H U M O R Thread . Nothing to get riled up about. Jokes, puns, and riddles.

[Roy]

Secrets to gardening...


A beautiful woman loved growing tomatoes, but couldn't seem to get them to Turn red.

One day, while taking a stroll, she came upon a gentleman neighbor who had the most beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes.

The woman asked the gentlemen, "What do you do to get your tomatoes so red?"

The gentlemen responded, "Well, twice a day I stand in front of my tomato Garden naked in my trench coat and flash them. My tomatoes turn red from Blushing so much."

Well, the woman was so impressed; she decided to try doing the same thing to Her tomato garden to see if it would work
.
So twice a day for two weeks she flashed her garden hoping for the best.

One day the gentleman was passing by and asked the woman, "By the way, how did you make out? Did your tomatoes turn red?"

"No", she replied, "but my cucumbers are enormous."







`

[mike72903]

Not sure why but I laughed at the last two jokes.

[Roy]

Drunk makes it home...


A local bar regular had been drinking all night. This particular night the regular drank a little more than usual.

The bartender finally says that the bar is closing. So the regular stands up to leave and falls flat on his face. He tries to stand one more time, same result. He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.
Once outside he stands up and falls flat on his face. So he decides to crawl the 3 blocks to his home and when he arrives at the door, he stands up and falls flat on his face.

He crawls through the door into his bedroom. When he reaches his bed, he tries one more time to stand up. This time he manages to pull himself upright but he quickly falls right into bed and is sound asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow.

He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him shouting loudly.
“So, you've been out drinking again!!” “What makes you say that?” He asks as he puts on an innocent look. “The bar called, you left your wheelchair there again.”






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[Roy]

How I lost my teeth...


I was in the Mint Bar last night, while standing at the bar waiting for a Tito's and Red Bull, a butt fugly big ol' heifer came up behind me, and slapped me on the ass.

She said , "Hey sexy, how bout giving me your number."

I looked at her and asked , "Have you got a pen ?"

She replied, "I sure do."

I said, "You better get back in it before the rancher notices you're missing."

My dental surgery is Monday ...

[Roy]

Bored in the Desert..



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Saudi's Again Changing Wheels/Tyres while driving!	powered by Aeva

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[Roy]

The one that didn't get away.




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http://www.all-creatures.org/humor/IceFishing.mpe%201.mpg







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[Roy]

"Lexophile" is a word used to describe those who have a love for words, such as "you can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish", or "to write with a broken pencil is pointless."

A competition to see who can come up with the best lexphillies is held every year in an undisclosed location. 

….When fish are in schools, they sometimes take debate.

.... A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

.... When the smog lifts in Los Angeles U.C.L.A.

.... The batteries were given out free of charge.

.... A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.

.... A will is a dead giveaway.

.... With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

.... A boiled egg is hard to beat.

.... When you've seen one shopping Center you've seen a mall.

.... Police were called to a day care Center where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

…. Did you hear about the fellow whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.

.... A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.

.... When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

.... The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine is now fully recovered.

.... He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

.... When she saw her first strands of grey hair she thought she'd dye.

.... Acupuncture is a jab well done. That's the point of it.







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[Roy]

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How to load a motorcycle in a pickup truck quickly..








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http://www.liveleak.com/view?i=cab_1397808005

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[bigguy]

A couple is expecting a visit from several relatives. The man walks into the kitchen and finds his wife hard at work preparing a meal for the guests. Wanting to be helpful he asks, "What can  I do?"
She tells him to take a bag of potatoes, peal half of them and put them in a pot to boil.














Mission accomplished!

[bigguy]

[Roy]

Thanks BigGuy I could use a stand like that.  I think it would define my true Redneck Roots.   

[Roy]

Relax, Sir!



A midget came hurrying into a doctor's office, and said to the receptionist, "I need to see the doctor right away." "Yes, sir, if you will just take these forms and fill them out," said the lady. "I don't have time for that, I'm in a hurry," said the midget, stamping his foot in exasperation.

"Sir, I will get you in as soon as possible," she said. "Now please take a seat over there and be a LITTLE PATIENT."







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[Roy]

R n' R





A very smartly uniformed Sergeant Major in the British army strides briskly up to the door of a brothel. Knocks sharply on the door with his swagger stick.

The Madame opens the door, and very impressed with the smartly uniformed officer , asks "What can I do for you, handsome ?"

SM replies, "How much for the pleasure of my company ?"

Madame thinks this is a strange way to phrase the proposition, but the customer is always right, so she says "I can provide a lovely girl for £20 dearie".

Sergeant Major says brusquely "Right you are then" . He takes two steps back and shouts "Comany double time, enter the brothel"




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[Roy]

Food Effects...


A doctor was addressing a large audience in Oxford...

"The material we put into our stomachs should have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is full of steroids and dye. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG.
High trans-fat diets can be disastrous and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and most of us have, or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"

After several seconds of quiet, a 70-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, "Wedding Cake."

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[bigguy]

I guess there's a demographic for every contingency.

[Roy]

Where did you find that book?

[Roy]

For those who know almost everything..



1. The liquid inside young coconuts can be used as a substitute for....
A. Blood plasma.

2. No piece of paper can be folded in half....
A. more than seven (7) times.

3. Donkeys kill more people annually
A. than plane crashes.

4. You burn more calories sleeping
A. than you do watching television.

5. Oak trees do not produce acorns
A. until they are fifty (50) years of age or older.

6. The first product to have a bar code
A. was Wrigley's gum.

7. The King of Hearts is the only king
A. WITHOUT A MUSTACHE

8. American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987
by eliminating one (1) olive
A. from each salad served in first-class.

9. Apples, not caffeine,
A. are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.

10. Most dust particles in your house are made from
A. DEAD SKIN!

11. PEARLS MELT
A. IN VINEGAR!

12. It is possible to lead a cow upstairs...
A. but, not downstairs.

13. A duck's quack doesn't echo,
A. and no one knows why.

14. Dentists have recommended that a toothbrush
be kept at least six (6) feet away from
a toilet to avoid airborne particles
resulting from the flush.
A. (I keep my toothbrush in the living room now!)

15. And the best for last.....
A. Turtles can breathe through their butts.


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[Roy]

Foreign Food Products that have poortly translated into English...



http://api.viglink.com/api/click?format=go&jsonp=vglnk_jsonp_140191307893711&key=05c870975166525eee12fc837803917a&libId=a1545a12-5dbb-4082-8690-c6ca26f0b664&loc=http%3A%2F%2Fforums.sohc4.net%2Findex.php%3Ftopic%3D138140.0&v=1&out=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.amplifyingglass.com%2Fproducts%2F&ref=http%3A%2F%2Fforums.sohc4.net%2Findex.php%3FPHPSESSID%3Djqus3c8m2c2pnqntboirtoiji4%26board%3D26.0&title=18%20Food%20Products%20that%20Have%20Translated%20Poorly%20Into%20English&txt=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.amplifyingglass.com%2Fproducts%2F







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[bigguy]

Where did you find that book?

Just saw the pic on Facebook.

[bigguy]

Foreign Food Products that have poortly translated into English...



http://api.viglink.com/api/click?format=go&jsonp=vglnk_jsonp_140191307893711&key=05c870975166525eee12fc837803917a&libId=a1545a12-5dbb-4082-8690-c6ca26f0b664&loc=http%3A%2F%2Fforums.sohc4.net%2Findex.php%3Ftopic%3D138140.0&v=1&out=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.amplifyingglass.com%2Fproducts%2F&ref=http%3A%2F%2Fforums.sohc4.net%2Findex.php%3FPHPSESSID%3Djqus3c8m2c2pnqntboirtoiji4%26board%3D26.0&title=18%20Food%20Products%20that%20Have%20Translated%20Poorly%20Into%20English&txt=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.amplifyingglass.com%2Fproducts%2F







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I don't know. That shrimp flavored crack might be a big seller.

[Roy]

                           

[Roy]

Sex Education from the schools point of view and the fathers reality. . .



A young teenage girl who had just been taught sex ed in school comes home very angry and confronts her father. Daddy you lied to me. You told me that if Johnny had sex with me before I was married he would die. The father replied, oh but he will sweetheart, he will.







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[Roy]

OJ  meets the Devil...



One day in the future, OJ Simpson has a heart-attack and dies. He
immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him.

'I don't know what to do here,' says the devil. 'You are on my list, but
I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell
you what I'm going to do. I've got a couple of folks here who weren't
quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their
place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves.'

OJ thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the door to the
first room.

In it was Ted Kennedy and a large pool of water. Ted kept diving in, and
surfacing, empty handed. Over, and over, and over he dove in and
surfaced with nothing. Such was his fate in hell.

'No,' OJ said. 'I don't think so. I' m not a good swimmer, and I don't
think I could do that all day long.'

The devil led him to the door of the next room.

In it was Al Gore with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he
did was swing that hammer, time after time after time. 'No, this is no
good; I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant
agony if all I could do was break rocks all day,' commented OJ.

The devil opened a third door. Through it, OJ saw Bill Clinton, lying on
the bed, his arms tied over his head, and his legs restrained in a
spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she
does best.
OJ looked at this in shocked disbelief, and finally said, 'Yeah man, I
can handle this.'

The devil smiled and said . . .. . . (This is priceless)





'OK, Monica, you're free to go.'








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[tank_post142]

So I was at my dentist and he tells me: Dude, you need a crown. And I was like: Damn right !

[Roy]

Good one!        

[Roy]

Last Words..


Two husbands, Chad and Sherm, were discussing their married lives.

Although happily married, they admitted that there were arguments sometimes.

Then Chad said, “I’ve made one great discovery. I now know how to
always have the last word.”

“Wow!” said Sherm, “How do you manage that?”

“It’s easy,” replied Chad. “My last words are always ‘Yes, Dear.’”






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[Roy]

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New Smart Phone...






I just bought a new phone.
It was made in Malaysia.
I put it in flight mode, and now I can't find the damn thing.






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[Roy]

Gopher Hunt game with live ammo...




http://www.cci-ammunition.com/game/default.htm







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[Roy]

How to call the Police . . .



George Phillips of Williston, North Dakota, was going up to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things. He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" and he said no. Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available. George said "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.


"Hello. I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now cause I've just shot them all." Then he hung up. Within five minutes three police cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips residence. Of course, the police caught the burglars red-handed. One of the policemen said to George: "I thought you said that you'd shot them!" George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"






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[Roy]

Dr. Hinelick




Two hillbillies walk into a bar. While having a shot of whiskey, they talk about their moonshine operation. Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough.

After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, "Kin ya swallar?"

The woman shakes her head no.

"Kin ya breathe?"

The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.

The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up the back of her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue. The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.

As she begins to breathe again, the hillbilly walks slowly back to the bar. His partner says, "Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver', but I ain't never seed nobody do it!"







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[mike72903]

copy and paste from a woodworking forum

Number 1:

If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this policeman.
He was being cross-examined by a defense attorney during a felony trial. The lawyer was trying to undermine the police officer's credibility.....
Q: 'Officer --- did you see my client fleeing the scene?'
A: 'No, sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away.'
Q: 'Officer, who provided this description?'
A: 'The officer who responded to the scene.'
Q: 'A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?'
A: 'Yes, sir. With my life.'
Q: 'With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?'
A: 'Yes sir, we do!'
Q: 'And do you have a locker in the room?'
A: 'Yes, sir, I do.'
Q: 'And do you have a lock on your locker?'
A: 'Yes, sir.'
Q: 'Now, why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?'
A: 'You see, sir, we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.'
The courtroom EXPLODED with laughter, and a prompt recess was called. The officer on the stand has been nominated for this year's 'Best Comeback' line -- and we think he'll win.

Number 2:
Now We Know Why He Was a General -----

In an interview, General Norman Schwarzkopf was asked if he thought there was room for forgiveness toward the people who have harbored and abetted the terrorists who perpetrated the 9/11 attacks on America.
His answer was classic Schwarzkopf.
The General said, "I believe that forgiving them is God's function... OUR job is to arrange the meeting."

Number 3:
Dana Perino (FOX News) describing an interview she recently had with a Navy SEAL. After discussing all the countries that he had been sent to, she asked if they had to learn several languages?

"Oh, no ma'am. We don't go there to talk."

Number 4:

Conversation overheard on the VHF Guard (emergency) frequency 121.5 MHz while flying from Europe to Dubai ...
Iranian Air Defense Site: 'Unknown aircraft, you are in Iranian airspace. Identify yourself.'
Aircraft: 'This is a United States aircraft. I am in Iraqi airspace.'
Air Defense Site: 'You are in Iranian airspace. If you do not depart our airspace, we will launch interceptor aircraft!'
Aircraft: 'This is a United States Marine Corps FA-18 Fighter. Send 'em up, I'll wait!'

[Roy]

Hottie in a Car Crash..


A woman went through a red traffic light and crashed into a man's car. Both of their cars are demolished but amazingly neither of them is hurt.

After they crawled out of their cars, the extremely beautiful woman said, "Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days."

The man, not believing his good luck with this hot babe, replied, "I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God!"

The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle.My car is completely demolished, but my bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." Then she hands the bottle to the man.

The man nods his head in agreement, opens it, drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes it and immediately puts the cap back on, then hands it back to him.

He asks, "Aren't you having any?"

She replies, "Nah. I think I'll just wait for the police."







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[Roy]

The New 2014 Ford__


Renault and Ford have joined forces to create the perfect small car for women.
Mixing the Renault 'Clio' and the Ford 'Taurus' they have designed the 'Clitaurus'.
It comes in pink, and the average male car thief won't be able to find it - let alone turn it on - even if someone tells him where it is and how to do it.

Rumor has it though, that it leaks transmission fluid once a month, and can be a real b***h to start in the morning! Some have reported that on cold winter mornings, when you really need it, you can't get it to turn over.

New models are initially fun to own, but very costly to maintain, and horribly expensive to get rid of. Used models may initially appear to have curb appeal and a low price, but eventually have an increased appetite for fuel, and the curb weight typically increases with age. Manufacturers are baffled as to how the size of the boot increases, but say that the paint may just make it LOOK bigger.

This model is not expected to reach collector status. Most owners will find it is best to just lease one, and replace it in a few years.

[Roy]

Bubba does Paris



Bubba, a furniture dealer from Alabama, decided to expand his line of furniture, so went to Paris to see what he could find.

Arriving, he met some manufacturers & picked a line he thought would sell well back home.

To celebrate he decided to visit a small bistro & have a glass of wine. As he sat enjoying his wine he noticed the place was crowded & the other chair at his table was the only vacant one.

Before long a beautiful Parisian girl came, asked him something in French he didn't understand & motioned to the chair.

He invited her to sit, tried to speak to her in English, but she didn't understand, so after a few minutes trying to talk to her, he took a napkin, drew a picture of a wine glass & showed it to her.

She nodded & he ordered her a glass of wine.

After sitting there a while he took another napkin & drew a picture of a plate of food.

She nodded & they left to find a quiet cafe with a small band. They ordered dinner, after which he took a napkin & drew a picture of a couple dancing.

She nodded & they got up & danced until the cafe closed & the band packed.

At the table, the girl took a napkin & drew a picture of a 4 poster bed.

To this day Bubba has no idea how she figured out he was in the furniture business...







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[Roy]

Touche! 


This happened in France to an Englishman who was totally drunk.





The French policeman stops his Jaguar and asks the gentleman if he has
been drinking. With great difficulty, the Englishman admits that he has been
drinking all day, that his daughter got married in the morning to a French man,
and that he drank champagne and a few bottles of wine at the reception and a
quite few glasses of single malt there after.

Quite upset, the policeman proceeds to alcotest (breath test) him and asks the
Englishman if he knows under French Law why he is going to be arrested.

The Englishman answers with humour: No sir, I do not! But while we're asking
questions, do you know that this is a British car and my wife is driving...
on the other side???







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[musclehead]

For those who know almost everything..



1. The liquid inside young coconuts can be used as a substitute for....
A. Blood plasma.

2. No piece of paper can be folded in half....
A. more than seven (7) times.

3. Donkeys kill more people annually
A. than plane crashes.

4. You burn more calories sleeping
A. than you do watching television.

5. Oak trees do not produce acorns
A. until they are fifty (50) years of age or older.

6. The first product to have a bar code
A. was Wrigley's gum.

7. The King of Hearts is the only king
A. WITHOUT A MUSTACHE

8. American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987
by eliminating one (1) olive
A. from each salad served in first-class.

9. Apples, not caffeine,
A. are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.

10. Most dust particles in your house are made from
A. DEAD SKIN!

11. PEARLS MELT
A. IN VINEGAR!

12. It is possible to lead a cow upstairs...
A. but, not downstairs.

13. A duck's quack doesn't echo,
A. and no one knows why.

14. Dentists have recommended that a toothbrush
be kept at least six (6) feet away from
a toilet to avoid airborne particles
resulting from the flush.
A. (I keep my toothbrush in the living room now!)

15. And the best for last.....
A. Turtles can breathe through their butts.


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number 2 is incorrect as proved by the Mythbusters. size matters if you have a piece of paper the size of a football field you can fold it about 14 times (with the aid of a forklift or lull) 

[Valkorado]

Speaking of blondes...

Carolyn, a rich blonde, Buys a new automatic Jaguar XKR Sport. She drives the car perfectly well during the day, but at night, the car just won't move at all.

After trying to drive the car at night for a week (but without any luck), she furiously calls the Jaguar dealers and they send out a technician to her.

The technician examines the car and finds nothing wrong with it. So he turns to the blonde and asks: "Ma'am, are you sure you are using the right gears?"

Full of anger, the blonde replies: "You fool, you idiot, how on earth you could ask such a question? I'm not stupid you know! Of course I am using the right gears; I use D during the day and N at night."

[Roy]

       

[R J]

Speaking of blondes...

Carolyn, a rich blonde, Buys a new automatic Jaguar XKR Sport. She drives the car perfectly well during the day, but at night, the car just won't move at all.

After trying to drive the car at night for a week (but without any luck), she furiously calls the Jaguar dealers and they send out a technician to her.

The technician examines the car and finds nothing wrong with it. So he turns to the blonde and asks: "Ma'am, are you sure you are using the right gears?"

Full of anger, the blonde replies: "You fool, you idiot, how on earth you could ask such a question? I'm not stupid you know! Of course I am using the right gears; I use D during the day and N at night."

I heard it as a young kid, 'D' for driving, 'R' for racing, 'L' for loafing & 'P' for peeing..

[Roy]

Diapers..


I know you have been lying awake at night wondering why baby diapers have brand names such as "Luvs", "Huggies," and "Pampers', while undergarments for old people are called “Depends" .

Well here is the low down on the whole thing.

When babies crap in their pants, people are still going to Luv'em, Hug'em and Pamper'em.

When old people crap in their pants, it "Depends" on who's in the will !






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