H U M O R Thread . Nothing to get riled up about. Jokes, puns, and riddles.

[bigguy]

[bigguy]

[Roy]

 ... 

[Fathertime]

What happens to Santa if he gets stuck in a chimney?





He gets Claustrophobic!

[bigguy]

When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not
produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the
Pre-Christmas pressure.*
Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which
stressed Santa even more.*
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were
about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out,
heaven knows where.*
Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked,
the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.*
Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot
of rum.*
When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had consumed all
the cider and hidden the liquor....*
In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke
into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor.*
He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off
the end of the broom.*
Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritated Santa marched to the door,
yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas
tree.*
The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a
lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to
stick it?'*
And so began the tradition of the little angel sitting on top of the
Christmas tree.*
Not a lot of people know this.*

[Jess from VA]

 

[R J]

Heard that one years ago in Korea of all places.

I still laugh at it.

[Roy]

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[Roy]

Jigsaw puzzle...



John gets a call from his blonde girlfriend, Buffy. "I've got a problem," says Buffy.

"What's the matter?" asks John.

"Well, I've bought this jigsaw puzzle, but it's too hard to figure out. All of the pieces are the same color, none of them fit together and I can't find any edges."

"What's the picture of?" asks John.

"It's of a big rooster," replies Buffy."

"All right," says John, "I'll come over and have a look."

So he goes over to Buffy's house and Buffy leads John into her kitchen and shows him the jigsaw pieces on the kitchen table. John looks at the jigsaw, turns to Buffy and says, "For Pete's sake, put the cornflakes back in the box."




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[Roy]

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[Roy]

Camping Trip...


Bob, a hunter, went on camping trip with his wife, kids, and mother-in-law.
One evening, while still deep in the forrest, the Mrs awoke to find her mother gone.

Rushing to her husband, she insisted on them both trying to find her mother. Bob picked up his rifle, took a swig of whiskey, and started to look for her.
In a clearing not far from the camp, they came upon a chilling sight the mother-in-law was backed up against a thick, impenetrable bush, and a large bear stood facing her.


The wife cried, "What are we going to do?" "Nothing," said the hunter husband. "The bear got himself into this mess, let him get himself out of it."





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[Roy]

New National Health Care Plan accuratelyCondensed down to a few sentences...



Here are the 10,535 pages of Obama Care condensed to 4 sentences...
As humorous as this sounds.....every last word of it is absolutely TRUE!

1. In order to insure the uninsured, we first have to uninsure the insured.

2. Next, we require the newly uninsured to be re-insured.

3. To re-insure the newly uninsured, they are required to pay extra charges to be re-insured.

4. The extra charges are required so that the original insured, who became uninsured, and then became re-insured, can pay enough extra so that the original uninsured can be insured,
which will be free of charge to them.

[Roy]

Amazing and somewhat humorous Home Made Rocket.






http://theawesomer.com/insane-homebrew-rocket/303503/







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[Roy]

Married in Heaven?



...a young Catholic couple were involved in a fatal car accident. Being good Catholics, the young couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they begin to wonder: could they possibly get married in Heaven?
When St. Peter finally showed up, they asked him. St Peter said "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out," and he leaves them sitting at the Gate.

After three months, St Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes" he informs the couple, "you can get married in Heaven".
"Great!" said the couple, "But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"

"You must be bloody joking," says St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slamming his clipboard on the ground.

"What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.

"OH, COME ON!" St. Peter shouted, "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?"






`

[Jess from VA]

 

[R J]

Roy, hope you don't mind my adding one to your thread.

I had a power outage at my house this morning and my PC, laptop, TV,
DVD, i-Pad and my new surround sound music system were all shut down.
Then I discovered that my i-Phone battery was flat.  To top it off, it
was snowing and icy so I couldn't go for a walk, bike or run.  The
garage door opener needs electricity so I couldn't go anywhere in the
car.  I went into the kitchen to make coffee and then I remembered that
this also needed power, so I sat and talked with my wife for a few hours.

She seems like a nice person.

 

[RDAbull]

RJ,
My wife loved it, although she thinks it could go both ways these days.

[R J]

RJ,
My wife loved it, although she thinks it could go both ways these days.

VERY TRUE, VERY TRUE.

[Roy]

Thanks for keeping this thread alive guys!


...


Widower...


Bob, a 65-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly
beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old blonde-haired woman, who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm and hangs over Bob's arm and listens intently, to his every word.

His buddies at the club are all aghast. At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, 'Bob, how'd you
get the trophy girlfriend?' Bob replies, 'Girlfriend? She's my wife!'

They are knocked over, but continue to ask. 'So, how'd you persuade her to marry you?' 'I lied about my age', Bob replies. 'What, did you tell her you were only 50?' Bob smiles and says, 'No, I told her I was 90.'






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[Roy]

Two Cannibals




Two cannibals meet one day. The first cannibal says, "You know, I just can't seem to get a tender Missionary.

I've baked them, I've roasted them, I've stewed them, I've barbecued them, I've tried every sort of marinade. I just cannot seem to get them tender.

" The second cannibal asks, "What kind of Missionary do you use?" The other replied, "You know, the ones that hang out at that place at the bend of the river.
They have those brown cloaks with a rope around the waist and they're sort of bald on top with a funny ring of hair on their heads."

"Ah, ha!" the second cannibal replies. "No wonder ... those are friars!"




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[Valkorado]

> A farmer drove to a neighbor's
> farmhouse and knocked at the door.  A boy, about 9, opened the
> door.
>
>
>
>
>
>
> "Is your dad or mom
> home?" said the farmer.
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> "No, they went to town."
>  "How
> about your brother, Howard?  Is he
> here?"
>

>
>
>
> "No, he went with Mom and
> Dad."
>
>
>
> The farmer stood there for a few
> minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, mumbling to
> himself, when the young boy says, "I know where all the
> tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give Dad a
> message."
>
>
>
>
>

>
>
>
>
>
>
> "Well," said the farmer
> uncomfortably.
> "No, I really want to talk to your Dad, about
> your brother Howard getting my daughter Suzy
> pregnant".
>
>
>

> The boy thought for a moment, then
> says, "You'll have to talk to my Dad about
> that.  I
> know he charges $500 for the bulls and $150 for the pigs,
but I don't know how much he charges for Howard.

[gordonv]

I didn't find this one posted. I try to share this in these threads to the unwashed masses who like "golf".


The Rules of Bedroom Golf

1. Each player must provide his own equipment, usually one club and two balls

2.Play on a hole must be approved by the owner of the course

3.Unlike outdoor golf the object of the game is to take as many strokes as possible or until the owner of the course is satisfied that play is complete. Failure to abide by this rule may result in being denied playing privilege in future

4.For most effective play course owners may check clubs for stiffness before play begins

5.Course owners may restrict the length of club used to avoid any possible damage

6 It is considered bad form to play the hole on arrival at the course. Experienced players admire the hole course especially the well formed bunkers before play

7 It is sound advice whilst on a course that you don't mention previous courses played

8 .Players are advised to always provide proper rain gear

9 Players should make sure that games are properly booked particularly when playing a course for the first time. Previous players tend to become irate when other players play on what they consider a private course

10 Players should always ask the course owners permission before attempting to play the back nine

[Roy]

Flatulence...



I farted in the Apple Store today. Everyone got mad. It's not my fault they don't have Windows.







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[Roy]

A Drunks Story...   R rated



A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a drink. Looking around, he sees three men sitting at a corner table. He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over, looks at the biggest, meanest, biker in the face and says: I went by your grandma's house today and I saw her in the hallway buck-naked. Man, she is one fine looking woman! The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word. His buddies are confused, because he is one bad biker and would fight at the drop of a hat.

The drunk leans on the table again and says: 'I got it on with your grandma and she is good, the best I ever had!' The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad,but the biker still says nothing. The drunk leans on the table one more time and says, 'I'll tell you something else boy, your grandma liked it!'

At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders looks him square in the eyes and says.................... 'Grandpa,..........go home!'





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[bigguy]

[Roy]

Deodorant instructions...




*
















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[R J]

Deodorant purchase.

A guy that lacks a couple of cards from being a full deck, goes into the Drug Store.

Clerk asks if she can help him.

He responds, yes, I like some deodorant.

Clerk asks if he wants ball type, he says NO, under arm please.

[Roy]

A Roman walks into a Bar...



A Roman walks into a bar and asks for a Martinus.
“You mean a Martini?”
The Roman replies, “If I wanted a double, I would have asked for it.”

Another Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers, and says, “Five beers, please.”







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[Roy]

What did O say to Q?






*





*




Dude,  Zip it up!







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[Roy]

Sitting on the porch...



How about the two old men, one a retired professor of psychology and the other a retired professor of history.
Their wives had talked them into a two week stay at a hotel in the Catskills. They were sitting around on the porch of the hotel watching the sun set.

The history professor said to the psychology professor, "Have you read Marx?" To which the professor of psychology said, "Yes, I think it's the wicker chairs"

[Roy]

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"Lexophile" is a word used to describe those that have a love for words,
such as "you can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish", or "to write with
a broken pencil is pointless." A competition to see who can come up with
the best lexophiles is held every year in an undisclosed location.
This year's winning submission is posted at the very end.

.. When fish are in schools, they sometimes take debate.

.. A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

.. When the smog lifts in Los Angeles U.C.L.A.

.. The batteries were given out free of charge.

.. A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.

.. A will is a dead giveaway.

.. With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

.. A boiled egg is hard to beat.

.. When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.

.. Police were summoned to a daycare center where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

.. Did you hear about the fellow whose entire left side was cut off? He's all right now.

.. A bicycle can't stand alone; it's just two tired.

.. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

.. The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine is now fully recovered.

.. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

.. When she saw her first strands of grey hair she thought she'd dye.

.. Acupuncture is a jab well done. That's the point of it.

And the cream of the twisted crop:

.. Those who get too big for their pants will be totally exposed in the end.


.

[Roy]

Pub Crawling...


I went to the pub last night and saw a fat chick dancing on a table.

I said, "Great legs."

The girl giggled and said, "Do you really think so."

I said, "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."

[R J]

Pub Crawling...


I went to the pub last night and saw a fat chick dancing on a table.

I said, "Great legs."

The girl giggled and said, "Do you really think so."

I said, "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."

Add on to Roy's post.

He should have his eyes open in a couple of weeks.

[Roy]

`

Measuring the wife's rear end...


A husband and his wife who have been married 20 years were doing some yard work. The man was working hard cleaning the BBQ grill while his wife was bending over, weeding flowers from the flower bed. So the man says to his wife "Your rear end is almost as wide as this grill" She ignores the remark.

A little later, the husband takes his measuring tape and measures the grill, then he goes over to his wife while she is bending over, measures her rear end and gasps, "Geez, it really IS as wide as the grill!" She ignores this remark as well.

Later that night while in bed, her husband starts to feel frisky. The wife calmly responds, "If you think I'm gonna fire up the grill for one little wiener, you are sadly mistaken."





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[Roy]

RETIREMENT OPTIONS...




You can retire to Arizona where...



1. You are willing to park 3 blocks away from your house because you found shade.



2. You've experienced condensation on your butt from the hot water in the toilet bowl.



3. You can drive for 4 hours in one direction and never leave town.



4. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.



5. You know that "dry heat" is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open your oven door.



6. The 4 seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??

OR



You can retire to California where...



1. You make over $450,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house.



2. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.



3. You know how to eat an artichoke.



4. You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party.



5. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.



6. The 4 seasons are: Fire, Flood, Mud, and Drought.

OR

You can retire to New York City where...



1. You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan ....



2. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.



3. You think Central Park is "nature."



4. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual.



5. You've worn out a car horn. (IF you have a car).



6. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.

OR



You can retire to Minnesota where...



1. You only have three spices: salt, pepper, and ketchup ..



2. Halloween costumes have to fit over parkas.



3. You have seventeen recipes for casserole.



4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.



5. The four seasons are: almost winter, winter, still winter, and road repair.



6. The highest level of criticism is "He is different, she is different or It was different!

OR



You can retire in North Carolina where...



1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.



2. "Y'all" is singular and "all y'all" is plural.



3. "He needed killin" is a valid defense.



4. Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Joe Bob, Betty Jean, Mary Beth, etc.



5. Everywhere is either: "in yonder," "over yonder" or "out yonder".

OR

You can retire to Colorado where...



1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.



2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home, so he stops at the day care center.



3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.



4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.



OR



You can retire to the Nebraska where...



1. You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.



2. Your idea of a traffic jam is three cars waiting to pass a tractor.



3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.



4. You end sentences with a preposition: "Where's my coat at.

OR

FINALLY You can retire to Florida where...



1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.



2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind -- even houses and cars.



3. Everyone can recommend an excellent cardiologist, dermatologist, proctologist, podiatrist, or orthopedist.



4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.



5. Cars in front of you often appear to be driven by headless people.

[Roy]

Sign in a Pet Shop window...


"Free legless parakeet. No perches necessary."

[Roy]

Notable Quotes...


~ David Letterman...
America is the only country where a significant proportion of the population believes that professional wrestling is real but the moon landing was faked.

~ Howard Hughes...
I'm not a paranoid, deranged millionaire. God dammit, I'm a billionaire.

~ Robin Hall...
Lawyers believe a person is innocent until proven broke.

~ Arnold Schwarzenegger...
Having more money doesn't make you happier. I have 50 million dollars but I'm just as happy as when I had 48 million.

~ Johnny Carson...
If life were fair, Elvis would still be alive today and all the impersonators would be dead.

~ Steve Martin...
Hollywood must be the only place on earth where you can be fired by a man wearing a Hawaiian shirt and a baseball cap.

~ Jimmy Durante...
Home cooking. Where many a man thinks his wife is.

~ George Roberts...
The first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone.

~ Jonathan Winters...
If God had intended us to fly he would have made it easier to get to the airport.






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[Roy]

A small white dot...



A kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out something 'exciting' and relate it to the class the next day.



When the time came to present what they'd found, the first little boy the teacher called on walked up to the front of the class ..... and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard and then sat back down.



Puzzled, the teacher asked him what it was.

"It's a period," he replied.

"I can see that ," said the teacher, "but what is so 'exciting' about a period?"

"Darned if I know," he said, "but this morning my sister was 'missing' one. Mommy fainted ; daddy had a heart attack , and the boy next door joined the Navy.






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[bigguy]

[Roy]

Ludwig Von Beetoven Cemetery Music...



A tourist in Vienna is going through a graveyard and all of a sudden he hears music. No one is around, so he starts searching for the source. He finally locates the origin and finds it is coming from a grave with a headstone that reads "Ludwig van Beethoven, 1770-1827". Then he realizes that the music is the Ninth Symphony and it is being played backward!

Puzzled, he leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to return with him. By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has changed. This time it is the Seventh Symphony, but like the previous piece, it is being played backward.
Curious, the men agree to consult a music scholar. When they return with the expert, the Fifth Symphony is playing, again backward.

The expert notices that the symphonies are being played in the reverse order in which they were composed, the 9th, then the 7th, then the 5th.

By the next day the word has spread and a crowd has gathered around the grave. They are all listening to the Second Symphony being played backward. Just then the graveyard's caretaker ambles up to the group.

Someone in the group asks him if he has an explanation for the music.
"I would have thought it was obvious" the caretaker says,

"He's decomposing."