H U M O R Thread . Nothing to get riled up about. Jokes, puns, and riddles.

[Roy]

Onions and Christmas Trees . . .



A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?"

The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there are three kinds of boobs. In her 20s, a woman's are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s to 40s, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions."

"Onions?" "Yes, you see them and they make you cry." This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, "Mum, how many kinds of "willies" are there?" The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, "Well, dear, a man goes through three phases. In his 20's, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it is like a Christmas tree." "A Christmas tree?" "Yes. The tree is dead, and the balls are just for decoration."






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[Roy]

What is a Billion?    . . .




This is too true to be funny.

The next time you hear a politician use the
Word 'billion' in a casual manner, think about
whether you want the 'politicians' spending
YOUR tax money.

A billion is a difficult number to comprehend,
But one advertising agency did a good job of
Putting that figure into some perspective in
One of its releases.

A.
A billion seconds ago it was 1959.

B.
A billion minutes ago Jesus was alive.

C.
A billion hours ago our ancestors were
living in the Stone Age.

D.
A billion days ago no-one walked on the earth on two feet.

E.
A billion dollars ago was only
8 hours and 20 minutes,
at the rate our government
is spending it.

While this thought is still fresh in our brain...
let's take a look at New Orleans ...
It's amazing what you can learn with some simple division.

Louisiana Senator,
Mary Landrieu (D)
was asking Congress for
250 BILLION DOLLARS
To rebuild New Orleans . Interesting number...
What does it mean?

A.
Well .. If you are one of the 484,674 residents of New Orleans
(every man, woman and child)
You each get $516,528

B.
Or... If you have one of the 188,251 homes in
New Orleans , your home gets $1,329,787.

C.
Or... If you are a family of four...
Your family gets $2,066,012.

Washington , D.C

HELLO!
Are all your calculators broken??

Building Permit Tax
CDL License Tax
Cigarette Tax
Corporate Income Tax
Dog License Tax
Federal Income Tax (Fed)
Federal Unemployment Tax (FU TA)
Fishing License Tax
Food License Tax
Fuel Permit Tax
Gasoline Tax
Hunting License Tax
Inheritance Tax
Inventory Tax
IRS Interest Charges (tax on top of tax)
IRS Penalties (tax on top of tax)
Liquor Tax
Luxury Tax
Marriage License Tax
Medicare Tax
Property Tax
Real Estate Tax
Service charge Taxes
Social Security Tax
Road Usage Tax ( Trucker s)
Sales Taxes
Recreational Vehicle Tax
School Tax
State Income Tax
State Unemployment Tax (SUTA)
Telephone Federal Excise Tax
Telephone Federal Universal Service Fee Tax
Telephone Federal, State and Local Surcharge Tax
Telephone Minimum Usage Surcharge Tax
Telephone Recurring and Non-recurring Charges Tax
Telephone State and Local Tax
Telephone Usage Charge Tax
Utility Tax
Vehicle License Registration Tax
Vehicle Sales Tax
Watercraft Registration Tax
Well Permit Tax
Workers Compensation Tax
(And to think, we left British Rule to avoid so many taxes)

STILL THINK THIS IS FUNNY?

Not one of these taxes existed 100 years ago...
And our nation was the most prosperous in the world.

We had absolutely no national debt...
We had the largest middle class in the world...
And Mom stayed home to raise the kids.

What happened?
Can you spell

'politicians'!

And I still have to
Press '1'
For English.








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[Willow]

A.
A billion seconds ago it was 1959.

B.
A billion minutes ago Jesus was alive.

Something's wrong with someone's calculator.

A billion seconds from 1959 is 1990.

A billion minutes before 1990 was  A.D. 88.

A billion hours before 1990 was 112,131 B.C.

The concept is good but the demonstrative math is flawed.

[Roy]

Thanks for the correction . . .  :-D

[Roy]

`
Box Donation . . .



A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.'

The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'

The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.'

The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box.'

The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.

He paused for a moment and then started to leave.

The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!'

The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!'









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[Roy]

`
As I was lying in bed pondering the problems of the world,I rapidly realized that I don't really give a rat's hiney. It's the tortoise life for me!

1.. If walking is good for your health, the postman would be immortal.
2.. A whale swims all day, only eats fish, drinks water, and is fat.
3.. A rabbit runs and hops and only lives 15 years.
4.. A tortoise doesn't run and does nothing, yet it lives for 450 years. And you tell me to exercise?? I don't think so.

I'm retired. Go around me.
God grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.

Now that I'm older here's what I've discovered:
1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

2. My wild oats have turned into prunes and all-bran.

3. I finally got my head together, and now my body is falling apart.

4. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.

5. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.

6. If all is not lost, where is it?

7. It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.

8. Some days, you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant.

9. I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could use a few.

10. Kids in the back seat cause accidents.

11. Accidents in the back seat cause kids.

12. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

13. The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in the bathroom.

14. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he'd have put them on my knees.

15. When I'm finally holding all the cards, why does everyone want to play chess?

16. Its not hard to meet expenses . . . they're everywhere.

17. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

18. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter . . .I go somewhere to get something, and then wonder what I'm hereafter

19. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.








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[Roy]

HOW YOU CAN TELL IF HUNTING SEASON IS OVER...

[Roy]

LEMON SQUEEZE . . .



 There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said, 'Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.'
The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven.'

The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times.'

The priest thought long and hard and then said, 'Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.'

The young woman asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my sins?'

The priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.'








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[Roy]

Old is when . . .


OLD' IS WHEN...
Your sweetie says, 'Let's go upstairs and make love,' and
you answer, 'Pick one; I can't do both!'

'OLD' IS WHEN...
Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and
you're barefoot.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you
don't have to go along.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
You are cautioned to slow down by thedoctor instead of
by the police .

'OLD' IS WHEN...
'Getting a little action' means you don't need to take a
laxative today.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
'Getting lucky' means you find your car in the parking lot..

'OLD' IS WHEN...
An 'all nighter' means not getting up to use the bathroom.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
You're not sure if these are facts or jokes.






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[Roy]

What is "Couple sex"?. . .



All you Grandpas and Grandmas, and all who love kids
We are all reaching that stage where we need to keep the
wax out of our ears and keep the hearing aids tuned up. Enjoy!

--- What Is Couple Sex? ---

An 8-year-old girl went to her grandfather, who was
working in the yard and asked him, "Grampa, what is couple sex?"
The grandfather was surprised that she would ask such a
question, but decided that if she's old enough to know to ask the question,
then she's old enough to get a straight answer.
Steeling himself to leave nothing out, he proceeded to
tell her all about human reproduction and the joys and responsibilities of intercourse.

When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking
at him with her mouth hanging open, eyes wide in amazement.
Seeing the look on her face, the grandfather asked her,
"Why did you ask this question, honey?"

The little girl replied, "Grandma says that dinner will
be ready in just a couple secs.






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[Roy]

PAST DUE CONFESION . . .


 guy goes into the confessional box after years being away from the Church. He pulls aside the curtain, enters and sits himself down. There's a fully equipped bar with crystal glasses, the best wine, Guinness on tap, cigars and liqueur chocolates nearby, and on the wall a fine photographic display of buxom ladies who appear to have mislaid their garments.

He hears a priest come in:"Father, forgive me for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession and I must admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be".

The priest replies,

"Get out, you idiot. You're on my side"







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[Roy]

THE BIG SQUEEZE . . .


The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet: The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many people had tried over time but nobody could do it.

One day this scrawny little man came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny squeaky voice, "I'd like to try the bet."

After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man. The crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass.

As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man "What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, or what?"

The man replied, "I work for the IRS."








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[Roy]

NO ONE BELIEVES SENIORS . . .


An elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary.

The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back
 to their old neighborhood after they retired.

Holding hands, they walked back to their old school.

It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they'd shared,
 where Andy had carved "I love you, Sally."
 
On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car,
practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up and,
not sure what to do with it, they took it home.

There, she counted the money - fifty thousand dollars!
 Andy said, "We've got to give it back."
 Sally said, "Finders keepers."

She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.

The next day, two police officers were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money, and knocked on their door.

"Pardon me, did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?"
 Sally said, "No".
 Andy said, "She's lying. She hid it up in the attic.
 
Sally said, "Don't believe him, he's getting senile"
The agents turned to Andy and began to question him.

 One said: "Tell us the story from the beginning."
 
Andy said, "Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday ..."
 
The first police officer turned to his partner and said, "We're outta here!"














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[Roy]

CLAUDE THE HYPNOTIST . . .



It was entertainment night at the Senior Citizens Center.

Claude the hypnotist explained: "I'm here to put you into a trance;

I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. “I want each of you to keep your eyes on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations."

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..."

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. A hundred pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch until, suddenly, the chain broke;

It slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.

"CRAP!" said the hypnotist.

It took three days to clean up the Senior Citizens Center –

Claude was never invited back...








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[Roy]

euwwww . . .  euwwwww !




The sheriff was standing in front of the saloon when a cowboy rode into town. The sheriff looked the cowboy over and saw he was worn hard from the trail, darkened from the sun and covered with dust and grime. Obviously the cowboy had been out in the wilderness for some time.

As expected the cowboy rode up to the front of the saloon and dismounted his horse and tied the reins to the hitching post. He then walked behind the horse and to the sheriff’s surprise; the cowboy kissed the horse directly on the horse’s a—hole. He then began to walk into the saloon.

The sheriff approached him and said, young fellow, I’ve seen a lot of men come into town and go directly to the saloon, but I’ve never in my life seen anyone kiss their horse the way you did. Are you crazy or something?

The cowboy looked the sheriff in the eye and said, “No Sir, I ain’t crazy, I have badly chapped lips.”

The sheriff thought for a moment and said, “And that cures them???”

The cowboy answered; “Nope, just keeps me from licking them.”














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[bigguy]

Sent to me in an email. Too good not to repost

***** 23 ADULT TRUTHS ******

1.       Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.
2.       Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.
3.       I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.
4.       There is great need for a sarcasm font.
5.       How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
6.       Was learning cursive really necessary?
7.       Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
8.       Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.
9.       I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind-of tired.
10.     Bad decisions make good stories.
11.     You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.
12.     Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again.
13.     I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.
14.     I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
15.     I think the freezer deserves a light as well.
16.     I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Light than Kay.
17.     I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.
18.     I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
19.     How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?
20.     I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front.
21.     Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.
22.     Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time.
23.     The first testicular guard, the "Cup," was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important.

Obligatory poster babe:

[Roy]

Big Guy...

Good one, and a grrrreat pic, helped to get my juices flowing the slow snowy morning!

...


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[Jess from VA]

Vietnam Veterans for John Kerry (for Sec of State)

[GA Mike]

Now that's funny.

[Jess from VA]

How to magnetize a cat


One large cat.

[Roy]

Good ones!!!

 

[Roy]

Only I can have This . . .



Only I Can Have This
 An 8 year old boy walks home from school each day past an 8 year old girls house. One day as he is passing by, carrying a football, he can't resist taunting the girl.

 He holds up the football and says, "See this football? Football is a boys game, and only boys can have a football!".

 The little girl runs into the house and cries to her mother, "I want a football!" Being a woman of the 90's, her mother runs out and gets her one.

 The next day the girl is waiting for the little boy and he rides up on his bike. She holds up the football, "Nah Nah Nah Nah".

 The little boy angrily points to his bike and says, "Oh yeah, well this is a boys bike and only boys get boys bikes and you can't have one!"

 She runs in to mom and the next day is waiting for him on her new boys bike.

 The little boy gets furious and pulls down his pants, and pointing to his most private of parts says,
 "Look, only boys have these and your mom can't buy you one!!!".

 The next day he walks by and asks her, "Well, I guess I showed you!"

 She promptly pulls up her dress, points to her parts and proclaims
 "My mother tells me that as long as I have one of these I can have as many of those as I want! "







`

[Roy]

FLAKEY . . .



Two police officers respond to a crime scene behind a grocery store. The homicide detective is already there.

"What happened?" asks the first officer.

"Male, about twenty-five, covered in Raisin Bran and dead as a doornail."

"Good grief," says the second officer. "Didn't we have one covered in Frosted Flakes yesterday? And Captain Crunch last week?"

"You're right. I'm afraid," said the detective as he took a drag from his cigar, "this is the work of a cereal killer."
 







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[Roy]

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[Roy]

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[bigguy]

65 Years Ago.

This is PRICELESS (?) .............

A little old lady from Wisconsin had worked in and around
her family dairy farms since she was old enough to walk,
with hours of hard work and little compensation.

When canned Carnation Milk became available in grocery
stores in the 1940s, she read an advertisement offering
$5,000 for the best slogan.

The producers wanted a rhyme beginning With 'Carnation
Milk is best of all.'

She thought to herself, I know everything there is to know
about milk and dairy farms.  I can do this! She sent in her
entry, and several weeks later, a black car pulled up in
front of her house.

A large man got out, knocked on her door and said,
"Ma'am, The president of Carnation milk absolutely LOVED
your entry.....So much, in fact, that we are here to award you
$1,000 even though we will not be able to use it for our advertisements!"

He did, however, have one printed up to hang on his office
wall.

(Here it is:)



I'm told this is a true story.

[Roy]

       

[F6BANGER]

A wife says to her husband, "You're always pushing me around and talking behind my back." He says, "What do you expect? You're in a wheel chair."   

[Jess from VA]

Jim decided to tie the knot with his long time girlfriend. One evening, after the honeymoon, he was cleaning his motorcycle. His wife was standing there watching him. After a long period of silence she finally speaks. "Honey, I've been thinking, now that we are married I think it's time you quit riding. Maybe you should sell your bike."

Jim gets this horrified look on his face.

She says, "Darling, what's wrong?"

”There for a minute you were sounding like my ex-wife.”

"Ex wife!" she screams, "I didn't know you were married before!"

”I wasn't!“

[Roy]

VERY BRAVE MEN's JOKES  . . .



 1. How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
 Marry her.

 2.What's the difference between a woman and a battery?
 A battery has a positive side.

 3.Why is the space between a woman's breasts and her hips called a waist?
 Cause you can easily fit another pair of breasts there.

 4.Why do women have smaller feet than men?
 It's one of those evolutionary things that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.

 5.Why do men die before their wives?
 Because they want to.

 6.Why do women fake orgasms?
 Cause they think men care.

 7.How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
 Put a nipple on it.

 8.What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?
 Nothing she's already been told twice.

 9.If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen what are you doing wrong?
 You made her chain too long.

 10.Why is a laundromat the wrong place to pick up women?
 Cause if they can't afford a washing machine they'll probably be unable to support you.

 11.If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door who do you let in first?

 Your dog cause he'll shut up once you let him in.


 12.Why do men pass more gas than woman?
 Because women don't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.








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[..]

The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again invited readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by



adding, subtracting, or changing one letter,



and supply a new definition.
 
Here are the winners:
 1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.
 
2. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.
 
3. Intaxicaton: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
 
4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
 
5. Bozone ( n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

6. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

7. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high

8. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
 
9. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
 
10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
 
11. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

12. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
 
13. Glibido: All talk and no action.

14. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

15. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
 
16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
 
17. Caterpallor ( n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.
 
The Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words.
 
And the winners are:
1. Coffee, n. The person upon whom one coughs.

2. Flabbergasted, adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.
3. Abdicate, v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
 
4. esplanade, v. To attempt an explanation while drunk.
 
5. Willy-nilly, adj. Impotent.

6. Negligent, adj. Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.
 
7. Lymph, v. To walk with a lisp.
 
8. Gargoyle, n. Olive-flavored mouthwash.
 
9. Flatulence, n. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.
 
10. Balderdash, n. A rapidly receding hairline.
 
11. Testicle, n. A humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude, n. The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

13. Pokemon, n. A Rastafarian proctologist.

14. Oyster, n. A person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.

15. Frisbeetarianism, n. The belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
 
16. Circumvent, n. An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.

[Roy]

Dashhound. . . AKA Weener dog














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[Roy]

WHERE IS THE RAKE?

I was doing garden work this weekend and my wife was about to take a
shower I realised that I couldn't find the rake. I yelled up to my
wife, 'Where is the rake?'

She couldn't hear me and she shouted back, 'What?' I pointed to my
eye, then I pointed to my knee and made a raking motion.

Then my wife wasn't sure and said 'What?' I repeated the
gestures. 'Eye - Kneed - The Rake'

My wife replied that she understands and signals back. She first
points to her eye, next she points to her left breast, then she
points to her butt, and finally to her crotch.


Well, there is no way in hell I could even come close to that one.
Exasperated, I went upstairs and asked her, 'What the hell was that?'
She replies.............'Eye - Left Tit - Behind - The Bush'








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[Roy]

SHADES OF GRAY . . .



Four guys have been going to the same fishing trip for many years. Two days before the group is to leave, Ron's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going. Ron's mates are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do?

Two days later the three get to the camping site to find Ron sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and dinner cooking on the fire, sitting having a cold beer.

"**** Ron, how long you been here, and how did you talk your missus into letting you go?"

"Well, I've been here since last night".

Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my living room chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and asked, 'Guess who?" I pulled her hands off, and there she was, wearing a nightie. She took my hand and pulled me into our bedroom. The room had candles and rose petals all over. Well she's been reading 50 Shades of Grey......"

On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes! She told me to tie her up and cuff her to the bed, so I did. And then she said, "Do whatever you want."

So, Here I am!








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[Roy]

`

[Roy]

PHARMACIST . . .


The woman asked the pharmacist, "Do you have Viagra?"

 "Yes," he answered.

 She asked, "Does it work?"

 "Yes," he answered.

 She said, "Can you get it over the counter?"

 "I can, if I take two," he replied.






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[Roy]

Boureaux and Life Insurance...`







Boudreaux, the smoothest-talking Cajun in the Louisiana National Guard, got called up to active duty. Because he was a good talker, his first assignment was in a military induction center. They assigned him the duty of advising new recruits about government benefits, especially the G.I. insurance to which they were entitled.
 
The officer in charge soon noticed that Boudreaux was getting a 100% sign-up rate for the more expensive supplemental form of G.I. insurance. This was remarkable, because it cost these low-income recruits $30 per month for the higher coverage, compared to what the government was already providing at no charge. The officer decided he'd sit in the back of the room at the next briefing and observe Boudreaux's sales pitch.

Boudreaux stood up before the latest group of inductees and said, "If you has da normal G.I. insurans an' you goes to Afghanistan an' gets youself killed, da govment' pays you benefishery 20 towsan dollah. If you takes out da suppmental insurans, which cost you only t'irty dollahs a munt, den da governmen' gots ta pay you benefishery 400 towsan dollah!

"Now," Boudreaux concluded, "which bunch you tink dey gonna send ta Afghanistan fuhst?"








`

[Roy]

CHICKEN FARMER . . .



A chicken farmer went to a local bar, sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne.

The woman perked up and said, ...'How about that?... I just ordered a glass of champagne too!'

'What a coincidence' the farmer said.... 'This is a special day for me.... I am celebrating.'
...
This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating,' said the woman.'

'What a coincidence!' said the farmer... As they clinked glasses he added,... 'What are you celebrating?'

'My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my gynecologist told me that I am pregnant!'

'What a coincidence!' said the man.... 'I'm a chicken farmer and for years all of my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying fertilized eggs.'

'That's great!' said the woman.... 'How did your chickens become fertile?'

'I used a different rooster,' he replied.

The woman smiled, clinked his glass and said...... 'What a coincidence!'







`

[Roy]

HOME SICK . . .




was in Ft. Myers , Florida the other day and I saw a bumper sticker on a parked car that read,
"I miss Detroit."

So, I broke the window, stole the radio, shot out two of the tires and left a note that read,
"I hope this helps!"









`

[bigguy]