H U M O R Thread . Nothing to get riled up about. Jokes, puns, and riddles.

[Super Santa]

A keen country lad applied for a salesman's job at a city department store. In fact it was the biggest store in the world - you could get anything there.

The boss asked him, "Have you ever been a salesman before? "Yes", I was a salesman in the country", said the lad. The boss liked the cut of him and said, "You can start tomorrow and I'll come and see you when we close up".

The day was long and arduous for the young man, but finally 5 o'clock came around. The boss duly fronted up and asked, "How many sales did you make today?". "One" said the young salesman. "Only one" blurted the boss, "Most of my staff make 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale worth??. "Three hundred thousand, three hundred and thirty four dollars" said the young man.

"How did you manage that?" asked the flabbergasted boss.

"Well", said the salesman "this man came in and I sold him a small
fish hook, then a medium hook and finally a really large hook. Then I sold him a small fishing line, a medium one and a huge big one. I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast. I said he would probably need a boat, so I took him down to the boat department and sold him that twenty foot schooner with the twin engines.

Then he said his Volkswagen probably wouldn't be able to pull it, so I took him to the car department and sold him the new Deluxe Land Cruiser"

The boss took two steps back and asked in astonishment, "You sold all that to a guy who came in for a fish hook?"

"No" answered the salesman. He came in to buy a box of Tampons for his wife and I said to him, "Sounds like the weekend's a loss, you may as well go fishing".

[Roy]

DUAL PURPOSE HOT DOG HOLDER...


















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[Roy]

Beer . . .












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[Roy]

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[grandpaweaver]

getting home late

The other night I was invited out for a night with the guys.
I told my wife that I would be home by midnight... "I promise!"

Well, the hours passed quickly and the beer was going down way too easy. At 3 am, drunk as a skunk, I headed for home.
Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed three times.

Quickly, I realized she'd probably wake up, so I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for having such a rapid, witty solution, even when smashed, to escape a possible conflict.

The next morning my wife asked me what time I got in, and I told her 12 o'clock. She didn't seem disturbed at all. Got away with that one, I thought!

Then she told me we needed a new cuckoo clock. When I asked her why she said, "Well, last night it cuckooed 3 times, then said, 'Oh crap,' cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then farted."

[Roy]

IRISH PRIEST  (in Texas)




An Irish priest was transferred to Texas .. Father O'Malley rose from
 
his bed one morning. It was a fine spring day in his new Texas mission parish.
 
He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of

the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn.
 
He promptly called the local police station......
 
The conversation went like this:
 
''Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?''
 
''And the best of the day te yerself.. This is Father O'Malley at St. Ann 's Catholic Church.
 
There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn "
 
Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit, replied with a smirk,
 
''Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people took care of the last rites!''
 
There was dead silence on the line for a moment...........................................
 
Father O'Malley then replied: 'Aye, 'tis certainly true; but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin.''






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[Roy]

(Joke)


Scientific Buffalo Theroy.  Alcohol is good for your brain.




One night at Cheers, Cliff Clavin explained the "Buffalo Theory" to his
buddy, Norm. "Well ya see, Norm, it's like this. A herd of buffalo can
only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it
is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first.
This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed
and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the
weakest members.
 
In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as
fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know,
kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain
cells first.
 
In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker
brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine !
That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers...







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[Roy]

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[Roy]

TROUBLES,  TROUBLES . . .



A drunk staggers into the rectory and threatens to beat the bejasus out of the pastor. "Whatever for", cries the pastor? Replies the drunk, "Ten years ago when you married me you told me it was the end of all my troubles, You lied to me!" "No I didn't!" replied the pastor, "I merely neglected to tell which end."





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[Roy]

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[Roy]

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[Roy]

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[Jess from VA]

A man went to the doctor's office to ask for a triple dose of Viagra. The doctor told him that he couldn't allow him a triple dose.

'Why not?' asked the man.

'Because it's not safe,' replied the doctor.

'But I need it really bad,' said the man.

'Well, why do you need it so badly?' asked the doctor.

The man said, 'My girlfriend is coming into town on Friday, my ex-wife will be here on Saturday and my wife is coming home on Sunday. Can't you see? I've got to have a triple dose.

The doctor finally relented saying, 'All right, I'll give it to you, but you have to come in Monday morning so that I can check you to see if there are any side effects.'

On Monday afternoon the man dragged himself into the doctor's office... his right arm in a sling.

The doctor asked, 'Good gawd! What happened to you?'

The man said, 'No one showed up.'

[Roy]

     ???                 

[Roy]

Personal Alarm Warning















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[Roy]

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[Roy]

Revenge couldn't be sweeter...



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Two high school sweethearts who went out together for four years in high school were both virgins; they enjoyed losing their virginity with each other in 10th grade. When they graduated, they wanted to both go to the same college but the girl was accepted to a college on the east coast, and the guy went to the west coast. They agreed to be faithful to each other and spend anytime they could together.

As time went on, the guy would call the girl and she would never be home, and when he wrote, she would take weeks to return the letters. Even when he emailed her, she took days to return his messages.

Finally, she confessed to him she wanted to date around. He didn't take this very well and increased his calls, letters, and emails trying to win back her love. Because she became annoyed, and now had a new boyfriend, she wanted to get him off her back.

So, what she did is this: she took a Polaroid picture of her having sex with her new boyfriend and sent it to her old boyfriend with a note reading, "I found a new boyfriend, leave me alone." Well, needless to say, this guy was heartbroken but, even more so, was pissed. So, what he did next was awesome.

He wrote on the back of the photo the following, "Dear Mom and Dad, having a great time at college, please send more money!" and mailed the picture to her parents.







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[Roy]

Decoding Personal Ads...




Effective communication can be a little tricky these days... hopefully this
will help.


DICTIONARY FOR DECODING WOMEN'S PERSONAL ADS:

40-ish.................................49.

Adventurous..........................Slept with everyone.

Athletic...............................Tiny breasts.

Average looking....................Moooo.

Beautiful..............................Pathological liar.

Emotionally Secure..................On medication.

Feminist..............................Fat.

Free Spirit............................Junkie.

Friendship first.......................Former Slut.

New-Age..............................Body hair in the wrong places.

Old-fashioned.......................Wears pajamas to bed

Open-minded........................Desperate.

Outgoing..............................Loud and embarrassing.

Professional...........................Bitch.

Voluptuous...........................Very fat.

Large frame..........................Hugely fat.

Wants soul mate.....................Stalker.



DICTIONARY FOR DECODING WOMEN'S ENGLISH:

Yes....................................No

No.....................................Yes

Maybe.................................No

We need...............................I want

I am sorry............................You'll be sorry

We need to talk......................You're in trouble

Sure, go ahead.......................You better not

Do what you want...................You will pay for this later

I am not upset.......................Of course, I am upset, you moron!

You're very attentive tonight............Is sex all you ever think about?




DICTIONARY FOR DECODING MEN'S ENGLISH:

I am hungry...........................I am hungry

I am sleepy...........................I am sleepy

I am tired..............................I am tired

Nice dress...... ........................Nice cleavage!

I love you.............................Let's have sex now

I am bored.............................Do you want to have sex?

May I have this dance?..... ...........I'd like to have sex with you.

Can I call you some time?.............I'd like to have sex with you.

Do you want to go to a movie?......I'd like to have sex with you.

Can I take you out to dinner?........I'd like to have sex with you.




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[Roy]

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[Roy]

FREE MEAT. . .



It was many years ago since the embarrassing day when a young woman, with a baby
in her arms, entered his butcher shop and confronted him with the news that the
baby was his and asked what was he going to do about it? Finally he offered to
provide her with free meat until the boy was 16. She agreed.
 
He had been counting the years off on his calendar, and one day the teenager, who had been
collecting the meat each week, came into the shop and said, "I'll be 16
tomorrow."
 
"I know," said the butcher with a smile, "I've been counting
too, tell your mother, when you take this parcel of meat home, that it is the
last free meat she'll get, and watch the expression on her face."
 
When the boy arrived home he told his mother. The woman nodded and said, "Son, go
back to the butcher and tell him I have also had free bread, free milk, and free
groceries for the last 16 years and watch the expression on his face!"
 







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[Roy]

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[Roy]

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[Roy]

THE BLACK BRA     (as told by a woman)





I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends.
 One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I have been married for 20+ years.
 
We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by greeting them at the door wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes.
 
Here's how it all went.
 My engaged friend:
 The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams...I love you.' Then we made passionate love all night long.

The mistress:
 Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and mask over my eyes. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but he started to tremble and we had wild sex all night.
 
Then I had to share my story:
 When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. When he came in the door and saw me he said,

(you are going to love this..)


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" What's for dinner, Zorro?"

[Roy]

JUST JOKING . . .



















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[Roy]

THE PRACTICE...



A young doctor had moved into town and was setting up a new practice. He had a new sign painted and hung it in front of his office, proclaiming his specialties: "Homosexuals & Hemorrhoids."

The town fathers were upset with the sign and asked him please to change it. The Doctor was eager to please, so he put up a new sign: "Queers & Rears." The town fathers were really fuming about that one, so they demanded that the Doctor come up with a decent sign that would not offend the townspeople.


So the Doctor came up with an acceptable sign: "Odds & Ends."





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[Roy]

 

[Roy]

Family Planning Lesson . . .



Annie, 6 years old, gets home from school.
She had just had her first family planning lesson at school.
Her mother, very interested, asks;" How did it go?"

"I died of shame!" She answers!
Why? Her Mother asked.

Annie said, Karen from down the road, says that the stork brings babies.
Sally next door said you can buy babies at the orphanage. Peter in my class says you can buy babies at the hospital.

Her mother answers laughingly But thats no reason to be ashamed?

No, but I cant tell them that we were so poor that you and daddy had to make me yourselves!






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[Roy]

GOOSE HUNTING ACCIDENT...



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Ole was hunting geese up in the Minnesota woods. He leaned the old 16 gauge against the corner of the blind to take a leak. As luck would have it, his dog knocked the gun over, it went off and

Ole took most of an ounce of #4 in the groin.

Several hours later, lying in a Duluth hospital bed, he came to.... and there was his doctor, Sven.
"Vell Ole, I got some good news and some bad news. Da good news is dat you are going to be OK. Da damage vas local to your groin, dere was very little internal damage, and I vas able to remove all of da buckshot."

"What's the bad news?", asks Ole

"The bad news is dat dere vas some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your pecker. I'm going to have to refer you to my sister, Lena ."

"Well, I guess that isn't too bad," says Ole. "Is your sister a plastic surgeon?"

"Not exactly," Sven says. "She's a flute player in da Minneapolis Symphony Orchestra. She's going to teach you vhere to put your fingers, so you don't pee in your eye."





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[Roy]

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[Roy]

No motorcycle Baby Seat available . . .















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[Hook#3287]

done

[Willow]

The Doc looks at her and says “Sometimes, you just got to keep your mouth shut”

I hate to be a stick-in-the-mud, but there are some places a sense of humor simply should not go.  Any insinuation that a battered woman is responsible for her own beating is one of those places.    

[Lyn-Del]

Thank you, Willow.  I'm glad I'm not the only one who failed to see humor in that

[Roy]

GUN EXPERT HAS FOUND NEW USE FOR DIET DR PEPPER... (joke, don't try this at home!)














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[RainMaker]

Thank you, Willow.  I'm glad I'm not the only one who failed to see humor in that

+2

[MacDragon]

The Doc looks at her and says “Sometimes, you just got to keep your mouth shut”

I hate to be a stick-in-the-mud, but there are some places a sense of humor simply should not go.  Any insinuation that a battered woman is responsible for her own beating is one of those places.    

I thought very close to the same thing about this one that I have seen before.  I didn't find much humor in it then either.

Thanks for coming forward with this statement Willow.

Back to the normal funny stuff.

[Roy]

Yes, the above posting was not appropriate for most countries of the world!  but as our leader has told us, there are viewers of the forum in all parts of the world, and to be in the New World Order we have to consider the Middle Easterners too, no matter how disgusting their culture may be or may not be.

The offensive posting should be removed.

[Roy]

Who said ROBOTS don't have body functions...


R2 - D2















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[CISE]

I hate to be a stick-in-the-mud, but there are some places a sense of humor simply should not go.  Any insinuation that a battered woman is responsible for her own beating is one of those places.    

Title of thread: " H U M O R Thread . Nothing to get riled up about. Jokes, puns, and riddles. "

Not everyone's sense of humour is the same (I don't like the subject of the joke either - but I did giggle - like laughing at a racist joke).

[Hook#3287]

PC only!