H U M O R Thread . Nothing to get riled up about. Jokes, puns, and riddles.

[Don07tncav]

Any old excuse ....
Traffic cop on patrol near end of his watch follows and then pulls over a speeding car .....

Gets out of the patrol car ...walks up to driver and says :

Man - you really pick a time ... it's end of my duty and I sure wish to go home and put my feet up. You come along here and destroy all thought of home ..... Tell you what .......... if you can give me a good reason why you were speeding that I have haven't heard before ..... I'll let you go .....

Guy sits and thinks then says ......

Officer ....... while back my wife walked out on me ... just plain up and left me.
I found out she'd gone of with a Police officer .............

I saw your blue lights behind and I thought you were trying to GIVE HER BACK !!

On yer way son ... !!

[Roy]

DO IT YOURSELF . . . HOME SECURITY.



1.Go to second-hand store and buy a pair of mens size 14-16 boots

2.Place them on your front porch along with a copy of Guns &
Ammo Magazine.

3.Put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazines.

4.Leave a note on the door that reads Hey Blue,
We've gone for more ammo and beer. Be back in an hour. Dont mess with the pit bulls; they
attacked the postman this morning and messed him up real bad.

I dont think " Killer"took part but it was hard to tell from all the blood..
Anyway I shut all four of them in the house.



`

[Roy]

CELL PHONE COURTESY . . .



-----After a very busy day, a commuter settled down in her seat and closed her eyes as the train departed Chicago for Detroit.



As the train rolled out of the station, the guy sitting next to her pulled out his cell phone and started talking in a loud voice: "Hi sweetheart it's Eric, I'm on the train - yes, I know it's the six thirty and not the four thirty but I had a long meeting - no, honey, not with that floozie from the accounts office, with the boss. No sweetheart, you're the only one in my life - yes, I'm sure, cross my heart" etc., etc.



Fifteen minutes later he was still talking loudly, when the young woman sitting next to him, who was obviously angered by his continuous diatribe, yelled at the top of her voice:



"Hey, Eric, turn that stupid phone off and come back to bed!"



My guess would be that Eric doesn't use his cell phone in public any longer.

[Roy]

Scientific Conversion . . .



1. Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter = Eskimo Pi
2. 2000 pounds of Chinese soup = Won ton
3. 1 millionth of a mouthwash = 1 microscope
4. Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement = 1 bananosecond
5. Weight an evangelist carries with God = 1 billigram
6. Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour = Knotfurlong
7. 16.5 feet in theTwilight Zone = 1 Rod Sterling
8. Half of a large intestine = 1 semicolon
9. 1,000,000 aches = 1 megahurtz
10. Basic unit of laryngitis = 1 hoarsepower
11. Shortest distance between two jokes = A straight line
12. 453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake
13. 1 million-million microphones = 1 megaphone
14. 2 million bicycles = 2 megacycles
15. 365.25 days = 1 unicycle
16. 2000 mockingbirds = 2 kilomockingbirds
17. 52 cards = 1 decacards
18. 1 kilogram of falling figs = 1 FigNewton
19. 1000 milliliters of wet socks = 1 literhosen
20. 1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche
21. 1 trillion pins = 1 terrapin
22. 10 rations = 1 decoration
23. 100 rations = 1 C-ration
24. 2 monograms = 1 diagram

26. 2.4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital = 1 IV League
27. 100 Senators = Not 1 decision

[jer0177]

Scientific Conversion . . .



1. Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter = Eskimo Pi
2. 2000 pounds of Chinese soup = Won ton
3. 1 millionth of a mouthwash = 1 microscope
4. Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement = 1 bananosecond
5. Weight an evangelist carries with God = 1 billigram
6. Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour = Knotfurlong
7. 16.5 feet in theTwilight Zone = 1 Rod Sterling
8. Half of a large intestine = 1 semicolon
9. 1,000,000 aches = 1 megahurtz
10. Basic unit of laryngitis = 1 hoarsepower
11. Shortest distance between two jokes = A straight line
12. 453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake
13. 1 million-million microphones = 1 megaphone
14. 2 million bicycles = 2 megacycles
15. 365.25 days = 1 unicycle
16. 2000 mockingbirds = 2 kilomockingbirds
17. 52 cards = 1 decacards
18. 1 kilogram of falling figs = 1 FigNewton
19. 1000 milliliters of wet socks = 1 literhosen
20. 1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche
21. 1 trillion pins = 1 terrapin
22. 10 rations = 1 decoration
23. 100 rations = 1 C-ration
24. 2 monograms = 1 diagram

26. 2.4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital = 1 IV League
27. 100 Senators = Not 1 decision

Where's 25???

[MacDragon]

25. Keep a Dragonrider in suspense = a tellyalater   

[Roy]

    

[Roy]

THE GRAVE . . .


An old man and woman were married for many years, even though they hated each other.
Whenever there was a confrontation, yelling could be heard deep into the night.

The old man would shout, "When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back to haunt you for the rest of your life!"
Neighbors feared him.

They believed he practiced magic because of the many strange occurrences that took place in their neighborhood.

The old man liked the fact that he was feared and to everyone's relief, he died of a heart attack when he was 68.

His wife had a closed casket at the funeral.


After the burial, she went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow.
Her neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked "Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way out of the grave and haunt you for the rest of your life?"
 
The wife put down her drink and said, "Let him dig. I had him buried upside down and I know he won't ask for directions!"

[Roy]

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[Roy]

Senior Love . . .


I was in my back yard trying to launch a kite.

I threw the kite up in the air, the wind would catch it for a few seconds, then it would come crashing back down to earth.

I tried this a few more times with no success.

All the while, my wife Karen is watching from the kitchen window, muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything.

She opens the window and yelled to me, 'You need a piece of tail.'

I turned with a confused look on my face and said, 'Make up your mind. Last night, you told me to go fly a kite.'

[Roy]

I R I S H .  .  . VIAGRA



An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his advice on
 reviving her husband's libido.
 
'What about trying Viagra?' asked the doctor.
 

'Not a chance', she said... 'He won't even take an aspirin.'
 

'Not a problem,' replied the doctor. 'Give him an 'Irish Viagra'...
 
'What is Irish Viagra?', she asked.
 
It's when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won't even taste it.
 Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went..'
 
It was a week later when she called the doctor, who directly inquired as
 to her progress.
 
The poor dear exclaimed, 'Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! T'was horrid!
 Just terrible, doctor!'
 
'Really? What happened?' asked the doctor.
 
'Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was
 almost immediate. He jumped straight up, with a smile on his face, a twinkle
 in his eye and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arms,
 he sent me cups and saucers flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me
 then and there passionately on the tabletop! T'was a nightmare, I tell you,
 an absolute nightmare!'
 
'Why so terrible?' asked the doctor, 'Do you mean the sex your husband
 provided wasn't good?'
 
'Freakin' jaysus, it was the best sex I've had in 25 years! But sure
 as I'm sittin' here, I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again.

[Roy]

How the name for Manure has evolved over the years. . .


Manure: In the 16th and 17th centuries, everything had to be
transported by ship and it was also before the invention of
commercial fertilizers, so large shipments of manure were quite
common.

It was shipped dry, because in dry form it weighed a lot less
than when wet,but once water (at sea) hit it, not only did it become
heavier, but theprocess of fermentation began again, of which a by
product is methane gasof course. As the stuff was stored below decks
in bundles you can see what could (and did) happen. Methane began to
build up below decks and the first time someone came below at night
with a lantern, BOOOOM! Several ships were destroyed in this manner
before it was determined just what was happening.

After that, the bundles of manure were always stamped with the instruction ' Stow
high in transit ' on them, which meant for the sailors to stow it
high enough off the lower decks so that any water that came into the
hold would not touch this volatile cargo and start the production of
methane. Thus evolved the term ' S.H.I.T ' , (Stow High In Transit)
which has come down through the centuries and is in use to this very
day. You probably did not know the true history of this word. Neither
did I. I had always thought it was a golf term.

[Roy]

WIFE  VS  MAID . . .


A man was prescribed Viagra by his doctor who told him to take it one hour before sex.

The man collected his prescription and went home to wait for his wife to get back from work.

An hour before she was due home, he took the Viagra pill.

But just as he was expecting her, she phoned to say that she wouldn't
be in for another two and a half hours.

In a panic, he phoned the doctor. "What should I do?" he asked. "I've taken the pill but the effects will have worn off by the time my wife gets home."

"I see," said the doctor. "It is a pity to waste it. Do you have a maid?"

Yes."

"Well, could you not occupy yourself with her instead?"

The man was silent for a few seconds, then said,

--- "But I never need Viagra with the maid!"




`

[Roy]

SVEN THE CAB DRIVER . . .


Sven was an older Norwegian gent that drove a cab in Minneapolis. One day, Sven is on break, eating his sandwich, when a completely naked, very obviously drunk woman opens the door of the cab, and climbs in the back seat and demands "Drive me to the Hotel St. Paul" .
 
Sven turns around, looks at her, but says not a word.
 
The woman snarls "Quit staring at me- you never seen a naked woman before?"
 
Sven slowly said "I not be staring at you."
 
The drunk responded, "Well, if you ain't staring at my boobies, what ARE you doing?"
 
Sven said. "Vell, I look, and I look, and I been t'inking- Vere da h*** does she keep da money she gonna use to pay the cab fare?"




`

[Roy]

THE HORTH WHITHPERER  . . .



A bloke calls his mate, the horse breeder, and says he's sending a friend over to look at a horse. His mate asks, 'How will I recognize him?'
 

'That's easy; he's a dwarf with a speech impediment.'

So, the dwarf shows up, and the breeder asks him if he's looking for a male or female horse.

 'A female horth.'

So he shows him a prized filly.

'Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth?'

 So the breeder picks up the dwarf and he gives the horse's eyes the once over.

'Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth?'

So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse's ears.

'Nith earzth, can I thee her mouf?'

 The breeder is getting pretty ticked off by this point, but he picks him up again and shows him the horse's mouth.

'Nice mouf, can I see her fish taco?'

 Totally mad at this point, the breeder grabs him under his arms and rams the dwarf's head up the horse's fanny, pulls him out and slams him on the ground.

The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing. 'Perhapth I should rephrathe that. Can I thee her wun awound a widdowbit?'





`

[Roy]

Not sure if this works for both sexes.. ?













`

[Roy]

One for you, one fore me, one for you, one for me. . .


On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just
inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.

'One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me,' said one boy.
Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.

Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, 'One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me...'

He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off.
Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.

'Come here quick,' said the boy, 'you won't believe what I heard!
Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls!'

The man said, 'Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk.'
When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery.

Standing by the fence they heard, 'One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me.'

The old man whispered, 'Boy, you've been tellin' me the truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord...

Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.

At last they heard, 'One for you, one for me. That's all.. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done....

They say the old man had the lead for a good half-mile before the kid on the bike passed him.

[Roy]

Dating in the early 1960's . . .


You need to be able to remember the era to really enjoy this...

It was a hot Saturday evening in the summer of 1960 and Fred had a date
with Peggy Sue. He arrived at her house and rang the bell.

"Oh, come on in!" Peggy Sue's mother said as she welcomed Fred in. "Have
a seat in the living room. Would you like something to drink? Lemonade?
Iced tea?"

"Iced tea, please," Fred said. Mom brought the iced tea.

"So, what are you and Peggy planning to do tonight?" she asked.

"Oh, probably catch a movie, and then maybe grab a bite to eat at the
malt shop, maybe take a walk on the beach..."

"Peggy likes to screw, you know," Mom informed him.

"Uh...really?" Fred replied, with raised eyebrows.

"Oh, yes!" the mother continued. "When she goes out with her friends,
that's all they do!"

"Is that so?" asked Fred, incredulous.

"Yes," said the mother. "As a matter of fact, she'd screw all night if
we let her!"

"Well, thanks for the tip," Fred said as he began thinking about
alternate plans for the evening.

A moment later, Peggy Sue came down the stairs looking pretty as a
picture wearing a pink blouse and full circle skirt, and with her hair
tied back in a bouncy ponytail. She greeted Fred.

"Have fun, kids," the mother said as they left.

Half an hour later, a completely disheveled Peggy Sue burst into the
house and slammed the front door behind her.

"The Twist, Mom!" she angrily yelled at her mother. "The cursed dance is
called the Twist!"*




`

[Don07tncav]

Places to Retire

You can retire to California where...
1. You make more than $250,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house.
2. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
3. You know how to eat an artichoke.
4. You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party.
5. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it
will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.
6. The 4 seasons are: Fire, Flood, Mud, and Drought.

OR

You can retire to New York City where...
1. You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan.
2. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus
Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.
3. You think Central Park is "nature."
4. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language
makes you multi-lingual.
5. You've worn out a car horn. (Editor's Note: If you have a car).
6. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.

OR

You can retire to Minnesota where...
1. You only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco .
2. Halloween costumes fit over parkas.
3. You have more than one recipe for casserole.
4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
5. The four seasons are: winter, still winter, almost winter, and
construction.

OR

You can retire to the Deep South where...
1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.
2. "Y'all" is singular and "all y'all" is plural.
3. "He needed killin'" is a valid defense.
4. Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Mary Ellen, Betty Jean,
Mary Beth, etc etc.
5. Everything is either "in yonder," "over yonder" or "out yonder." It's
important to know the difference, too.

OR

You can retire to Colorado where...
1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.
2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home and so he stops
at the day care center.
3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.
4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.

OR

You can retire to the Midwest where...
1. You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.
2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor.
3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.
4. You end sentences with a preposition: "Where's my coat at?"
5. When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, "It was
different!"

OR

FINALLY You can retire to Florida where...
1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.
2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind -- even houses and cars.
3. Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist.
4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
5. Cars in front of you often appear to be driven by headless people.

[MNBill]

ONLY 4 TICKETS LEFT
I have four extra tickets for the Robbie Knievel (son of Evil Knievel)  Event at the Ford Center next weekend in Glendale AZ. ,if anybody wants them.
Robbie is going to try to jump over 1,000 Obama supporters with a Caterpillar D-9 bulldozer.
 
Should be a good time.

[Roy]

TO GOOD TO BE TRUE...


A bikinied young miss flounced up to the life guard and asked him, "Is this a topless beach?" The life guard responded, "No,miss, you'll have to keep your falsies covered."

The chagrined young lady asked, "How do you know they are falsies?" The life guard said, "Your t-ts are too big to be real. Your t-ts are too firm to be real. Your t-ts are too round to be real. And one of your t-ts is laying behind you in the sand!"

[Roy]

`

[Roy]

Incentive to return to Vietnam to clean up the mess we left behind.












`

[Roy]

PAN-HANDLER . . .








permission granted by photographer to post.

[Roy]

Shampoo Warning!


 
I don't know WHY I didn't figure this out sooner!!!!!

I use shampoo in the shower!

When I wash my hair, the shampoo runs down my whole body, and Printed very clearly on the shampoo label is this warning,

"FOR EXTRA VOLUME AND BODY."

No wonder I have been gaining weight!!!

Well! I have gotten rid of that shampoo and I am going to start showering with Dawn dish soap instead.

Its label reads,

"DISSOLVES FAT THAT IS OTHERWISE DIFFICULT TO REMOVE."

[GreenLantern57]

HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN

Compliment her, cuddle her, kiss her, caress her, love her, stroke her, comfort her, protect her, hug her, wine and dine her, buy gifts for her, listen to her, respect her, stand by her, support her, go to the ends of the earth for her.














HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN

Arrive naked ... with alcohol.

[Roy]

A visit to the Doc . . .


Doctor, to Lady, during her examination: 'Your heart, lungs, pulse & BP are fine.

Now let me check that little thing which gets you ladies into all kinds of trouble'.

The lady starts undressing. . . .

Doctor: 'No! No!.... please put your clothes back on! Just stick out your TONGUE!!!'

[GreenLantern57]

A man is in Hospital bed wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth. "Nurse" he mumbles "are my testicles black?"

The beautiful, sexy, blonde nurse raises his gown, holds his rooster in one hand and his balls in the other. She takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with them sir."

Man pulls off the oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly: "Thanks for that. It was lovely but listen very very carefully ...

























Are-my-test-results-back?!"

[Roy]

      

[Roy]

Why Ethel Changed Motels . . .       R  rated.



Last week, Ethel checked into a
motel on her 70th birthday and she was a bit lonely. She thought, "I'll
call one of those men you see advertised in phone books for escorts and
sensual massages."

She looked through the phone book, found a full page ad
for a guy calling himself Tender Tony - a very handsome man with assorted
physical skills flexing in the photo. He had all the right muscles in all
the right places, thick wavy hair, long powerful legs, dazzling smile, six
pack abs and she felt quite certain she could bounce a quarter off his
well oiled bum....


She figured, what the heck,
nobody will ever know. I'll give him a call.
 
"Good evening, ma'am, how may I
help you? . . Oh my, he sounded sooo sexy!
 
Afraid she would lose her nerve
if she hesitated, she rushed right in, "Hi, I hear you give a great
massage. I'd like you to come to my motel room and give me one. No, wait,
I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really
want is sex. I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys,
rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll
go hot and heavy all night - tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and
whipped cream, anything and everything, I' m ready!! Now how does that
sound?"
 
He said, "That sounds absolutely fantastic, but you need to press 9 for an
outside line."

[Roy]

THANK YOU DEAR !


The patrolman pulls over a driver and accused him of not wearing a
seatbelt.

Yes I was officer, No you were not I saw you put it on when I was behind you.
No I was only adjusting it as it was a bit uncomfortable, if you dont believe
me ask my wife.

Was he wearing his belt Ma am?

Well if he says he was I have to agree with him I never contradict him
when he is drunk....





`

[Roy]

The Preachers Salary . . .


There was a preacher whose wife was expecting a baby. The
preacher went to the congregation and asked for a raise.
After much consideration and discussion, they passed a rule
that whenever the preacher's family expanded, so would his
paycheck.

After six children, this started to get expensive and the
congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss
the preacher's salary.

There was much yelling and bickering about how much the
clergyman's additional children were costing the church.
Finally, the preacher got up and spoke to the crowd,
"Children are a gift from God, and we will take as many
gifts as He gives us."

Silence fell over the congregation. In the back pew, a
little old lady struggled to stand, and finally said in
her frail voice, "Rain is also a gift from God, but when
we get too much of it, we wear rubbers."

The entire congregation said, "Amen."

[Jess from VA]

   
Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on a park bench one morning. The 87-year-old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath.The 80-year-old was amazed at the guy's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy. The 87-year-old said, "Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."

So, on the way home the 80-year-old stopped at the bakery. As he was looking around, the sales lady asked if he needed any help.

 He said, "Do you have any rye bread?"

 She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"

 He said, "I want five loaves."

 She said, "My goodness, 5 loaves! By the time you get to the 3rd loaf, it'll be hard."

 He replied, "I can't believe everybody knew about this crap but me!"

[Roy]

        

[Roy]

How dare that female grocery store clerk at the checkout stand. . .



I went to a new grocery store this morning and there was a bit of confusion.

When I was ready to pay for my groceries, the cashier said, “Strip down facing me”.

Making a mental note to complain to my congressman about Homeland Security running amok, I did just as she had instructed.

When the hysterical shrieking and security alarms finally subsided, I found out that she was
referring to my credit card.

I have been asked to shop elsewhere in the future...



`

[GreenLantern57]

 

[Jess from VA]

No matter what the seat or seat cover, we all get sore-damp-butt-syndrome after enough hours in the saddle in hot weather.  

This fellow has discovered the solution, though I would not do so without a locking bathroom door (and no photographers).


........this was not the blow job I had in mind

[Roy]

I should have thought of that when I was workin in Arizona and the sweat was runnin down my back and to my crack like the Mississippi River in flood season.

[Roy]

POLISH / CANADIAN DIVORCE . . .



A Polish man moved to Canada and married a Canadian girl.

 Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well.

 One day he rushed into a lawyer's office

 and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him.

 The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the
 circumstances,

 and asked him the following questions:

 Have you any grounds?

 Yes, an acre and half and nice little home.

 No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?

 It made of concrete.

 I don't think you understand.

 Does either of you have a real grudge?

 No, we have carport, and not need one.

 I mean what are your relations like?

 All my relations still in Poland .

 Is there any infidelity in your marriage?

 We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.

 Does your wife beat you up?

 No, I always up before her.

 Why do you want this divorce?

 She going to kill me.

 What makes you think that?

 I got proof.

 What kind of proof?

 She going to poison me.

 She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom.

 I can read, and it say:



' Polish Remover '

[Roy]

Pregnant Career Prostitute . . .



The doctor asks the pregnant prostitue, "Do you know who the father is?"

The prostitute replies, "Oh, for goodness sakes! If you ate a can of beans, would you know which one made you fart?"






`