth than light -- he calculated heat makes up 95 percent of their output, and light just 5 percent -- they could be sold legally as heaters.


On their website (http://heatball.de/), the two engineers describe the heatballs as "action art" and as "resistance against legislation which is implemented without recourse to democratic and parliamentary processes."


Costing 1.69 euros each ($2.38), the heatballs are going down well -- the first batch of 4,000 sold out in three days.


Rotthaeuser has pledged to donate 30 cents of every heatball sold to saving the rainforest, which the 49-year-old sees as a better way of protecting the environment than investing in energy-saving lamps, which contain toxic mercury.

[fuzzy2bucks]

Someone left the lid off . .    

G     `rated.

*

*


*


*

[Jack]

An Irish daughter had not been home for over a year. Upon her return, her father cussed her, "Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us? not even a line! Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother thru?".
The girl, crying, replied, Sniff, sniff...."Dad. ...I became a prostitute..." "
Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this Catholic family, so yer are."
"OK, Daddy-- as ye wish. I just came back to give Mammy this luxurious fur coat, title deeds to a ten bedroom mansion plus a £5 million cheque..
For me little brother Seamus, this gold Rolex. And for ye Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside, plus a membership to the Limerick Country Club......... .................. (takes a breath)..... ........ and an invitation for ye all to spend New Years Eve on board my new yacht in the Carribean and... ."
"Now what was it ye said ye had become?" says Dad. Girl, crying again, Sniff, sniff...."A prostitute Daddy!" Sniff, sniff.
"Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death girl! I thought ye said a PROTESTANT. Come here and give yer old Daddy a big hug."

[fuzzy2bucks]

         :       

[fuzzy2bucks]

Where Red head babies come from ?




After their baby was born, the panicked father went to see the Obstetrician.



'Doctor,' the man said, 'I don't mind telling you, but I'm a little upset because my daughter has red hair. She can't possibly be mine.'



'Nonsense,' the doctor said. 'Even though you and your wife both have black hair, one of your ancestors may have contributed red hair to the gene pool.'



'It isn't possible,' the man insisted. 'This can't be, our families on both sides had jet-black hair for generations.'



'Well,' said the doctor, 'let me ask you this. How often do you have sex?'



The man seemed a bit ashamed. 'I've been working very hard for the past year. We only made love once or twice every few months.'

*



*



'Well, there you have it!' The doctor said confidently. 'It's rust.'

[fuzzy2bucks]

She obeyed his last wish.


There was a man who had worked all his life, had saved all of his
money, and was a real miser when it came to his money.
 


Just before he died, he said to his wife...'When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me.'



And so he got his wife to promise him,
with all of her heart, that when he died, she would put all of the money into the casket with him.



Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there - dressed in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, and just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said,
'Wait just a moment!'



She had a small metal box with her; she
came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down and they rolled it away. So her friend said,  'Girl,  I know you were not foolish
enough to put all that money in there with your husband?'




The loyal wife replied, 'Listen, I'm a
Christian; I cannot go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money into the casket with him.'




You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with
him!?



 
'I sure did,' said the wife. 'I got it all together, put it into
my account, and wrote him a check.... If he can cash it, then he can spend it.'

[fuzzy2bucks]

Bobbit family update



In a recent news broadcast, it was announced that Lorena Bobbitt's sister Louella was arrested for an alleged attempt to perform the same act on her husband as her famous sister had done several years ago.

Sources reveal the sister was not as accurate as Lorena.

She allegedly missed the target and stabbed her husband in the upper thigh causing severe muscle and tendon damage. The husband is reported to be in serious, but stable condition, and Louella has been charged with A

*

*


*



*



 Misdewiener !

[Westernbiker]

Bobbit family update



In a recent news broadcast, it was announced that Lorena Bobbitt's sister Louella was arrested for an alleged attempt to perform the same act on her husband as her famous sister had done several years ago.

Sources reveal the sister was not as accurate as Lorena.

She allegedly missed the target and stabbed her husband in the upper thigh causing severe muscle and tendon damage. The husband is reported to be in serious, but stable condition, and Louella has been charged with A

*

*


*



*



 Misdewiener !

Oh come on man.....that was baaaaaad!!!! LOL!!!!!!!

[fuzzy2bucks]

Yep,  ~ Bad ~ in a good way.

[bigguy]

grroooooaaaannnnnnn!

[fuzzy2bucks]

Gynecologist assistant wanted

PG-13    `rated



A young man goes into the Job Center in Kansas City, Kansas and sees a card advertising for a Gynecologist's Assistant.

Interested he goes to learn more. "Can you give me some more details about this?" He asks the guy behind the desk.


The Job Center man sorts through his files & replies..."Oh yes here it is" The job entails you getting the lady patients ready for the gynecologist. You have to help them out of their underwear, lie them down, and carefully wash their private region.  You then apply shaving foam and gently shave off all their pubic hair, then rub in soothing oils so that they're ready for the gynecologist's examination.



There's an annual salary of $50,000, but you're going to have to go to Wichita, Kansas. That's about 120 miles from here."



The Applicant asked..."Oh why, is that where the job's at?"  The guy behind the desk replied..."No Sir,..."that's where the end of the prospective applicants line is...!!

[fuzzy2bucks]

Big Biker Chili


 
A duded-up city rider walks into a seedy tavern in Sturgis, SD. He sits at the bar and notices a grizzled old biker with his arms folded, staring blankly at a full bowl of chili.


After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the newby rider bravely asks the old biker, 'If you ain't gonna eat that, mind if I do?'


 
The old veteran of a thousand rides slowly turns his head toward the young pup and says, 'Nah, you go ahead.'



Eagerly, the guy wearing the shiny new leather fashions reaches over and slides the bowl into his place and starts spooning it in with delight. He gets nearly down to the bottom of the bowl and notices a dead mouse in the chilli. The sight was very shocking and he immediately barfed up the chili back into the bowl.




The old biker quietly says, 'Yep, that's as far as I got, too.'
 
 

[fuzzy2bucks]

Irish Pubs are said to be the best ?

As good as this bar is," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow, there's a wee place called McTavish's. The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth drink."

 

"Well, Angus," said the Englishman, "At my local in London, the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."

 

"Ahhh, dat's nothin'," said the Irishman, "back home in my favourite pub, the moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like, actually. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see dat you gets laid, all on the house!"

 

The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims. The Irishman swore every word was true.  "Did this actually happen to you?"



 

"Not meself, personally, no," admitted the Irishman, "but it did happen to me sister quite a few times."   

[fuzzy2bucks]

A Tractor


Mike was visiting Joes farm when he saw the barn door open he looked in and was surprised to see Joe doing a slow sensual strip in front of his John Deere Tractor.


Joe slowly removes his right boot then his left boot the slowly starts to lower his jeans.Mike shouts  what are you up to.


You frightened the S--t out of me says an embarrased Joe.  The wife and I are having some problems in the bedroom and the Therapist says I should do something sexy to a tractor.           
 

[fuzzy2bucks]

MR KATZ


  A widowed Jewish lady, still in good shape, was sunbathing on a most
 deserted beach at Ft. Myers.


 She looked up and noticed that a man her age, also in good shape, had
 walked up, placed his blanket on the sand near hers and began reading
 a book.


 Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversatio n with him. "How are
 you today?"


 "Fine, thank you," he responded, and turned back to his book.



 "I love the beach. Do you come here often?" she asked.



 "First time since my wife passed away 2 years ago," he replied and
 turned back to his book.
 "I'm sorry to hear that. My husband passed away three years ago and it
 is very lonely," she countered. "Do you live around here?" She asked.



 "Yes, I live over in Cape Coral ," he answered , and again he
 resumed reading.



 Trying to find a topic of common interest, she persisted, "Do you like
 pussy cats?"



 With that, the man dropped his book, came over to her blanket, tore
 off her swimsuit and gave her the most passionate lovemaking of her
 life.



 When the cloud of sand began to settle, she gasped and asked the man,
 "How did you know that was what I wanted?"



 The man replied, "How did you know my name was Katz?"

[Westernbiker]

RATED PG13

Man walks into a bar and has a seat. Bartender walks over and asks "What will ya have?" The guy says "Rum and Coke, tall glass, use the Bacardi, not the house rum" Bartender grabs a glass off the shelf, flips it into the air and catches it. Throws a hand full of ice into the glass, Bacardi, Coke, straw and a napkin and says "that'll be $3.75" Guy looks at the drink and says "I don't want that drink!" Bartender is puzzled, looks at the man and says "I used a tall glass and the Bacardi like you asked, whats wrong?" The guy says "You put your hands in the ice and then put it in my glass and that is un sanitary!" The bartender says "Look man, I have enough respect for anyone that comes in here to at least wash my hands before I get behind the bar" The guy says " I don't care man, NO HANDS IN THE ICE!" Bartender throws a good drink down the drain and grabs a clean glass. He looks around for a bit, reaches under the counter and comes up with a pair of tongs. One ice cube at a time he grabs with the tongs and puts them into the mans glass. Then Bacardi, Coke, straw and a napkin. "That will be $3.75" Says the bartender. The man gives him a five and the bartender returns with his change. The man starts in on the bartender again about hands in the ice and that he could call the health department. The bartender says "Look man, I told you before, I wash my hands before I get behind the bar" The man says "Well what about when you go to the bathroom?" The bartender replies "Look, I don't wear any underwear, it is so big it falls out by itself. I have a string attached to it so I can shake if off. The man says "Oh ya? Well what about when you go to put it back in your pants. The bartender says "I use the tongs"

[fuzzy2bucks]

  . . .  took awhile to 'get', but a 5 smiley joke.